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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

262 replies

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 21:44

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

OP posts:

susiecutiemincepies · 07/01/2008 22:49

I think its the way you have written about your DSC, that has got everyone so angry, deffensive of your DSC.

I dont agree with much of what you have put, how you've decribed it all, however, I just got the impression, maybe naively, maybe not, that you are just at the end of your tether, and desperate.

It didnt seem the right thing to me, to get at you about what and how you have written it. Perhaps you could understand it if you had read a similar OP... mis judged perhaps?

JUst wanted to add that before you feel more desperate.. I cannot believe that as a mum yourself, you would condone what you've said in your OP, which makes me wonder if you are depressed... sorry if far too personal.

nodder · 07/01/2008 22:50

Ok so if your two are under 3, then you have been a stepmother since your stepchildren were 7 and 11.
You are selfish and immature to not feed a 10 and 14 yr old, especially a 10 yr old.
It is about time you GREW UP.

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 22:50

exactly...if you don't want te bother..find someone who has no kids of their own but is happy enough to take yours on....

stripeymama · 07/01/2008 22:51

You could always leave if you really can't bear it.

Let him find someone who will accept all of his children as being part of the deal.

And hope that she treats your children better than you are treating his.

Quattrocento · 07/01/2008 22:51

Maybe you don't need to bother with the loo - probably cost a lot. Scrap the loo then. Just the shed. If they blow themselves up with the butane burner - well it's their own look out - you did your best.

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 22:56

Oh Quattro
Please please make an appointment with your gp insist you dp goes too, tell them everything. Your dp may decide it is better for your not to have any contact with the dsc which tbh can only benefit you all, the dsc especially

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 22:56

I find this very odd

I'm afraid that they are young still and need love and care

You knew they existed from the beginning and you can't just wish them away

They are children

Of course they want to know what you are doing and eat and have company and someone taking an interest in them

Beyond that I think perhpas you might benefit from parenting classes to give you some skills

Original poster

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 22:58

A fourteen year old boy is not interested in coming to IKEA with me, a double buggy and two toddlers (please!). Neither is he interested in laying a table or putting his dish in the dishwasher! Both older children have their own friends and have their own plans; I am not leaving them behind! Their father often goes out and leaves them on their own in the day (with or without me being there) and they enjoy it. These children have been walking to school by themselves for several years now; they are independent and have been left alone to cook pasta on their own before now; I don't need to cook pasta for them! Yes, I admit I find it hard to relate to children of 10 and 13 and actually see them as children next to my two little ones...it is absolutely impossible to fast-forward time like that. Has anybody out there tried to keep a baby asleep whilst teenagers are coming and going; most people I know are 'hushing' and sticking notes on the door about not ringing the bell and that's even without the teenagers! For me, it just seemed to make more sense that the older children stayed at their mother's house (across the road!) until my DP came back from work....at 5pm, not midnight! They go backwards and forwards anyway so where's the problem....except in the formal negotiation. For the person out there who didn't seem to pick this up...the younger children are shared children, not just my children. And, no we don't have an attic!!!

OP posts:

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 22:58

Quattro..camping loos don't cost much! who's going to clean it out though

serenity · 07/01/2008 22:59

What really bugs me is the fact that she's moaning about having them alone all day when they're not at school.

How often is that?

Alternate weekends yes? So, maybe once at Christmas, once or twice at Easter, maybe 3 times during the Summer holidays? OK, every half term it will be either one or two days (I'm presuming Th, F, S, S, M or similar) so what, 18 days max? Out of 365?

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 22:59

I do think the OP has a point about her DP dumping his kids on her.

He obviously thinks that she's accepted his DC's as part of the deal of being with him. She's failed to communicate that as far as she's concerned, they are not.

This really highlights the responsibilities people have when they enter into relationships where one or both partners have children. Too many people assume too much about their partner's attitude.

I can't understand why he doesn't let their mother have them, if he's not prepared to look after them himself and the OP is not prepared to look after him.

And also, the OP does sound a bit depressed.

kama · 07/01/2008 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LittleBella · 07/01/2008 23:01

Sorry, meant the OP is not prepared to look after them

ingles2 · 07/01/2008 23:02

But Mallodie,...it's your house, your rules! A 14 yr old should be putting dishes in the dishwasher, even my 6 yr old can and does manage that. So...how severe are his SN?

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 07/01/2008 23:03

you are ignoring the pretty unanimous responses to your op. which i can understand as you clearly wish to be told yanbu.....
well you are. unreasonable and unkind and wholly lacking in understanding of a 10 year olds (and 13 year old's) needs.
a 10 year old is not a "teenager" as you term him or her. he / she is a child. a 13 year old needs someone to take a proper interest in them and know what they are up to.
if you will can not doe these things then you should tell dp and exw that you are not willing to have them in hoime when dp is not there...
when dp is there do you all eat together???

susiecutiemincepies · 07/01/2008 23:04

I totally understand ALL of your reactions to this post. It was mine when I first read it. HOWEVER, this woman, has asked for help! She is clearly on the edge but, attacking, and calling her evil, and vile, and a witch etc etc is not going to help her in the slightest, and more importantly the children caught up in this.

I've not been in her situation, but i've felt bloody desperate about things in the past, and I know that such desperation and chronic tiredness really does nothing to help your judgment, your emotions, and your perception on life. Its almost impossible to afford empathy to others ( her DSC in this case) when you feel so shitty about yourself in the first place.

lisalisa · 07/01/2008 23:04

Message withdrawn

colditz · 07/01/2008 23:05

You do need to cook pasta for them. Just because someone is physically capable of doing everything for themselves does not mean they are emotionally capable of caring for themselves. They are not adults. They need an adult's input. You are neglecting their needs - and if you really think they don't need an adult around, why don't you give Social Services a ring, and ask them about the situation? My guess is that they will say a 14 year old with special needs is not appropriate childcare for a 10 year old - and yes, legally, that 10 year old needs childcare.

You need to sort this out with your partner. And you need to start providing appropriate care until you do, because if the 10 year old mentions the situation to his teachers, you are in one big heap o' shit.

3andnomore · 07/01/2008 23:05

I am not being funny,, but the Ops partner and his x are possibly both working whilst she is a sahm with young Kids....it does make sense, for everyones finacial benefit, that she looks after the Kids when the working parts can't....if I was in that poisition, I would not care less...
anyway, on one hand you say they are so independent, on the you stay the specific sn of one of the Kids then wonder when peope pick up on that.
Anyway, I really don't get your problem...if those Kids are that independent you don't have a prob....right?

colditz · 07/01/2008 23:05

No, no, you don't have to love them - but it's not on to neglect them!

hatrick · 07/01/2008 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

partypiece · 07/01/2008 23:08

You are nasty, nasty, nasty. If I knew what was going on in your house, I'd call social services.

Original poster

Malloddie · 07/01/2008 23:08

Ingles2..I'm finding impossible to enforce any type of rules as they say they don't do it in their mother's house and he moans, complains and walks away when I do ask; these are children who are not used to helping. The amount of laundry is the biggest problem; sometimes up to 2 pairs of trousers a day in the wash basket...that's way too much ironing that either myself or my DP can cope with!

OP posts:

partypiece · 07/01/2008 23:08

They are your children's brothers!!!

colditz · 07/01/2008 23:09

The n you need to SORT THIS OUT with your partner. And until you have done that it is not appropriate behavior to neglect two children.

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