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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 20/01/2022 19:13

Good for you for standing your ground & looking out for your son. At least he knows he won’t get away with this in future.
It doesn’t bode well for your relationship though if he won’t even admit to being wrong.

BurntToastAgain · 20/01/2022 19:30

Thing is, you know that he’s full of shit about the birthday because he didn’t buy his youngest anything for Christmas either. He focused his means only on his older two.

He’ll just have to save harder if he wants to take his older children on holiday, won’t he. And admit that he’s still not thinking as a father of 3.

The fact is, his response wasn’t that he wanted a family holiday with everyone. No it was that his older children would miss out if you didn’t subsidise it. He’s still seeing your child as your sole responsibility.

None of it bodes well.

TryingToBeLogical · 20/01/2022 19:47

When you take away an entitlement that people are used to having, they fight back. When you are firm against their first attempt, they fight back harder and use even more guilt to try and recover it. You have to endure this period without caving in and it sounds like you are doing so without stepping in any pitfalls he couple potentially twist to use against you. It might help to think through potentially guilt-inducing things he could possibly say to you in an argument about the holiday, and try to pre-plan responses for them.
It feels good when you come out on the other side intact. Good luck.

candlelightsatdawn · 20/01/2022 20:10

Interesting. He thought he was totally in control ie she has to do what I want (aka not contribute to DS) and allow me to focus on SC.

Now you took some of that control back In monetary form, he's like oh no heat of the moment thing.

Bet he's gonna guilt shit out of you because it's his last weapon of control. I also suspect he will be trying to play nice until he gets the control back.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm betting your tired in your bones and want this to end. You have created a forum boundary, now is the time to defend it because your tired and he will know it so defences lower.

Remember no moment or staying neutral is a choice. Don't feel the need to fix this, even if that means you just tuck yourself and DC away together for a bit until your stronger.

candlelightsatdawn · 20/01/2022 20:11

Ffs auto correct

**firm

*movement

😩

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/01/2022 20:27

He meant it fine enough the other day.

And he now knows it isn’t so fine with the shoe on the other foot.

Let him think on it.

While you have a lovely evening with your boy Flowers

BurntToastAgain · 20/01/2022 22:47

It’s not even the shoe on the other foot.

He actually feels entitled to a subsidy for treating his other children. But won’t do it for his youngest.

Removing a subsidy that makes it easier for him to Disney dad it up with his other children is not the same as expecting him to actually contribute financially to all his children.

I hope he is capable of actually reflecting upon just his wrong he’s been getting it, @HighDowny.

GettingItOutThere · 20/01/2022 23:07

@HighDowny

Honestly I'm so mad every time I think about it.

I was even considering taking out everything I've put into the savings for our annual holiday and just taking me and DS in term time on our own. He might not have enough then to take DSC in the school holidays but evidently it's not my problem.

i would take your money out full stop - regardless what you do with it!

fwiw i would be as pissed off as you OP, its the principle, he is treating both his children differently - not okay!

Have separate accounts, but this would be a dealbreaker for me

timeisnotaline · 21/01/2022 03:51

He meant it, as others said Christmas makes that clear. Well done standing your ground and pointing out how shit his behaviour is- he has no comeback as it’s so obviously unfair.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 21/01/2022 07:00

He absolutely did mean it. And if you accept he didn't mean it, why is he using your child against you in an argument?

Don't you dare cancel that holiday!

I wonder what he was like as a dad when he was with his ex.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/01/2022 08:46

Well done. Stay firm. As others said, he did mean it, as shown at Christmas and I would say that to him. Definitely do not cave.

wildseas · 21/01/2022 09:38

In your position I’d listen really carefully to what he’s saying now. He’s not saying “where am I going to get money to take my 3 children on holiday” he’s saying “where am I going to get money to take my 2 children on holiday”.

And I’d now just leave things completely be. He’s said he didn’t mean it. If that is true he will give you half the money for the party and buy his son a gift. Without you having to remind or nah him.

Newestname002 · 21/01/2022 09:53

@HighDowny

In fact I might just go mental on DS on his birthday. Fuck it.

I was even considering taking out everything I've put into the savings for our annual holiday and just taking me and DS in term time on our own. He might not have enough then to take DSC in the school holidays but evidently it's not my problem.

You've every right thing to think this way, OP, and I'm glad you've booked to go away with just your son, your friend and her DC.

Just ensure you have a firm grip on your finances however, (and ensure he can't access your funds) as it very much looks like you'll be needing that to set up a future without your "D"H in it. 🌹

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/01/2022 18:42

girlmom21

"He's just a shit dad isn't he? It's not about the favouritism. It's the complete lack of regard for his child. Is this why he separated from SC's mom?"

OP
"I don't know tbh."

"I think the fact he is separated from her though forces him to do these things if that makes sense? Because mum isn't in the same home papering over the cracks. He can't get away with no paying for birthday or Christmas presents for DSC because it would starkingly obvious that he hasn't bothered because they are in separate homes whereas with us it's not."

"Same with clothes, he buys DSC clothes (rightfully obviously) because he can't get away with not doing because Mum isn't there to do it."

That's actually worse in my eyes. It's calculating, isn't itSad? He factors in whether his shitness will be noticed or not. If it will be noticed he won't do it. If it won't (because you will pick up his slack rather than have your son upset) then he'll choose to be shitty. It's like a variation of not being sorry you did wrong, only being sorry that you got caught IYSWIM.

He doesn't actually care about his older children, he just cares about looking bad. And I'm sorry, but I don't think he cares about your son eitherSad. I'm not sure he cares about anyone other than himself.

Bonheurdupasse · 25/01/2022 11:39

@TryingToBeLogical

When you take away an entitlement that people are used to having, they fight back. When you are firm against their first attempt, they fight back harder and use even more guilt to try and recover it. You have to endure this period without caving in and it sounds like you are doing so without stepping in any pitfalls he couple potentially twist to use against you. It might help to think through potentially guilt-inducing things he could possibly say to you in an argument about the holiday, and try to pre-plan responses for them. It feels good when you come out on the other side intact. Good luck.
This is very useful - OP please consider this.
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