Partner leaves his children in house all day with me whilst he's at work; feel this is unreasonable

[Malloddie]

Maybe I'm being unreasonable on this but perhaps someone might be able to see it from a different point of view. I am at home with two young children of my own, both under age 3. My DP has two older children who stay with us every alternate week for 5 days (always over a weekend). If the older children happen to be on holiday from school whilst he is at work, they are left in the house all day whilst I'm there. To be fair, he doesn't expect me to cook for them (I've put my foot down on this!) but they do come and go with their friends throughout the day slamming doors etc. Today, during a rare quiet moment I was writing an email when one of them asked me what I was doing! I am finding that I am staying out of the house when I know they are here and usually spend the whole day roaming around IKEA where I know we can play and be fed! This has been going on for about two years and there are times when I wish they would just disappear from our lives. I've had an incidence when DSD sat between myself and another mother on the sofa when my youngest was born asking questions all the time; I really wanted to be left alone to chat to this other mother who had a baby exactly the same age; I was furious! I have confronted my DP about his children staying in their mother's house (which is just across the road!)whilst he's not here but he won't agree as he doesn't want to have them any less. His x has even asked can she take the kids more but he said he wanted things to stay as they are (even though he is not here!). I now resent his kids more than ever; especially as one has a 'special needs' problem and takes to pacing up and down the floorboards on a regular basis. My youngest son has been a handful since he was born as he's very 'active' and hardly sleeps day or nite so naturally I am very tired most of the time. My other child is only 16 months older than him! I feel my dp is totally unreasonable expecting me to act as 'nursemaid' although they are old enough to look after themselves somewhat. Can anyone help with any suggestions??? We are hoping to move out of the area (to the other side of town) later this year so hopefully that will make a difference; maybe they won't come as often. I feel this has more to do with my DP and his x rather than the anybody else!

(smile) Dear Malloddie, I have only just found this thread and only read the first page so perhaps I don't have a balanced view. Felt I had to respond because so many people are being unsympathetic and quite frankly, nasty.

You haven't done anything wrong it is not wrong to dislike your stepkids. They are quite capable of making your life a misery and it sounds as though they are doing so.

And you are right, it is down to your DH and their mother. You are not their mother and whilst you take on caring responsibilities as step mum, they have a perfectly serviceable mother in the same street.

I suggest they feel rejected by her and resentful to be parcelled off to you when their Dad is out.

Sorry but I think they are treating you like a doormat.

Utter shame on others like tiredemma and serenity for being so unsympathetic and cruel.

One can only consider them judgemental bitches. Sorry, I hope I am allowed to say that.

Agree with Groovyolmutha - my partner wouldn't dream of making me look after my stepson on my own for more than an hour or so unless it was an emergancy and even then he checks that I actually want to do it. I'm not the babysitter.

In this case the BM wants the kids, the kids would probably prefer to be with the BM and the dad isn't even home to be with them. He's just on a power trip.

I think you are under enough pressure with two small children of your own to look after. Enrol them in a holiday club.

groovyolmutha, I think you are being unfair here.

You say 'it is not wrong to dislike your stepkids' ... well ok, you can't force yourself to like every child you meet. But these are not just any old children, they are the children of this woman's partner. Even if she secretly resents them, they are now part of the family she has chosen to be in and surely she has some responsiblity to care for them as well?

Anyway, I think teh OP is a troll message so don't know why I am really posting here.

mind you, I haven't read the whole thread - is there really an element of this stepmum being dumped on by the dad and BM? Oh, well, perhaps my last message was a bit hasty.

my mother had 5 step children from the age of 6 to 14 when i came along and then my sister, so she had 7, she actively enouraged older ones to help, take us out etc with their friends and we had a great time growing up. My SIL ended up with 2 of her step children living with her, one who was drinking, drug taking and in trouble with police and the other who was dringking, drugs and self harming she also had 2 little ones during this time. Sorry people have it alot harder than you. Grow up and deal with it.

When I met my now DH and realised that I was about to become a step mum, a friend (another step mum) said something to me, which I thought was very true.
In an ideal world, for me, my step son wouldn't exist. In an ideal world, for my step son, I wouldn't exist. But we do.
Make the most of it. Treat them as you would want your own children to be treated if you and your DH split up. Deal with it.

I don't think you sound awful. But I think until you can sort your partner out, you should make them meals and at least pretend that you like them and like having them around.

I think your partner is taking the p1ss though. Some people have slated you, but it's hard working looking after two small children. I don't think you are awful, I just think you're mis-directing your anger.

Your partner shouldn't leave you with FOUR children. Either he should send his two back to their mum's for the day, or he should not be working on a saturday.

They don't sound like bad children though tbh. The worst you can say about them is that they ask questions! Bless them really. They have been ignored all day every weekend and that's been going on for a long time now. I'd be a bit nicer to them and see if you grow to like them at all.
It's their Dad that needs a kick. I'd be channelling my resentment in his direction if I were you!

Being a stepmother is a very difficult job, you need to work hard at it and, frankly, you're not even trying. You're whining and feeling sorry for yourself.

My heart goes out to your excluded stepkids, I can't imagine how stressful it must be to have to share a house with someone as narcisstic as you.

You married and had kids with a man who already had children. You were extremely foolish not to realise that makes you a stepmother with maternal responsibilities towards these children.

I bet that after the incident where you got pissy about a child asking questions in the presence of grown-ups (imagine!) your stepkids got the message loud and clear that you strongly dislike them and the intrusion you perceive them to be. You can hardly expect them to make an effort to like and respect you if you display nothing but contempt for them.

I suggest that you start treating these kids with the respect, care and consideration that they deserve. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be the one sending your precious little angels to the care of a stepmother, would you like it if they were ignored, unfed and disdained and generally treated like a nuisance?

I hope you tell your partner everything you told us here because he needs to know how cold-hearted you are towards his kids.

Talking of the future, one day when you are old you may need to rely on these stepchildren more than you think. They may contest your husband's will or make life unpleasant for you in other ways. You don't want to alienate them too much - they may never forgive you.

Groovyolmutha- I take great offence at you calling me a 'judgmental bitch'.

Lots of mnetters made comments about Mallodies cruel behaviour- why have you singled me out?????

Sorry tiredemma. I was using you as an example and I think perhaps I was being harsh generally on those who have posted unsympathetic repllies because I was angry on behalf of malloddie..

It is possible Malloddie might be a troll but I don't sothink it is more likely that she is overwhelmed by her situation and need support and good practical advice rather than condemnation.

I stick with what I said about step kids, you don't have to like them. It is very important to remember this. What you do have to do is behave to them as if you do like them and treat them kindly and appropriately. Every step family is different. The dynamics with the ex are always different. It is impossible to legislate. What works in one family won't work in another.

Mallodie, I think you should try to engage some external assistance and r eally talk all this through with your dh.

This is from January, the OP didn't come back so I guess it is sorted one way or ther other.