Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

It would be sensible to talk to a solicitor, and find out your financial position. Not sure how much of the 19yrs together is the marriage, and it may make a difference who put what into the house. Are you financially independent?

However, whenever you make a big change there is pushback. People don't take losing their privileges lightly.... If suicide threats fail, then rallying the troops against you is another tactic. A counsellor for yourself would give you someone at your back - help you stick to your guns.

The Nan is being stupid, frankly. After all these years with your DH, you'd be number one candidate for helping her out in old age, followed by your younger children. She hasn't a prayer of getting any practical help from her oldest granddaughter - wingeing company won't change sheets or lightbulbs, it just makes demands.

If DH could even find himself a younger model, she most definitely would NOT be at the Nan's beck and call! If he thinks its easy to find another woman who will take him on with a 26yr old daughter still at home and calling all the shots - he is going to be very, very disappointed!

Take a long, hard look at this man who is putting you down. Is he all that? Is this just temporary pushback or has he been making a long habit of this? Do you want to grow old with him with all this attitude? What kind of father is he to your younger ones? Worth putting up with loads of crap for?

I think the extended family are often profoundly caught up in - and drivers of - the general dysfunction. So I’m not surprised that her grandmother is involved or that the SD knows how to use her.

The weird pride people have over remaining alone post-divorce is part of the generally dysfunctional martyrdom that surrounds all this. The ‘good parent’ is one who martyrs themselves in order to prove how important the kids are despite the divorce. It’s an extension of the whole ‘making it up to the children’ thing.

where fathers do repartner, the wife becomes such a convenient figure On which to hang all of that. It’s somehow her fault that he hasn’t taken a vow of celibacy to repent for the sin of breaking up his first family. Implicitly she must have tempted him. And she’s the outsider who threatens everything by having normal human needs and the expectation of being treated like a person in her own home.

Thank you both for responding, yes I would do couples counselling he won’t. Savings are all under his name. That makes me sound stupid , I feel like I have really had a number done on me. So not exit plan. I have been self employed for 18 years bring up the kids and then went employed since covid so only bring in base level salary. He was the one who developed his career during that time. So will not be able to get mortgage on my own. He told me last night that I disappoint and disgust him, as my overall standard are to low and his are to high ( he was referring to my body and the home) and that he think we are no longer compatible. And no wonder the 26year old has problems, and the other two will go the same way.

typing this is making me realise how ridiculous it sounds.

Just don’t know what to do about it!!! I don’t know where to start!!!!

He’s not a nice man @lcqueen. How dare he say his standards are higher than yours. I bet he isn’t the catch he imagines himself to be - the 26 year old daughter who manipulates everything by throwing tantrums is not attractive!

You're married so the savings are a marital asset regardless of whose names they are in. It’s a long marriage - 19 years of cohabiting/marriage counts. and the mid twenties ‘child’ isn’t a dependent he needs to house!

see a solicitor. It is so helpful.

If he wants to replace you with a younger model, he'll have to rehouse his daughter first! Do you honestly think a young woman would stand for a competitor for the partner role? He's trying to break down your resistance and push you back into the family servant box with all these threats and insults.

See a solicitor. The marital home must be half yours, at least. You've raised all of his children there for him, and you still have the youngest under 18 to go. He will have pension plans as well as the savings. These all go into the marital pot. Would be worth photocopying savings books/statements etc and stashing the copies somewhere unfindable. Do that soon, before he gets to hear about the solicitor.

However, it depends how long this disrespect has been evident. If it is just since your recent problems with the daughter, then it's an attempt to keep the status quo, and if you stand your ground he may buckle. If it's longstanding, consider all your options.

@lcqueen
Read this. I think you need to:

www.pete-walker.com/humanBillofRights.htm

You can get something out on the house that stops him transferring the title into someone else's name. The only way he can dodge it being the martial home.

Seconding taking copies today your mission is to take copies of anything pension, financial and bank related. He thinks he's been smart putting it all in his name but since your married and it's been a long marriage the literal starting point is 50/50 and if your the primary carer for the kids it maybe argued you need to keep the house. The 26 year old won't be considered as a child the courts need to provide for.

He wants you to believe you are backed into a corner with no options but frankly that's not the case. As any good lawyer will tell you, most offer a free consultation for 30mins so you can get advice. He will not want lawyers involved and will say let's do it online cheaply so he can bully you and you don't have a lawyers backing. Don't fall for it.

As spaceships says if this is new boundary it maybe that actually ramping up is to make you cave. Your in a incredibly strong position and I know it doesn't feel like that right now but it's in his interest to make you believe otherwise.

You can do this. Small tiny steps of fuck you. Document find and shuffle away. I don't doubt this guy is gonna try and hide shit from you.

Also new model won't put up with that for the same reason you shouldn't. Because you are worth more.

I doubt even transferring the house into, say, his mother’s name now would change it being the marital home. The court would most definitely see that as him trying to hide assets and subvert a fair financial settlement process.

Everything that’s his is a marital asset at this point.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander sadly this happened with my friend and her husband and it's having to prove it which you can do if you have a financial investigator or put a note on land registry. Cost her like £45 and funnily enough he only found out when he came to put it in his dads name. Depends on whether he's willing to lie and say that the house was bought pre marriage and with family assets ect so not really martial asset as it was never his asset per say.

I think he’d have to prove that. The assumption would be 18 years on its most definitely the marital home.

but It’s all speculation about possible shenanigans. Hopefully nothing that will happen.

In bizarroland (my life currently), my H is trying to tie himself in knots to somehow make me the villain this weekend. Currently the fact that I haven’t ‘said anything nice’ in response to his pathetic self pity over the feelings he currently has of being a shit husband and father is the angle he’s going with. Completely ignoring that I have elected to keep quiet and say absolutely nothing about his choices. Even though they very clearly communicate his priorities (as always). He feels bad but wants it to be my fault. 🙄

I mean, I couldn’t find a violin small enough to suit how little sympathy is merited here. But, of course, I’m the bad guy for not making him feel better about it. It’s a (non violent!) equivalent to someone expecting you to be sympathetic to them - and make them feel better - because they hurt their hand punching you in the face.

It’s a (non violent!) equivalent to someone expecting you to be sympathetic to them - and make them feel better - because they hurt their hand punching you in the face.

If you said that to him, what would be his response?

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander your right fingers crossed it doesn't come to that.

I mean you said it but it's emotional abuse actually and probably more damaging iMO and experience, bones can heal, it's visible proof of damage, emotional abuse can make the victim seem like they have lost their mind and more complex to unravel. This isn't dismissing or diminishing anyones experience of psychical violence I just found it personally easier to heal from than the mental stuff that stayed with me for fucking years, a lot of our clients say the same (do work for DV charity pro bono it's not my dad to day job so no expert)

Every time he says oh poor me think silently in your head fuck you, it helps. I imagine he will start the attacking soon if the woo is me doesn't yield results. Speaking of, since you know it's likely coming focus on some stuff that's just for you that makes your soul sing. It will help barricade the gates when your DP comes to knock your confidence.

Personally though I would be tempted to agree with him (v nicely saying I'm glad you have come to realise xyz is wrong and you an recongise it) but I'm a aggy little cow bag and I know that would probably start a fight and him swiftly reverting back to your evil so it depends which record will annoy you more.

Another weekend done thank GOD

@SpaceshiptoMars without being to outting you were right, DSD has question mark over her sexuality which I have been sworn to secrecy over. Baffling why she would tell me when we haven't exactly seen eye to eye of late. Probably because she knows I won't say anything. Her sexuality is no one's business bathers and if she wants to stay in the closet, I'm not gonna drag her out of it. Even if she has literally been a mate.

He’d utterly deny it. Make out I’m unreasonable for expecting his youngest child to ever be a priority for him.

In fact, he works on a totally different definition to priority to the rest of the world. The thing he’s chooses to do or put first are apparently not his priorities. All those things he’s leaving til last are what matters to him. 🙄

I don’t even think this is abuse per se. It’s too removed for that. And I’m just not even engaging with any of the self pity stuff.

he’s annoyed that I’m just leaving statements about how he’s selfish and a shit father to stand. Not rushing in to reassure him and convince him otherwise.

but he is selfish. And shit. I don’t care if he feels bad about it. He should. Feeling bad about this stuff is appropriate and should help him to make better choices in future. Only if he is willing to recognise that he feels like a shit father because he’s chosen to go on the piss all weekend in another city (there’s more context that makes this worse). And his son has been unwell. I’ve been just looking after him and being there for him as always because that’s being a parent to a toddler!

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander
All those things he’s leaving til last are what matters to him.

Pathological Demand Avoidance? Or just out and out gaslighting?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
I've hit the confused sexuality issue both in the wider family and closer to home. It gobbles up vast amounts of their attention and focus - and they all have varying degrees of ASD. At least you're dealing with a DSD. Less worries about drastic surgery.....

I guess the thing is, I’m not making excuses for him - to myself and certainly not to him.

i just read the messages and think: yeah. You should have chosen differently.

And I know that next weekend (an SC contact weekend) he’ll be being a dick and making demands on the basis that the toddler must be available as a prop to entertain the SC the half sibling relationship is so important and I’m evil for not making that the centre of my weekend. I don’t live with him. His other children are entirely irrelevant to my weekend. I genuinely don’t care whether his kids are entertained. Moreover, my eldest son is visiting and the toddler very rarely gets to nurture that half sibling relationship. So I don’t care if the SC haven’t seen the toddler for three weeks at that point - I’m not the one who went on a work jolly abroad and changed the SC’s
contact arrangements.

And I don’t care if MN think that makes me an evil SM. I’m soon to be no longer a SM (because: divorce). My H lives with none of his children. It’s really not my problem
that his children who live in different households from each other and him don’t spend much time together. That is how these things go. I’m not apologising for the toddler seeing my middle son (who he lives with) more often. That is life. If H doesn’t like it, maybe he should continue to reflect upon his choices in life and what he prioritises - in the standard sense of the word: determine the order for dealing with (a series of items or tasks) according to their relative importance - and make different choices.

@SpaceshiptoMars ohhh don't, I don't even want to go into surgery debate with DSD. I just said that what you are now may not be what you are in the future and don't make any plans for the future unless you know for definite what the future will look like.

At that point DSD pointed out that she doesn't know what she wants for dinner most days let alone when she's older (separate issue on child treating dinner time like a restaurant menu) but I let it slide as the point she made was one I agreed with. I suspect she's fallen in "love" with a person less their gender and I said it's normal to be very fluid at this age and she seemed reassured by this. I also said it's a time to fuck in a tad so I said don't fuck up in permanent way.

I can't imagine if the surgery route ever cropped up. Your made of stronger stuff than me, I think I would find it hard to be neutral on the topic until the hormones had actually calmed the fuck down. Tbh. I can only imagine the poundering that would occurr you have my deepest sympathies.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander do I even want to ask ? It sounds pretty bad already tbh.

Pathological Demand Avoidance? Or just out and out gaslighting?

The latter. He will not accept that the things he chooses to do first or to put before other considerations ARE his priorities. It doesn’t matter what his reasoning is for the prioritisation; the things that are sorted out first (and everything else afterwards) are priorities.

This weekend, it’s going on the piss. Last weekend, it was a work trip. The weekend before that, it was the SC. Next weekend, it’ll be the SC.

Well it does kind of matter why. But only insofar as he’s adamant that the SC are not most important to them. He puts them first because he feel obligated to, because minimising his child maintenance costs are the important thing, and it’s about ‘saving face’ (presenting the ‘good father’ image to the world). Which makes it more annoying because he’s not prioritising the children.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander do I even want to ask ? It sounds pretty bad already tbh.

it’s all crap.

i guess a brief timeline of the current nonsense:

1. weekend before last. Not an SC contact weekend, switched to one to suit H’s plans the following weekend. Didn’t tell me til Saturday and tried to make out I was being unreasonable in my response to his expectation that I’d reorder my plans to suit his. At no notice.


2. last weekend. He was away on a work jolly abroad all week. Returned late Saturday night. Only reason Sunday wasn’t an SC contact was that they ‘weren’t around’ (their mum took them somewhere) so he saw our toddler for a bit instead. Pretended this wasn’t his second choice.


3. he caught covid at work jolly. Recovering all week - including two days off work. Whinged repeatedly about how ‘he’d suffer for that’.


4. this weekend he buggers off to another city to go on a piss up with a friend. Tells me about this about lunchtime on the Saturday, then expects me to deal with his guilt that he’s not seeing the toddler.


5. toddler is unwell (allergies). So I’ve spent the entire weekend looking after a very grumpy little person. Yet I’m supposed to feel sorry for H for him feeling a bit guilty about not helping in any way.


6. H is staying in the other city tonight, which means his Very Important Job that cannot ever be interrupted by anything to do with me or our child, is suddenly super flexible. The man who cannot possibly do his work without the perfect multi-screen set up can work the morning in a travelodge. He can take a long lunch to drive back and take his friend to the airport.


7. meanwhile, I’ll be taking time off work (and I’m so busy right now) to take the toddler to medical appointments. Has he even acknowledged this? Of course not.

so yeah, like punching someone in the face and expecting them to feel sorry that your hand hurts, and even look after you do it gets better.

Not a step parent but long term boyfriend has a kid, I don't feel fondness at all for him, could never live with him so hats off to you all really.

HI all, Needed to come back to have a rant -

My DD with DH is 12 SD is 18.

took my DD out for the day on a boat with my SIL and her kids- asked SD if she wanted to come she said no she had work, boyfriend, hobby etc ok no worries we went out had a lovely day (albeit very pricy 😬)

tonight She has phoned DH saying we have excluded her and she would have cancelled plans to attend as she REALLY WANTED TO DO THAT 🙄

que DH asking me to be ‘mindful’ of her feeling when I pay and take my DD out - it’s been the same for all of DD’s life!!

just to note DHex wife is remarried and they have several overseas holiday a year, lots of days out so not just a case of only nice things with us!

I told DH I’m sick of not being able to do anything with DD or take her anywhere without SD who is now an actual adult!!!

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander at every bullet point I just thought this guy is having her on. What a absolute bellend please tell me he has a massive penis and or millionaire and or some other massively redeeming quality for you to put up with this bollocks. What a cockwomble.

@HailAdrian thing is I rather like my DSD,it's the conflict of parenting styles or in my case complete lack of looking at objective facts that both parents have wilfully ignored in the past that has created a absolute shit storm that I can't really blame DSD. Does my head in.

@Narwhalelife what I would do is everytime this happens get it in text confirmation like you would do with the work shurker at work, aka sorry DSD you didn't want to come today as you have xyz plans, we would have loved you to come but maybe next time. Then at least you have written text confirming to DP she's chatting waffle. Do it every single time. Also maybe suggest to DH he's welcome to take both of his children out and he can be mindful and you can go to a spa. If he doesn't seem to want to do this I would repeat and say that you want some one on one time with DD and DSD needs to be mindful that actually it's allowed just like she got one on one time with her and her dad. Also fml I would be asking to find out why Dp is treating a adult women like a child ?

Read stepmonster (book on kindle or auiable) it's fucking enlightening. Also just fyi your not being unreasonable and your also not going mad. Just sP can make you feel like you are. But don't worry we are all mad here ;) I have certainly reached that fecking point of embracing a the evil step mum title (because I would get it regardless of what I do) so I might as well do what makes me happy and less of what makes me unhappy.

I'm defo getting a sash for Halloween with it on.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers honestly, I told him all this, I was stunned at the end of the sofa. And he ‘knows’ but wouldn’t hurt to ‘double check’ or be ‘mindful’ - fucking mindful 🤯

just another stream of crap - nothing will ever be good enough for her - should add that she ends the evening with a day out with just her and DH 😒 which apparently my DD could go to, but we both know she wouldn’t want to!!