Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

262 replies

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 21:44

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

OP posts:
ingles2 · 07/01/2008 22:15

Mallodie it is just as easy to stick some pasta on as it is to put something in the microwave, and the dsd feel quite rightly that this is also their house so friends can come and go. I think perhaps you need to start being more in control so for example at lunch, you tell the other kids to go home, tell your dsc to lay table, wash dishes and get them helping you Is the fact your dc is "active" worrying you? Believe me I know this is not easy I have been there but every time you get pissed off you just have to remember that these dc are an integral part of your family, your dp and your dc and slap a smile on. I think you should speak to a gp about your feelings and tiredness

karen999 · 07/01/2008 22:18

I hope you are a troll cos if not then I cannot believe what you are posting. I have two kids...one with my dp and one from a prev relationship...my dp treats my child like his own (if not better)

My dd still has loads of contact with her dad and he has a new girlfriend. She treats my dd very well and I am so glad!! God, can't you have any compassion towards those kids especially now that you are a mother!!??

colditz · 07/01/2008 22:19

Ok, you wanted gentle critisism?

Open your eyes. They are children. They should not be looking after themselves. You should be looking after them, or your partner should be looking after them.

Wanting to get away from his children is disgusting. You should not have had children with this man if you are unable to deal with the children he already has, the children who were here before you, the children who deserve to be welcomed in their father's house.

I cannot imagine how heartbreaking it must be to be them. Their father goes out and leaves them with an immature girl who is emotionally unable to meet their needs (that's you, in case you're wondering). They have siblings who are put before them. They aren't made welcome. The child with special needs does not have his needs understood. You don't include them in the family they belong to.

I am desperately hoping you are a troll, but sadly it seems unlikely.

Hun.

hatrick · 07/01/2008 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stripeymama · 07/01/2008 22:32

Colditz - is that 'hun' as in Atilla the...?

colditz · 07/01/2008 22:34

No it's a "Hun" to prove it was gentle critisism, just like she asked for.

Original poster
Malloddie · 07/01/2008 22:35

Well, you've all certainly had a say...I'm actually reeling from the impact. To get a couple of things straight; I have never ever openly treated DPC with any displays of dislike or otherwise; this may have come across wrong; I do slap a smile on my face and praise the children. The older child's needs are difficult for me to handle when I'm trying to juggle my own two, who are very jealous of each other and therefore very demanding. I do speak to my DP about his son's needs but even he can't figure out what to do as the 14 year old won't open up. I guess I resent my DP more than anybody for picking up his briefcase and f*king off out of the house and leaving me to it! And, yes...this is my first posting because I was DESPARATE!

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 07/01/2008 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 22:39

I am not a stepparent, but I once upon a time was a stepchild...and phew, my mum made a better choice and always put us first....
if you in a relationship ou share everything, if you don't want to do that....don't be in a relationship...your dp obviously has always got to "put up" with your Kids around...and seeing that they are younger...well...they are probably more noisy and most vertainly hard work!
And why would you not give those poor Kids food? Do you think they want to be there if you treat them this way...NOpe...belive me...but what choice do they have....
would you liek to have your own Kids treated that way?

Joash · 07/01/2008 22:40

I'm actually surprised that he leaves any children with someone so immature (including the younger ones) Do some growing up.

Quattrocento · 07/01/2008 22:40

Do you have an attic? You could confine them to it, maybe?

colditz · 07/01/2008 22:41

You walk out of the house to Ikea and leave them behind. That is open dislike. They are not old enough to be left on their own to fend for themselves if either one of them has special needs.

I am actually quite glad you are reeling from the impact - perhaps you will consider the impact you are having on their lives?

Hadassah · 07/01/2008 22:41

For a 14-year-old boy to open up and articulate his needs seems like a lot, even without special needs, no?

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 22:41

Sorry, OP...yes you seem desperate...but tbh...really think here...would you like your Kids treated the way you treat your Kids...and does your BF help you out with bills, or in the living arrangement, by working?

08aGreatYearForCarmenere · 07/01/2008 22:43

Malodie, have you thought about how you would like your dc's to be treated if they were with a step mum?

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 22:43

teenagers are in a world of teir own, and live to rules only they know...no matter if sn or not....

susiecutiemincepies · 07/01/2008 22:43

Not all the posts here were negative, if you read them all

You sound desperate too. I think you need to talk to your DP about your needs, judging from your posts. you sound exhausted, and on the verge... Have you talked to anyone in RL about this?

If your DP was there more when the DSC are, would that make a difference to you? He really needs to know whats going on, you cannot expect him to make it better unless he knows... the DSC are both of your responsibilities arent they, as such, you need to come up with a plan for their care ( for want of a better phrase) that you BOTH agree with. if things are amicable, then also one that your DP ex also agrees with.

I can see why you are tired, and emotional. You are having a tough time with your two youngest, let alone with two older children to care for. I do think you can make all this work you know. Get the older DSC involved with the care if your little ones?

I dont have the solutions, however I do know that nothing can or will change unless you are very honest and clear with your DP about how you feel. MAybe it'd be a good idea to talk to your GP too...

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 22:44

I must say I would be reeling if I found out my Kids were treated that way by a stepmum, or anyone who is meant to look after them!

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 07/01/2008 22:45

freaking unbelievable (if real)
what does the 10 year old do all day when you are out / refusing to feed them / coming and going on his or her own?????
who is taking responsibility during the day for this YOUNG CHILD????
you and your dp both need to do some serious thinking (him if he is aware of your feelings / actions and allows his dcs to be "cared" for like this.
if you cant be arsed to care for them and take responsibility for them then you need to make it clear to dp / his exw. the dcs parents had then better decide what arrangements are in keeping with their dcs welfare.
what if 10 year old had accident whilst in your (non) care??
freaking unbelievable.

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 22:46

You are leaving a 14 year old with SN and a 10 year old in the house unsupervised? For how long? How often? And you won't feed them?

Would you think this level of care was good enough for your children?

And your DH is happy with that level of care for his kids is he?

And their mother - she hasn't reported you to Social Services then?

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 22:46

I agree with mmj...I think it's impossible to hide your feelings from kids, they are very perceptive. So what measure havebeen put in place to deal with 14 yr olds special needs? Are they severe? Do you know what they are? Do you need to discuss this with his mother so you are fit to deal with them? Yes I think your dp is at fault here, but then so are you. unfortunate for all your dc and dsc. as of course your dc will pick up on your stress and anxiety making their own behaviour worse

stripeymama · 07/01/2008 22:47

Gentle criticism is an MN forte

I have a stepfather who was (and still is)the most fantastic and loving figure and influence on my life. He is now a wonderful grandad to my dd.

I cannot imagine the way it would have made me feel if he had behaved the way you describe towards me. It would cause irreparable damage to any child to be treated as though they are nothing but an inconvenience, to be ignored, abandoned, and actively discouraged from being part of the family.

They are innocent in this situation. They are children ffs. You are an adult who has chosen to become involved with their father.

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 22:48

Oh God this sort of post makes me think that my children may be lucky that my ex doesn't have contact and a girlfriend.

Quattrocento · 07/01/2008 22:49

I know, I have the perfect solution! A garden shed with a loo in it. Change the locks on the house, and confine them to the shed. Maybe you could provide one of those butane burners for heat? They can forage around the garden for food - perhaps if you let the dandelions grow and don't discourage the mushrooms?

MrsWeasley · 07/01/2008 22:49

FWIW my thoughts assuming you are not a troll

Quote "They really are old enough to look after themselves in the day" Sorry but I dont think they should be looking after themselves but it sounds very much like they have had to.

I appreciate you are desperate so you need to do something proactive. If your LO are too demanding for you then the 10 yo would have been a great playmate for them whilst you make a meal (I'm not talking about a 6 course meal, A meal a one pot casserole, spag bol, pasta, jacket potatoes etc. All quick and easy to prepare) but it may be too late for that now depending on how big a wedge you have driven between them!