Would you choose to be a step parent?

[KindleBeKind]

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

I love my OH. Haven't been together all that long, but goodness knows, if I was starting again I'd insist on no children under 18. I sometimes wish I hadn't fallen for him and could just walk away. I accept that he comes with his children, but jeez! There's so much drama and bullshit, never getting a weekend together, constantly compromising, jealousy/ feeling threatened by and from the ex. I know if I was talking to a friend in a similar position what my advice would be.

@Wildrobin that's lovely to hear & I do believe it can work but for that to happen it needs all the adults & especially the parents to behave like adults & get over themselves.
When I was with my exdp my dc had a pretty good set up. All the adults were civil & my dc got on fine with both their sm & my (then) dp.
However, his exw & dc were an entirely different matter & things on that side just become more and more fraught.
The exw was mainly to blame but exdp helped nothing in refusing to tackle her head on & the dc just got more & more resentful of me & my dc. Exdp just could not put in the appropriate boundaries & honestly it was one of the worst experiences of my life. And seeing my dc happy almost made it 'worse' as in I knew it didn't have to be like that - it was allowed be like that.
I think a lot of people think the split/divorce is going to be the hard bit but in truth having to coparent well post divorce is the hardest thing & most couples fail to take this on board when divorcing.

I'm really sorry about your situation, Kindle.

No I would never have been a stepmother.

It's a tricky one as a single parent myself. At my age if men don't have kids then you wonder why. Ideally I'd like to date a man with no kids but then other parents also understand more why you put your dc first . I also hope someone wouldnt rule me out because I had kids and that makes me a hypocrite 😆

Not a step mum but reading the threads on here it's put me off for life if me and OH split. I'd date have a partner but they would never move in with me or vice versa we wouldn't blend families. I'd possibly consider moving in with them when DCs are grown up and have left home.

Yes, but I have a wonderful husband who is an excellent parent, and his ex wife is a good person and great mum. We're not all best buds but it's harmonious and the kids are a delight as a result.

just fwiw, I said no kids under 18 when I started internet dating (both my kids adults so I didn't think it was actually fair on anyone that I went out with someone with younger children and I was well past that stage!) and I got to a few months ish with 2 men both of whom lied and never told me about their dc till that point when they decided to do a dramatic reveal as if it wouldn't matter

there are obviously a lot of women who don't want to date men with young children that they try and hide the fact that they have dc. Just a warning if anyone is about to start dating and states that fact. I even put it in my profile so it was very clear from the outset and still this happened!

@Useranon1 that too is a lovely post & is something I would hope my exh's dw would say about my dc.

So much depends on the children and the relationship with the ex re: coparenting that I wouldn't want to definitively answer that.

My 1st husband was a terrible coparent so his ex always made life hard. My current husband is incredible, and my DSS is amazing. I truly love his company.

Absolutely yes I would make the same choices again. I thought very long and hard about getting together with my DH, and for many years found being a SM difficult for all the reasons that you’ll all be familiar with. But he’s been an amazing husband and we have a very good marriage. I’m very lucky. I have also grown to love - very dearly - my two DSs who are now in their twenties. But it takes years, and lots of compromise, and probably a bit of luck.

No. How people parent is an incredibly personal choice and often (although not always) women do the lion's share of it. That means that they dictate the style of parenting and usually end up being the ones who set the boundaries for their children. Hence the potential for conflict when you have children who are subjected to two different parenting styles living between two homes (especially when the step-mum is left to enforce boundaries in the second home in relation to children who aren't hers).

For a step-parenting relationship to work (especially when there are children from the second relationship), I think you need the father to be heavily involved in parenting since he is the common link between the two sets of children. He needs to step up and ensure all the children are provided with similar opportunities and are treated fairly (although fairness doesn't necessarily require equality, especially when the children are different ages). This includes enforcing consistent boundaries for all the children, making time for them individually, giving 110% to being a father and supporting his partner. Since a major factor in many relationships breaking down is fathers being 'disney dads' and not pulling their weight, and many try to offload their parenting responsibilities onto their new partners, I think many step-mum relationships are set up to fail. Ime this narrative (men who should never have had kids in the first place having two sets of children in two families) is more common than the 'psycho ex' scenario.

No. Never

No way, I wouldn't even date a man with adult children, its too much hassle that I don't need.

Well this is an eye opening thread. Can I share my senorio that I find myself in and see if it makes any difference.

I have 50/50 with my ex. We still get on well as co-parents (have the odd niggle but talk about it and work it out). We are both laid back drama free people. Neither of us involve ourselves in the others time with the children. My kids are 7 and 14 and I have no desire to share the time I have with them with another adult. Would you still not date someone in this situation?

I was a step parent to two boys who were 11 and 13 when I met them. They came to live with us within a year. Their mum was pretty forceful presence in their lives so I was just supportive and didn't interfere. A few issues once mid teens ( not with me) but it didn't last long.
I wouldn't 'choose' to be a step parent, but if the person had kids that wouldn't be a deal breaker unless perhaps if it was very obvious the kids were never going to accept me.

No, I wouldn't. Never in a million years. Dp's ex is really argumentative, confrontational and aggressive and its taken a toll on all of us and our lives.

@Undecidedandtorn

Well this is an eye opening thread. Can I share my senorio that I find myself in and see if it makes any difference.

I have 50/50 with my ex. We still get on well as co-parents (have the odd niggle but talk about it and work it out). We are both laid back drama free people. Neither of us involve ourselves in the others time with the children. My kids are 7 and 14 and I have no desire to share the time I have with them with another adult. Would you still not date someone in this situation?

Honestly speaking, I wouldn't.

Not a step mum but have no real desire to ever be one! That being said, if DH and I separate and I wanted to date I'd be asking someone to take on my child so would potentially be unfair to say no to someone who had kids of their own too. But as a person with no kids of my own - no way!

Would you still not date someone in this situation?

In fairness, if you have them 50% of the time, and you have no desire to share any of that time with another adult...you are at best offering a part time relationship. Which actually would suit me, but most people wouldn't be interested in that.

@Undecidedandtorn on the one hand your set up sounds great. However on the other you would envisage a very compartmentalised life with large chunks of it away from a partner.
I think some people would absolutely get this but others would like a little more flexibility.
Most comments on here are with respect to the bad dynamics between co parents but those with positive stories all say if the dynamics between the parents are good & if both parents actually parent from the same page, then being in sdcs lives is not an issue.
You have a good dynamic with your ex but still want a highly compartmentalised life which is your prerogative - but I would imagine that a lot of potential partners would still object to having to orientate their time around the time you spend with your dc.

I love being a step mum. My step kids have enriched my life no end. Wouldn't be without them in a million years.

@liveforsummer you don't wonder why you ask directly why. Some people are infertile you know.

[quote RedWingBoots]@liveforsummer you don't wonder why you ask directly why. Some people are infertile you know.[/quote]
Yes some are but lots aren't as well. Sorry to break it but divinely men on dating apps are far more plentiful than infertile ones. Asking isn't always helpful.

I've loved step parenting, but mainly had a wonderful experience.
I would want to go on a case by case basis

Sorry that was meant to say *dishonest men