DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

@Namechangeof2021

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

Change her upstairs in bedroom, she should be out of nappies by 3

When will you be toilet training your dd?

she should be out of nappies by 3. Well presumably if she was ready she would be.

I'm with you op. It isn't normal behaviour.
All the naive posters who think he's just curious ffs. Once maybe. Not deliberately every fucking time.

You don't need landlord to put a simple hook lock on, or like others have said a cheap door wedge would work fine.

If he does come over whilst you're changing her, cover her up immediately and ask him directly why he needs to look at her genitals and tell him to go away.

Are the other step children all male by any chance?

Jeepers it's not hard to just say "Tom, you need to step away please. DD needs privacy, there's no need for you to stand there watching"

That's literally all.

All this nonsense about sitting with your back to the door! It's a kid! Why be so precious about offending him? He's being inappropriate and needs correcting.

His behaviour is inappropriate and the adults in his life, including his dad, should be teaching him this.
To be honest the stuff you've mentioned makes me as concerned for him as your dd. Young men who grow up exposed to unhealthy sexual images and attitudes cause and suffer all kinds of problems in relationships

You don’t need a lock, or to sit with your back to the door. You need to tell him firmly and clearly that this isn’t acceptable behaviour and your DH needs to step up and do some actual parenting of his son.

I don’t know what your relationship with his mother is like but could you speak to her about it and ask her if he’s doing the same at home.
Does he have a SP on mum’s side also? Could anything at all have happened there?

My DS is also quite immature and has used the term sexy out of context/not really understood it’s meaning so I wouldn’t think too much into that but the staring is troubling. 10 becomes 12/13 very quickly & then you have a safeguarding issue.

Firstly, I don’t think he’s doing anything “wrong” but I do think it needs addressing. It sounds like he needs to learn about privacy and boundaries. I’d probably dress it up as being something DD needs to learn: “DD is getting bigger and needs to learn that certain parts of her body are private. As her big brother you can help her learn by making sure you always walk away and don’t look when she’s having her nappy changed/ stay out of the room.”

@Namechangeof2021

I'm definitely going to have a chat with him tomorrow.. Thank you x

Good luck xx

Op please don’t acknowledge the toilet training comments.
They’re all excited for your defensive response. Don’t give it.

I don’t think it’s necessarily nefarious, but it’s not unreasonable for you to hold a boundary over. Like someone said, it’s not polite to deliberately and overtly observe other peoples naked bodies without their express consent, and children cannot consent. It’s nuanced, but in general staring at bodies and being in people’s personal space is impolite and it won’t hurt to resolve that with him.

I’d lightheartedly excuse us to the bedroom, close the door and if he comes in, explain that for DD, this the equivalent of going to the bathroom and that it’s not for spectating. If that does come in, I’d screw a small bolt into the bedroom door, landlord be damned. It’s not going to malfunction and will cost only a few quid to install (and restore if it’s a problem). It’s likely a fairly short term issue. Before long DSS is going to be welded to a screen in his room for the duration, and DD will be using the bathroom.

YANBU Like you I have had childhood experiences and I watch everything and everybody like a hawk.

My eight year old dd openly stares at people including at swimming pool changing areas and I'm finding it really hard to get her to stop.

Tbh though I wouldn't think too much of the use of the sexy word on its own. Unfortunately I think it'd be virtually impossible to be 9/10 in today's world and not be familiar with the word 'sexy'. It sounds like he could have seen of pictures of attractive girls posing and heard the word used to describe them and was trying it out himself . Hopefully he sees it as an alternative to the word cute or something.

This is weird and concerning to me.

If he were a bit younger, possibly just curiosity, but he also has a sister, so he shouldn't be all that curious tbh.

But, he is open about it... Which, is odd.

The "sexy" comment on its own could be brushed off, there are some people, even parents, who have referred to their children in this way and they clearly don't think they are actually sexy, it's a very weird and inappropriate usage of the word but it does happen unfortunately. I had to tell my grandma off (DD great grandma) for using "sexy shoulders" when my DD had a top that had fallen sideways to reveal one shoulder, like a bardot-styls top or slouchy fit on the shoulders. Obviously not meant in any nefarious way, just not ok.

But... I do find it disturbing he used that adjective and does show such an interest in looking.

I don't really know what to say, OP.

I think you should ask him directly tbh. And then make a point, as others have said, of telling everyone to go away during changing if they come in and see if he shows reluctance. I think his dad needs to have a serious talk about privacy. I would want to speak to his mother to see if she has noticed anything regarding him and his sister... But only you know if that will lead to her accusing you of all sorts and making drama,

Maybe dad could day he has noticed it and raise it with his ex, so it's not coming from "the stepmother" iyswim.

Its strange and inappropriate behaviour. A boy of his age should have no interest in this.

Giving benefit of the doubt though that its curiosity and that theres nothing sinister to it, you need to educate him on this quick. Last thing you want is him going into secondary school and watching boys in the toilets and him coming home with a black eye.

This should of been nipped in the bud a while ago to be honest.

@Namechangeof2021

I'm definitely going to have a chat with him tomorrow.. Thank you x

I think this is best, good luck

When will you be toilet training your dd?

Irrelevant to the thread, really, isn't it?

Mine wasn't out of nappies until about 3.5. we tried earlier but she just kept wetting herself all the time and waking up with a wet bed. Not the usual amount you'd expect for a child just adjusting and learning, there was no progress at all and it was distressing for her. She wasn't ready.

It's nobody's place to be questioning her on why she isn't toilet trained, and it's bizarre that that's what some are choosing to focus on. They just want to put you down OP and tell you you're "doing it wrong". Don't even bother yourself with it.

My mum used to ask us to give a bit of space round my younger siblings when they were being changed (unless one of us older ones was the one doing the changing obv) not because she suspected any of us of anything but because it's never to soon to accord a child a bit of privacy and start respecting their personhood. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask him to back off.

Creepy behaviour at that age. Change her in the bedroom and tell him not to come in while you are changing her. Tell him that you'll let him know when you've finished changing her and that she needs privacy. Children can and have been abused by siblings of around that age so please keep an eye on your daughter whenever he is around. Keep her safe

I'll absolutely ask DSS to do come into the same room where she's being changed.

@Namechangeof2021

I'm definitely going to have a chat with him tomorrow.. Thank you x

A chat implies he has equal standing. He does not. There is no conversation or debate to be had. Again, stop being so bloody passive and enforce proper boundaries.

I am sure your step son would understand it, if you told him that everyone wants to be private when going to the toilet, nappies included. He should be able to grasp this fact at his age.

@Hollyhobbi

When will you be toilet training your dd?

Irrelevant. The answer to a teen boy’s inappropriate/uncomfortable behaviour isn’t to ensure he doesn’t have the opportunity.

I don’t get why the fuss about ‘dad is supposed to ensure he doesn’t come in.’ My son is 11 and if he was behaving like this it wouldn’t be creeping around trying to make sure we get privacy from him. I would just say ‘go out of the room, I’m changing Amelia and you don’t need to be staring at her.’ Why do you just sit there feeling uncomfortable? Tell him to go out.