Step daughter's mum is pregnant at the same time as me

[selck]

I have a 5 year old step daughter, I found out that I'm about 10 weeks pregnant — I'm having a scan next week. My partner wasn't exactly over the moon, as his first child was unplanned also.

His ex has in the last week discovered that she's also pregnant, according to clearblue, about 3-4 weeks along. Despite this, she's made the announcement to her daughter that she will become a big sister.

We share childcare and live a short walk away from eachother, I'm worried about how she would feel with a baby arriving in each house at almost the same time. I haven't told my step daughter about my pregnancy as my partner wasn't keen on having another child that was unplanned. I feel a little jealous of her mum being able to share such big news to her only child, and it being such a lovely, positive experience for her and her family. It's such a bizarre situation to be in, I was hoping for my partner to be ready to plan a family soon, this is not at all what I imagined when I thought of planning a family with him.

Keep the baby! You’re a great step parent and can do this! Trust that your love for this little one will be enough to raise a happy child.

Take some time to think about it before making any decisions. You love this baby already, you will provide such a great life for the baby. It won’t feel the way you do!
Wait until you’ve had your scan, speak to your therapist more and then when you’re ready come to a decision that you want.
Personally I’d remove him from having any impact on my decision making. Think about your future and what you would like.

@selck

I hadn't wanted to be a parent before I met him, I don't see myself staying with him, I don't feel the same about him or the life we have together after this. I can't forsee myself wanting children after this either, but my therapist said not to say never on that front.

OP do you really not want children in the future, or do you not want children in these circumstances? Do you think your therapist is saying "never say never" as they feel your current relationship is not a healthy or happy one? Before all this what was the relationship like, was it happy, were you content, or was this man controlling or domineering in anyway?

I think you should contact your therapist for an emergency appointment, I haven't met any over the years who wouldn't move heaven and earth in these circumstances. Even a phone appointment before your scan could help, so any decisions you make would be made from a position of strength.

I'm so so sorry you are facing this awful choice.
I know it's hard but try to remove him and what he wants and think only about what you want because this is all happening inside your body and that makes it your decision.
Do you want to have and raise a child?
You have some time to think about this. You don't need to make your decision today or tomorrow, you can talk it through with people.

You really need to talk this through with your therapist or contact the centre and see if they some else covering your therapist.

This is an emergency and you will be accommodated.

It is not coincidence that it is now he is giving ultimatums.

You are already vulnerable and you do not have your therapy support. He picked this time y try o turn on you.

Only you and your pregnancy are what counts, nothing else, you definitely need some real life support

@lilmishap

It sounds like you want to be a mum more than anything and you are essentially using him to get that with his daughter.

This relationship is over for you regardless so you may lose her anyway

I'm not sure if you were trying to come across so unkindly but just to flag some of us just like our SC. Baffling I know.

OP using this man ? Are we reading the same thread here.

Also being a SM is nothing like being a parent to your own child because to assume that would be incredibly disrespectful to the child's parents. It's not a step aside now mum I'm here type role...

@lunar1

I'm so sorry he has put you in this position. The relationship is never going to survive an ultimatum like this, so make a decision you are happy with regarding your pregnancy.

This. Ignore him and focus on what’s right for you. 💐

I was in an extremely similar position. Been with DP 3/4 months when I fell pregnant. He didn't want me to continue with the pregnancy as he said it would be damaging to his DC and was absolutely vile in the early months so I left. I decided I'd rather be alone with my baby.

We didn't talk for a while and he started to show more interest/ concern for me and the pregnancy and we talked all options through. It was a rough road but we decided to give our relationship another try. He was very apologetic for his behaviour but I didn't trust his love for my new baby for a long time. Fast forward several years and we are now married and he is a great dad to both his kids. I saw his raw guilt and listened to his reasoning once the initial shock wore off.

Ultimately, I know I wouldn't have made this decision if I had my chance again as I struggled badly with PND which I'm sure wasn't helped by his behaviour and took me a long time to be okay and feel anything close to 'normal' and he knows I feel this way.

Just know that you need to make the right decision for you and your child, he could turn out to be a good dad or not but that in no way reflects your opportunity to be a great mum and give that baby a fantastic life. I feel sick for you, if you ever want to PM me I am happy to chat x

My partner wasn't exactly over the moon, as his first child was unplanned also. He's now admitted that he doesn't think the relationship will continue if I don't have an abortion.

There are things you can do to avoid getting someone pregnant. Maybe he could pick up some educative leaflets at the abortion clinic?

Update

The scan revealed that the Gestational Sac is empty, the pregnancy is not viable and I will start the medication to induce miscarriage tomorrow after work.
It's a mix of relief and sadness, partner is quiet and appears relieved. It's made a very difficult decision a lot easier, as now I won't have to make it. I am currently looking leave my relationship, I don't want to be around him, his daughter or her new sibling. I will start fresh somewhere new. Thank you for all of the advice, maybe one day I'll begin this journey with someone else.

I’m sorry about the fact the pregnancy isn’t viable. And I’m happy this made things easier for you as there is no decision to take as such.

Take care of yourself. Just now, this really is what you need.

I'm sorry on the news but it takes the decision away from you so you can process your next steps. Be kind to yourself x

Sending you a handhold OP 💐💐

I'm so sorry.

Leave him and shake the dust from your feet as you
Leave.

@selck

* Update *

The scan revealed that the Gestational Sac is empty, the pregnancy is not viable and I will start the medication to induce miscarriage tomorrow after work.
It's a mix of relief and sadness, partner is quiet and appears relieved. It's made a very difficult decision a lot easier, as now I won't have to make it. I am currently looking leave my relationship, I don't want to be around him, his daughter or her new sibling. I will start fresh somewhere new. Thank you for all of the advice, maybe one day I'll begin this journey with someone else.

you are the most switched on woman i've come across on this board.

I am sorry about the pregnancy

best of luck to you, I sincerely hope everything works out well for you and you are doing the right thing by leaving him!

@ExplodingElephants please read the thread .

@selck

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this, and with such good sense and grace. I hope it's just the precursor to something very much better for you.

I’m so sorry to hear your update.
I wish you all the best 💐