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Original poster

DSS when DD is having her nappy changed

382 replies

Namechangeof2021 · 09/03/2022 22:17

I've put this here rather than on any of the main boards as I don't want an onslaught of people saying I'm horrible or that I'm implying he has nefarious intentions. I'm really not so I hope it doesn't come across that way. It isn't an attack on him, just me looking out for my DD (and maybe some unintentional projection on my part as a CSA survivor) again, I'm not saying he's planning to do anything.

I have a 3 year old DD who isn't yet toilet trained. I have noticed that DSS who is about to start secondary school always makes a point of coming over and looking when I'm changing her. He isn't discrete about it so I don't think he's trying to hide the fact.

I've raised it with dad before who thinks it's innocent childhood curiosity which is normal among siblings, and it may well be, but it makes me uncomfortable.

The bathroom is too small and awkward to change her in so It's always the living room (when the older kids aren't in there - but they happen to come in to) or the bedroom, again which they come in to. Dad seems to forget I've raised these things and will happily change her in the same room that they are already in. He'll just walk right up and stand over her.

Would I be unreasonable to have a talk with him myself and ask that he respects DD's privacy when she needs to be changed?

OP posts:
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tkwal · 09/03/2022 23:09

Also, just a thought but could you get a bathroom type lock on your door ? One that you can use a coin to open if it gets locked accidentally ?

5zeds · 09/03/2022 23:10

I think it needs to be addressed. Try telling them ALL to go away while you’re changing the nappy. Make the effort every time to change her in a separate room. If he doesn’t comply address him directly (as in single him out). Neither he or his father will like it or the implication but that will focus their minds. YOU manage to change/wash without having him stare at your bits, Dd deserves the same.

NoNow · 09/03/2022 23:10

Is it just when she's having her nappy changed that he's around watching? Or does he do it when she's having a bath etc?

It is weird OP. A lot of the examples here aren't of step siblings so it does make me feel a bit weird about it but I'm also nervous about these things due to my childhood.

I hope once you have a chat with him he backs off and he understands that people (including babies and toddlers!) deserve privacy.

Excited101 · 09/03/2022 23:10

That’s very strange op. As a child I absolutely loved babies and little ones, and when my little cousins were born I used to like to go and ‘help’ change their nappies with my Aunt/their mum. But I was about 5/6ish and very much into dolls and babies. I’ve worked in schools and with children on and off since I was 17- and it’s my full time career now. I also had no younger siblings.

Your situation is very very different and as a pp pointed out, referring to it as being like someone on the toilet is a good idea. It clearly makes the point.

Jammybadger · 09/03/2022 23:13

As soon as my dd was steady on her feet I got her in nappy pants which meant I could change her standing up in small toilet cubicles (and for a poo they easily rip so can be used similar to a regular nappy). Not really solving the key issue but may be a way of using the bathroom to change her.

Bromse · 09/03/2022 23:14

Can you not have a lock put on the door yourself without involving the landlord? Or a bolt, that would do just as well. It can't be your landlord's responsibility to put locks on bedroom doors in a family home that he lets.

In your place I would say that your bedroom is out of bounds because it's your private space.

OnaBegonia · 09/03/2022 23:14

The nappy changing aside, do they not who've basic manners or respect? You say they barge into rooms constantly, that in itself
is rude, everyone deserves privacy

Mickarooni · 09/03/2022 23:19

Locking the door is unnecessary. Some people do have very open boundaries but it’s not comfortable for you in your home.
Sit down all the children and remind them about privacy, using the toilet and opening doors etc. Then DSS won’t feel it is aimed at them but a simple and clear message.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2022 23:20

You can always just get a bolt for the inside of the bedroom door, if there's so much palaver over getting a lock. Bolts are much easier to deal with.

I think it's bizarre that your partner is less bothered about the invasion of your DD's privacy as she gets older - he should be more bothered, not less.

I know this isn't AIBU but YANBU to find it odd that your DSS wants to view your DD's privates. I would tell him to go away and have that chat with him, but with his father there at the same time, so there is absolute clarity and everyone knows what was said.

Daydreamsinsantafe · 09/03/2022 23:22

Op what is he like in other areas? Is any of his behaviour odd?

As an aside. Child on child abuse is very common. It may not be driven by the same motivations but none the less once it’s happened it happened. I would say that anything, by anyone, that induces discomfort should be addressed.

Marcipex · 09/03/2022 23:24

I would put a bathroom type lock on the bedroom door, one that can be opened eg with a coin.
That way no one can accidentally forget and barge in.
I would also be telling DSS to stay away when she is being changed. Once is normal curiosity in a younger child but several times is quite unnecessary. At his age even once is unnecessary.
Make it very plain indeed so that he can’t misunderstand.

5zeds · 09/03/2022 23:25

I agree they shouldn’t be bursting in all over the place. If the door is shut you knock, is a good house rule. I think you need to also keep in mind that if he’s exhibiting inappropriate interest it is a safeguarding issue and can indicate that someone has behaved inappropriately with him or he has access to the internet freely or something.

Babadook76 · 09/03/2022 23:26

I can’t believe people on here are so nonchalant about this! We’re an extremely relaxed family when it comes to nudity, but only few hours earlier today I heard my 5yo ds ask his sister to pull the bathroom door across while he had a wee so he ‘didn’t have to see her’. I’d find an almost teenager boy going out of his way to look at his baby sisters soiled genitals being cleaned, fucking disgusting.

Jockolgy · 09/03/2022 23:27

My grandchild is 2.5 and it is an unwritten rule that only myself and Mum change her nappie…never been discussed but how it is with our family !

Babadook76 · 09/03/2022 23:27

@Marcipex

I would put a bathroom type lock on the bedroom door, one that can be opened eg with a coin. That way no one can accidentally forget and barge in. I would also be telling DSS to stay away when she is being changed. Once is normal curiosity in a younger child but several times is quite unnecessary. At his age even once is unnecessary. Make it very plain indeed so that he can’t misunderstand.
That addresses the issue of him gawping at a baby’s vagina. It doesn’t address the issue of why he’s doing it though
LightSpeeds · 09/03/2022 23:29

I'd be keeping a close eye on him around that little girl at all times.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 23:32

@Jockolgy

My grandchild is 2.5 and it is an unwritten rule that only myself and Mum change her nappie…never been discussed but how it is with our family !
Does the baby have a father?
Ellie5341 · 09/03/2022 23:33

Yea I agree it's concerning.

What concerns me also is you say he has a sister at home a similar age?

  1. Is her mum as switched on as you?
  2. His access to this sister?
  3. Mostly for me, he has a sister so is probably also looking at her genitals when nappy is / was (if older) changed- if this has answered a curiosity question of what has a girl got (which was possibly first answered 2/3 years ago) why the hell is he STILL looking?

This needs addressing asap and well done op to address this as it certainly needs bringing up.

I would be inclined to say to him, you notice he looks when you change nappy- why is this?
It may be something completely innocent that puts your mind at rest, however it could reveal he needs help himself.

Marcipex · 09/03/2022 23:35

@Babadook76 I agree, I am just suggesting a practical solution.

Why he’s doing it is a whole other can of worms. I think he must have witnessed some inappropriate behaviour somewhere.

Having a little sister of his own makes it more odd, not less. Not even childish curiosity in that case.

And he’s doing it openly- even odder. I don’t know a single boy that age who would do that. It definitely seems off.

springbreak22 · 09/03/2022 23:35

I think the best thing to do is ban any SC from your house.

Just remember your precious has the same genes Grin

Shuuu · 09/03/2022 23:35

Very worrying. I don’t think that’s normal behaviour at all Op.

I wouldn’t be leaving my daughter alone with him at any point & if she sleeps on her own put a camera in her nursery. Better safe than sorry. As for DH, it’s probably hard for him to think anything of this as it’s son but he needs to respect your reservations here.

Trust your own instincts. More often than not they are correct.

Sorry if it’s over the top but I have suffered sexual abuse as a child so I’m highly strung by these things.

Original poster
Namechangeof2021 · 09/03/2022 23:35

Op what is he like in other areas? Is any of his behaviour odd?

He's quite immature for his age if I'm honest. Regarding an odd thing that seems relevant to this post though, there was one occasion around a year or so ago where DD was laying on the floor on her belly, hands under her chin, and he commented whilst laughing "she's sexy"

I asked him where he'd heard that word before as it's not something he should be using especially about his little sister. He paused then said he'd overheard adults saying it. I thought he'd misused the word and didn't really understand what it meant, as I touched on above - he's quite immature.

Is it just when she's having her nappy changed that he's around watching? Or does he do it when she's having a bath etc?

I no longer bath her on nights they're here as I became uncomfortable with the lack of privacy.

The nappy changing aside, do they not who've basic manners or respect?

For the most part they do yes.

Regarding the locks on doors, I don't expect landlord to make it his problem to fit them, it's just that he's specifically said he doesn't want any more internal locks fitting because he doesn't want to have to pay out if they get jammed again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeof2021 · 09/03/2022 23:38

Oh crap this thread is on the homepage so I'm expecting to be told I'm a horrible person who's being horrible about him now when the blunt AIBU posters see it.

Just want to reiterate, I'm not accusing him of anything

OP posts:
Tdcp · 09/03/2022 23:38

I would absolutely explain the need for privacy in general as well as with your dd. He doesn't seem to be aware of boundaries at the very least. I'd make a point of changing your dd in the bedroom with the door closed and reiterating that she needs privacy if he tries to come in.

Babyfg · 09/03/2022 23:39

This is weird and creepy.

Would you be able to call him out? Like if you're changing her in the bedroom and he comes in I think I'd have to say something like is there is reason you need to watch your sister be changed? Or I've asked you to give dd some privacy why do you need to be in here?

I think you can only say it's curiosity if it happened in her first couple of weeks of life, she's three now what's there to still be curious about. At 11 he's had some relationship lessons in school so if no one else has spoken to him it shouldn't come as a shock to hear about boundaries. All the -1 year olds I know are grossed out by nappies and don't want to be anywhere near them.