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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
BobLemon · 19/01/2022 15:11

The holiday thing is a fab idea. I love my DSC to bits (3 of them) but it makes me feel a bit sick that, on top of paying for them, I’m paying a WHOPPING premium for my own holiday!! I’m child free… I should be grabbing term time short haul bargains, but instead I’m paying 4 hotel money for a 1 caravan Envy

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 15:30

@Coronawireless

So - to get this straight - the advice on this thread is not to work together to mutually support all of the children, accepting that this may be tricky initially due to the age difference and the different households, but to pit one child against another and fuel ever increasing competition as to who gets what, thus ensuring poor relations between everyone (including the hapless step-siblings) down the line. Lovely!
I think you’ve missed the point.

The father is putting children against each other in how he allocates his resources. The OP is not happy that her child is always the one who loses out.

It’s not about age differences or anything else. It’s about a father who thinks he only has to contribute towards 2/3 of his own children. The OP had been contributing to parties and presents for the SC.

A situation where daddy thinks that you don’t need presents or a party for your birthday, a couple of weeks after he’s gone all out to ensure your half siblings gets that, is what will cause poor relations.

Because he is treating one of his own children as the poor relation. And weirdly some people think that’s fine.

candlelightsatdawn · 19/01/2022 16:20

Because he is treating one of his own children as the poor relation. And weirdly some people think that’s fine.

Or weirdly justifiable. If this was switched about I doubt anyone would be saying SC are to young to appreciate a party.

There would be a hunt for blood but since it's a RC on receiving end it's oh cool well just get them a ping pong ball from Poundland and don't complain you knew what you were getting into 🤮

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2022 16:52

It's interesting that this is thread is fairly unanimous - doesn't it all depends on how the op and her dh split their finances? We don't know how they do it. If it's (2 extremes coming up to highlight my point)
A) the dh pays for all bills/food/mortgage and the op pays for all stuff child related. Or
B) 50/50 or pro-rated on everything including everything for their ds.
Almost everyone on this thread has decided it's B, in which case, yes, he's an arse. But we don't know that.

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 16:59

@arethereanyleftatall

It's interesting that this is thread is fairly unanimous - doesn't it all depends on how the op and her dh split their finances? We don't know how they do it. If it's (2 extremes coming up to highlight my point) A) the dh pays for all bills/food/mortgage and the op pays for all stuff child related. Or B) 50/50 or pro-rated on everything including everything for their ds. Almost everyone on this thread has decided it's B, in which case, yes, he's an arse. But we don't know that.
I'm pretty sure OP would have mentioned if they had a legitimate agreement where he paid all bills and she paid all child related expenses. Why on Earth would any of us assume that?
Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 17:01

@arethereanyleftatall

It's interesting that this is thread is fairly unanimous - doesn't it all depends on how the op and her dh split their finances? We don't know how they do it. If it's (2 extremes coming up to highlight my point) A) the dh pays for all bills/food/mortgage and the op pays for all stuff child related. Or B) 50/50 or pro-rated on everything including everything for their ds. Almost everyone on this thread has decided it's B, in which case, yes, he's an arse. But we don't know that.
I don't think so, when it comes to your child's birthday? Even if OP generally covers day-to-day costs for her son, that doesn't extend that to stuff like gifts, surely? Especially when OP is contributing to her SC's gifts?
arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2022 17:17

@aSofaNearYou
That's the thing. Assumed. Everyone has just assumed that 50/50 of parties is how they'd normally do it. Maybe they do. I'm just surprised no one else on the thread has asked the question.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 17:17

If this was switched about I doubt anyone would be saying SC are to young to appreciate a party.

I bet everyone made a massive fuss about their birthdays when they were toddlers. Father included, I imagine.
I’m glad you’re making sure your DC is made a fuss of on his birthday OP. They’re only little once.

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 17:19

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@aSofaNearYou
That's the thing. Assumed. Everyone has just assumed that 50/50 of parties is how they'd normally do it. Maybe they do. I'm just surprised no one else on the thread has asked the question. [/quote]
Like I said, it's not remotely surprising that nobody has asked, because if it had been a prior arrangement OP would not have been angry and she would not have made the thread. It would have been a massive drip feed. I'm honestly surprised you'd expect anyone to ask that question.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2022 17:20

@Glitterygreen
I just thought of it because that's how exdh and I split finances. He earned 90% of our pot so paid all the bills DD. I earnt 10% and paid for more everyday stuff because it was me who organised everything. So, yes, I would have paid for all expenses for dc birthdays.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2022 17:23

@aSofaNearYou
You never know on mn! Did you read that thread whereby the op complained that she did all the morning school runs? Every. Single. One. Cue unanimous support her dh was an arse. Much later on in the thread it transpired that was all she did, and the dh did everything else and brought in all the money!

fulanigirl · 19/01/2022 17:47

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@aSofaNearYou
You never know on mn! Did you read that thread whereby the op complained that she did all the morning school runs? Every. Single. One. Cue unanimous support her dh was an arse. Much later on in the thread it transpired that was all she did, and the dh did everything else and brought in all the money! [/quote]
I think it's because had a previous thread where she discussed how they manage their finances that most people remember.

Op said that they split bills 50/50 and but they don't mix their money.

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 17:47

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@Glitterygreen
I just thought of it because that's how exdh and I split finances. He earned 90% of our pot so paid all the bills DD. I earnt 10% and paid for more everyday stuff because it was me who organised everything. So, yes, I would have paid for all expenses for dc birthdays. [/quote]
But that is just whatifery of the least helpful kind.

The OP has posted here because she has a problem with her husband not paying anything towards their child. There’s clearly been no agreement that it’s how they’ll do things.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 19/01/2022 20:22

Doesn't op deserve to have happy memories of her only child's birthday? Instead she's dealing with feckless Disney dad and his totally shit attitude towards his own child. I wonder how many of the posters saying that the younger childs birthday doesn't matter and the dads behaviour is fine, also did NOTHING for their own child for their 2nd/3rd birthday, cos hell they won't remember it anyway. If you didn't do anything for your child's birthday, yet you could have done, sorry that makes you a shit parent.

Please tell me you've taken your share of the money out of the savings op? Do it asap. Every penny that you've put it.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 20:29

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬

OP posts:
sassbott · 19/01/2022 20:36

@HighDowny

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬
Good for you! This is an update I’m totally behind on! I’ve just read a little of the thread and cannot believe some of the comments you’ve receivedZ

Good for you @HighDowny!

fulanigirl · 19/01/2022 20:36

@HighDowny

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬
Good for you op
TheGoldenWolfFleece · 19/01/2022 20:38

Good for you!!

BreakingGood45 · 19/01/2022 20:38

@HighDowny

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬
Enjoy!
sofakingcool · 19/01/2022 20:39

@HighDowny

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬
Oh good!
funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 20:44

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬

Yay! I’m so glad! I hope you all have a wonderful time. You and your DC deserve this.

Has your H said anything about it?

OnceUponAThread · 19/01/2022 20:49

Glad you booked your holiday OP, good on you.

I can completely understand why you're absolutely livid. I would be too.

In fact I think I'd probably consider leaving if he didn't see sense / change his ways.

If this carries on when DS is older he's going to think DH doesn't love him as much as his brothers.

Absolutely awful to spend so much on elder children that he can't contribute anything to DS.

Terrible message to all of them.

Mydogmylife · 19/01/2022 21:05

@arethereanyleftatall

Hmmm I think it kind of depends. If he's got no money, he's got no money. Did you discuss finances c before deciding to have a (3rd for him) child? Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?
But he managed to have money for his either child though? Surely all should be treated the same
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 21:07

@funinthesun19

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬

Yay! I’m so glad! I hope you all have a wonderful time. You and your DC deserve this.

Has your H said anything about it?

He doesn't know. I've still not spoken to him. I just can't right now I'm still too pissed off to have a conversation. I'll tackle it tomorrow.
OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 19/01/2022 21:09

@Tattler2

It sounds as though this is a case of yet another man reproducing more children than his finances and income will allow him to adequately provide. These kinds of discussions should have been had prior to his deciding to have yet another child. Limited resources mean that uncomfortable and unpleasant decisions have to be made. Xmas and Birthdays for infants and toddlers are not particularly meaningful to the child , so if cut backs and limitations are necessary that is a reasonable age and stage to make those cut backs. It is tied solely to the father's lack of resources, and the age of the children. It has nothing to do with the maternal parentage. The moms of these various children are certainly free to provide as much or as little as their resources and inclinations permit.
Ye gods, you really don't get it do you