Step daughter's mum is pregnant at the same time as me

[selck]

I have a 5 year old step daughter, I found out that I'm about 10 weeks pregnant — I'm having a scan next week. My partner wasn't exactly over the moon, as his first child was unplanned also.

His ex has in the last week discovered that she's also pregnant, according to clearblue, about 3-4 weeks along. Despite this, she's made the announcement to her daughter that she will become a big sister.

We share childcare and live a short walk away from eachother, I'm worried about how she would feel with a baby arriving in each house at almost the same time. I haven't told my step daughter about my pregnancy as my partner wasn't keen on having another child that was unplanned. I feel a little jealous of her mum being able to share such big news to her only child, and it being such a lovely, positive experience for her and her family. It's such a bizarre situation to be in, I was hoping for my partner to be ready to plan a family soon, this is not at all what I imagined when I thought of planning a family with him.

You don’t stay with a coercive bully because of their other children , absolutely no reason why you can’t remain friends with her mother .

I'm leaning towards going through with a termination, I don't want this experience to hamper my relationship with my child and my ability to be the best mother to them. I'm trying to discount his behaviour and his opinion in my decision, but ultimately, I think I'll always blame him for putting me through this. Thank you for your help, everyone. I don't know if I'll ever want to go through this again, but this certainly isn't the life I'd want for my baby, and maybe one day I'll find a life I will want to provide for a child.

Could you stay with him knowing he'd forced you to have an abortion?

Does he think you'll have the abortion and carry on loving him?

@selck the sadness is pouring out if your last post.

Please wait before talking to your therapist to have the termination.
I’d even say, if you can, go away for a few days so you can take a final decision Wo being influenced by him.

You are not and will not be a bad mother if you decide to have that baby.

((Hug))

If you stay with this man you will see his child and in turn the new baby who will be in close age to the one you conceived. If you can live with that then you may be ok. I would never be able to forgive his behaviour so the relationship would be done with or without an abortion

I don't think this experience will impact on your relationship with the child if you continue with the pregnancy. But I do understand PP points about not being tied for life to this man or subjecting another child to have him as a father.

Also the cynic in me feels like it's more than a coincidence that this has happened when you don't have access to your therapist

How old are you both?

This is your body your decision. Your relationship is now over, regardless of what you do. He has proved to be a selfish coward who will not respect and support you and step up to his responsibility.

So make this life changing decision alone. If this baby is something you want and can make work then absolutely go for it. It isn't easy going it alone but it's amazing! Being a single mom for a long time myself I absolutely cherished that time with my child.

But if you feel you can't continue then consider your options- but only do this for you. You are the one who has to live with this decision for the rest of your life.

I had an abortion. My ex partner pushed for it, did not turn up to the hospital and was not supportive after. I chose to have that abortion because my circumstances at home were just impossible- if I could of done it alone I would of. (My mom had a brain tumour and was looking after my daughter whilst I worked from 5am-7pm)

I know the decision had to happen but it devastated me, it's something I will never get over.

Make sure this decision is one that you made and one that you can live your life with. X

I'm pro choice (before anyone jumps on me)

But he sounds abusive tbh. He has no idea what type of mother you will be. It didn't sound like you wanted a abortion and it feels like he's tied your hands in nots and told you it's the baby or him.

Problem is - what else will you have to do under the guise of do this or I walk ? Will you be happy always coming last to what he wants.

The bigger question is what do you want and what can you live with ? Remember he won't always love you. A babies love is unconditional.

You can, if you chose to do this on your own and live a v happy life. Your life with him won't be happy. Promise

Have look at freedom program - it's known most abusers start ramping up in pregnancy.

Thinking of you xx

Either way I think this relationship is dead. If you have an abortion you don't want could you ever forgive him? Likewise if you don't then he's told you where he stands.

Please, please think long and hard before having an abortion you do not want to please a man. Having been there and done that, for me personally our relationship was wrecked from that moment on anyway. I resented him for it. May not be the same for you but it needs to be thought about.

One thing to bear in mind is that given you have such a good relationship with his ex she may well be happy to continue to facilitate a relationship between you and your DSD, particularly if you have the baby as they will be half siblings.

You could ditch the man and make a go of it.

This is so sad :( I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Personally in your shoes I would keep my baby and leave him. If I wanted to have a baby then I would carve out a life for us and he could slit in if he wanted to or not (but not as a couple)….I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that…what a shit!

My children are the best thing about my life…I get so much joy from them and can imagine even though he is causing you so much hurt…it doesn’t mean that you won’t find joy in your relationship with your child and being a Mum. I don’t think I’m articulating myself very well but I would have a huge think about what YOU WANT. Not what he wants or how you feel about him…but how you feel about having the baby and the life that you might have. Make sure you have a chance for proper counselling and discussing with your therapist or someone who’s opinion you really value.

I’m sorry 😞 this is happening to you. It really is pretty shit x

Don't terminate. He's basically blackmailed and cornered you into ending the pregnancy- can you forgive and move on with such a man ? Can you continue your relationship like it was before ? Deep down do you think he's done the decent thing here ?

Personally I wouldn't terminate... you could be a great mother and he knows this. He's happy for you to parent his daughter but on the same hand he says you wouldn't be a good single mum - doesn't add up. You could do this alone. Have the baby. I know 2 women who had a termination because partners didn't want the baby and it broke them. Don't let him dictate.

Either way, you can't stay with such a heartless man.

I wouldn't terminate to keep the relationship. I think he's killed the relationship with his behaviour, you should leave him and consider whether you want to have the baby on your own!

Sorry this is happening OP.

I’m so sorry for you reading your update. Please don’t make any decisions yet.
Personally I don’t think you two will get past this since it feels like he’s forcing you to do what he wants.

As a pp suggested, you have a good relationship with the ex. If you decide to keep your baby then your child and your step child will be siblings so you could try arrange contact with them and meet up regularly.

She’s pregnant the same time as you, I think if you decide to terminate and stay with this man then you’ll feel hurt when her you see her baby.

Wait until you go for your scan. You might feel a wave of love for this baby.
Put yourself first, you would never make him make a decision like this.
He is seeing your pain and is still making you feel worthless.
Speak to your therapist when you can, make a plan for your life that maybe doesn’t concern him. You can be a brilliant mother without him!
He’s just trying to scare you to staying with him!

Also- he’s happy for you to be a step mum.
Happy for you to help raise his child, so is his ex. Doesn’t add up with him saying you wouldn’t be a good mother! Please ignore his comments!

I already do love the child, that's why I'm considering termination. I don't want them to feel the way that I do.

@selck

I already do love the child, that's why I'm considering termination. I don't want them to feel the way that I do.

They wouldn't feel the way you do OP, don't use this as a reason. They would be a normal, happy child with a lone parent. Just focus on whether YOU would be happy.

Oh goodness, you poor thing. What a horrible position to be in.

Both terminating or not are equally valid choices and you would be well within your rights to make either one.

Don't base the choice on him - he's proven himself unworthy of that consideration. Base it on you and your child (now or any pregnancy you may have in the future). You would be able to provide this baby with everything it needs to grow up happy and healthy but would you prefer to do so in another environment? How would you feel if you ended this pregnancy? Would you be more sad at the end of the relationship and the subsequent future you had planned or would the sadness be for this particular pregnancy? How attached do you feel to the pregnancy already? Would it be too hard or would you feel that you were making the best choice in diffucult circumstances?

You do have some time, so make sure to take it to make the choice that's best for you. X

You cannot stay with a man so you can be in his childs life, it's not a good enough reason.
However much you love your step daughter that isn't a good enough reason to terminate a pregnancy you seem to want.

It sounds like you want to be a mum more than anything and you are essentially using him to get that with his daughter.

This relationship is over for you regardless so you may lose her anyway

Your relationship with him is over OP not matter what.

I think you need to speak to someone to get your feelings and thoughts in order because it is clear you want this child

Oh no - this sounds so tough to be going through

I couldn't suggest someone terminates or not -
That is a totally personal issue

But I feel comfortable saying you have a man issue even more than a pregnancy issue -
He is being honest about his views
His views are no where near in the same page as your views -
He is as responsible for the pregnancy as you
He isn’t giving you control- he is taking control by ultimatums
I can’t see how you can have a functional relationship going forward
You could however have a functional relationship with your step D and her mum going forward ??

I hadn't wanted to be a parent before I met him, I don't see myself staying with him, I don't feel the same about him or the life we have together after this. I can't forsee myself wanting children after this either, but my therapist said not to say never on that front.