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Step-parenting

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Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

262 replies

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 21:44

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 07/01/2008 21:45

how old are they?

oh and prepare to be slated

stripeymama · 07/01/2008 21:47

How old are they?

TBH I think you are being very very unreasonable - presumably you knew about his children before you started the relationship? You cannot expect them to just feck off into the background just because you and your children are now there.

moondog · 07/01/2008 21:47

You won't cook for them or sit with them??

God you are barking.

SlartyBartFast · 07/01/2008 21:48

why can't he take time off?
are they teenagers.

i am sorry you resent them so much and feel you should try to get to know them. they are the children in this relationhip.
nuff said.

MarvinThePA · 07/01/2008 21:48

If my DH is at work while his DD is with us, she goes to her GP's, can your DP's children do the same, and then return to your house in the evening when he is home from work?

yurt1 · 07/01/2008 21:49

"I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis."

Resenting a kid with SN- that's helpful. How about learning something about his condition?

I think that all his kids have the right to treat his house as their home whilst they are children.

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 21:49

Almost 11 and 14! I'm really not in the mood to be slated to be honest as I'm feeling very very worn down by the situation, especially after the xmas holidays and with caring for my own two children. So, if you can be 'gentle', please don't bother...I can take gentle critism but not agressive critism!

OP posts:
TellusMater · 07/01/2008 21:50

One of them asked you what you were doing?

OMG

I think there must be more to it than you've put here - surely?!

stripeymama · 07/01/2008 21:50

"I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!"

Er - I don't. I see it as being your refusal to accept your dp's responsibility to his first family.

Find it hard to believe you are moving away in the hope that your dp will see less of his children.

How would you feel if you split up and his next girlfriend behaved like this towards your children?

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 21:51

You cannot be for real?!?
Does your dp know you feel like this about his children?

08aGreatYearForCarmenere · 07/01/2008 21:51

You seem to be a bit unrealistic regarding the needs of children tbh, even if they are your step children and even if they are teens, they still need love and security.
Imagine if your two grew up and you split up with their dad and he remarried and his new dw treated them as you are treating your dsc. Would you like that?

themildmanneredjanitor · 07/01/2008 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlartyBartFast · 07/01/2008 21:51

no one was being aggressive, well only one so far bit rude.

SlartyBartFast · 07/01/2008 21:52

that's the joy of annonymity. you say things openly and you get an open response.

madamez · 07/01/2008 21:52

While I can appreciate that they are only children, and one has special needs so is therefore even more vulnerable, I wonder if the person you are actually angry with is your partner? DO you feel that he is using you as a childminder rather than engaging with his children?

08aGreatYearForCarmenere · 07/01/2008 21:53

Sorry Mallodie but perhaps you have phrased it wrong but you come across really unsympathetically.

stripeymama · 07/01/2008 21:53

Why on earth did you get into a relationship with a man who already had children if it was such a problem to you?

Helennn · 07/01/2008 21:54

I feel sorry for the children, being caught up in this!

Hecate · 07/01/2008 21:54

Unfortunatly, when you marry a man who already has children, they come as part of the package and they are entitled to be treated well. You can't be forced to love them, but you have a duty of care towards them. They are his children and deserve your consideration and respect.

madrose · 07/01/2008 21:54

it sounds as if you really dislike these kids. they're your own children's siblings - they could babysit in a few years. But your DH should help more.

MarvinThePA · 07/01/2008 21:55

It seems maybe the problem is that the DP doesn't take responsibility for his own children and the OP is worn down by it all.

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 21:55

I'm not being aggresive just incredulous that you think it's ok not to feed them...do you and your dc not eat so you cook for all of you? can your dsc help you?. I think you sound depressed personally

tiredemma · 07/01/2008 21:56

You sound bloody awful. Really you do. Poor kids

serenity · 07/01/2008 21:56

I can think of nothing to say to that wouldn't need the 'report post' button pressed tbh. I really really hope you're a troll and you have the gall to ask us to be gentle ffs!

MrsWeasley · 07/01/2008 21:56

Is this your first ever post?

Sorry but on first reading my reaction was TROLL