Would you choose to be a step parent?

[KindleBeKind]

If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?
I definitely definitely would walk away. Not a shred of doubt. Whilst I love my husband I can only describe the life of a step mother as a traumatic experience in my case.
I hoped for years that when they reached 18 things would be easier. It’s not, it’s challenges are just different.
We met online, I wish I’d swiped the other way.

Absolutely not. SD was a teenager when I met her DF, so I never expected to take a motherly role, but I would have been happy to be a significant adult in her life. However, she has been hostile from the start and it continues to this day. After 22 years, I have had enough of her behaviour driving a wedge between me and DH and DH, the archetypal Disney Dad, not being prepared to stand my corner.

My stepsons were 12 and 14 when we got married. What I didn't expect was for the 14 year old to move in full time very soon after our baby was born. The other one wanted to too the next year, but I was expecting my second and my husband was away a lot so he said no, though felt bad about it. He did move in at 16 when the older boy moved out.
Our relationship has been fine and they accepted me. No resentment as far as I could tell. We were never particularly close, maybe because they were boys, and I still see them occasionally now even though their father died just before our seventh anniversary and they are in their 30s with kids of their own. I do wish they had made more of an effort with my son who has had a very bad time since the start of the pandemic but they don't seem to care enough.
But in my case yes I would choose to be a stepmother.

No, I wouldn't do it again. I love my partner and I wouldn't now change it for the world but if you put me back at the point I met him knowing what I know now, I would walk away. It's so sad to see so many others on here agree but it makes me feel less alone in feeling this way because I have been so judged for saying it in the past "If knew then what I know now I never would have". It's not received well and I wouldn't say to my partner either as I know he'd be hurt and probably be crushed with guilt.
I mirror OP, it has been truly traumatising at
times. There's a toxic ex involved. You know it's going to be hard but you don't realise just how hard, I'm amazed we got through it all. We have come out the other end, we're getting married and things are way better than they used to be but there's still issues and I guess there always will be. It's been been really hard fought to get here have lost some of myself to it to be honest. I'm kind of numb when it comes to the step kids and I'm not as invested as I feel maybe I should be but I'm just happy to be an extra adult in their life and not much else. I can't give my whole self for so little in return ever again and I'm going to stop beating myself up for not loving them, I treat them well and see them as family but I can't force a love for them I don't have.

No

No. Kids are fine but ex wife is not and it has a huge detrimental impact on our lives.

I don’t think it’s something you can actively choose. When I met my now husband I knew he had kids, and he was main co-parent. We started dating and I accepted that he & his kids came as a package. I like to think of myself as a bonus mum to them and I just see it that my kids were born before I met them. It’s as challenging as it is rewarding, and it is very rewarding.

Of course you actively choose.

You actively chose to be in a relationship with your dh, progress that, get married and so on.

They are all active choices

I think what she means is that people don't tend to think "when I grow up I want to be a stepmum".

I always said I'd never date a single dad because I'd heard so many horror stories about psycho ex's etc. So it's not something I actively went looking for and if anything I actually avoided it.

I've known DH since we were 12 and when we first got back in touch I thought it would just be a casual thing. Obviously it didn't quite go that way and yes I actively made a choice then to get into a relationship with a man with children and thus be a step parent, but it's never what I intended initially. Given the choice I'd do it all again. He and the kids are definitely worth it despite the much feared psycho ex!

No - I wouldn’t choose to be an SM.

I have been in my DSC’s lives for over 9 years. In those 9 years my OH’s narcissistic, toxic EW has done everything she can to alienate the kids father & me.

I have a great relationship with the younger boy (now 14).

The 17 YO SD is a different kettle of fish. The SD was 8 when I met her - she’s a complete stranger to me, hostile, generally unpleasant to be around and also displays toxic traits (I’ve really tried with her but it’s completely pointless).

Good luck to anyone getting into a SP role with a hostile EW. It will test your relationship as well as your mental health.

I think I'm definitely one of those people who'd have said no way to the idea of dating someone with kids or having children with them. It's a choice in that sense

Definitely not and I've known this from a young age because I was a step-daughter aged 6.

@AlDanvers I think they maybe choices but it's rarely a informed choice.

The man you go on a date with maybe brillant. Most people don't spend or live with DSc until it's serious, that in turn usually ramps up contact with the ex wife. The husband is one variable in a marriage. In a blended family there's the husband, the ex wife, the DSc or children from previous relationships, the wider family that have a much bigger impact on the marriage working than many would be happy to admit.

Most people don't think DSc maybe actively against you from the off (maybe because they want their parents together, maybe because of what you represent, maybe because the ex says stuff - the list of reasons can be endless) a lot of people don't think oh the ex wife will or could make merry hell in my life as people tend to hope of think of the best.

Many people go into marriage knowing the statistics on failure rates. That's a choice to get married. But you can't control what other people do and you can't ever foresee it either. The marriage may fail due to nothing to do with one of the parties. Most people don't think my bf/future husband will shag that girl from work and we will get divorced.

People in second marriages are no more to blame or have the ability to predict the future that people who get married for the first time.

Let's not subtly blame people for not being mind readers or mystic Meg. Unless of course you can predict the future and I take it all back and may I ask for the next lottery numbers.

Out of interest (I'm a step child) although adult now 😂 why ?

I have often seen people say they wouldn't be a sm because they had a awful sm but that's always felt quite contradictory if the sm was evil and it's all 100% her fault.

Obviously you don't have to share just genuinely curious.

But the question isn’t who have a life long ambition to be a step parent. Or who really wanted to be one. So that would make no sense. If you choose to get with someone for a serious relationship and they have kids, then you are choosing. My statement was as simple as that.

@namechangenacy you read far too much into my post. I know how blended families work. I wasn’t blaming f anyone subtly, or otherwise. That doesn’t mean it’s not a choice to be a step parent, no matter how well or how badly it works out. Where did I say you were choosing the outcome or choosing the behaviour of others?

Where did I say that choosing to get in a relationship with someone that had kids, means you have to accept poor behaviour from exs or kids?

The comment I responded to said it wasn’t a choice. Of course being a step parent is a choice. No one has to be a step parent. How you managed to twist that into ‘so if it goes tits up it’s your fault’, I have no idea.

As you said, No one can predict how any of their choices will pan out. Marriage often involves others, even without a blended family. How many thread are there about problems with in laws, often not predicted. Problems that are impacting and splitting up a marriage.

I could start a new job next week and in 6 months the company goes under. It was my choice to apply, interview and accept a job there. But it wouldn’t mean that I should have been able to predict it would go tits up.

I didn’t discuss blame. So, let’s not twist peoples posts, make up your own narrative then tell someone they shouldn’t be saying something you completely made up.

@AlDanvers you came on to a thread about sp asking if they would be a step parent again if they had a choice.

"You said well being a step parent is a choice" . Which is subtle code on this board repeated over and over - well you chose this situation esp when the poster is struggling and asking for help

Which is completely not what this thread is about. It's for step parents to share if they would chose it again.

But I'm ever so sorry if my post has offended you somehow esp since I agree with your premise but disagree on the nuance.

Either this isn't the purpose of the thread so let's not derail it further shall we 😊

No, definitely not for me, couldn't think of anything worse, l think women go into it very naieve. I also wouldn't want a step parent for my two. I preferred bringing them up myself.
I often wonder if the step kids had a choice what they would say?

Ah you get your say but it’s derailing if I respond. You derailed or by making up your own story about what I said.

what subtle code? I have been on this thread since it started. I know what it’s about 🙄

It’s about ‘would you chose to be a step parent’.

You have read something into my post, I didn’t say. I didn’t even hint at and wasn’t my intent. You reading something into my post is about you….not me. I can’t do anything about that, nor am I responsible for it.

You didn’t offend me. You just read my post and made up a story that I said something else. Which was factually incorrect.

You say you disagree with the nuance? The title of the thread is would you choose to be a step parent. Anyone who is a step parent, chose it. Nowhere does that sentence suggest that you also chose the outcome. Read the actual words people write. Rather than applying your own fantasy nuance and translating into a secret code that you decided everyone else is writing in. That way threads wouldn’t get derailed.

@AlDanvers gosh your really getting het up.

Since you read the title of this thread and been here since the beginning

I'm sure you saw the question op asked "If you had your time again would you choose to be a step parent?"

And many step parents sharing whether they would or wouldn't.

Then you posted well being a step parent is a choice. Which is your opinion, some share some don't. But actually has 0 to do with question op posted.

It's like coming on to a post about what can people do about climate change and commenting saying that you think the world is flat. Your entitled to share that opinion, but have gotten very upset if people call out the relevance of that statement or even that that opinion you hold isn't a fact but nearly a opinion. Which is a shame as the internet and forums like this are filled with people who won't hold the exact same opinion as each other and manage to engage with each other nicely.

Sadly a lot of step parents on here have heard that same line used as a way to silence or shame a poster several times on this board (usually by someone who has no idea what being a step parent is like). But as I said I'm very sorry if my words have offended you 🍪

I didn’t anticipate some of the challenges that have been experienced so far, at all. Of course went into the relationship knowing my partner has children.

But in the same way everyone knows being a parent is hard but doesn’t really know until they are one, the same is true of being a stepparent. You hope you’ll be one for whom it is easy and breezy, nobody hopes to have a challenging life.

A definite no. My last relationship was with someone whose son was in his late 20s but still this impacted significantly on our relationship. I haven't got any kids. Was a sweet man. Never again.

Clueless here, can you explain reasons why it's so hard ?

Constantly having someone's ex in your life. Some are better than others, some make life difficult. Can't plan holidays without checking with the ex etc. Ex bad-mouthing you to the kids. Ex sending inappropriate messages to your partner or constantly calling.

Partner pandering to his ex and cancelling plans with you because the ex has asked him to have the kids last minute when it's not his time.

Court battles over custody, money. Ex stopping dad seeing the kids out of spite.

Partners expecting your to provide childcare but you're not allowed to discipline or have a say in how they are parented.

Dealing with differences across the 2 houses. Try explaining to a 5yo why she can't have a pot noodle for dinner even if her mum lets her at her house. 🙄

If you have kids, having to manage differences in how you parent to how your partner parents.

Doing all the hard work making costumes for the school Xmas show but not getting to actually go because the 2 tickets per child goes to their biological parents.

I haven't experienced these all myself but they are pretty common themes on the step-parenting board. Personally I find being a stepmum very rewarding but I'm lucky to have a supportive and understanding partner. The ex is a nightmare and even with boundaries in place there's certain things that are going to always be an issue. I truly love my DSD like my own but I live with the worry that one day her mum will turn her against me.

In the main differing parenting styles. My partners to an extent, because of an initial inclination towards being a Disney Dad, but mostly their mothers. Her take on parenting is lax and it badly impacts their behaviour, which is stressful to manage.

I didn’t anticipate kick offs over me being involved nor did I anticipate immediate kick offs when I stepped back. I wouldn’t say I was ever overly involved, just present and interested. I’m a bit less present now, but still interested. I do 1:1 things with my child, he does 1:1 things with his, we all do things together and so on.

I didn’t anticipate the children repeating comments which were clearly shitty, hurtful comments made by their mother or their mother’s side of the family. I didn’t think adults actually did that, I never have re my ex and his partner to my own child.

But we are happy. The children all get along well bar the usual squabbles children have etc. So it is all worth it, but it takes work.

Hey namechangenacy - no I don't mind at all. In my case it was a stepfather (bio dad long gone) who made my life a misery- puts me in mind of animals in the wild who will reject/kill offspring that are not their own - imo humans aren't that different when it comes down to it. I'm sure I was a walking living reminder of my mother's sex life before his arrival.

I don't really want to go into in more detail than that on MN but it was shit and affected me for life.