Page 11 | Would you choose to be a step parent?

KindleBeKind · 2022-01-30T12:31:08+00:00

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent? I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case. I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different. We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Celticdawn5 · 11/08/2023 13:37

Absolutely not. A total waste of effort.

babybopella · 11/08/2023 13:49

No. I really really don’t enjoy it. He’s a good kid mostly, and I do care for him, but his mum is a first class cow and does her best to alienate him from me and his dad which makes things hard. So not his fault but it’s hard.

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft · 11/08/2023 14:07

@Octosaurus

I had three steps. Was so happy to marry into a family as I had my own son from a previous marriage.

My youngest stepdaughter was a nightmare and her estrangement caused such hurt to her dad and my relationship that the rot set in, fairly early on. It was all jealousy. She couldn’t bear that dad loved another person and that person’s son. I’d like to say she “grew up” but not really. Didn’t see her for years and I was expected to leave my own home on occasion, as DS wouldn’t see her dad and me together. So he could see her, I left for the evening quite a number of times over the years.

I divorced him eventually.

My advice. Do. Not. Even. Contemplate. It!!

TheSecondMrsMoorcroft · 11/08/2023 14:09

DSD (not DS)!

I wasn’t the other woman. His first marriage had been over years before I came along and we then took four years to move in together!

namechangenacy · 11/08/2023 15:28

BeggyMitchell · 11/08/2023 13:15

Hey namechangenacy - no I don't mind at all. In my case it was a stepfather (bio dad long gone) who made my life a misery- puts me in mind of animals in the wild who will reject/kill offspring that are not their own - imo humans aren't that different when it comes down to it. I'm sure I was a walking living reminder of my mother's sex life before his arrival.

I don't really want to go into in more detail than that on MN but it was shit and affected me for life.

Well as a adult sk and now a sm. I'm really really sorry 💐

Your step father sounded like a shit human being, and you didn't deserve that. You absolutely no don't have to give any more details and thank you for sharing.

I hope people like your step father are the expectation not the rule. But people have a nasty way of surprising me that's for sure.

PaintedEgg · 13/08/2023 13:59

I feel like a lot of problems described are problems with the ex, not children

My husband's ex did it all - constantly calling to ask for "help" with dumbest stuff, trying to use their child to get his attention, demanding information about our life that had nothing to do with her, badmouthing me to their child (and doing so in the most immature way one can imagine).

All of it was dealt with by my husband. He put boundaries in and she eventually backed down.

Keeping an united front with one's spouse is important and it helps to develop a good relationship with the kids.

ifandbutwhynot · 13/08/2023 16:37

@PaintedEggsorry to jump in! Just wondered, how did you both set the boundary? Having similar trouble with my partners ex. It has been to court as she denied him contact with the kids, restrictions were even put in place as to how they were able to communicate with each other… nothing has changed, it’s still relentless, she still accuses him and now both of us of things that haven’t happened, she calls him constantly, she berates him on the communication app they use, she uses his video calling times with the children outside of our weekends with them to have a go at him about things in front of the children knowing damn well nothing she says there is on record and twists what was said in court to suit her. She doesn’t listen to anything he’s said in regards to his own boundaries, or to our boundaries. She’s sought me out in the past on social media to have a go at me, she’s in contact with his ex girlfriend and tries to get her involved contacting us both also. I’m constantly an anxious wreck waiting for her to ruin whatever is next and I’m genuinely thinking of just walking away from it all.

PaintedEgg · 13/08/2023 19:27

@ifandbutwhynot in our case it was not as extreme and it was more her being mean / petty / demanding. What has helped was basically cutting short any attempts from her side to demand extra help for herself (that did not concern their child) or involve herself into our life.

It was stressful at the beginning - and I do admit I've put my foot down when I was at my wits end. it was also damaging to my SD because she started picking up the bad vibes. Being an united front did help a lot - my husband has made it clear on multiple occasions that his concern are his wife and children, and he doesn't care what his ex does if it does not concern him.

Laurdo · 13/08/2023 19:36

ifandbutwhynot · 13/08/2023 16:37

@PaintedEggsorry to jump in! Just wondered, how did you both set the boundary? Having similar trouble with my partners ex. It has been to court as she denied him contact with the kids, restrictions were even put in place as to how they were able to communicate with each other… nothing has changed, it’s still relentless, she still accuses him and now both of us of things that haven’t happened, she calls him constantly, she berates him on the communication app they use, she uses his video calling times with the children outside of our weekends with them to have a go at him about things in front of the children knowing damn well nothing she says there is on record and twists what was said in court to suit her. She doesn’t listen to anything he’s said in regards to his own boundaries, or to our boundaries. She’s sought me out in the past on social media to have a go at me, she’s in contact with his ex girlfriend and tries to get her involved contacting us both also. I’m constantly an anxious wreck waiting for her to ruin whatever is next and I’m genuinely thinking of just walking away from it all.

It's not up to the ex to stick to boundaries your DH sets. It's up to him to hold them. Get him to block her phone number so she can't call relentlessly. Ignore. You should have her blocked on everything as well including social media. Your DH shouldn't reply to anything not related to the kids or doesn't require a response and anything that does should be kept to a minimum for example; yes, no, 6pm. Don't respond to accusations, don't try to explain yourself. If she's hijacking the video calls just stop them.

Ultimately you can't control how she chooses to behave or what she says but you can limit the ways she can communicate with your DH and you can control how you respond to her.

We had the same issues with my DH ex. She's still a nightmare but things have gotten easier the more boundaries we've held.