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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 18/01/2022 23:12

@CrazyOldBagLady

He already knows the younger child won't miss out because you will pay for it.
Yes this is exactly it I think. He doesn't think about it because he knows I will and so thinks all his money can just be blown on DSC instead.
OP posts:
Greenfields124 · 18/01/2022 23:12

He sounds awful.
You are right to be annoyed what a shit Dad.

PinkSyCo · 18/01/2022 23:13

No he hasn't. He didn't contribute a penny to his Christmas presents either.

That’s ridiculous and I would be so upset if I were you. Sounds like he’s got a lot of guilt there and so is playing Disney dad to his other children but that is no excuse for not treating the child you have together the same.

HeckyPeck · 18/01/2022 23:18

That's so shit of him.

If you contribute an amount to a joint account for joint bills I would let him know you'll be deducting X amount until his half of birthday and Christmas is paid.

I'd also be rethinking any contributions you make towards things for the DSC.

He can't have it both ways.

RoyKentsChestHair · 18/01/2022 23:18

He'll be getting himself into more debt to appease his dad guilt for a third child he doesn't live with if this is how he's going to be

Honestly this might be the only thing that makes him realise what he’s doing here. I’d tell him that as he’s not bothered about contributing to your DS’s birthday he can fuck off and spend the day elsewhere. And then at least for this birthday he can see what it’s like to be NRP for his 3rd child too. Your DS will be having enough fun with the rest of his family around and can see his dad later. Twat.

Shiteshow100 · 18/01/2022 23:20

Yeah I don't blame you, I'd be fuming!!!
Stop paying for anything for his other child.
I would probably leave him personally as this would definitely breed resentment towards the step child which isn't fair. But That's natural, He needs to treat his children fairly

Tiredtiredtired100 · 18/01/2022 23:32

Your husband sounds awful but it also sounds like you need to try to come to a clear agreement about jointly paying for your son and not bring up costs after the fact but agree a budget together.

It is truly sad though, for your son. My DP has kids of his own and my son is not his, but he still went all out at Christmas for him and kept worrying incase things seemed unequal. They weren’t as I bought my son more expensive things and his kids less expensive ones, whilst he bought them the more expensive things and something reasonably priced for my son. We talked about Christmas, budgets, ideas and gifts we had bought for months leading up to Christmas (obviously not the only topic of conversation) and this is why it worked.

happinessischocolate · 18/01/2022 23:36

@RoyKentsChestHair

He'll be getting himself into more debt to appease his dad guilt for a third child he doesn't live with if this is how he's going to be

Honestly this might be the only thing that makes him realise what he’s doing here. I’d tell him that as he’s not bothered about contributing to your DS’s birthday he can fuck off and spend the day elsewhere. And then at least for this birthday he can see what it’s like to be NRP for his 3rd child too. Your DS will be having enough fun with the rest of his family around and can see his dad later. Twat.

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
SunshineOnKeith · 18/01/2022 23:41

What does he say when you point out that he's bought one of his children absolutely nothing for birthday/Christmas?
How does he justify the favouritism?

I'd be asking at what age he thinks it's reasonable for a parent to celebrate Christmas/birthdays with one of their children but not the other?

Starseeking · 18/01/2022 23:52

I'm so sorry to hear your DH behaved in that way towards his own SC @HighDowny. Even though his DC live elsewhere, he should be treating them all equally. Your DH not contributing towards your joint DC presents/celebrations at Christmas and birthday, while spending a fortune on his own DC to the point of going into debt smacks of him elevating his DC into priority status, and yours as a second class citizen.

It's wrong on every level, and if your DH continues to behave that way, it'll breed resentment and anger. Speak to him about it in a couple of days, and try to elicit exactly what he thinks you should be doing to celebrate your joint DC, and how he can support that. If he's not willing to do that as an initial step, then I'm afraid I agree with what @Aquamarine1029 said.

Winterautumn · 19/01/2022 00:05

Arrange the party for when he can’t go

sassbott · 19/01/2022 00:14

@HighDowny there is another thread on here about contributions towards presents. Your scenarios sound identical.

Bluntly, he’s doing what he’s doing because he knows you will step up and not let your son go without. He knows that fact and is fundamentally exploiting it.

It’s really messed up and the fact that he’s doing this doesn’t bode well. This is not how a semi decent human being / father behaves.

It wouldn’t surprise me if this is a part of a wider problematic set of behaviours on his part.

StopStartStop · 19/01/2022 00:34

Excuse me, but who is this piece of shit who won't pay towards his own son's presents and party?

Someone said 'Your marriage is doomed'. Kind of. When you get your son away from that nasty man who uses his older children as an excuse not to support his youngest, you'll be creating a 'win' for you and your child.

SocialConnection · 19/01/2022 00:45

The separate bank accounts bit is extremely relevant here, isn't it - looks like the party business is just one small drop in an ocean of issues.

VioletLemon · 19/01/2022 00:53

Oh no, this is so upsetting for you. These issues are very difficult to navigate. If you feel. DH is lovely, a good Dad, kind and trustworthy then it's worth the effort of clearing time for you to lay out your upset and distress. Tell him there's no way a difference can go on. Is he very guilty about not living with DS, trying to compensate in the wrong way, does he just think its no biggie as DS is unaware in his eyes as so young?
You need to be very honest with him and if you feel there are real deal break issues then maybe you need to walk away now. If he doesn't think there's a problem with the inequality then he needs help or a new life.

Flynnqwer · 19/01/2022 01:07

This is one of the first threads I've read, including many of actual abuse, where I genuinely think I'd leave there and then.

Rangoon · 19/01/2022 01:18

We have largely separate bank accounts and we have been married for nearly 30 years. Five years or so we got a joint bank account for paying bills but we contribute equally for that. We have always shared expenses for our children jointly. I just don't understand the Mumsnet pooling of money concept except perhaps if you were a stay at home parent. In the OPs case I think separate bank accounts has proved to be a very good idea.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/01/2022 01:18

"(money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) "

So not paying for DS's birthday, not paying for DS's Christmas - just part of an overall situation, not the only financial crap that's going on?

He's just told you that you and your son are nowhere near the top of his priority list. Believe him. He's telling you who he is and who he will always be. Now - what are you going to do about that? How are you going to protect your son from knowing that his dad prefers his older half-siblings to him? Because he will work it out.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/01/2022 01:25

@SocialConnection

The separate bank accounts bit is extremely relevant here, isn't it - looks like the party business is just one small drop in an ocean of issues.
Eh? We have separate bank accounts and have no issues at all
imoutofhere · 19/01/2022 02:20

@HighDowny

There are a few niggles in our marriage that I've always been happy to work through but my son playing second fiddle is absolutely not one of them. I'm so annoyed about it.

He'll be getting himself into more debt to appease his dad guilt for a third child he doesn't live with if this is how he's going to be.

This!

buddythemum · 19/01/2022 02:44

This thread shows that likely he is aweful. I do see other point that is different point of view but would need his side. My best friend is a step mum and she realises dads side to do his best by all his kids but it is impossible tj be equal with money so easy to get judged

timeisnotaline · 19/01/2022 03:13

Dealbreaker. It would be hard to ban him from the party but I’d send him out and do cake and presents with ds on my own for the birthday itself with just us two. Send him a photo and tell him that’s how it will be when he’s a single dad of 3.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/01/2022 03:15

Be kind. Tell him not to worry about Christmas and birthday gifts for your child because next year you will take it out of child support.

Bearsar90 · 19/01/2022 03:17

I'd feel exactly as you do.

I'd just tell him straight that it's totally unacceptable and if he's got no money that's fine, he can contribute to it next month.

SquarePeggyLeggy · 19/01/2022 03:25

My Dad paid for my half-siblings to have braces. When it came time for mine, he said it was too expensive. I’ve never forgotten it and how it made me feel.
This kind of thing will happen again and again, and one day it will be when your son is old enough to notice.

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