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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter's mum is pregnant at the same time as me

94 replies

selck · 23/03/2022 20:50

I have a 5 year old step daughter, I found out that I'm about 10 weeks pregnant — I'm having a scan next week. My partner wasn't exactly over the moon, as his first child was unplanned also.

His ex has in the last week discovered that she's also pregnant, according to clearblue, about 3-4 weeks along. Despite this, she's made the announcement to her daughter that she will become a big sister.

We share childcare and live a short walk away from eachother, I'm worried about how she would feel with a baby arriving in each house at almost the same time. I haven't told my step daughter about my pregnancy as my partner wasn't keen on having another child that was unplanned. I feel a little jealous of her mum being able to share such big news to her only child, and it being such a lovely, positive experience for her and her family. It's such a bizarre situation to be in, I was hoping for my partner to be ready to plan a family soon, this is not at all what I imagined when I thought of planning a family with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
selck · 26/03/2022 17:35

Leaving him means leaving my step daughter too, though. I've been in her life since she was two and I've always felt like I love her like my own.
I don't want to be tied to him forever, he's made me feel like I couldn't be a good mother on my own. I am just devastated. I know it was unplanned, but his words carry so much weight with me. I don't know how his ex got through this kind of thing and is able to still speak to him every day.

OP posts:
sweetzy · 26/03/2022 17:36

If you want this baby, have it. If you have a termination you don't want, you won't forgive him and your relationship is finished anyway.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole, I'm so sorry.

babywalker56 · 26/03/2022 17:38

He sounds like such a loser wow

chattycaterpillar · 26/03/2022 17:39

@selck

Leaving him means leaving my step daughter too, though. I've been in her life since she was two and I've always felt like I love her like my own. I don't want to be tied to him forever, he's made me feel like I couldn't be a good mother on my own. I am just devastated. I know it was unplanned, but his words carry so much weight with me. I don't know how his ex got through this kind of thing and is able to still speak to him every day.
Given you are friendly with stepdaughter's mum and she has first hand experience of your partner being abusive to women for becoming pregnant; is there any reason to think she wouldn't let you stay in touch with your stepdaughter ? Especially if you were looking after her half-sibling.
BananaPlants · 26/03/2022 17:40

You could stay in touch with your stepdaughters mum, and still have some involvement with her that way.

DublinFemale · 26/03/2022 17:40

It doesn't mean leaving your SD, your DC and SD are siblings, you and her mum get on there is nothing stopping you from from making sure they have that relationship

TulipsfromAsda · 26/03/2022 17:41

Stay friends with the ex wife, she sounds like a better catch.

You aren't going to be able to have a relationship with this man if you don't have an abortion so I honestly don't think the step daughter can be a consideration.

jytdtysrht · 26/03/2022 17:41

You couldn’t be a good mum on your own? What shit. You’ve had 3 years of experience with DSD
Far more than most people have when their first is born

You could easily stay in touch with dsd mum.

TabithaTittlemouse · 26/03/2022 17:44

It sounds like you and his dd’s mum have a good relationship. Talk to her. She’s been there, done that and got the baby to prove it.
You can’t stay with someone just because you like his dd. He will carry on treating you like shit knowing that you won’t leave him.
What if he does the same in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years and you miss out on ever having a family.

Do not let this ‘man’ decide your future.

DublinFemale · 26/03/2022 17:45

I feel your relationship is over regardless of what you do now.

The words can never be unspoken and they will eat away at you.

Only you can decide do you love this 'man' enough to have an abortion to keep him happy, because if I'm reading your posts correctly it most definitely is not what you want

tkwal · 26/03/2022 17:45

I'm sorry, it looks like your relationship will be over one way or another. Rather than prolonging the agony I would tell him you want the baby and you won't be terminating the pregnancy so if he feels so strongly he should leave now. . He may change his mind given time but he has shown you a rather unattractive side to his personality

Ourlady · 26/03/2022 17:46

Whether you decide to keep your baby or not you need to ditch your twat of a partner. He is not a keeper.

Changingmynameyetagain · 26/03/2022 17:55

I had an abortion because an ex bullied me in to it, we lasted exactly 2 weeks after that before I came to my senses and made him move out.
He even got his friends to message me about booking the appointment, give yourself time to think about what you want to do.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 26/03/2022 17:56

Bottom line is

  • you have a termination. You’ll regret it and you will ressent him. I also don’t think you will forget comments doubting your ability as a mother. Medium term, thé relationship will not survive.
  • you don’t have a termination. You’ll be able to look at yourself in the mortar but he won’t stay. Again the relationship won’t survive.

I think you need to concentrate on yourself and the baby.

DoobryWhatsit · 26/03/2022 18:00

He let you get to 10 weeks before dropping this ultimatum on you? What an awful, awful man.

Ditch the man, then decide what you actually want to do. Don't feel like you have to keep the baby because "otherwise there wouldn't have been any point in leaving him". But definitely don't get rid of it just because he bullied you into it.

I know you're sad about your step daughter, but that's not a reason to stay- he will very quickly see that as a way to control you, and you will never actually know whether or not he might snatch her away from under your nose at any minute. Easier and kinder for both you and her if you split now while she's young. Even better if you're able to remain on good terms with her mum.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 26/03/2022 18:01

There's no coming back from what he has said.
You can't be with him now anyway.
Knowing what a heartless bully he is.
Something very crucial to a healthy relationship is lost forever now.

So, keep the pregnancy, continue to love the baby. Stay friends with the ex wife and still be a part of your stepdaughter's life.

WonderfulYou · 26/03/2022 18:05

He doesn’t want anymore children.
Don’t believe him if he says you can have one in the future.

You now need to decide what’s more important - him or having a child.
Unfortunately you can’t have both.

Original poster
selck · 26/03/2022 18:06

Thank you, everyone. It's clear that he's used some really underhand tactics to get what he wants. I don't know if I will keep the child, I will go to my scan on Wednesday and see what happens from there. I will start to look for ways out of this relationship, typically, my therapist is on holiday next week. But she might be able to help me with a get out plan and safeguarding stuff. I've not felt heard or seen much recently, your words have meant a great deal to me.

OP posts:
confuseddotcom1234 · 26/03/2022 18:12

Just wanted to send love and hugs such an awful thing for him to do when you clearly want to keep the baby. Don't let him push you around do what's right for you and not him. Walking away may seem hard now but as others have said that is probably going to be the reality either way. You can do this on your own if it's what's right for you.

WonderfulYou · 26/03/2022 18:21

I personally would have an abortion and end the relationship.

You can then find someone who wants to have children.

HellToTheNope · 26/03/2022 18:25

@WonderfulYou

I personally would have an abortion and end the relationship.

You can then find someone who wants to have children.

Exactly. Fresh start, and not bringing a baby into the world with an absent, shit father.
HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 18:26

I'm afraid I would have a termination as well. I would definitely dump this man. Why not stay friends with his ex and with his daughter? They seem a million times better people than he is.

Grumpyscot92 · 26/03/2022 18:30

He'll never want a baby with you.
In my opinion, if you want kids and you're financially able, keep the baby.
You can still have a relationship with step daughter as she will be your baby's sibling.
This is rubbish, and not at all how expecting your first baby should be, but good luck and this might be the start of the most exciting adventure for you and this fetus

Peppapigforlife · 26/03/2022 18:34

Just to let you know OP, my ex did the same to me, and after the abortion the pain and heartache and awfulness I felt, meant that the relationship couldn't continue because I could no way carry on with those huge feelings knowing he had caused them and made me do that to my cherished and longed for child. İt will be a million times worse for you seeing your SD 's sibling be born and hearing her excitement about it all and knowing that would have been you as well. These things happen for a reason, maybe the reason is to show you what you would miss if you let him have his way. He will sort his feelings out one way or another and it sounds you have the emotional support of your child's sibling's family anyway. I promise you a child that you desire is a million times better than any relationship!

RobertsRadio · 26/03/2022 18:36

I would also have a termination too, mainly because the relationship is over and I would not want to be tied to this man in anyway or give him any chance of having any control over me through a DC. Leave him and give yourself a chance of meeting someone who does want a DC, or alternatively have a child via sperm donor if you want to go it alone.