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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
BobLemon · 19/01/2022 21:10

@HighDowny

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬
Good for you! Glad to hear it, I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time.
OnceUponAThread · 19/01/2022 21:13

I'd strongly suggest everyone just ignores Tattler rather than @ing or quoting. She does this on every step-parenting thread and I keep hoping if everyone ignores she'll go away. I can only presume she's in it because she's either projecting or looking for a reaction...

TheWickedStepmum88 · 19/01/2022 21:18

OP, you sound like a brave person and a good mother. Your son is lucky to have you.

FHmama · 19/01/2022 21:22

Good on you! Where are you going nice? Smile

ilovegravy · 19/01/2022 21:24

YES! I'm so glad you have booked this holiday and you are showing you will not accept this disgusting behaviour from him! You sound like an amazing mother!

Bonheurdupasse · 19/01/2022 21:33

@HighDowny

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬
Well done OP! Steel yourself for your DH's reaction. No matter what, don't cancel this holiday.
RandomMess · 19/01/2022 21:35

He needs to deal with his Dad guilt and crap parenting or your marriage isn't going to survive.

Sounds like he needs to contribute something monthly towards your shared DS treats, clothes and gifts seeing as though he is incapable of budgeting Angry

Glad you booked the holiday!

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 19/01/2022 21:51

Hope you and your little lad have a lovely holiday OP 😎

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2022 23:13

So pleased you’ve booked a lovely holiday!

TheTeenageYears · 20/01/2022 04:37

I'm glad you've booked your holiday OP you obviously knew there would be compromises in setting up life with someone who already had DC but there is only so far that's reasonable.

It seems like you are in for a lifetime of pain/constant battle if something doesn't change now. How unfair is the split in finances generally? Are you paying more than 50% of your life together generally and paying for everything DS related? How did things work when you were on maternity leave, who paid for all the baby related stuff? I can't help but wonder what DH brings to your relationship and that of your DS? Is there a big difference in your earnings? I think you need to weigh up if living as a single parent will be financially and otherwise beneficial for you which it could be if you are subsidising a larger property than you would require for just you and DS. If DH is cash strapped is he making up with effort on other ways or are you just expected to do it all and pay half or more than half of your joint lives?

Sally872 · 20/01/2022 07:53

Your dh is not only treating your child less than his older dc's he is treating his 3rd child less than you are treating his older two children!! You are more considerate to your dsc re gifts than he is to his own child!

I doubt he loves them any differently he just knows you will cover him for your dc which is not fair.

Enjoy your holiday.

cherryonthecakes · 20/01/2022 07:59

@HighDowny

I've booked the holiday with DS, my friend and her DC 😬
I'm really excited for you Smile
RandomMess · 20/01/2022 09:58

Don't be surprised if "indulging" his older two is not just about guilt but also his ego.

If you want any chance of his behaviour to change I strongly suggest marriage counselling.

BurntToastAgain · 20/01/2022 10:13

@RandomMess

Don't be surprised if "indulging" his older two is not just about guilt but also his ego.

If you want any chance of his behaviour to change I strongly suggest marriage counselling.

Almost certainly. It makes him feel like superdad.

The toddler is doubly disadvantaged because he is almost framed as the thing to feel guilt about (or part of it) - you can see this logic in some of the replies here. And being younger there may be a less obvious ego boost compared to giving older kids big birthday and Christmas treats. Again, this logic that it doesn’t matter because toddlers don’t appreciate it, features in several of the bizarre responses here.

Even more so because he knows that the OP will step up and do it for their child anyway. So he’ll be able to glean whatever superdad feelings he can from that (especially as everyone but the OP will assume he is equally responsible).

None of this is at all good for the OP or the small child here.

RandomMess · 20/01/2022 10:44

Also keeping everything all about his older DC keeps
It all about him. Focus on your DH wants and needs with yours being ignored.

Your need for the DC to be seen as equal and treated fairly and appropriately. All him about him.

girlmom21 · 20/01/2022 10:44

This holiday won't go down well.
Good luck OP.

Ellie56 · 20/01/2022 17:21

I agree he won't be happy about the holiday especially when he finds out you've taken money from the pot that was going to be for the family holiday.

But all you have to say is, "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it."

Santahasjoinedww · 20/01/2022 17:32

Remember when dh kicks off your - dc needs at least 1 dp to be putting his needs first..

bigbeatmanifesto · 20/01/2022 17:45

I don't understand why he has money for Christmas, money for his other child's birthday but not money for his youngest child?
Such a shitty thing to do.
He's obviously used to you paying everything for your DS so doesn't factor in needing money for him because he knows you'll do it anyway. Selfish beyond belief.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 20/01/2022 17:51

Enjoy the holiday. When he complains, make sure to quote himself back at him.

He’s not a catch at all. You sound like you’d be better off without.

Original poster
HighDowny · 20/01/2022 18:43

Hi all sorry to come back to the thread so late.

As expected he wasn't happy about the holiday. I got the whole speech of woe is DSC not being able to have a holiday now, taking it out in them blah blah. Honestly I do not care at all though. I just feigned confusion and said obviously if you can't afford it you won't be able to do it.

Apparently he didn't mean that and wouldn't let DS have nothing for his birthday, it was in the heat of an argument and he said it without thinking.

I honestly don't know what will happen. In a weird way I can't be arsed to even think about it right now. Just want to spend the evening with DS. Feel tired from it all now I spent so much of yesterday feeling so upset and angry about it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2022 18:54

Yes complete DARVO, pile on the guilt and play victim.

He needs to step up and be an adult.

Keep calling him out on his poor behaviour.

Thanks
sassbott · 20/01/2022 18:58

Yup, classic move.
It’s always a convo of I didn’t say that/ I didn’t mean it/ I was just frustrated/ I don’t remember that/ you’ve blown it out of all proportion.

As opposed to ‘I’m so sorry I said what I did. It was a dick move. I’ve upset you and as a result you’ve now booked this holiday. What a mess.’ (I call that taking responsibility for the shit show he single handedly created and full well knows he did).

He’s also gone straight to ‘victim’ mode with the play of his poor children. So he’s gone one up from not taking responsibility and straight to ‘port me’. All designed to make you feel like shit.

Stick to your guns. Keep posting. This is when you’ll see his true colours and what you’re actually dealing with.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 20/01/2022 19:02

Given your son is only 2, I'd probably not have the party purposely to disprove his theory that YOU will take care of all the birthday stuff.

I utterly DISGUSTED that he didn't buy a gift for his own son 😡

Starseeking · 20/01/2022 19:06

@HighDowny

Hi all sorry to come back to the thread so late.

As expected he wasn't happy about the holiday. I got the whole speech of woe is DSC not being able to have a holiday now, taking it out in them blah blah. Honestly I do not care at all though. I just feigned confusion and said obviously if you can't afford it you won't be able to do it.

Apparently he didn't mean that and wouldn't let DS have nothing for his birthday, it was in the heat of an argument and he said it without thinking.

I honestly don't know what will happen. In a weird way I can't be arsed to even think about it right now. Just want to spend the evening with DS. Feel tired from it all now I spent so much of yesterday feeling so upset and angry about it.

My EXDP used to do all of that as well when he'd said something heinous. Either I'd misheard him, he didn't say it, or I was a madwoman making things up in my head. The issues were always always me, including that I hated his DS, and never anything to do with him.

I'm sorry to see this update @HighDowny, it doesn't bode well for the long-term success of your relationship.

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