Step parent support thread

[Narwhalelife]

I wanted to start a step parent support thread. I have been a step parent for 14 years now. We have had the full gambit (!) so i am pretty experienced I also have a DD with DP.

I am appealing to other step parents to be open about their experiences and share in the highs and lows because it can be a taboo subject (the voice of step parents).

This is not a thread for ex wives to bash new partners or to insinuate that all step parents are evil and hate step children and other nonsense I have seen as a lurker on this site.

It’s for advice, chance to vent and just discuss the curious situation of falling daring to fall in love with someone that had children before you met ❤️

@Narwhalelife egh hideous. You have my sympathies. I would say then in that case at "double check or be mindful" - sorry I can't and won't do that. I have done my best and as my DP your just gonna have to either accept ir or point out exactly what you think I have done wrong.

Next time he says be mindful I would say nope sorry we discussed this and I won't discuss it again.

Sudden deafness. Just because he's telling you to do something, doesn't mean you have to do it. Boundaries when first introduced feels like evilness, shameful and guilt inducing but do get better.

Go do something with Dd and don't justify it just say, not my circus not my monkey. I have enough monkeys of my own, I don't want yours thank you and good night. Then go deaf again.

That's probably crap advice but hopefully someone will be along that knows better but just know your not alone xxx

@Narwhalelife
"No DH, your adult offspring can "be mindful" and use her words at the time, not whine like a child hours after the fact"
Nothing more to say.
I went through a similar patch with DSD. Once I was looking after her while DH was elsewhere for the afternoon, I went to check on her, see if she wanted lunch yet, she said "not yet" so I said "thats fine, I need to sort DS out but just let me know when you are ready". No drama, I just got on with what I was getting on with.
Little while later, DH phones to say his ex has phoned him to say DSD has phoned her crying that she is hungry and Yousee hasn't fed her lunch yet!
FFS. There's me trying not to be too pushy about lunchtime as she's not my child and whether she eats at a certain time or not isn't really my concern, thinking I don't want to upset her by being all "parental" about it (she cries easily, sometimes hours later, takes some fishing to find out WTF is wrong this time) meanwhile it's Chinese fucking whispers as if I've abandoned and/or wilfully starved her!
So that kicked off the era of me texting DH a break down of pretty much every interaction I had with DSD while he wasn't in the room.
Very tiresome. I've not looked after her solo since. It would probably be fine now as she's that bit older but really, I'm happier being the emergency person only.

Can I ask for advice on how you would all handle this situation as I'm not sure I haven't lost perspective

I have 2 DSC. Eldest is nearly 12 and I've been in her life since she was 3. She's always told extreme lies. Not just about me but everyone, her mum, dad, me, siblings, teachers everything. Her mum and DP have spoken about it a lot over the years so it's a known thing that she does it.

As she's got older and hormones have kicked in she doesn't like being told off, having restrictions like you can't be on your phone all night ect and she will punish DP if he tells her off by refusing to see him for a few weeks. The most recent has been a few months and she has said she doesn't like us doesn't want to see us and she's done (her mum supports her, parents don't have a good co parenting at all)

It isn't my situation to handle but we've been waiting to book our wedding and have put it off h til thing are resolved with DsD but it isn't looking that way so do we book and hope if she decides she wants to see us again then hopefully we can add her on but there's the chance we can't. It's a limited place/number and if we can't afford to book her a space and then it go to waste but at the same time it's will be sad if she isn't there

@NightOwl101 thats sounds very hard.

It is your partners job to handle but I appreciate it puts a lot of stress on you still and has an impact on your life.

Life is short. Book your wedding. I would book her a space regardless and let her
know when it will be. Be very matter of fact and say you’d love her to be there but don’t get led down the path of her trying to dictate / emotionally blackmail you or her father. It would be lovely if she is there. If she isn’t, then you’ve tried. She can’t say she wasn’t considered. Enjoy your big day.

I think you should just book the wedding, have a space for her there and see what happens. If she throws a fit at the last minute, then her place will go unused. But you’ll have done what you could.

It sounds difficult. There’s little your DP can do if his ex encourages this punishment by refusing to come thing. I’d suggest that he gets some counselling to help him to reframe it and recognise that he HAS to keep trying to parent and just accept it if she refuses to come. He had children with his ex - so now he just has to deal with the ongoing consequences of her undermining him. That’s shit, but he can’t change that now.

Maybe don’t worry about the space being ‘wasted’.

You’ll be inviting her anyway. And the space is hers as a priority. It’s not a space that could have gone elsewhere anyway.

If she chooses to refuse to attend, there’s nothing you can do. But the space will still be hers no matter what. It’s sad but all you can do is make it clear that she doesn’t get to dictate anything here.

@NightOwl101

Mentally write her off, because the potential for it to be on/off/on/off in the entire lead up to the wedding is huge. Just assume she/Mum is going to milk it for whatever it's worth and then not show, and it'll be easier to handle whatever comes. Otherwise all your happy planning will be entirely dominated (and possibly dictated!) by a manipulative child/ex combination. Oh, and don't spend too much on a bridesmaid's dress for her unless she can use it for a party later ....

Menu, guest list, location, church/specific church/not church, total spend, seating arrangements, colour schemes etc - all potentially up for being negotiated as price for attendance!

Thank you for all the advice. Sometimes you get so caught up in it, it's hard to see the woods from the trees.

I do worry about booking it and it being a tool for her to use against us. We've had the I'll see you for two hours so you can take me to XXX and buy me this and all sorts of bribery.

The problem with booking a space is we want a destination wedding for it will cost us thousands for her place which might just be a risk we have to take.

It's so difficult not to let it impact things and make it much stressful and I'm sure everyone can appreciate there's been so much drama stress and problems before this, it makes me question marrying into it sometimes

The important thing is for your DP to be properly on board, and willing to play chicken with his eldest/ex. He has to take the position that you’re going to book the wedding and it’s going to go ahead in the way you both want regardless what his daughter or his ex says or does. There will be absolutely no pandering or caving to demands or negotiating the details with either of them.

If he wants to marry you, then he needs to stop letting it be in any way about the ongoing drama from his first marriage (or first family). It’s about your relationship.

The position should be: we are getting married in X on Y. We have booked you a place (and a holiday) because we would like you to be there. If you choose not to come, for any reason, it will go ahead without you. We will have spent a lot of money unnecessarily. But you are not in charge and cannot dictate any of it.

For everyone’s sake - including the 12 year old! - the power to disrupt and control family life by throwing tantrums has to be curtailed. It’s really bad for everyone. Children need boundaries and clear expectations. It’s so hard when the other parent is encouraging this stuff (and pretending they’re being ‘child centred’ in doing so).

All your DP can do is have the boundaries, refuse to be manipulated (any time there’s a hint of ‘I won’t see you unless I get/you do’) and get himself some therapy to learn to accept his reality. He can’t change his past choices, his ex’s attitude or the effect it has on their daughter; but he can choose to accept that is how it will be, focus on the huge positives in his life with you, and get on with things.

He may find that, after a period of even bigger temper tantrums/power plays, his daughter stops with this stuff. If it really doesn’t get her anywhere, and life just goes on when she refuses to come, there’s no reason to do it any more. Or he might lose her entirely. but pandering to her will not necessarily prevent him losing her entirely either. It may actually accelerate that process. There is really no scenario where the daughter being enabled to hold the household hostage has a happy ending.

(Btw, I have name changed. I generally feel it’s useful to do so periodically. Especially if posting life details on step parenting!)

Exactly what @TrailOfAbandonedPlanners tbh honest we are going to rough that now the ex has stopped all contact because she doesn't see a problem with DSD13 hurting mine.

My DH has a plan but wanted to reduce contact (and keep DSD away from the little ones until we know what's triggered the behaviour using the carvan for over night stays) because it's essentially rewarding her for bad behaviour for trying split up the family and keep him away from me and the Dc (which she has admitted to) the ex doesn't want the hassle of getting DSD evaluated so stopped contact completely. Since he can't be bothered.

He's got his entire family going you cannot allow DSD to hurt the children period and if mum doesn't want to see it there's nothing you can do.

It's been a long drawn out process tbh but I do think DSD will eventually do something so bad to piss mum off that she will accept it for what it is. Her daughter needs help.

God this feels like before all over again.

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners that's really good advice and a way to look at it, thank you! DP does no he needs to stand firm but it's easier said then done for him and can cause friction but I do need detach from it all because it's just to much trying to live our lives guessing if we do XXX then DSD isn't going to be happy :(

pitchfolksandflamethrowers I've read your posts and I can't begin to understand the stress that your situation has placed upon you and your DH. I take my hat off to you

I do think counselling with the specific aim of helping him to not bargain with this stuff would help him. It’s going to be really, really hard for him. So good support to help him to frame it in ways that allow him to set boundaries and accept that he can’t force his ex not to weaponise their daughter will be invaluable.

What a dreadful situation for him.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I’m so sorry that your SD’s mum has returned to her denial and being difficult default. How awful.

Is your DH getting some counselling to help him with this? Because it sounds like he might need it.

I am so glad that he is on board about the need to protect his younger children here, despite his ex’s position on this.

My hypothesis is that the stepdad might not last the course when SD’s mum is not willing to actually tackle the Abundantly Obvious problems SD has. Living with that full time would be horrific, even without younger children to protect.

My hypothesis is that the stepdad might not last the course when SD’s mum is not willing to actually tackle the Abundantly Obvious problems SD has. Living with that full time would be horrific, even without younger children to protect.

Particularly if DSD begins focusing on the other side of her problem - how to dispatch him, one way or another.... (Got an earworm starting. One way, or another)

Yes. I feel for the stepdad there. It’s got to be a really hard situation. I hope he’s protecting himself sufficiently.

@NightOwl101 please let me posts full you. My hat is completely fucking not on. Both of us are in counselling. DH is a stubborn bugger but he understands. Sadly or rather practically because DSD will see why it's happened to. I hope it's enough of a shock to her system that she sees the light although I won't hold breath don't want to die.

@SpaceshiptoMars can you put more inform on the ear worm ? My brain is fucking shattered and my emotional IQ is pretty much on the floor tbh.

@TrailOfAbandonedPlanners it's his worst fear come to flute and mine. I would never ever ask him to chose between the kids and ironically that's exactly what DSD situation has put us in. Want to test a marriage and your emotional bandwidth have this happen.

I feel guilty and really fucking rage that people will think exactly what they always think of SM. Can you imagine if I posted on the board about this, I would be called evil both sides of the coin. Him for protecting the youngest kids (one not being his) and me for not leaving him and not putting DSD wish's ahead of our marriage. I would be fucking slaughtered. Sad truth of it is, I have fucking bent over backwards to stop this from happening, and it's still fucking happened.

The fact DSD didn't realise that if she did something really really serious, me mum or dad couldn't protect her even if we wanted to, the police would be involved and we wouldn't be able to stop it is frightening.

I worry about what type of human she will be when she's older and if she will ever be happy or have the insight to change before it's to late. Sadly I worry not, which makes it even more sad. This should have been stopped way before and I feel complicit in this. Even though my hands have always been massively tied. I still feel guilt.

Gah. Lack of sleep is messing with head. Also what's with the PA post getting so much dammed heat. People have been fucking vile on it. Ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️

** ffs "let me assure you"

Fucking brain

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

You're probably too young for this, but here you go. Don't hate me!

genius.com/Blondie-one-way-or-another-lyrics

@SpaceshiptoMars 😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂😂this is both funny and probably accurate more than one sense. It appeals to my v dark and dry sense of humour ! First time I have properly smiled in weeks!! Thank you

Haha I'm early 30s so defo not to young to recognise it - that said I feel like I'm ready to be put out in a field and be done with life rn. My friend asked me what it's like to be a step mum, I said it's like your in a horror film and the murder keeps popping up from random places all the time trying to bump you off. So in essence fecking tiring. Never ending game of whack a mole.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers Glad to be of service

The guilt belongs to DM who is refusing to fix the roof while the sky is blue. DSD is still only 13 and she is autistic. However horrifying her actions, remember the emotional immaturity that is part of the package. My lot act fully 10 years younger, sometimes 20.

Do you know about the enneagram? It can help a bit to bring some clarity to people with limited understanding of how others tick. Long job, but might spark a bit of curiosity.

Whatever DM thinks, there are limits to how much you can or should sacrifice yourself and your marriage to others. DM and your DH didn't work, DM and her partner may well crash and burn under the current pressures. You owe it to yourselves and to DSD long term to create a stable effective partnership that can be ready to take action in her adulthood.

@SpaceshiptoMars that's the point thankfully DH has gotten to. Thank fuck.

That said obviously doesn't stop people throwing toys out of pram and stopping contact completely. DH is gonna go pick her up on days he specified to mum after school and return her when he said he would and stay at our other home so keeping kids separate. So the reduced time that mum flat out refused and stopped contact completely.

Now I would personally tell mum before doing this but she's blocked him and I don't want to get involved in what will be a slang match via text as she hasn't blocked me, that said I don't want her to think DSD has wondered off (again). I feel like this plan will go horribly wrong but it will highlight to mum that no you don't get to use the contact as a weapon and we will still have contact time but it will be reduced because x behaviour needs fixing.

I still think fireworks will ensue but honestly I can't be doing the drama I really can't.

Phhh I will have a look at that and pass on to DSD.

I'm not a SM so please forgive me posting here but I just really wanted to say @pitchforksandflamethrowers don't feel guilty. All your posts have so much good sense and compassion for you DSD, you seem to have tried so hard to get her help. It's truly sad that her own DM seems willing to compound her own DC's problems by pretending they'll go away if she ignores them. I'm glad your DH is on side so your DC will be safe and really hope you can finally get some peace, by God you deserve it

@Daleksatemyshed that's a very kind comment thank you. Is step mum guilt a thing ? It's all a bit bonkers, she is a child at the first end the day that any support she has had was hard won, like pushing shut up hill and it's incredibly frustrating that it's happening.

I can keep my children safe but actually if DSD doesn't get the help she needs I really do worry. She's just a kid who needs her mum to see her as she is and get support in place for her. That said I am in the weakest position to get change as I am not her mum.

With DH I see the panic, the worry because he's only doing what's best for all parties involved and got his contact stopped for good measure. God knows I don't want DSD to do something awful in later life and have her future ruined or to whoever she encounters.

Anyway enough of my venting. Fingers crossed it gets sorted but honestly there's no winnners here.

I do wonder without my involvement just how bad it would have gotten or whether it would have gone under the radar. I suspect the latter tbh.

How is everyone else getting on ? We all still sane (relative to the storms)