Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

Hi Ladies.
Currently sat here in tears and needing a bit of SM support.
Tried to speak to DH as 5 yr old DD was upset about something her older half sisters (16 and 18 yr old SDs ) have said to her. He’s completely gone off the handle at me, thrown his phone across the room and stormed into another room saying I’ve spoiled the evening. He’s defending his teenager’s poor behaviour when we have an upset 5 yr old who’s upset and bewildered as to why her sisters are treating her / saying the things they’ve been saying. I just wanted to have a chat with him about it to try and sort this out and he’s completely gone into one and isn’t interested in listening to what I have to say.

@LadyCluck sounds tough does he often get like this?

Ok what's been said by SC - how bad was it on the scale ? I think wanting to have a normal convo over bad behaviour by any child in the house should be a norm and not a reason to be blamed for ruining the evening.

Sending you a massive hug. I hope your DP gives his had a wobble and comes to apologise soon !

I can’t ever talk to him about the SC if there’s an issue. He gets very defensive and says I’m picking on his kids. That’s why two years ago i disengaged. It’s been easier since then and things improved slightly.

Things that upset me now, I tend to try and let go (due to bugger all support) but I’m not having our 5 yr old upset like this. I just wanted a (calm) chat with him and a bit of support but once again he’s made me out to be the wicked witch of the west and isn’t interested in addressing the issue.

Thank you.

She said they both keep telling her that she’s really weird. Also constantly telling her to be quiet, to go away, telling her she’s annoying.

Yes - some may think it’s not the worst thing they could have said to her but she really loves her older sisters and became very upset when she was telling me about this. You don’t treat a small child in this way.

It could all be nipped in the bud really quickly and didn’t need a big fuss but the way he’s reacted has upset me more than anything. It’s made me feel like he doesn’t care about her feelings. Carrying on with the same old Disney parenting and reinforcing that whatever happens with the SC, I never get any support.

@LadyCluck what would he do if you stepped in and say hey that's not ok way to speak to your SS ? Would it kick things off ! The problem with ignoring small things is they get bigger if not nipped in bud !

It would likely kick off. We had this years ago. If something happened, I’d say something to them but he’d either then challenge me in front of the SC or he’d have words with me after saying that he was worried they wouldn’t feel welcome. 🙄

If they upset me then that’s one thing but not my DD. After last nights row I told him
im sick of how unsupportive he’s been the last 12 years and that going forward I’m not interested in his “softly, softly” approach and that I’ll deal with the SC myself. If that upsets any of them, I’m past caring.

I think with SC you really have to be a united front or they think oh ok I can go around her and speak to dad.

The guilt some of these men have are creating bad humans I swear down. Lack of boundaries is bad for kids,I hope all goes ok and keep us posted

Just know that there's a large group of us cheering you on and will be here to remind you you aren't evil just very normal human with basic needs and wants !

I love this. I have been a sm for 10 years and it almost destroyed my marriage. Always has exw drama, as she wanted DH to jump at her every demand, which he did for a long time. Got worse when I had my dd and I was sick of my life being controlled by exw so I completely disengaged and still refuse to care for ss alone as I was the worst woman on the planet and not worthy of him. He is now a teen and is aware that all the tripe his dm spouted about me was untrue and we have a wonderful relationship, better than he does with my DH lol! Dm still tries to play games but holds no power anymore so that is wonderful. Still, if my DD wanted to get into a relationship with a man with kids I would strongly advise her against it. My SS has been a pleasure to live with and he is lovely with dd but I could have done without the dm toxicity in my life x

Thank you 💐

We are going home today everyone. Thank fuck. DSD has stayed in room for last 7 days only talking when to command she's hungry. It's created such a awful atmosphere. She's told us it's because we didn't pay for a friend of her choosing to come on holiday (at £800 per person she's having us on). Mind you we have to siblings her and teens club and plenty of kids who have tried to make friends and DSD has scowled at and made mean comments on.

I have spoken to my ex re my DD and he's happy for me to continue as we are as long as my DD has no contact with DSD which means contact will be not at my house for DSD. What they decide re where is happens is not my problem or concern: me and my Dd will not be made to feel unwelcome or get hurt in my house.
It does feel a bit evil step mother like but I'm just not having it.

All because a baby was born. I feel naive for not seeing even half of this coming.

I still not understand why my DD is suddenly a target, I doubt though we will ever hear it from her

It's very sad all of it.

Glad you’re going home and that you feel empowered to set the right boundaries for you. Your SD not having contact at all with your DD sounds very sensible. I wouldn’t have her near my children either.

It’s up to her father to manage that in a way that SD doesn’t perceive as a reward I guess. Although, I guess that’s not your problem really. It’s in SD’s interest to make sure the response doesn’t validate or
reinforce the behaviour. So long as your children are kept out of it, though, that’s really her parents’ issue to worry about.

I am really sorry it’s gotten to this stage and that your holiday was ruined by it.

I have to say, it seems extremely unlikely to me that your SD even has a friend she could go on holiday with. It doesn’t sound like she has the social skills for that.

It's rather telling @FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander that DH sister has two kids DSD cousins and his sister said she wouldn't be willing to let cousins go out of fear they too would be a target and they are much older than my dd.

The option is put my DD in line of fire of risk or DSD thinking she's won.
Ultimately I will be choosing the latter as former is not something I would ever allow.

I'm also going to be investing a lot less time energy and money into DSD. Neither parent will like it, more her mum who will yell about her being a child 🙄 how unfair it is (it's my money and my horses and I fund them independently of DH so she can swivel)

Thing is even small children get the concept of not hurting others/animals. I am confident though that she only chooses targets she sees as weaker. Horses are not by any sense a animal to be bullied (well mine aren't) but that doesn't mean now she will have access to them for a long while.

It's a shame but you reap what you sow ect. I'm sure I will be back to vent soon about the long list DSM comes back with which explains why DSD behaviour was not only acceptable but justified.

I however will never be going on holiday with her again. Ever and that is a fact and if anyone asks me about it, I will say she hurt my DC on holiday and I won't let her do it again. Like fuck am I offering up my small children to be bullied.

I realise I must go to counselling too, I grew up v v v poor but very much loved. I realise I'm probably trying to fix my childhood and give the kids everything I didn't have and expecting how grateful I would have been , ignoring the way my step kids have grown up (never told no) so to them getting nice stuff is less a treat and more a right they are entitled too.

pitchfork that sounds awful. Sending love.

As for the teen girls calling their sister weird and annoying…. That’s just nasty and at their age they should know better. Agree entirely that by not calling it out Dad is permitting it. God being a stepmum is hard!

It definitely is hard.

i agree that fathers who ignore nasty behaviour like that are encouraging it. It’s not ok!

@pitchforksandflamethrowers best of luck going forward.
In terms of setting up separate contact, yet it not being a reward - I would strongly insist that your DH reduces the contact.
So if say beforehand he would see DSD two days a week - when it was able to happen "happily" at your house, with you and your children around - now that reduces to 1 day as he would need to be away from you and your DC.
DSD and even her mum might kick off but tough.

Can I just sigh here. Tonight we’ve got one of THOSE threads. It’s so depressing. SO depressing.

no wonder being a SM is so fucking hard.

The grandmas anniversary?

am literally head in hands.

if I’m being generous with my understanding then perhaps it’s just that people don’t really understand the dynamics of stepfamilies.

but on the other hand just kill me now!

What else could it be?

I don’t think I feel as charitable as you. I think people will twist literally anything to make an SM the villain. Anything at all.

And the patriarchal shit where the father is treated like a hero for considering precisely no one - his kids included - when he said yes to his ex too.

Just awful.

At least MN have deleted the posts I’ve reported on it I guess. But 90% of it is just awful. Such utter ignorance.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander just seen the thread you mentioned. Literally made my eyes want to bleed. People are deliberately being absolute knobs on that granny's dinner one xx

Yes, the Dad is the one at fault here but obviously he can’t turn down one evening with his kids because he already has plans. It’s fine for their mum to do that though 🤷‍♀️

it’s no wonder stepmums are so afraid of speaking up about their feelings when this is what they’re faced with 😢

Absolutely. The responses are so awful. So many people insisting he’s superdad and everyone associated with the OP is at fault.

The bar for men is subterranean. Even where they openly show disregard for everyone else, they’re championed for seeing their kids. Even where it will cause more work for an already stressed elderly lady who wants to celebrate her wedding anniversary.

And so much wilful ignorance of the complexity and reality of stepfamilies. Always reduced to ‘they’re your family’, ‘they’re your child’s half siblings’ (I think I hate this one the most), and ‘ poor kids’.

@stepmumspacepodcast agreed. I think also a lot of it's down to the fact we know as soon as you say your a step mum people subconsciously think ah right she's one of those. So we do everything in our power to fight that narrative.

I have openly known people to be lovely and friendly and then as soon as I say I'm a step mum to look like I have served up a dead cat, they usually say oh well your actually really nice 🙄🙄 shocked

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander it's so dammed depressing what's worse is you know the teens absolutely do not want to be included in this type of thing. I hated those types of events as a teen, but because the option is to disrupt a mums plans people are up in arms.

It's so depressing.

A thread like Grandma's Anniversary comes along every once in a while and really seems to attract every emotionally challenged knob on MN.
I was glad to see the OP wasn't having any of their shite. It was so biased, myopic, no sense of perspective or balance, the reading comprehension capabilities of some posters in serious doubt... But they didn't let that stand in the way of their attacks on the OP and her entire family. Just awful.

emotionally challenged knobs

You just made my day with that turn of phrase 😂

It's like Christmas isn't it. You must get the kids exactly same amount of presents even if that here's a cost disparity, but ignore the fact they have two houses giving to lots of presents so teddy be up with twice as much anyhow.

Makes me despair. Either people can't read or they simple chose to ignore certain parts.