Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Would you choose to be a step parent?

259 replies

KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:31

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 12:32

I was a step child with a step mother who hated me, my DM said it was because she was jealous of me.
So going from that experience I would never be a step parent.

Original poster
KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:35

I’d be lying if I denied jealousy was a factor but if it was only that issue I wouldn’t be where I am today. There’s so much involved and I had no clue when I started down this path.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 30/01/2022 12:36

I’m not a step parent but no this is why I won’t date anyone with kids as I’ve always known I never wanted to be one.

CornishGem1975 · 30/01/2022 12:37

Absolutely not. If I were dating now it would be something I'd actively avoid - dating someone with kids. My situation is trickier as I knew my DH before he had kids (we go way back) but if I was meeting someone afresh? Nope. Not for me.

AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 12:38

I am the same as @GeneLovesJezebel having been in a blended family and knowing lots of people who jave been in them, I actively refuse to date men with kids.

I am sorry, its been so difficult for you though.

Interrobanger · 30/01/2022 12:38

No.

I love my husband. I love my stepchild.

I hate the fact that his ex has as much influence as she does over our family life. It’s affected my mental health. I’m so tired of being angry about it. For that reason alone I would never have become a step parent.

Original poster
KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:39

If DH and I ever split and I find myself dating again my top priority will be no kids.
Step parents who enjoy it are super human in my opinion.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 30/01/2022 12:39

Nope, it's pretty thankless role.

Elmo230885 · 30/01/2022 12:40

Definitely not. When I was dating I never dated someone with kids as I knew I didn't want everything that could come with being a step mum ( Inc always having an ex around to some degree ). I knew I wanted my own children and didn't want them to be anyone's second family. It works for some but I knew it wasn't for me.

Original poster
KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:41

The ex wife has been a major negative factor.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 30/01/2022 12:43

No, too many men looking for someone to do the wife work for their kids to make it easier for them.

2holibobssofar · 30/01/2022 12:46

I would never, ever, be a step parent, which is why I never dated anyone with kids. It was always something I’d check early on.

gogohm · 30/01/2022 12:51

I have a good relationship with dp's DD's, but all our children are over 18 so there's no need to parent, excluding the sn situation with 2 of them - I'm a friend, sounding board, can offer suggestions but I don't have to step in and say no in the same way (I do tell her off for mess though!)

Itsnotdeep · 30/01/2022 12:51

I'm about to re-launch myself into the world of dating - I think I am assuming it would be ok now that I'm going for older people with grown up kids. But I'd never go out with anyone with younger children.

Kbyodjs · 30/01/2022 12:51

I’d do it again in a heartbeat for my DSD and DH as they are thoroughly worth it but no I wouldn’t ever do it again with someone else. If DH and I split up then I wouldn’t move in with someone who had kids until mine were 18 and I’m not even sure I’d live with someone who didn’t have kids and bring the step parent dynamic into their lives

gogohm · 30/01/2022 12:51

When I did OLD I said no kids under 18.

Original poster
KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:52

I had no idea it would be so tough. Why would two children (well mainly one) and their mother actively go out to make someone’s life so miserable. I wasn’t the reason the marriage and family split.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/01/2022 12:52

Nope. If we ever split I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life than do it again. It's not because I'm jealous either. It's not worth the hassle.

Original poster
KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:54

I don’t know if it’s because they are who they are but the 18 threshold is making little difference. They’re still unpleasant, needy, rude, entitled ….

OP posts:
User838960 · 30/01/2022 12:55

Nope never again. And not even because of my ex's child who was absolutely lovely and I had a great relationship with. Because of the constant ties to his narcissistic ex and the control she had over our lives. Because of always being made a scapegoat and never being able to 'feel' anything over that situation.

gogohm · 30/01/2022 12:55

@KindleBeKind every situation is different. I get on well with dp's exw, he gets on with my exh - but we are older, grown up kids and simply grew apart, very similar circumstances. No resentment, no money issues.

I think meeting the exw early on is a good idea, I met dp's about 4 months in and we hit it off fine, so different, we go to joint events etc

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/01/2022 12:56

@KindleBeKind

I don’t know if it’s because they are who they are but the 18 threshold is making little difference. They’re still unpleasant, needy, rude, entitled ….
I think even when they are adults there are still problems that can arise. And if the ex likes the drama ime it never stops.
Original poster
KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:57

@gogohm
I’m ten years in. I tried with the ex but she wanted to hate me from the start and passed this onto her children. I didn’t stand a chance.

OP posts:
gogohm · 30/01/2022 12:57

Unfortunately op it's the kids and their upbringing, both parents are to blame allowing them (they might have been a nightmare without the marriage split!)

gotenoughthanks · 30/01/2022 12:58

If you'd have asked me 2 years ago I'd have said DSD was worth all the grief his mum throws at DH and I, but after what's happened in the last year never, ever again. She has put us through hell with her selfish, psychopathic life choices and my mental health is paying for it, big time with depression, anxiety and now medication to cope. I'd never put myself in this position again. We'd got to a pretty decent place where it all seemed ok and we were being civil and adult to each other, but it's now just awful and every week is another petty argument and more mud-slinging. I've gone NC with her as I just can't deal.