Step daughter's mum is pregnant at the same time as me

[selck]

I have a 5 year old step daughter, I found out that I'm about 10 weeks pregnant — I'm having a scan next week. My partner wasn't exactly over the moon, as his first child was unplanned also.

His ex has in the last week discovered that she's also pregnant, according to clearblue, about 3-4 weeks along. Despite this, she's made the announcement to her daughter that she will become a big sister.

We share childcare and live a short walk away from eachother, I'm worried about how she would feel with a baby arriving in each house at almost the same time. I haven't told my step daughter about my pregnancy as my partner wasn't keen on having another child that was unplanned. I feel a little jealous of her mum being able to share such big news to her only child, and it being such a lovely, positive experience for her and her family. It's such a bizarre situation to be in, I was hoping for my partner to be ready to plan a family soon, this is not at all what I imagined when I thought of planning a family with him.

Congratulations.

He maybe should have considered taking precautions himself as he's been 'caught out' before.

Tell him to get over himself and support you or F off is my advice.

Not sure about your DSD, might be hard might be great.... someone with more knowledge will be along soon I'm sure

You haven't planned a family with him though from the sound of it?
Although he is equally responsible i think you need to be sure your happy to parent alone..
How long have you been together? Whats your financial position you need to get practical...not wishing not someone else's life...telling his DD is the least of your things to sort out....

"His ex has in the last week discovered that she's also pregnant, according to clearblue, about 3-4 weeks along."

that is very specific, she told you what brand of test she took?

Anyway, it is what it is. You'll all cope just fine i'm sure. As for your partner maybe he needs a pamphlet, after two surprise pregnancies he seems confused about how this happens

We have been together 3.5 years and live together, we were thinking of planning a pregnancy in the next year or two. I had been on the pill for about 2 or 3 weeks whilst waiting for my new coil to be fitted when we must have conceived.

His ex had stopped her birth control without telling him, so he's pretty upset about how the first child came to be. But he's a devoted father and adores his daughter.

His ex and I are friendly, we were out to coffee when she told me as she didn't want her daughter to spill the beans first.

Financially, I'm in a good place. I have supportive family and would always have a roof over my head if him and I decided to call it quits. He is scared, but I've got no doubt in my mind that even if we end up separated, he would treat me with the kindness and respect that he does his ex. They have a very good relationship and do everything they can to ensure their child is happy.

From your recent post you sound so sensible and switched on.
It’s a shock for him so just give him time to adjust, he might feel differently after the scan.
It could be a part of reminding him of how his first child was conceived- seems a little sneaky of his ex.
It’s actually great to hear that you and the ex get on well and can share that information.
Once he’s adjusted, maybe tell the ex and you can work with your partner to think about how to tell your step daughter. It would be good for her to get prepared for the changes coming.
I reckon she will be excited, just the actual welcoming of the baby home might be a little overwhelming but it’s something you can work towards.

Congratulations!
It can be a tricky stage, but once people have had time to adjust, things will probably feel better and you’ll be able to start enjoying your pregnancy.
Sounds like you have much to be thankful for in terms of existing dynamics!!!

Hang on in there!

Thank you for the replies. I told the ex about mine as soon as she told me about her pregnancy, I've known since early March. She's pleased for me and had been through the same reaction when she told my partner about their child. It's nice to know she understands, but I do really feel sorry for him as I can see how powerless he is feeling again. I know the reason they didn't work out is because she had chosen to exclude him from family planning.

My scan next week is with BPAS, so I'm not sure how it will differ from a normal 12 week scan. This has really wrecked how I imagined my first pregnancy, if I'm honest, I know that a termination isn't something that I want. So it feels so wrong having a scan at an abortion clinic

Well it might actually be on time, unlike many NHS scans!!!
Hand hold for next week.

Update:
He's now admitted that he doesn't think the relationship will continue if I don't have an abortion. I don't feel like I've got a choice now. He's been pretty determined to make me feel like the termination is the only option and it's starting to wear me down. Words cannot describe how disappointed I am in him and myself. The sky feels like it's falling in today.

Enjoy the pregnancy.

Your dsd will likely be fine. Usually 5yo girls adore babies.

He sounds a bit of an immature halfwit though.

Time to bin him. You wouldn’t continue the relationship if he forced you to have an abortion anyway.

Well isn’t he a delight , if you do have a termination do you see the relationship continuing successfully - likely not as you will probably blame him forever . Therefore your choice is do you want to be single with a baby or without one and that decision is yours to make , not his . Good luck 💐

Don’t have an abortion if you want to continue the pregnancy. If you have one just because he wants you too then your relationship will be over anyway.

@selck, this man sounds like an abusive bully. How dare he try and force you into an abortion ? It sounds to me like you'd be much better off binning him and keeping your baby

The relationship is over now he's said that. You'll be a lovely mum judging by how caring you are towards your step daughter, which her mum is obviously grateful for given you're friendly! Keep the baby. Ditch the arsehole.

I'm so sorry he has put you in this position. The relationship is never going to survive an ultimatum like this, so make a decision you are happy with regarding your pregnancy.

Well your relationship is over either way. You can’t possibly stay with a man who coerces you into a termination.

So you need to decide whether you want to be a single mum or not.

If that's how he feels then the relationship won't survive anyway, so if you want to keep your baby then do. An abortion at 10+ weeks is a traumatic enough experience even for people that are sure they're doing the right thing. It could be devastating for you.

His mask has finally slipped. You need to get away from him. I'd be thinking very long and hard if I want to be tied to this douchebag forever because of a baby he doesn't even want.

Your DP has had two unplanned pregnancies with two different women?

If you want the baby, keep the baby and ditch the man

Get rid of him. He sounds horrible trying to force you to have an abortion. If you want the baby then please keep it.

Keep the baby. Leave him.

Aw you poor thing you are really being punished for this.

Handholding and hugs x

@selck

Update: He's now admitted that he doesn't think the relationship will continue if I don't have an abortion. I don't feel like I've got a choice now. He's been pretty determined to make me feel like the termination is the only option and it's starting to wear me down. Words cannot describe how disappointed I am in him and myself. The sky feels like it's falling in today.

You always have a choice.

He sounds pretty rubbish. What if you have an abortion and then split up anyway?

He can’t keep blaming women for becoming pregnant.