Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:48

His excuse was also that Christmas had just been. Christmas where I reminded him he again went mad on DSC but contributed nothing to DS's presents. I paid for every single one and I also bought some things for DSC too.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 22:52

What an absolute dick. You and your son deserve so much better. This is dealbreaker stuff because he’s made it clear where your child lies in his priorities - painfully low - and you’ll keep thinking about it.

Tbh after he spent nothing on your son for Christmas I’d have nailed down his birthday but it sounds like it’s an ongoing issue and you must have hoped he’d step up this time.

I’d be having serious thoughts.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/01/2022 22:53

I couldn’t be with someone who treats his children so differently.

Sorry OP. Flowers

PinkSyCo · 18/01/2022 22:53

To be honest a 2 year old would probably prefer a nice day out to a boring family party, and they will definitely not appreciate a £100 cake. Saying that it is off that your DH hasn’t kept any money back at all for his youngest birthday. Has he not even got him a present?

Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:54

@PinkSyCo

To be honest a 2 year old would probably prefer a nice day out to a boring family party, and they will definitely not appreciate a £100 cake. Saying that it is off that your DH hasn’t kept any money back at all for his youngest birthday. Has he not even got him a present?
No he hasn't. He didn't contribute a penny to his Christmas presents either.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/01/2022 22:54

The party will be £100, not the cake for God's sake!

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2022 22:54

Hmmm I think it kind of depends. If he's got no money, he's got no money. Did you discuss finances c before deciding to have a (3rd for him) child? Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?

Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:54

It's not a £100 cake either. That is for food, a cake and some balloons.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 18/01/2022 22:56

I think Op meant present/cake/party was £100 in all, not just the cake.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 22:56

To be honest a 2 year old would probably prefer a nice day out to a boring family party, and they will definitely not appreciate a £100 cake.

She said £100 for the whole thing, not a £100 cake Hmm

And you don’t know what her son will enjoy, she’s his mum and she does. Even if her child will be oblivious she’s allowed to want to celebrate. She’s allowed to expect his father to chip in.

Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:56

@arethereanyleftatall

Hmmm I think it kind of depends. If he's got no money, he's got no money. Did you discuss finances c before deciding to have a (3rd for him) child? Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?
I don't really give a shit what he thinks he owes DSC or why to be perfectly frank. It's his sons birthday and he's not given any thought to how he may even contribute slightly to his birthday? And his answer to that is "well don't do anything for it then". How fucking shitty of a father is that. And it obviously didn't apply when he went into debt to pay for DSCs birthday, happily I'll add.

Even I contributed to DSCs Christmas and birthday!

OP posts:
D0lphine · 18/01/2022 22:57

@arethereanyleftatall

Hmmm I think it kind of depends. If he's got no money, he's got no money. Did you discuss finances c before deciding to have a (3rd for him) child? Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?
He's got no money he's got no money.

Is this a joke!?

You know the kids birthdays are coming and you have ALL YEAR to save for them. He is an adult man for gods sake.

In my opinion he should save up the same amount for each child's birthday but by bit throughout the year. That's what normal people do.

You must be so angry- like speaking to a teenager.

sillysmiles · 18/01/2022 22:59

Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?

He may feel that, but if he does its bollocks!

Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 23:00

There are a few niggles in our marriage that I've always been happy to work through but my son playing second fiddle is absolutely not one of them. I'm so annoyed about it.

He'll be getting himself into more debt to appease his dad guilt for a third child he doesn't live with if this is how he's going to be.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 23:00

If he's got no money, he's got no money

Do you imagine he’s found himself skint before his older DC’s birthdays?

Did you discuss finances c before deciding to have a (3rd for him) child?

What?

Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?

He’d be an idiot if he thinks that, and so would anyone who agrees with that. It’s not OP’s child’s fault he has two half siblings. There’s no justification for him missing out on normal childhood stuff, like birthdays, that his siblings get.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 23:01

Even I contributed to DSCs Christmas and birthday!

Knock that on the head immediately.

sillysmiles · 18/01/2022 23:01

@highDowny - is this a symptom of his general parenting style? You do everything for your DS, and do some stuff for your dsc?

Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 23:01

If he's got no money, he's got no money

Well this is exactly it isn't it. He should have made sure he had some bloody money. Our son's birthday is on the same day as last year.

Miraculously he didn't forget he needed some money aside for SS's birthday. Oh no.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 23:02

@AnneLovesGilbert

Even I contributed to DSCs Christmas and birthday!

Knock that on the head immediately.

I will be. Not a penny now.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2022 23:03

Your marriage is doomed. Sorry, but it's the truth.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 23:03

I’m glad you’re having a party anyway. Not sure I’d let him attend.

Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 23:04

@Aquamarine1029

Your marriage is doomed. Sorry, but it's the truth.
I don't disagree right now.
OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 23:06

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m glad you’re having a party anyway. Not sure I’d let him attend.
Oh I will definitely be having the party. I feel like not doing tbh. Although DS will want him there so I'll have to. Although it will piss me off no end watching him play the doting celebrating Dad knowing he was happy to scrap it all.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 23:09

You’re right to be hurt, angry and considering your options.

I’d be fucking raging.

I’m a similar position with a two year old and two older DSC. It doesn’t have to be like this. DD has had two lockdown birthdays so this year we’re having a party and DH is incredibly excited, making plans, inviting people and talking about balloons. She’s looking forward to it too as she’s been to other people’s parties but even if she wasn’t we’re celebrating 3 years of being mum and dad together, which is a big deal and worthy of effort.

I’m just so sorry you’re getting so much much less than you deserve.

CrazyOldBagLady · 18/01/2022 23:10

He already knows the younger child won't miss out because you will pay for it.