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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

262 replies

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 21:44

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

OP posts:
ingles2 · 07/01/2008 23:21

OK!!! Come on ladies! We've all said our bit (me included!) Can we help her now?

partypiece · 07/01/2008 23:22

They were there FIRST matey. Does their dad know how you treat them? Does the story of Cinderella not ring any bells with you?
If he knows how you treat them and doesn't do anything about it, I think he's crap too.
You choose to stay at home surely? If it's such a bum deal, get a job. And remember, the kids were there first. You are the interloper.

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 23:22

i find it quite unbelievable that you didn't talk about the impact of becoming a stepmother before you moved in togehter

it would be something i would think very carefully about if i had a relationship with someone with children

my exdp took on my three children with no kids of his own and looked after them when i was working and if he hadn't he wouldn't have been my partner there was never any question that he should treat them with love and respect and do stuff for them including cooking washing stuff playing games and taxiing them around

revgreen · 07/01/2008 23:24

You should be ironing their clothes. They live in your house, they are your dps children and 10yo should not have do do their own cooking and ironing.

QuintessentialShadow · 07/01/2008 23:24

Does your partner actually know how his children are treated? If he knows, does he still respect you?

How is the relationship between you and your partner after you have spent years neglecting his children?

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 23:25

Mallodie, there's obviously some inconsistencies now in this thread,..can you tell us honestly the childcare situation and how often, etc etc so we can try and help you

partypiece · 07/01/2008 23:25

I don't iron 90% of my kids' clothes actually. Nobody does. They look abolutely fine and nice.
But agree that they shouldn't be treated differently.

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 23:25

ignoring stupid comments, eh...actually the most stupid posts, imo, have been your own...but then, I do have an open mind...if you think you are doing so great...why post here?

Elizabetth · 07/01/2008 23:26

I'm not really sure why everybody thinks you should take care of these two children whilst their father isn't around. What benefit is it for them exactly, particularly when their mother has said she'd be happy to have them then.

I think you should say to your DP that their visits should be during the time he's at home. What exactly does he get out of having his kids at his house when he's not there? I think he's expecting too much of you, particularly when you have two los to take care of too.

Quattrocento · 07/01/2008 23:27

But ingles2, I am genuinely at a loss as to how to help the OP.

She is so dreadfully overburdened. Having to wash as many as two pairs of trousers per day!

I don't know how she could cope with a workload like that.

This is my last suggestion - we need Xenia here to talk about the fulfilment of work. This will fix the pension problem. It will then enable the OP to oursource laundry, cooking and childcare.

Let's face it, the stepchildren at least would get a better deal that way ...

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 23:27

If your DP jumps, then he can do the ironing. His choice. Why are you doing it?

Stop being a martyr and feeling hard done by and put down some rules. But first, do a parenting course. It will not just help you with your SK's, it will help you with your own (and actually, the techniques often work on husbands too).

hatrick · 07/01/2008 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

serenity · 07/01/2008 23:29

Helenn - no, I've already pointed that out, that we're looking at her having sole charge during school holidays, during the week about 18 days out of 365 (going by the information given)

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 23:29

I assume dp x was working, hence the Kids at this persons house...they woudln't choose to be there, surely!

hatrick · 07/01/2008 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TellusMater · 07/01/2008 23:29

Look. You are getting a hard time, which you probably didn't expect (you must be new ), because your stepchildren seem to be getting an even harder time.

Really, read back your OP. It sounds awful. You can't even bear for them to speak to you .

You need to have it out with your DH and their mother. You cannot go on like this. They cannot go on like this. It sounds like they (and you) are being used as pawns in a power struggle between their parents. Your dh can't lose any of "his" time, because that would be be losing out to the ex.

Meantime those children are on their own, or with someone who they must realise can't bear to have them around.

You want to wish them away. But you can't. So their parents need to organise some proper care for them IMO. A 10 year old and a 14 yo with special needs.

As it is the holidays that are the real issue, could a holiday club be an answer?

susiecutiemincepies · 07/01/2008 23:30

well, i think you are all being really quite unpleasant. And no-one as even read my post the one before Lisalisa. ( also huffy emoticon ) where i agree with all of your sentiments, but think that this person actually wants help, not more criticism.

Her posts scream, desperation, and tiredness. She is a mum herself, to TWO small children, thats a lot for any one to cope with in the first place! Let alone all the other things that are going on.

She has actively asked for HELP! actively asked not have aggression aimed at her, as she is feeling to fragile to take it... you have no idea what her actual mental state is like, your posts of witch, evil, calling social services may actually push her over the edge for all you know. She is an anonymous mother, asking for help.

Surely some of you can offer some with out such awful attacks? how would you feel if you found out she had been pushed over the edge by your comments, and done something about her desperation... i'm not saying this is the case here, but you NEVER really know, thats why perhaps a little more consideration should be afforded to someone on the other end of a computer, you've no idea what she is really like there.

this is meant to be a place for parents to get advice, and help. Why not try that... if you have such strong feelings, why not try to change her attitude with constructive advise.

revgreen · 07/01/2008 23:30

Mother and father both work to accumulate vast pension, hence kids with stepmother (for 18 days)

partypiece · 07/01/2008 23:30

Elizabeth, the mother works too, so she is not available to look after them. They are two kids, one with special needs. It is not OK that they are abandoned all day in the school holidays.
If you can't stand them - and in my experience a 10 year old and 14 year old in the house makes looking after small children infinitely easier as the little ones are so entertained by the big ones (especially as these are siblings) then look into holiday courses, such as football or drama or swimming lessons or something. I'm sure they'd love the opportunity to get away from you.
I don't know what you expect your dp to do. Take the kids to work every day? Put them in an orphanage?

soapbox · 07/01/2008 23:32

Elizabetth, perhaps the children actually want to spend a little time with their siblings.

I assume that the DP is out actually earning money to keep both his families running - I don't get the impression he is buggering off to the pub or whatever. Why shouldn't a Stepmother care for her step children as well as her own? I'm bemused by the notion that this is unusual!

TellusMater · 07/01/2008 23:32

Actually, I do think it is the job of the parents to organise care for the children.

That is what I would expect the OP's DH to do, given her feelings about the situation.

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 23:33

Quattro,...you're awful but you do make me laugh!

Ok, so my 1st list would be:

When kids in house:
Help with chores, washing, dishwashing, laying table etc when asked.
Quiet during nap time, between (time)

To Ex / dp
clothes will be returned in whatever state unless dp untertakes this task

What else do you want on it ?

colditz · 07/01/2008 23:33

No, PARENTLINE is where parents get advice and help, MUMSNET is where other mothers give their opinion on what you have posted. And what the OP has posted sickens my heart.

partypiece · 07/01/2008 23:33

Maybe I just feel sorrier for two little kids, whose parents are acrimoniously divorced, left at the mercy of a nasty woman who can't bear them to even speak to her when they were little mites of seven years old. How would you feel Mallodie, if in three years, your own little child was being treated like this by your dp's next partner? I'd want to kill someone who treated my children like this.

Quattrocento · 07/01/2008 23:34

Oh Susie. Read the posts. It's completely impossible that this is for real. No-one could be so openly unkind.