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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Cheeky request from ex or reasonable?

122 replies

HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 11:14

My husband has DC with his ex and we have 1 together. She also has another child with another ex (SS is 9, this other child is 5 and our son together is 2).

My husband and his ex are both working on Monday (the BH) but I'm not so I've agreed to help and look after SS on that day (would usually be mum's day but not bothered).

Last night she messaged DH asking if I'd be able to look after her other child too (the child that's not even my step child!).

This child is 5, I don't really know them that well only met a handful of times, they've never been to our house for any significant amount of time and certainly never looked after them before.

I know she's struggling trying to find someone but AIBU to say no? I have my own DC and my step child to look after on Monday never mind adding a random kid in I barely know?!

For info, I believe her dad is next to useless and not really involved.

OP posts:
Pigeoning · 29/04/2022 12:49

Where is the father of the 5 year old? Can he/his family not help?

Strawberrysunset · 29/04/2022 12:50

I would say yes, but make it clear that it’s not going to be a regular thing. You never know, you may just need her help with your child one day and so she could return the favour to you.

Vsirbdo · 29/04/2022 12:50

That would be a no from me; looking after other peoples children for me is either when I really like/love the person and want to do them a favour or when it’s mutually beneficial. In this circumstance it’s neither and the mix of ages would be tricky I suspect

Notwithittoday · 29/04/2022 12:52

No these women take the absolute mick. Poor kid being palmed off on someone he doesn’t know. I’d say no. Absolutely not.

StorminNorma · 29/04/2022 12:52

I would really because you're able to and it's more impactful all round if you do say no.

However I would make it clear that you're saying yes this time so that the child has somewhere to go and that in future she needs to be more organised and give more notice. I agree that she likely doesn't give notice because it makes it harder to say no, but it's better for everyone to do what they can around their own commitments and activities if she's upfront about looming childcare difficulties whether due to useless ex or aging mother etc. She needs to be having honest discussions with your DH.

Totheweekend · 29/04/2022 13:06

I think it’s cheeky to ask and you completely reasonable to say no. Boundaries!

Nelliephant1 · 29/04/2022 13:11

Everyone is part of the same blended family so why wouldn't you.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2022 13:13

Nelliephant1 · 29/04/2022 13:11

Everyone is part of the same blended family so why wouldn't you.

Because that's not how she defines her family? The child is family to her step son, not to her.

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 13:19

Nelliephant1 · 29/04/2022 13:11

Everyone is part of the same blended family so why wouldn't you.

Seriously?

Her husband’s ex and her other child from a completely different relationship (after her split from the OP’s husband) are part of the OP’s family and she should be delighted to be used as free childcare?

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 13:25

StorminNorma · 29/04/2022 12:52

I would really because you're able to and it's more impactful all round if you do say no.

However I would make it clear that you're saying yes this time so that the child has somewhere to go and that in future she needs to be more organised and give more notice. I agree that she likely doesn't give notice because it makes it harder to say no, but it's better for everyone to do what they can around their own commitments and activities if she's upfront about looming childcare difficulties whether due to useless ex or aging mother etc. She needs to be having honest discussions with your DH.

But her childcare difficulties are not the OP’s husband’s problem. It doesn’t make any difference if she’s got another useless ex. Why would she need to have honest discussions with the father of her oldest child about the difficulties arising from choices and relationships that occurred after they split up?

it doesn’t matter about the impact of this on her. She’s properly taking the piss and just needs to sort her own shit out. Bank holidays are regular and totally expected events; she needs to plan for them.

knowinglesseveryday · 29/04/2022 13:27

I'd say yes. I think.

StorminNorma · 29/04/2022 13:31

It sounds like she's being disorganised about the child she shares with op's husband as well though so that needs sorting.

Plus yes if she's having issues with the 5yo to the extent that she's asking OP to step in, then op's husband needs to have a discussion about that with her too. Not to set up an expectation, but to ensure that a disabled 5yo child has adequate provision, given that it's been brought to his attention that this might not be the case.

sobeyondthehills · 29/04/2022 13:32

HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 11:29

I think it's part of a long running issue for me. She is rubbish at pre planning anything and I have suspected for a while relies on my flexibility a lot to solve her issues. I feel like I am ALWAYS having to step in in regards to SS last minute because she's not arranged anything or waited until the last minute to tell us she needs the help. Things like school holidays are an utter nightmare for it!

Her mum helps a lot with the younger one usually but she's getting on and I think this is slowly decreasing so I can picture this being a common theme from now on.

I would have said as a one off emergency type thing I would have said yes, babysitter has fallen through, she has to go to work because everyone has called in sick type thing.

But then I saw your update and no I wouldn't if it was going to start being a regular thing.

However she is not wrong to ask, just like you are not wrong to say no

Idontgiveashitanymore · 29/04/2022 13:41

I’d say no. If you do it once she will ask again.

IncompleteSenten · 29/04/2022 13:42

HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 11:56

We actually do get on okay usually which is why I'm struggling. But no it's certainly not a mutually beneficial relationship in that sense. She's flexible if needs be with SS but obviously we are too. But I've never asked (and never would!) to have our 2 year old!

Maybe you should. 😁

Say to her ok, actually maybe you could help me out by having X now and again too.

I bet she won't want to and the thought you'll expect reciprocity (is that a word?) may make her work hard to make other arrangements but she won't be able to be an arse about it since you helping out with her child that is not your stepchild is no different. 🤷‍♀️

PeekAtYou · 29/04/2022 13:55

I'd say no too because I wouldn't want to be her regular childcare for her dd.

MeridianB · 29/04/2022 13:57

Your updates definitely put a different slant on this for me. She’s disorganised, and has form for last minute childcare requests generally? I’d say no on the basis that she will take this massive favour for granted and come back for more without hesitation.

I think the split in ages would all so make this hard work.

YANBU to say no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2022 14:01

Nope. Her lack of planning doesn’t constitute an emergency on your part - or whatever the saying is.

Next time she won’t make any childcare plans and you’ll get a last minute “oh but she liked it so much last time…”

Youre doing your DH and her a favour by having SS, that’s more than enough.

NiceViper · 29/04/2022 14:06

She's not wrong to ask, and neither would you be wrong to decline.

These DC are a connected clump, and will be like siblings from times together at the ex's house. So even though you don't have to agree to anything unless it genuinely suits you, it's not a silly idea either

Justcallmebebes · 29/04/2022 14:10

I would definitely do it without a second thought. They're siblings and you're essentially isolating one of the 3. Not fair. I understand your frustration with their mother, but don't take it out on the kids. It may back fire on you

Original poster
HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 14:16

They're siblings and you're essentially isolating one of the 3.

They aren't a "3". My 2 year old barely knows the 5 year old! They aren't siblings at all!

OP posts:
WoodenClock · 29/04/2022 14:17

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask. She knows your day is already given over to childcare and she's probably feeling desperate.

If you don't want to do it for whatever reason, its fine to say no.

I'd do it for the brownie points. It never hurts to have a favour in the bank.

MeridianB · 29/04/2022 14:23

I'd do it for the brownie points. It never hurts to have a favour in the bank.

This makes sense if the other person sees it this way, but OP indicates this may not be the case. Plus doesn’t want ex to look after her 2yo.

annonymousse · 29/04/2022 14:32

I think you would be opening a can of worms if you agree to this. You will become the default fallback for both kids when she fails to plan ahead again

WoodenClock · 29/04/2022 14:34

MeridianB · 29/04/2022 14:23

I'd do it for the brownie points. It never hurts to have a favour in the bank.

This makes sense if the other person sees it this way, but OP indicates this may not be the case. Plus doesn’t want ex to look after her 2yo.

OP is probably one of those people who has lots of childcare option, if she's certain she'll never need this, but in any case, it doesn't need to be a childcare favour.

I'm also a big fan of paying it forward. I was fortunate to have 2 sets of involved GPs when mine were small, but I recognised that and still sometimes babysat for friends, even though it was unlikely I'd need them to return the favour.

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