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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Would you choose to be a step parent?

259 replies

KindleBeKind · 30/01/2022 12:31

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

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Branleuse · 30/01/2022 13:39

I wouldnt say no, just because its got the potential to be shit. It definitely needs to be a case by case basis.
My partner has been steparent to ds1 since he was 4 and hes now 21 and he loves him like his own. I also had a stepdad growing up which was fine and ive always got on with my dads girlfriends too.
In real life, I think having a stepparent is quite normal and most families make it work. Ive definitely read some horror stories on here though and I know people who arent that fond of their stepkids, but its not a terrible situation either. It means that I would tread extremely carefully where there were children involved, but I wouldnt say a blanket no either.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/01/2022 13:47

@AlexaShutUp

If I said he was inflicted on me I would get flamed, and yet it's me who's had the shit end of the stick continuously.

That might well be true, but the fact that you feel you got the shit end of the stick is precisely why I would never want my dc to have a step parent. I would not want someone in their lives who didn't actively want to be there.

It's not that I don't actively want to be there? It's that I actively TRIED to be there for YEARS and continuously had it thrown back in my face.
Magda72 · 30/01/2022 13:47

No.

But I genuinely don't believe the kids are the problem (generally speaking). In my experience & opinion it's the dynamic between the parents that causes most grief for stepparents, especially sms.
The 'bitter exw' & the 'hapless man' incapable of putting in boundaries around his ex & dc are what upends most second (& subsequent) marriages. Often the dc's behaviour is awful but it's rarely (when younger) their fault. Ime bad, disrespectful behaviour is often encouraged by dm & allowed by df.
The toxicity of the overspill from the parents relationship is what makes it all so hard & the kids & new partners & the ones who suffer the most.

Laurelon · 30/01/2022 13:53

The way this is phrased and the way it is responded to, the question send to be "would you choose to be a stepparent in a situation where the ex is involved?"

I wouldn't want to stepparent in those conditions, but if the other person had sole custody (so no ex involved) then I'd happily stepparent, so long as my partner shared my childrearing philosophy and would treat my child fairly. I like kids, biologically mine or not

Branleuse · 30/01/2022 14:03

I forgot to add in my post that I think its generally been pretty much fine for my ex husbands wife as well with ds1. Ive always encouraged ds to respect her and Im pretty sure they have an ok relationship and as far as i know, shes fond of ds1 and they all get on fine. Ive kept my beak out of their houshold in return for them keeping their beaks out of mine.

I wouldnt choose to be in a relationship with anyone who had loads of friction and drama going on in their life with children and exes. Its so unnecessary and tiring.

funinthesun19 · 30/01/2022 14:12

But I genuinely don't believe the kids are the problem (generally speaking). In my experience & opinion it's the dynamic between the parents that causes most grief for stepparents, especially sms.
The 'bitter exw' & the 'hapless man' incapable of putting in boundaries around his ex & dc are what upends most second (& subsequent) marriages.

Agree 100%. The parentS have a lot to answer for when it comes to stepmums getting fed up and saying enough is enough.
My former dsc wasn’t the reason I chose to end it with my ex. Dsc was/is lovely and nothing is their fault. Their parents were a toxic mix of bad personalities which ultimately drew me away.

aSofaNearYou · 30/01/2022 14:28

Because we have shared DC, yes, but I would strongly recommend against it.

RockAndHardPlace1 · 30/01/2022 14:30

No. I would never date someone with kids and I don't think I'd allow them to be involved with my kids either.

BungleandGeorge · 30/01/2022 14:35

I think you have to take a very careful look at the partner you’re getting involved with. If they’ve not done a good job of equal parenting and bonding with the children then it probably spells trouble. The ex owes you nothing, it’s your partner who should be putting in place boundaries, creating a stable and loving home life etc. I think in many cases the precedence was there to see.

Justtobeclear · 30/01/2022 14:41

Absolutely not. I was incredibly naive as to what the situation would end up being and genuinely thought because SS was 4 it would be ok. The dynamics of a very spoilt child, “doting” extended family and trying to put in boundaries with a difficult ex were hugely underestimated. It’s bloody hard work and honestly I don’t think it’s worth it!

Magda72 · 30/01/2022 14:44

@Branleuse I agree. Obviously I can't speak for my exh's dw but to the best of my knowledge she's had very few issues with my dc & none with me (bar a few boundary issues in the early days).

I've always encouraged my dc to respect her & respect the fact that their dads house became her home also & like you I keep my beak well out of their business & encourage my dc to bring any issues they may have in that household to their dad directly - not through me.
I do believe it's the partners responsibility to effect boundaries - but I think their ex's behaviour is also hugely important.
Unfortunately many exes are 'well behaved' until things get serious & only then show their true colours.

paname · 30/01/2022 14:48

I would but only because DH always made our marriage a priority over any of the kids be they step or our own. If you get a Disney dad who doesn't parent and lets his kids walk on you then it's hell and something to suss our early! It's bad it's really rough moments but one of my stepkids genuinely is lovely and makes my life better. I would run like the wind from a situation where the mother hates you and wishes to poison the kids. It's simply not worth taking on so much pain that simply isn't yours.

Exofanaddict · 30/01/2022 15:01

I love my stepdaughter. She was never ever the problem. Her mother expected us to always drop everything depending on her plans. Her father then was an addict and I only stayed as long as I did to try and protect her.
I still see her occasionally via her mum (now I don’t have to be an actual parent and deal with the logistics we get along). Now I’m single I have no inclination to do it again! I don’t want a collection of lovely step children!

RedWingBoots · 30/01/2022 15:03

Unfortunately many exes are 'well behaved' until things get serious & only then show their true colours.

This is what happened in my case.

No issues with DP or SC.

Hdhr8jsj · 30/01/2022 15:11

I never wanted to date anyone with children unless they were 16+

Been with someone who has children for 4 years now, but I'm not a step mum. We will never marry or live with each other and although I've met the children on a few occasions, I'm not involved with them.

The ex is seemingly lovely and honestly his and her relationship is one of the reasons I love him.

harriethoyle · 30/01/2022 15:14

@Kbyodjs I feel very similar. I'd do it again to be with my DH but not for anyone else. It's a pretty thankless task, all the disadvantages of parenting and none of the advantages... and I get on really well with one of my two DSDs. I adore my DH but there's no doubt it's been very hard work figuring out SM boundaries, responsibilities, etc.

harriethoyle · 30/01/2022 15:15

@RedWingBoots

Unfortunately many exes are 'well behaved' until things get serious & only then show their true colours.

This is what happened in my case.

No issues with DP or SC.

Yes, me three 🙄
lunar1 · 30/01/2022 15:46

My childhood was traumatic and I would never take the risk of either becoming a stepparent or bringing one into my children's lives.

If DH and I separated I wouldn't live with another partner again and any relationship I did have would be completely separate from my home life.

I won't risk their safety and security, I won't compromise on how I raise them, I wouldn't risk my assets going to a new partner. I certainly will never put myself in a position where I have to ask permission for my children to come home, no matter how old they are.

I'm could never offer a new partner with or without children a second family, it would be unfair to everyone involved.

ACCx · 30/01/2022 15:55

No absolutely not. Worst decision I ever made to be honest.

Wildrobin · 30/01/2022 15:57

This is an eye opening thread and shows how hard it can be. To be almost the only positive note here, my best friend is a step mother and simply dotes on her stepson, but then over the years she also became close to her DH’s ex and it’s all been very supportive and meaningful. Stepson is an adult now and in their lives all the time.

seekinglondonlife · 30/01/2022 16:05

I'm a step child on both sides and although both parents would wax lyrical about the great blended set up, as a child it was far too much baggage. For that reason I would never have got involved with someone with children (I very much believe you can help who you fall in love with) and if I split with my DH now I'd never get involved with anyone whilst the dc were still at home.

Gardeningcreature · 30/01/2022 16:19

I am technically a step parent but my dh's dcs were adults when we met.
I absolutely would not have got involved with anyone who had young, dependant children.
I've never parented my dsc.
Would I prefer if dh did not have children? Possibly on purely selfish, financial reasons. I am having to protect my (limited) finances to ensure they go to my children and not step children. Without going into details the dsc will inherit enough.

Moonface123 · 30/01/2022 16:28

No, it wouldn' t be for me.
I chose to raise my children alone after husband died. I didn' t want anyone else involved in their upbringing, so much easier on your own and l wouldn't ever want to get involved with a man who has children either. The thought of a blended family does not appeal in the slightest.

SpaceshiptoMars · 30/01/2022 16:30

Unfortunately many exes are 'well behaved' until things get serious & only then show their true colours.

Sadly, this is also true of adult children. Dad can have girlfriends, no problem. Once there's a big sparkly ring on her finger, it's another story. The inheritance is now at risk, and she must be got rid of....

So, my advice to those who start a relationship with a man with adult children is this... Think hard about how you present the financial future. Don't let misunderstandings creep in. The DSC had no need to worry about their inheritance, but wild imaginings created a horrible situation and mess that DH and I are still working to resolve.

BungleandGeorge · 30/01/2022 16:34

I think many children would rather their parents didn’t bring partners into their lives. I don’t think it’s often anything personal but often it doesn’t enhance their lives. They’d rather spend all their time with their parent and often it means less time, attention, relationship for them. It’s even more difficult and many conflicts of interest if further children arrive. So no I would never want to be a step parent as my kids are always going to come first whilst they are dependent on me . I don’t want want to give up my money/ time/ attention to that extent and that is what you have to do if you become a blended family, so it’s a no from me.