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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 12:43

I understand cutting back if money is tight but to me that is cutting back across the board. So doing less for DSS's birthday to ensure you can still do something for DS. Not spoiling one child spending all your money and then cutting back by doing nothing for the other.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 19/01/2022 12:43

That's pretty haunting actually as a mentality.

It's a deeply ingrained fear, the fear of your child being sacrificed. It makes what seems small (to Tattler) actually huge for the Mother.

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 12:45

@SpaceshiptoMars

That's pretty haunting actually as a mentality.

It's a deeply ingrained fear, the fear of your child being sacrificed. It makes what seems small (to Tattler) actually huge for the Mother.

Yes.

And actually it should be horrifying for us all.

Tattler2 · 19/01/2022 12:45

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SpaceshiptoMars · 19/01/2022 12:46

The clue, to me, is that SS went on to receive 'exactly the same from his Mum'. Competitive parenting, or the fear of being rubbished/humiliated for not spending sufficient.

Coronawireless · 19/01/2022 12:46

People are seriously comparing this scenario with deliberately starving a child to death in Africa?
Okey-doke.

HighDowny · 19/01/2022 12:48

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BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 12:49

@HighDowny

I understand cutting back if money is tight but to me that is cutting back across the board. So doing less for DSS's birthday to ensure you can still do something for DS. Not spoiling one child spending all your money and then cutting back by doing nothing for the other.
That is the response of a person with normally functioning emotions and social skills. Yes.

Because, this isn’t the kind of hideously extreme circumstance where people are making decisions about such limited food that it’s a case of one person starves to death quickly or we all do more slowly. It’s a father who could very easily ensure he buys birthday presents for all his children.

It’s actually worse than the starvation example. That’s an act of desperation in dire circumstances. But he’s got money and is using it to benefit only two of his three children. They get big presents and parties. But he doesn’t bother with his youngest.

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 12:52

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Iwonder08 · 19/01/2022 12:54

OP, you are absolutely right. In your shoes I would do either of these things:
-Divorce so DH has to contribute just like he does for DSC (it would be preferred option to me)
-be more formal with the financial arrangements for your son, I. E. Agree on the budget beforehand, confirm with him he is committed to provide 50%of the cost, chase him when he doesn't do it beforehand. I suspect it won't go smoothly, I would ask a very direct question-why is he discriminating against your son in favour of his other children? It is complete nonsense about little children needing less.. If he doesn't want to buy toys he can put the money into a savings account for your little one

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 12:54

@Coronawireless

People are seriously comparing this scenario with deliberately starving a child to death in Africa? Okey-doke.
People are seriously comparing not wanting your husband to spend nothing on your child with being jealous and resenting your step children?

You are reaaaaally not the authority on who is jumping to stupid conclusions here

Mumoblue · 19/01/2022 12:54

I don’t blame you for being mad at your husband.
He needs to be prioritising all his kids.
Not buying his own son a birthday present?

He sounds completely irresponsible with money if he hasn’t got the forethought to realise that all of his children have birthdays. 🙄

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 13:06

Fuck it. Talking to a friend now about booking a term time holiday with our DC.

I'll just take the money that I've paid into our savings for what was supposed to be our joint holiday in the school holidays.

He'll have to make whatever is left stretch if he wants to go away in the summer 🤷‍♀️ guess if he can't afford it he won't be able to do it. Oh well.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 19/01/2022 13:11

This sounds like the DH's mentality is:

OP's DSS - gets £200
DS - gets nothing

When really the DH should have said:

OP's DSS - gets £100
DS - gets £100

Advocating for any other split is not fair on one or other of the DC! If resources are limited, they should be shared, rather than one DC be deprived of their share entirely. It makes no sense, and age is a weak rationale; at what point would young age stop being a factor? I guarantee the NRP didn't behave like that when OP's DSS was the age their DS is now.

MrsDrDear · 19/01/2022 13:16

@HighDowny

Fuck it. Talking to a friend now about booking a term time holiday with our DC.

I'll just take the money that I've paid into our savings for what was supposed to be our joint holiday in the school holidays.

He'll have to make whatever is left stretch if he wants to go away in the summer 🤷‍♀️ guess if he can't afford it he won't be able to do it. Oh well.

Go on the holiday, things are never going to change.

He sounds like he wants to be the big 'show dad' to people on the outside.
He doesn't give a fuck about people on the inside.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/01/2022 13:27

If you were both saving for this family holiday-does that mean your money was again being used for his benefit so he hasn’t got to spend as much taking his DC away? Yep-take your money out and go with your friend-will be more relaxing anyway

Deadwould · 19/01/2022 13:31

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BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 13:32

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BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 13:34

The man’s youngest child is not getting the best deal. He’s being punished because his father hasn’t dealt with the emotional aftermath of his divorce.

HighDowny · 19/01/2022 13:34

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Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 13:36

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

If you were both saving for this family holiday-does that mean your money was again being used for his benefit so he hasn’t got to spend as much taking his DC away? Yep-take your money out and go with your friend-will be more relaxing anyway
Yes I was saving toward a family holiday including DSC in summer holidays (despite DS being free for most of it due to his age).

Don't know what he'll do without my money but not sure why I should pay toward DSCs holiday when he won't even pay towards his child's birthday. Guess he'll have to "cut back" and do something within his new budget.

Will have a nice amount to take DS somewhere special in term time ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 13:39

I wouldn't have even minded if he'd have been like "you know I've been a tit and have overspent on Christmas and DSS birthday would it be alright if you covered DS's stuff and I'll give it back/do something else when I get paid" or whatever.

It's the snarky "well don't do anything if you can't afford it". That's his own child he's talking about. On top of the fact the only reason he can't afford it is because he did more than he could afford for his other sons birthday! You couldn't make it up.

OP posts:
Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 13:40

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Chilver · 19/01/2022 13:44

Have you had the explicit conversation with him along the lines of ' You have three children. How are you budgeting equally for all three for holidays, birthdays, clothes etc?'

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 13:45

@HighDowny

I wouldn't have even minded if he'd have been like "you know I've been a tit and have overspent on Christmas and DSS birthday would it be alright if you covered DS's stuff and I'll give it back/do something else when I get paid" or whatever.

It's the snarky "well don't do anything if you can't afford it". That's his own child he's talking about. On top of the fact the only reason he can't afford it is because he did more than he could afford for his other sons birthday! You couldn't make it up.

What's his argument when you tell him this?