DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

[Namechangeof2021]

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

This does seem quite... creepy?

Does he take an interest in dd in general, wanting to help her with her dinner, playing etc?

Did you tell him at some point, he could change dd's nappy, when he was older, and he's hovering waiting to give it a go, but too afraid to ask? I first changed a baby when I was about 13, and was really excited to learn how, it made me feel quite grown up (plus I adored my baby cousin). I used to want to help with dsis, but I was only a few years older, so wasn't allowed. .

Oh gosh op if he's said 'she's sexy' that's massively worrying.

Plenty of people on here see you are genuinely not accusing dss of anything.

You are sharing your concern which most omit not everyone so far finds not the norm.

I'm going to approach it from the angle suggested as in "nobody watches you when you are on the toilet or wiping your bum so please allow DD the same privacy, everybody is entitled to go to the toilet or be changed in private"

Ffs the child is 10 11 at the most not a teen if he has a younger sister at home does he help with her nappy changes maybe he wanted to help, or at any point you can talk to the child and say I am just finishing dd nappy and will be out in a minute can she get some privacy as she is getting a little older now, you do seem a bit ott

What about a hook and eye catch on the inside? Swings shut, can't get stuck inside etc

Hmmm, well I think your dds well-being trumps the landlords whinging.
It needn’t be a strong lock, just a little one for privacy.

I don’t at all like the sound of this. So often our gut feeling is correct.
He may need help or intervention himself. Don’t ignore that. I’m afraid it’s probably more common than you think.

@Ellie5341

Oh gosh op if he's said 'she's sexy' that's massively worrying.

Plenty of people on here see you are genuinely not accusing dss of anything.

You are sharing your concern which most omit not everyone so far finds not the norm.

It does feel that way when I piece the two things together yes, but that comment on its own I (maybe shouldn't have) brushed off as being totally innocent as I wasn't sure he even knew what it meant.

It makes me think twice though, but it's too late to revisit that or ask if he knows what it means now as he's probably heard all sorts and worse at school

Him saying 'She's sexy' is very worrying. It's not beyond all possibility for 10 and 11 year olds to be watching porn these days. I wouldn't trust him if he's already displaying concerning behaviours.

Whatever his motive he should be taught that dignity and privacy are for everyone and people watching you /looking is not ok even if you are very young so don't realise yourself.
Is talk to him about how he can be part of teaching her what to expect from others. That politely looking away /not being there is part of giving her dignity and respect and she needs to be taught that is the way she should be treated and he can help with that.
Does he love his sister, if you framed it as him being part of her growing up to have healthy relationships and bodily autonomy (discuss this in an age appropriate way) would he want to support her do you think?

Stop being so passive. You're the mother and you make the rules. Tell him firmly to leave the room when changing the baby, and don't mince words.

@Bubblesandsqueak1

Ffs the child is 10 11 at the most not a teen if he has a younger sister at home does he help with her nappy changes maybe he wanted to help, or at any point you can talk to the child and say I am just finishing dd nappy and will be out in a minute can she get some privacy as she is getting a little older now, you do seem a bit ott

He doesn't help with nappy changes at his mum's no.

I respect your opinion, I don't expect everybody to see my POV. I have acknowledged in my opening post that I might well be projecting due to my own issues.

I'm not actually accusing him of anything.

I knew the word sexy at that age and i knew what it meant

not impossible that he doesnt though-but the two together arent great

I'd have told him firmly and directly the second or third time he did this to quit watching her get changed.

A 10 year old knows what the word sexy means!

Firstly can we leave the lock thing that's just hassle with the landlord , just sit with your back against the door. Once he's told strongly to stay out he should be doing so anyway , no need for a lock

A stern word is needed ASAP and I like the call him out idea , ask him why he keeps looking ? See what he has to say for himself

I think you sound great and very sensible , if anything I think you are under reacting , especially since your update with the sexy comment. Very creepy

Might be nothing but you cannot take the chance

You need to have strong words with him and make definite boundaries , he stays away unless she is fully dressed. And then so , no more inappropriate language

I work in a nursery and a PP is correct , all children even tiny babies must be changed in privacy and with dignity and respect.

His she's sexy comment is worrying because whether he meant it literally about your dd or was parroting something he's heard but doesn't understand he shouldn't really have the phrase in his lexicon at that age.
Your dh should be modeling respect adult male behaviour and expecting him to give dignity and privacy. A little curiosity is one thing but the repeated nature of this is too much.
Do you think both his homes have good control over what he is exposed to?

Why so much pussy footing around, just tell him to stop doing it, it's not acceptable behaviour to stare at his baby sister's naked genitals.

I respect your opinion, I don't expect everybody to see my POV. I have acknowledged in my opening post that I might well be projecting due to my own issues.

I'm not actually accusing him of anything.

Stop apologising and stop justifying how you feel. Your #1 job is to protect your baby, and your instincts are telling you something isn't quite right. Never ignore your gut feelings, and don't pander to anyone. Just because you've had abuse in your past doesn't mean you're being unreasonable.

Put a bolt on the inside of your bedroom door. Takes minutes and you can't be locked out.

You also need to tell him that he needs to give her privacy.

If he has a sister the same age at mum’s it’s even weirder. Presumably he has seen his sister changed? Hard to chalk it up to natural curiosity in that case.

@whynotwhatknot

I knew the word sexy at that age and i knew what it meant

not impossible that he doesnt though-but the two together arent great

I agree it doesn't seem good when the two things are looked at together. He was 9 when he made that comment, I didn't have any of these concerns at the time. I only started noticing the watching afterwards..

My gut feeling about the comment when he said it was that he was referring to the way she was laid, rather than her being sexy iykwim? Maybe I shouldn't have discounted it so easily.

If I had noticed the nappy changes thing before that comment I would have taken it alot more seriously.

It's possible that comment was a catalyst to me being more cautious on a subconscious level and so I started to notice things I may have inadvertently overlooked before because I didn't have any worries.

It’s not ‘accusing’ him to note his inappropriate behaviour, want to stop it, and want to make sure he hasn’t been subjected to inappropriate behaviour himself.
It’s being responsible and caring.

I'm definitely going to have a chat with him tomorrow.. Thank you x

It's really simple.

Change her in the bedroom with the door shut.

If DSS opens it, say 'sorry - I'm just changing her - we'll be out in a minute' and if necessary, go and close the door on him.

No. It's not ok. Not least because you don't feel ok with it. Insist on the privacy. It doesn't need a big chat. It just needs you shutting the door.

And absolutely never change the baby on the sofa with others around. I would never do that. It's kind of humiliating for everyone. Go and do it in private.

OP please don’t leave him alone with your DD at any point, it is better safe than sorry and those instincts are there for a reason. Having a SS around the same age and a baby DD I’d find it extremely weird and would flag it straight away, my SS has never even once looked her way while her nappies being changed, not even my 6yo SS bats an eye.