Would you choose to be a step parent?

[KindleBeKind]

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

Sorry I’m sounding so miserable and woe is me! I’m a strong independent woman who’s ground down.

@KindleBeKind

Sorry I’m sounding so miserable and woe is me! I’m a strong independent woman who’s ground down.

Same here, sending big hugs. Hope you can find a way to get through it

Can you go NC with the kids ?
If they are adults and cannot be civil then there’s no need for them to come to your home. DH can meet them for coffee/meals etc.

@gogohm very true. DH isn’t blameless. He hasn’t patented them, he wants to be best friend and never says no.

@KindleBeKind

Be kind to yourself @KindleBeKind as per you user name.

It's a no from me, in that I wouldn't have married and moved in with my husband until the kids had all left home. Bottom line for me is I just don't like other people's kids in my house.

Having been a stepchild myself I never dated men with kids, it's just not worth it.

Only if the mum was not in the picture. I love dh and my stepdaughter but the ex has made life hell and I’ve considered leaving so many times because of her behaviour. So I’d only consider dating a man with children if he has sole custody

Never again.

A no from me. We've been together 9.5 years but only moved in together 6 months ago. My children are here full time. His whenever they want something. He's a Disney Dad whose children (18 and 16) treat him like crap and only contact him when they want money which he gives them. I've made a huge mistake and don't know how to get out of it.

Absolutely not and based one what I read on this board there is no way I would inflict a step parent on my children either until they had left home.

No, I would never date anyone with kids. I love being a parent but have zero desire to be a step parent.

If I ever split with dh, I would rather stay single than bring a step parent into her life. At least until she was well into adulthood.

[quote KindleBeKind]@gogohm
I’m ten years in. I tried with the ex but she wanted to hate me from the start and passed this onto her children. I didn’t stand a chance.[/quote]
15 years in here, ex wife did exactly the same in my situation and passed her horrid views onto her kids. It just doesn't get any easier.

@Wizzbangfizz

Absolutely not and based one what I read on this board there is no way I would inflict a step parent on my children either until they had left home.

Inflict? Why such negative language?

Yes….but probably only because kids are ft with us with very limited and supervised contact with their mum. DP & I agree on parenting approach, the kids are lovely and very much want us as their family unit. If we had a 50/50 or eow arrangement as most have, combined with a utterly unreasonable ex, I think it would be very different and very hard. I think DP would pander to the kids through fear that otherwise they’d refuse to come over. The kids loyalty bind combined with their mums problems would mean they’d be highly conflicted in allowing me a role in their lives, and I’d feel like a powerless spare part barely tolerated in my own home.

I absolutely adore my DH and he is the best ever step dad to my 2...they call him dad (both mid 20's). My ex is not on the scene at all.
He has 2. The constant drama with the youngest (18) and his mother is the gift that keeps giving. I love the kid but he's manipulated by her. I detach, don't get involved and try to keep DH in grey rock status as she knows how to push his buttons.
Would I do it all again. Yes. But maybe a little less naive.

Inflict? Why such negative language?

There are good step parents, of course. But in many cases, it is inflicting a less than desirable situation on the children. You only have to read the threads on here to see how often it doesn't work, and I know of many rl examples too.

Im not a step-parent and would never have considered it. I only dated men whose DCs were grown up already. Always seems convenient for the man and stressful for the woman. No thank you, no man is worth all that.

@AlexaShutUp

Inflict? Why such negative language?

There are good step parents, of course. But in many cases, it is inflicting a less than desirable situation on the children. You only have to read the threads on here to see how often it doesn't work, and I know of many rl examples too.

There are some poor step parents, of course. However I find the word inflict pretty nasty. I wouldn't say I was inflicted on dss. If I said he was inflicted on me I would get flamed, and yet it's me who's had the shit end of the stick continuously.

If I said he was inflicted on me I would get flamed, and yet it's me who's had the shit end of the stick continuously.

That might well be true, but the fact that you feel you got the shit end of the stick is precisely why I would never want my dc to have a step parent. I would not want someone in their lives who didn't actively want to be there.

Sorry if inflict was negative, I think inflict works both ways in this situation. I just don't see many positives and my friends who are step parents moan endlessly about the ex/children and one in particular has become particularly resentful when they had their own child (another scenario) played out frequently on this board.

No. I did OLD 10 years ago before I met DH but would not date anyone with kids.

Nope if I wanted more kids I'd have them myself.

When I was in my early 20s I chose it.
The only thing that stops me regretting it is my children.
After a very tough 10 years and after hitting my 30s, my tolerance for any bullshit is zero. So I’d rather avoid all men with children. Even if there are some decent men out there amongst the lazy arsed ones who need a maid and babysitter, things will always be complicated if they have children.

Nope. Mostly ex issues that impact stb ex h and his son is why it's a big nope from me.