Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

I think you might need a psychiatrist rather than a psychotherapist. There’s still an engagement issue but a psychiatrist can diagnose things and offer practical advice to the adults despite her.

I think a private child psychiatrist would be a good bet. They train as a doctor first, so can rule out medical reasons. There may be a need for a brain scan or drugs. A psychotherapist isn't trained medically.

Another possibly useful link:
www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/violent-children-helplines

I can't even begin to understand how difficult this is for you and I'm so sorry your going through this. If you do all go to a family session try and stand strong that regardless of what outcome is suggested as best for DSD it has to be in the best and safest interest of ALL children involved in this situation.

I would third the need for a psychiatrist over a psychotherapist.
Generally speaking a psychotherapist treats general mental health whereas a psychiatrist diagnoses & recommends treatments for disorders. It increasingly sounds like you a dealing with a disorder.
So sorry @pitchforksandflamethrowers that you're going through all this.

Oh piss sake 😭 I think she's seen one previously but he was pretty useless bar I think he was the one who gave her the Nt diagnosis (there have been so many various medical people for DSD) it's hard to keep track. We will have to go private.

on plus side DH has been really good form re all this. Helps he has a work colleague who has sensible head on him.

If anyone ever says you knew what you were getting into. I will eat them. No exceptions.

It's frustrating because at the heart of this is a girl who because of me it would have appears keeps falling between the cracks. This should have been dealt with years ago. It's great everyone's on board now but it makes me want to pull my hair out 😵‍💫 teenage years aren't the years to start tackling this shit. Maybe I have been a idiot for putting a lot of stuff down just to NNTness but you know I'm not expert.

Although going to be doing a lot of reading !

Ps is it just me or have vipers spawned on the board again. Like more than usual with lower IQs... the graduation post is just like 😵‍💫

This thread is honestly so helpful. I find bring a stepmom can be very lonely and people rarely understand what it's like.

Thank you everyone who shares their experience & helps others in similar situations.

I asked MN to move that graduation thread. They clearly haven’t.

It’s unacceptable that they allow people to use stepparenting to post to complain about their child having a SM. They should be complaining in lone parents or something like that if they want to do that.

The preferring when the SC aren’t here thread is also a nightmare. MN have even commented but haven’t told the hard of thinking to stop telling SMs they’re just nasty and jealous for objecting to their husbands’ poor behaviour.

—

It might have been a community paediatrician that diagnosed a neurodiversity condition. Or even an OT (they do DCD/dyspraxia assessments after you see a community paed here).

I’d get a private psychiatrist. I had to go private to get an ADHD diagnosis for myself (because the NHS seem to just palm you off with antidepressants as an adult woman). It’ll be worth it. There seems to be more going on than the neurodiversity. It’s common for people to have other conditions alongside ND.

It’s not your fault. You’ve been supporting her to the extent that it’s only in adolescence that the really awful issues are becoming unmanageable. That’s impressive.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I'm gonna sound like a awful step mum here but honestly I couldn't tell you which one was which it was endless circle of people tbh and I just 😵‍💫

I can only imagine what it was like for you and I don't blame you the shit show is burying alive the people who work within it and people are leaving. Not that you can blame them !

Mmm I don't know, I'm kinda kicking myself a bit, got her through to teens years just about yes but not sure what type of adult/human she will be.

Fucking pushing large pile of shit up hill as a ant is what it feels like to be a SM sometimes. How are you doing lovely ?

@Lucky34 hi lucky how you doing ? ❤️

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
Mmm I don't know, I'm kinda kicking myself a bit, got her through to teens years just about yes but not sure what type of adult/human she will be.

The psychologist said to us that people are roughly 50% genetics and 50% upbringing. You're not responsible for the genetics, and only 10%? maybe? of the upbringing. Give yourself a very large kitkat break!

She's a very bright girl in some ways. Hopefully, she'll be able to take in eventually that doing horrid things is a losing strategy. Splitting the family up gains her nothing if she ends up in a secure boarding school. She's looking at what she wants as a giant package, most of which she doesn't actually want if she really thinks about it. Getting her to enumerate exactly which bits of the package she absolutely needs and can't manage without, will be the goal....

And if her needs don't correlate with the rest of the family, then Houston we have a problem.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers, I'm doing ok. It's been a very difficult week as we are having real issues with the ex. It has caused a lot of tension & unnecessary stress in our home, which is so annoying. We shouldn't let her impact us this way, but it's hard not to. Its really affecting me now and I'm not sleeping & very anxious.

Hope your week been better.

@Lucky34 ahhh what's the ex been doing ? (You won't be harassed here trolls find the title boring) if they do I will blast them off the thread.

How's DH handling things ? Are you getting a break from the stress ?

@pitchforksandflamethrowers oh much if the same (withholding DDand refusing to share any information, being uncooperative & just difficult with any reasonable requests with no justification)

My DH deals with it well but is much better at just seeing it for what it is & moving on. I'm more of a thinker & ruminate over everything and find the injustice of it all very frustrating & upsetting as our only aim is to spend time with DSD & know general information about her life). I do tend to get on with my day but I can't say it doesn't impact me. I think I just need to grow a thicker skin (with warts & all & that would complete my evil stepmother transformation). I just find it all very exhausting and don't understand how she still has the energy after 5 long years of this. It's just such destructive and petty behaviour.

@SpaceshiptoMars well from what we all understand is DSD wants mum and dad together ultimately but if not just her and dad alone going back to single child status. She does not wish to share or does not see why she should now.

She said she wants me around (or did) more like a aunty so we can still go horse riding as she likes me. Obviously I think that's the sticking point. She's got it in her head that's how things should be and there's no diverting it. All said very matter of factly.

Ahhh I'm trying but actually all the signs were there just not in the v straight forward way it's been put. I suppose in that regard she seems glad it's in the open, but also seems to think the players should be following the script by now. I can understand her view she's never said I'm upset and people haven't jumped to resolve it. But you can't just vanish people can you. I think she does like me which is putting her aims at conflict but also sees me as a blocker

On plus side she hasn't joked about bumping me off .. just her SF.. which I really hope is just dark humour. Now the horse riding is gone I suspect though it maybe considered.

So Huston we definitely have a problem - it's a childlike thought process with a very able smart adult mind.

As I said she will make a excellent surgeon one day or ceo if she harnesses this. Although whether she does is a entirely other matter.

@Lucky34 you know I'm dressing up as a witch 🧙‍♀️ for Halloween with a sash saying evil stepmonster. I think part of the struggle is to accept the feelings that make you feel evil and talk about them (not on aibu unless you want your arse handed to)

Mostly from what I can see most behaviour like this stems from loss of control with ex's and it probably won't help but your not alone but it can feel v lonely. Can DH not tell you about this stuff or keep it limited while your a bit vulnerable?

Have you gone down the court access ? Although it's costly once a order is in place 7/10 it all simmers down, of course you have the real nuts who continue on but sometimes it set in stone every tiny detail by the courts is enough for people to put there shit apart. 💐 you can do this. Your not thin skinned for being human and sm world is literally the land of no oxygen sometimes.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

It is difficult to understand someone that has no concept of other people as people with feelings and needs. It is as if they are the only person alive and everyone else is either a cardboard cutout or a robot they get to program. Combine that with an unusually strong will, and woahhhhh.

If she is STEM then perhaps set theory is a concept she can follow. Each person a circle with needs. (Feelings might be too foreign a concept right now). Needs need to be met, so the circles need to overlap. How big is the overlap, what goes in it?

A Rudyard Kipling quote is useful:
" I keep six honest serving men (they taught me all I knew); their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who."

There are also more: What is it not, Why is it not, When is it not, How much/often is it/little/infrequently is it not, Where is it not, Who is it not.

Using these to drill down and find specifics may help.

Because she is so different, she may have no idea that reasons which to her are blindingly obvious are remote to others. If there are sensory issues, it might explain the dog - smelly, licky, noisy, yuuuuk - everything ramped up to unbearable. A baby screams, and it might be like someone driving a hatpin through her head. It might not only because she doesn't want to share. There might be other reasons.

Demand avoidance - because someone is already so loaded up inside with internal demands they can't handle the external ones. If her diet is rubbish, then she may have a constant background of gastric pain that lowers her ability to cope - while being completely unaware that it's a thing.

One more thing - for you:
"He who faces no calamity gains no courage". Rudyard Kipling.

First time I have posted on here, feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I have been a step parent for 19 years to daughter who is still living with us aged 26. We also have two others 18 and 14.
I have never been allowed to properly parent the 26 yr old and it’s now causing a problem with the other two children. As far as my husband is concerned the rules are different for the 26 yr old. Comes and goes as she pleases grunts at me rather than talks, doesn’t do anything around the house. The other two hate it that the rules are different for them. My husband makes an excuse that things are different for her as she pays keep. But can’t stand the effects it is having on me and the two youngest. And have suggested time and time again that me and her talk things through but my husband has made it clear he doesn’t want that to happen and says I should get more creative in dealing with her. Last week things got heated, and she disappears for days, thus then panics my husband as when she was younger she went missing after threatening she was going to kill her self. I find her very manipulative. So it’s a never ending circle. She lives in our house has everything done for her , I get to the point that I had enough of rudeness and laziness get angry, words said or atmosphere gets to much. I am not allowed to put in place boundaries or house rules, she disappears. Repeat…. Accept now the youngest are noticing getting resentful of her etc etc does anyone have any advice????

@lcqueen

She lives in our house has everything done for her
Welllllll. It's your house, so you have some say as to what goes on? And I'm assuming you don't have staff? How about a domestic strike?

Washing? What washing?

@lcqueen
My husband makes an excuse that things are different for her as she pays keep.

Keep, I notice. Not a hotel bill. Your labour is not included.

@SpaceshiptoMars your a doll I think I might take this approach and see ! Contacts coming up so I will report back to see if I can reach her

@lcqueen what would happen if you stopped doing things for her aka she leaves her plates on side unwashed put them on her bed ? Dirty clothes are left unwashed. She's not a child anymore she should be finding her independence ? Has she got any friends she can share with ?

Ultimately though you need to be a team with DH and he's not acting as a team mate. Download and read stepmonster (full disclosure it's not a easy read) you will find the book will help you feel a bit more validated in the frustrations you have here. This situation sounds massively shit.

Personally I would be saying she may give keep but I'm not her servant and actually this isn't working for me and foot down regardless of DH squarks . Literally. Because you deserve more than this and your DH can get on board as a teammate or bugger off. I know it's easier said than done saying this but it needs to be done.

We are with you, boundaries doesn't make you a stepmonster!

@lcqueen

Last week things got heated, and she disappears for days, thus then panics my husband as when she was younger she went missing after threatening she was going to kill her self. I find her very manipulative.

OK, buckle up here, it's going to be squeaky bum time. Time to call her bluff. Put your thinking cap on, and consider her personality. Does she have much willpower? Can she cope with pain, long periods of sickness? Is she unusually brave? Is she desperate? I suspect none of these So unless she can lay her hands on some magical, foolproof, painless method of departing this planet, she is most unlikely to deliver on her threat. Your problem is convincing DH of this.

So gather your evidence. What does DSD actually do when the going gets tough? How does she make the stress vanish? Alcohol, boyfriend, social media, gaming or diving into the doughnuts? If you can see a pattern of something like this, you can have the confidence that ma'mzelle is blackmailing you. And breathe.

Thank you for your reply’s I have stopped doing things for her and now it’s got worse, she’s got her nan involved (husbands mum) who has now had a Barney with my husband.

My husband now has now told me that he thinks we should think about ending the relationship (me and him) because everyone is unhappy Amongst other things ( completely putting me down, looks, standard of house how I am in bed etc etc ) am I being completely stupid here!!!!! Wtf is going on it’s obviously all my fault. !!!!!

Oh I’m so sorry @lcqueen

Its so hard when your husband just isn’t on your side - and wants to scapegoat you for everything. That’s far too common in stepfamilies: the ‘easiest’ thing for your husband to do is close ranks with the ‘in’ group (here, that’s him, his daughter and his mother) and ostracise you. His mother is clearly as entangled in the dysfunction around his daughter as he is, and neither of them want to consider that they’ve created this situation by treating her like a super special visitor who must be appeased for pretty much her d tire childhood.

what are your thoughts about what you might do?

@lcqueen her nan ? What on earth has she got to do with it ? What's nan saying ?

But fishcakes is spot on. The very sad truth of it is that sometimes the guilt for splitting up the family these men have means they create a them vs us situation often forgetting that a marriage is what holds the blended family up and the kids sit benth that. Instead they elevate their kids to adult status and partnership level with equal power to a adult. Until he realises he's causing this and also saying I'm stuck in the middle your in for a world of pain.

You would think a family member on his side would point that out. But if they are not meshed in the whole apologising as well they won't, sounds like gran is also complise in this.

Your being gaslighted, you have more worth - than a body to have sex with, and maid to cook and clean. And if you do not work out I can pretty much assure you that your DP won't have a happy life.

I have seen to many people proudly say their parents never got remarried or dated after their parents divorce because the it would upset them to much and often proud their parents died alone. As a daughter I wouldn't be proud of that unless it was my mum or dads choice and nothing to do with me.

Have you got any savings, or exit plan ? Would dp do couples counselling ?

Sending you massive hugs xxxx