Would you choose to be a step parent?

[KindleBeKind]

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

@Interrobanger

No.

I love my husband. I love my stepchild.

I hate the fact that his ex has as much influence as she does over our family life. It’s affected my mental health. I’m so tired of being angry about it. For that reason alone I would never have become a step parent.

This.

I can't imagine being with anyone but dp and he has kids so yes I guess. Before I met him I would have said I'd never go out with someone who had kids but I think rules like that go out of the window when you meet someone who you really like.

Ohhh I'm bloody split.

90% I would say yes for DH but that 10% is a absolute ball ache of fun and unusual surprises (including having to get rid of beloved family dog due to DSD actions- which was painful).

That said Pretty much all of the issues have been to do with the ex wife(isn't that shocking) and the fact that I was the first real contender, and she's openly admitted she expected DH to never remarry or have more kids and was shocked at the thought and it unsettled her.

Do genuinely love DSD and DH but that 10% is enough to bring you to your knees.

No. Absolutely not.

The only reason I don't regret it is because I have my DC out of this marriage and obviously I don't regret them.

But other than that, no I wouldn't do it again.

@Itsnotdeep

I'm about to re-launch myself into the world of dating - I think I am assuming it would be ok now that I'm going for older people with grown up kids. But I'd never go out with anyone with younger children.

Not always easier with adult kids believe me 🙄

I also would never have had a second set (for want of another word) of children with a second man.
I have seen so, so many cases of favouritism for the younger 'fully related' children over the older step children, quite often involving money.

I think op, you will find that the people coming to this forum on mn are mostly unhappy step parents who have problems, so the answer will be overwhelmingly no. Nothing wrong with that opinion, but going by previous threads around is there any happy sm here etc, a no is predictable. If you meant this to be a survey, you have a biased sample.

Too many problems it’s a big no from me. I have no desire to parent any kids other than my own. I have been there and done that. Never again.

I always knew I was too selfish to be a step parent so never got involved with a man with kids

@Tinimineymoo

I think op, you will find that the people coming to this forum on mn are mostly unhappy step parents who have problems, so the answer will be overwhelmingly no. Nothing wrong with that opinion, but going by previous threads around is there any happy sm here etc, a no is predictable. If you meant this to be a survey, you have a biased sample.

It's been in my active threads all evening so it's not just people joining the topic that will be commenting. I'd have no reason to visit a step parent board usually but it was in my feed

Thanks for the responses. It might be a biased poll but a very supportive one. Each case is individual with some common themes. Rarely the kids are at fault. I wish I’d had a better idea of what I was getting into. The posters who say (although not on this thread), you knew he had kids / why choose a man with kids have little idea of how hard it is to know in the early days of a relationship that is otherwise great how devastating a poor step parenting relationship can be.
I’m suffering right now, my MH is shot to pieces and I’m really not sure how to move on.

@KindleBeKind join our recovery from dysfunctional step families thread. There's a few of us in the same boat x

Fuck no. I love them with every fibre of my being. But I'm not their mum. I don't get to criticise when she massacres their hair. Or when her boyfriend is arrested for dv. And she moves him back in time and time again. And then ask for sympathy because it's ' so hard to cough with broken ribs'
I love them, and it's so hard to watch them and be powerless. No way I'd recommend it xxxx

Nope definitely not!
Someone has dosent have children has a completely different lifestyle to someone who has children, not to mention all of the usual dramas, problems, hassle that comes with someone else's children and your priorities and free time are completely incompatible as well, the person with out children has to make most of the compromises/lifestyle changes to fit into a ready made family I'm afraid

A few days ago I'd have said absolutely not as I was feeling so unhappy and stressed. We're still in the early days of all living together and have lots of ups and downs. It's hard but I really hope it will get easier over time, as it has been gradually getting easier bit by bit. The main thing that would make me go back and not do it again is that since DSC have come to live with us DP has decided he doesn't want any more children. We have one together but I never thought I would only have one child (I'd been very open about wanting children from the beginning of our relationship and he was on board with that until after our DD was born). I would want to go back and change getting myself into a situation which means that I won't have anymore children of my own yet I'm raising someone else's. I don't get the credit or love of being their mum, but I have to deal with the fallout caused by their actual mum who they adore despite her being so dangerous ans toxic that DSC were removed from her. When DP first told me he didn't want anymore children I felt so angry and resentful of all of that, but when it comes to it, I would absolutely do it all over again because doing it is what gave me my daughter and I can't imagine ever changing that or wanting anything that would mean she wasn't in my life.

@BigMamaFratelli it sounds like you'd find SS to be helpful in your situation to intervene on behalf of your stepkids.

I'd be a terrible stepmom and I really would resent anyone getting involved with my son so I can't imagine I'd ever get involved with someone with children.

Experienced being a step parent and hated it
Tried doing good the mother hated me
Took a step back ex partner hated me
Could never win
And there was deffo three people in the relationship too and the mother deffo came before me. Never again. Went on to date men without kids. Now have a family of my own.

No. I tried for a good few years. Worst experience of my life, for a multitude of reasons.

Now? I will eventually date well away from my children. Have zero intent of ever getting involved with anyone else’s children. No blending. Minimal interest in their exes/ children/ challenges.

My experience is akin to aversion therapy. Never again 😬

No way.

No, I can’t think why anyone would chose to be a stepparent, man or woman. You’re never going to love that child as you would your own no matter how hard you tried for starters.

I wouldn't want to go through the awfulness that was stepparenting my DSD again. DH was a hopeless parent to her. It was a hell of a struggle. I finally had a gutsful of her dramas when I realised she was now older than I was when I met her father and she was still behaving like a toddler and throwing her toys out of the pram at every opportunity.

We live in different countries now and she is a no go area for me and DH. There is nothing I can say or do that would shift her perception of me and that would shift her perception of her half-siblings. Ironically if she had maintained the truce we once reached for longer than 6 months she'd have a much closer relationship with her dad. She had no idea how much I facilitated that. I am genuinely sad that when he visits her city, he no longer stays with her but sees her briefly. All that angst and drama and this is the pay off.

I have zero experience with step parenting - I didn’t have one, and I’m not one.

But no, it seems so blindingly obvious to me that you’d be on a hiding to nothing. Constantly.

Yes, people say ‘you knew he had kids when you got together with him’, because they’re no doubt coming to it from a position like mine. On knowing that stone cold fact - that he has kids and you’d be a step-parent - they’d want nothing to do with it.

I do think too many people go into it with their eyes clamped shut, ignoring all the red flags waving in their faces, thinking ‘love conquers all’ / ‘it’ll be different for us’.

I'm not a step parent but my dh is. He's never regretted it. I think it helped that our dd were quite young when we met so he's In all their memories. No issues with exh and he always had regular contact. The usual teen issues but none directed at dh more than typical. They have always treated him like a dad as he's there for the day to day stuff. I wonder if it's harder to be a step mum than step dad? Cause I'm at home more i deal with a lot of the day to day stuff dh is around evenings/weekends so don't know if it's step parent dealing with lions share maybe it would be more challenging. If I found my self single now I wouldn't date someone with young children.

No I wouldn’t do it again. Not because of the kids but because of the ex and the way she controlled the kids and hence my life too.

@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine some step-families work out, or like in the case of my parents if they had issues they knew not to use their children as pawns.