Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

[Malloddie]

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

Malloddie, the first thing you have to understand is that, although to you, they look like "youths" they are still children. I have an 11 year old, 9 year old and 3 year old and because I have watched my 11 year old grow up from a baby in my arms to the big lad he is now, I know that he needs every bit as much of my attention as my 3 year old; the type of attention he needs is different, but he still needs attention. I think because you didn't know your sds's as babies, you think of them as being older than they are but believe me, when your little ones are the same age, you will not be happy about leaving them to their own devices as your stepchildren are. It sounds to me as if they have been left on their own more than is desirable, particularly if the older one has SN.
I think the other thing you need are ground rules which apply in your house and which your dp helps you enforce. i.e "OK, I know when you're in your Mum's you don't have to put your dishes in the dishwasher but in this house, you do." You are not a nanny or a childminder, you are their stepmum so your house, your rules.
Also, for your whole family, I think the best thing you can do as a family, is set the table, cook a aimple meal and all sit down together to eat. Dh and I both work but this is one thing we do every evening with the children, mostly it's something I've cooked from scratch occasionally it's breaded chicken and oven chips but it is a meal, everyone must sit at the table and it's a great way of bonding. Ds3 eats better this way as he has the example of ds1 and ds2 and it makes it more of a social occasion. Sometimes in this setting children feel they can open up more, and chat about things that bother them. I am probably making us sound like the Waltons which we aren't but I do think it could help.

I do think that the vitriol being thrown at the OP is a fine example of how everything is always a woman's fault, and everything would be better if women would just forget having any feelings, needs or wishes themselves and just get on with doing what they are told, unpaid, for ever.
Why is the father of these children taking no notice of the situation, of his wife's (and presumalby ex-wife's) obvious unhappiness at the arrangement? Does he ever have any kind of conversation with his older children, or ask them what they want? Because it soudns very much as though he has told both wife and ex-wife - and the children that 'this is how it's going to be, because I say so. End of discussion.' He is a neglectful parent.

i think you'll find several posters including myself have raised the ? of his role and responsibilities in this situation.

Elizabeth - not that it should be relevent, but I have Stepparents on both sides.

I think that you are tired and worn out with your own children, perhaps you could explain this to DP. It is alot to ask of you to care for SC also when you feel like this. Could you negotiate with DP and say something along the lines of this, also perhaps some rules for his children while they are in your home, so everyone can get the respect they need.

I don't think that's very nice TBH. Perhaps the child was asking what you was doing (re writing the email) because he was interested rather than trying to kaboosh your quiet time. If you were my step-mum I would really dislike you and feel unwelcome even though it's the step-DCs own fathers house.

Maybe you should open your mind a bit more and make an effort with them. They sound like normal kids, bringing friends round etc so embrace that and try and do activities that alll of you can join in with like baking. Not wanting to cook for them is really dismal too. You should be ashamed of that! I presume you cook for your own DC, so why not cook the same thing for them at the same time?

I just find it very odd that you object to your DPs children coming and going and your looking after them whilst he is at work. When you start a new relationship with someone who has children, and you get as involved as you are, ie having children together, his children effectively become yours too surely?

My DP has a DD aged 3, and I have DDs aged 4 and 5, my DDs live with us and his DD comes to our house every other week, usually for at least 4 days, which will include the weekend. During the week DP is at work, so I have my DD2 and his DD to take care of. I would never dream of treating her any differently to my DDs and I would like to think that I treat her as my own child when she is with us. We have not been together a very long time (less than a year) but I am really beginning to love her as much as my own DDs.

Surely if nothing else, you would love and care for your DSCs as an extension of your love and care for your DP?

Maybe they are bringing friends around all the time because they simply cannot bear to be alone with you?

I agree that you should try introduce meal times, and you should discuss with your partner how best it can be arranged so that having the children around is not so much of a chore for you, ie set ground rules. They need to have duties in your house, such as help clearing up after the meal, maybe mind the youngest while you cook/set the table, etc. Also, their mum and dad should be able to think about after school, or half term activities for the kids to take the pressure of you a little.

This is so sad (if it's true).

It sounds to me like the dad (OPs partner) is going to work to support his blended family. The mother (dad's ex) is also working, presumably to provide for her 2 children.

The OP is a SAHM with her "own" 2 young children, is finding parenting them hard (not sleeping properly etc) and her partner is expecting her to care occasionally for his 2 older children in his/their home.

I am really not understanding the problem here. Did Mallodie really not stop to think when she hooked up with a man with 2 children that she may be expected to assist in the care of his children? Surely as a stepmum they are by extension her children too? They are the half siblings of her own children for goodness sakes!

Mallodie - you need a reality check. Children do not stop needing care and supervision once they hit 10. They are still children. You cannot expect them to live over the road in an empty house for the day whilst you swan around with your little ones.

OK I can understand you might be feeling out upon, but you need to sort that out with your partner not take it out on 2 rather abandoned children. Ignoring them and not feeding them is petty and childish, even more so if the older one has special needs. You should be more helpful in his case, not less so.

I don't think you're depressed and I don't think you need to see a GP, but you need a kick up the bum to realise that you have a very skewed view of parenting especially in a blended family. You're all in this together and the sooner you sit down with your partner and get it sorted the better really.

Oops should say put upon not out upon

HI There.
I am new to this forem, so not sure if I am doing this corectly.

to the original poster

I am unable to fathom your attititude towards these children.
I know with my step children not only do I care for them becouse they are them but also becouse they are an extension to the man I married.
I also have children and when they where born my 1st priority was trying to make all the children understand that just becouse they might have one different birth parent we are all connected through each other and that makes us all family one way or another.

I might be wrong but from here it does sound that you are jealouse of them.
they never asked to be put in this situation, you chose to be tho.

"i am starting to like these children less and less"

OR Whatever

Yes the dp should perhaps take op's feelings into consideration, but, during his time with his children, what other options are there? You are a family and that means everyone helps out in whatever way they can, and Malloddie, you ARE home, so why shouldn't you keep an eye on them?
Would you be happier for him to PAY someone to do it? You are his PARTNER, that means helping each other.

I do feel bad for the children, as it really hurts to feel unwanted. Why do you not like the children? Is this maybe not the way you imagined things would be? (ie, did you want someone who didn't have any previous responsibilities??

Just as an aside, my mother and her sister and brother were mistreated by her step mother, and it has created trouble in the family that can be felt to this day.

I am sure you are a good mum to your children, but beware of what you are showing them with regard to your sdc's. Children see more than we think they do, and they make up their own mind.

Good Luck

I have just come across this thread and I am just amazed by the total lack of love these children are receiving.

Mum is not around as she is at work all day and Dad is too so they are told that on certain days they need to be at dads house and Step-mum is not around either.

These children need discipline, love and attention by the sounds of it and as harsh as OP has been I dont think this is entirely her responsibility.

The childcare situation is not working and therefore needs to be re-addressed. All 3 adults need to sit down and work out a solution where they SC are put first.

I appreciate that you are tired and hav two young children however you need to have time out too and I think an afternoon out with some friends while someone else has the children would do you the world of good.

There are people out there that will help you and I suggest that you contact a charity like home start that will give you support- speak to your help visitor about it. BUT seriously you need to sort DP's children out first as there is a definate risk that the SC are being neglected and are at risk which automatically puts your children at risk too.

Chldren should not be treated like this- please do the right thing and ask for help, HV, midwife, Homestart, DP, DP ex, family friends????? anyone... just stop treating them like this.

What do they eat ?????I don't think a 10 year old can cook for themselves, nor should they be left alone.

It IS a big shock going from just young children to bigger older skids, but I did it. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't ever not feed them or interact with them, or even care for them.

Is it the adjustment you find hard? We have a very young child, and 3 huge teenagers in our house, and Yes they are noisy and yes they do wake her up. But they don't do it on purpose, and they all worship her, so in the end it doesn't really matter.

Also I would say it can be hard in other ways with teenagers and young children. I cannot imagine dragging my 14 year old ds round IKEA BUT you can reajust your living space to deal with things.

EG we dp and I got so sick of E4 crap and Top gear drivel being on, that we got another tv, now we never have to watch it and dd can play without the tv being on all the time. Also computer games go in bedrooms, not in main tv.

But our teenagers usually take mates (or youths) to their rooms not in living room, but they do make a noise and shout, but Hey So What? Didn't you at that age.....

As for dishes not in dishwasher, drives me mad, no matter how often we say something there is ALWAYS dishes on the side, even though they swear they put them in dishwasher But teenagers are inherently selfish and don't think, but it isn't malicious.

If you truly love your man then unfortunately for you they are part of him,and until you had your two children with him they should have been 1 and 2 in his life.
Children come first.
If the arrangement is he has them for the five days then he should regardless of whether he is at work.
If you were not on the scene he would have them and allow them to wait at home til he returned from work anyway.
Is it so hard to put two extra meals out for a few days every other week?
I am not being agressive but if i were your partner i would nt be with you if you were not prepared to help me with them they were there before you.
I have three of my own and have taken on two step children full time as well.I resent the hard extra work at times but i truly love my man and they are his kids.I get hacked off at times because i am their main carer as he works long hours and their birth mother only sees them occasionally and never overnight .
But having my man makes up for any niggles i have.
Also at 14 this child could cook with you or even for you??
They could use some of their energy playing with the little one s??
Good Luck but don t lose your man over it and the kids deserve a father .

You refuse to feed a 10 year old child and get annoyed when they want to talk to you?

I am speechless.

OP, I think you should talk to the children's mother - she doesn't want them left at your house with you since you obviously dislike them and can't be bothered to look after them (not providing food is just appalling). If dp's at work, just arrange to take the kids back to their mum. Irritating dp vs. treating children like shit - no contest.

Shocked and saddened to read this post.

Is it unreasonable for me to thinking social services should be getting involved about the wellbeing of ALL the children and the family unit as a whole?

this is two months old

I wonder how it ended up.

Hopefully the dp realised what a cow his wife is and took some action.

partner, even.

I haven't had the time to read all of this, but I am also shocked at the OP. My partner has a stepson (you could technically say an ex stepson as he and the lad's mother are divorced) as well as a son from the marriage. He brought the lad up as his own from the age of 18 months. This boy has quite severe special needs, is wheelchair bound and at the age of 14 still wears a nappy. But DP still has his stepson over as often as he can, phones him, cares for him and loves him. I, as his 'new' partner, have 3 kids of my own and amgoing through hell with other issues in my life with regards my ex, but I welcome and embrace both boys - have just been shopping for birthday presents for my DP's stepson, wrapped them and written the cards. They were there before me, and if we ever split, God forbid, they will be there long after me. My point is, that when you fall in love with someone who has DC from a previous relationship, you take them on lock stock and barrel. he has taken mine on as his own, and I have done the same with his. Incidentally, it is this level of compassion and goodness and love that he has towards his kids, and mine, that make me fall in love with him more and more every day.

I have typed replies to this 3 times and have had to delete them - am just disgusted at this woman - god these are children who need love, boundaries and daily care - she is doing no one any faviours - she took them on - if I were her I would be shitting it that my DP didn't piss off and at some point my kids had to be looked after by a step parent who was just mean to the core!