Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

[Malloddie]

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

My goodness. Reading your original post I assumed they were late teens. Am sad to see they are 10 and 14 - children - this is a situation that needs to be sorted for everyone's sake.

I usually avoid these threads as I am a Cynic by nature and when I read your OP I thought TROLL!!!!

However incase you are not.... You got into a relationship with a man with 2 Children already. You knew what you were getting into. You need to take a step back and see the need of ALL the Children in the family. For example - when you were annoyed by the Child sitting between you and the other Mother - do you think she/he may have been intersted in the Babies? Most Chldren are. The older Child probably wanted some attention too.

Try and do activities that involve all of them and TBH at their ages they can be a great healp when you have 2 LOs. You just need to plan things a little bit. Putting away washing can be great fun, especially to a 16m old!

Not too judgemental I hope

malloddie, sorry you are having a bad time, I really think you are being unreasonable here, however it sounds like you really feel it. My suggestion is that you need to get some support for yourself, it seems clear that you are not coping. What you have written about your step children does not sound like unreasonable behaviour on the surface of it and I think you need to get some help with the whole predicament.

you're out of order

totally

you need to grow up

you're a step-parent

not a child

I am so sick of these being horrible to stepchildren threads. REALLY REALLY SICK OF THEM.

I have a godson who is now 17. His stepfather has been unremittingly unkind to him since the day he (the stepfather) married my friend.

The stepfather honestly thinks that it's okay to make his resentment plain, make it clear that my godson is not wanted or needed, surplus to requirements, only there as the price for having married my friend.

My godson is a beautiful talented clever kind and loving boy and I believe his stepfather's behaviour will literally scar him for life.

You know what I think? I think stepparents should be compelled, when they marry someone who already has children, to make a vow that they will treat their stepchildren as their own.

I really hope you are a troll. Its fucking depressing to think of two kids being treated like this.

they are your dp's children, as their parent, his house is their house.

And one of them has sn and you resent that? What would you like him to do about it then? .

Oh, how sad for those children...why on earth did you get involved in the first place???

it looks tp me, like you are just having a good vent on here. I hope thats all it is. Step children can be a difficult thing to accept, and understand, and embrace into your family life. However, they are part of your family, and were there before your two DC came along. You knew they were part of the package when you married your DH surely?

Its abit late in the day to now be resenting his other children. I cant help thinking that maybe this is something you need to discuss with your DH. I mean there has to be give and take. I understand him wanting to see alot of them, of course he does, they are his children. HOwever, if it is making you so unhappy, then i think he also needs to know this, and hear what you are saying, and come to some kind of compromise. Especially, given that their own mum wants them to be home more too...

I think its going to be a long chat around the kitchen table. If you are so unhappy, then his youngest DC are going to suffer ultimately, as will your relationship with him.

All that said though, I'm afraid I do think you are being a little unfair on his children. Whats wrong with asking what you are doing? or, talking to anothe new mum when you had a new baby, your step child was just taking interest surely?

anyway... not having a go at you here, in anyway, so please dont take it that way, just pointing out a few things. I do hope you get something sorted out with your DH, you sound exhausted TBH.

the children need their father.

your dh and is ex w are trying their hardest to maintain contact.
please don't make it difficult for them.

I hope you are a troll because this is making me really for those children.

I also think you should think hard about the fact that these 2 children are your dc's half brother/sisters !

Ok I get the picture!!!! Thx Marvin the PA...at least a suggestion but no, it won't work as we have no family in the area. They really are old enough to look after themselves in the day; it's just the friends coming and going and my youngest being over-active and not being able to sleep has lowered my reserves. I honestly just about have enough energy to throw something into the microwave for myself and two youngest; it is impossible to think about the oldest and their friends also. We are not moving to get away from the older kids; it's just happens to be to an area where there is a new development. My dp has lived in this area from the start with his x; the house is way too small with the older children actually sharing a bedroom and the youngest still in with us so everyone would benefit by the move.

I have stepchildren who have lived with us since they were in their early teens and were frequent visitors before that. It never occured to me not to treat them as full members of the family, cook for them,do washing etc. Sure it has not always been easy but think of it from your own childrens' point of view - they are your childrens' half siblings and when they are older their relationship will be important to them. I should also add that I have have been more than repaid by the amount of babysitting I have received and by seeing how much my own children get out of their relationship with them.

Is this for real? My brother is divorced with two children 12 and 7. His partner has just moved in with him. He makes every effort to pick his children up from school everyday and has them every other weekend. If I ever thought his partner treated them like you treat your step children - I just could not put into words what I would do. Do you not have any compassion for them at all?

they are just children.

children.

i can understand being worn down and completely pissed off

but thats diferent from not engaging with 2 children for years and years.

Message withdrawn

Oh and also, my DH has a son from his previous marriage, sadly we dont see him. Its a horrible messy situation that will end up needing the courts to sort out.

I would love to have him in our lives. TO be part of OUR family, to be a big brother to our little daughter. It breaks my heart, for my DH that he is not able to see him. It breaks my heart, knowing that his son, is not seeing his daddy. I would cut of my left arm, if It meant seeing DH's son. I care about him dearly, and i dont even know him.

This is because he is my DH's son. HIS flesh and blood. since I love my DH, I would also love his son. HE would, and hopefuly will be a big part of OUR family. we are HIS family, although unfortunately, he doesnt know all of this due to his mother. He doesnt even know he's a big brother. SO SO sad. count your blessings more, things could be a hell of a lot worse you know... you could have a DH/DP who is at times incredibly, even clinically depressed as he cant see his children.

you need to talk to your DH.

It's not for real. No history of posting under that name. Ridiculous and impossible behaviour ... It's not for real.

Oh Mallodie, microwaving food for you and the two youngest is really bad. Honestly you would have more money and more energy if you cooked from scratch for the whole family. they really, really are not old enough to look after themselves, seriously how would you like a step mother in the future to treat your dcs?

Actually this is a troll isn't it, pushing all the mn buttons what with microwaving food ect

"This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives."

Maybe you could try microwaving them? Or yourself?

OK I'm going to take this seriously for a moment

Yes you do not have it easy .. small children are very draining

But you do have on tap two other children who are old enough to entertain and help out their younger siblings .. if you were only able to tap into this power you would find your life much easier

But the first step you must be willing to make is to realise that 14 and 10 are just children .. I know it doesn't seem it as they seem so capable compared to your toddler and baby .. but they really are just children and they should be cared for and not treated as mini-adults

I know you don't feel it is your role, because you aren't their mother, but it is .. you are their step-mother and even if you don't feel any love for them it is your duty as an adult and a human being to act as though you do ..

you need to find the strength to do this .. from somewhere deep within .. from the love you feel for your own children, you need to find the ability to treat these children as children

by doing this you may earn their respect and trust

by doing this you will have a family