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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
TreacleMoon2 · 19/01/2022 13:47

@HighDowny is the savings account in your name only?

If your DP gets wind of your plans for a term time holiday might he withdraw the money first to protect his precious holiday for DSS?

Muthalucka · 19/01/2022 13:50

I don’t think it’s the money it’s the lack of thought for your son

owlsanctuarydate · 19/01/2022 13:55

I really don't think your son is going to care if he doesn't have £100 worth of cake and balloons (which are awful for the environment anyway). 8 and 10 year olds will actually understand and benefit from what they receive. This is about you and your wants.

MagicKit · 19/01/2022 13:56

Dealbreaker. 100%

fuckoffImcounting · 19/01/2022 13:57

What a shit dad and a shit human being - I wonder if he intends to always scapegoat your DS to make him feel second best. What a fucking prince.

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 13:57

@owlsanctuarydate

I really don't think your son is going to care if he doesn't have £100 worth of cake and balloons (which are awful for the environment anyway). 8 and 10 year olds will actually understand and benefit from what they receive. This is about you and your wants.
He will care if he gets nothing. Try again.
Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 13:58

@owlsanctuarydate

I really don't think your son is going to care if he doesn't have £100 worth of cake and balloons (which are awful for the environment anyway). 8 and 10 year olds will actually understand and benefit from what they receive. This is about you and your wants.
Everything that parents do for their young children is generally about what they 'want' for them...ie, they want them to be happy and have a lovely birthday like their siblings do. They want them to feel the magic of Christmas so they try and make it special for them, even when they are very little. That is what parents do.

Do you have children? Would you really be OK if your partner refused to even buy one of them a birthday present?!

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 14:00

And it is correct that OP does factor into it too. She has a right to expect certain things from her child's other parent. In the same way that we don't say to mothers complaining that her husband doesn't do any night feeds or pull his weight with the child that "this is about you and your wants". He has a duty to her as coparent to share the load.

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 14:00

@owlsanctuarydate

I really don't think your son is going to care if he doesn't have £100 worth of cake and balloons (which are awful for the environment anyway). 8 and 10 year olds will actually understand and benefit from what they receive. This is about you and your wants.
It’s not just about her. It’s about a child whose father only makes the effort for his other two children. That will be enormously damaging in the long run.

And her feeling that this is not ok. And not what a marriage or family should be like is perfectly legitimate.

Seriously does ‘treating children equally’ only apply when it benefits SC. It’s a whole some children are more equal than others thing. And there are so many apologists for this dreadful fathering.

purpleboy · 19/01/2022 14:04

Gosh some people just don't read op's posts do they!
It's not about not being able to afford it's about over indulging and spoiling one child whilst giving the other nothing. Not that fucking hard to understand.
Op I don't know how he can honestly think this is ok. If you want the marriage to survive a very serious discussion needs to happen until either he gets it and things change or you may have to accept you won't be compatible long term.

Bonheurdupasse · 19/01/2022 14:06

OP

Absolutely do this.

You can decide what to do about the relationship but in the meantime with some people the only way to see light is to get a taste of their own medicine. (Although what you’d be doing would not be unreasonable in any case, unlike what he did).
And his reaction to this could tell you all you need to know about the relationship- he could get vicious and show his true colours even more.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 14:12

Money is little compensation for the fact he has gone and lived elsewhere and has a baby with his new girlfriend so your child is still the one getting the better deal

Why do so many people think like this?
The younger child deserves to have a normal childhood without his living arrangements being used against him.
His father will just carry on doing stuff like this and I can guarantee the little one is not getting the better deal. Having a dad like that living with him full time is not a better deal. The dscs get to live a full life where everyone showers them with everything and the OP’s dc gets begrudged stuff by their own father. And by people like you.

Plenty of mothers move on and have babies with someone else. They manage to not put their older ones first to the detriment of their younger ones.

Coronawireless · 19/01/2022 14:12

So - to get this straight - the advice on this thread is not to work together to mutually support all of the children, accepting that this may be tricky initially due to the age difference and the different households, but to pit one child against another and fuel ever increasing competition as to who gets what, thus ensuring poor relations between everyone (including the hapless step-siblings) down the line. Lovely!

2DogsOnMySofa · 19/01/2022 14:14

I'd be raging too op... I think he's also short himself in the foot, after that attitude and comment there's no way id be contributing towards anything for him..

If he wants a family holiday, he pays for it himself
If he wants his ds (your sdc) to go, he pays for it
Sdc birthdays and Xmas he pays for it himself

I'd also be telling him he needs to pay you an allowance for your ds Christmas and birthdays, clothes etc if he's not prepared to contribute towards them.

He'll have to pay cm if you separate anyway - you might be better off emotionally and financially

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 14:16

@Coronawireless

So - to get this straight - the advice on this thread is not to work together to mutually support all of the children, accepting that this may be tricky initially due to the age difference and the different households, but to pit one child against another and fuel ever increasing competition as to who gets what, thus ensuring poor relations between everyone (including the hapless step-siblings) down the line. Lovely!
No, the advice from people like YOU is to ignore and enable the father NOT working together to mutually support all of the children, and pitting one child against another, thus ensuring poor relations between everyone.

It's absolutely laughable how backwards you are getting it.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 14:19

So - to get this straight - the advice on this thread is not to work together to mutually support all of the children, accepting that this may be tricky initially due to the age difference and the different households, but to pit one child against another and fuel ever increasing competition as to who gets what, thus ensuring poor relations between everyone (including the hapless step-siblings) down the line. Lovely!

The alternative is that OP’s dc lives a half life childhood waiting for his father to make an effort with him.
Sounds like a fairytale. Might as well lock him in a tower OP.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 14:19

@Coronawireless

So - to get this straight - the advice on this thread is not to work together to mutually support all of the children, accepting that this may be tricky initially due to the age difference and the different households, but to pit one child against another and fuel ever increasing competition as to who gets what, thus ensuring poor relations between everyone (including the hapless step-siblings) down the line. Lovely!
I've been doing it your way if you care to read the thread properly.

I'm not going to continue though if it's only my son getting short changed by his own father all the time. Why should I?

OP posts:
mrsmigginswiggins · 19/01/2022 14:22

OP do exactly that with the holiday money, please do! You and your DS deserve better than the scraps of whatever your DH deems enough for you both.

I know a family with similar dynamics, the dad funds everything for his older children with his ex and spends all his spare time with them, or working, and the mum is left to fund and arrange absolutely everything for their joint DC and do activities with the little one on her own. She gets really upset that he never spends any quality time with them, and it's always 'well SDC need me to do X activity with them / I'm working sorry'. He was really hands on with the older two when they were small, he hasn't so much as changed a nappy with their younger sibling.

As an outsider looking in, it's weird, unacceptable and dysfunctional, and I really feel for their little joint DC once she gets old enough to notice that her dad puts all his effort and money into her older siblings.

Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 14:22

@Coronawireless

So - to get this straight - the advice on this thread is not to work together to mutually support all of the children, accepting that this may be tricky initially due to the age difference and the different households, but to pit one child against another and fuel ever increasing competition as to who gets what, thus ensuring poor relations between everyone (including the hapless step-siblings) down the line. Lovely!
I don't get it???

Everyone who is saying that OP's child should have received input from his dad for his birthday is saying that dad should have split his money to be able to contribute to all of his children's birthdays....quite honestly, like OP has been doing for her son and SCs? We are saying all the children should be equal priority when it comes to making their birthdays special, even if the spend differs due to age.

The only people who are saying not to work together to support all children are those who are saying it's fine for OP's child to receive nothing from his dad?

rainbowstardrops · 19/01/2022 14:29

What a dick head! Definitely take your money and go on a nice term time holiday with your DS and friend.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 14:33

I think certain posters are spitting their dummy out about the holiday op mentioned.

mommabear2386 · 19/01/2022 14:35

My DH has 3 older kids now (18, 16/15) we have 4 year old together.
Now the older ones do get loads more spent in terms of money for birthday and Christmas. BUT I do justify it as we spend loads on our child way way throughout the year on little trips/ weekends away / swimming / farms etc which we don't take the other.

Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 14:40

@mommabear2386

My DH has 3 older kids now (18, 16/15) we have 4 year old together. Now the older ones do get loads more spent in terms of money for birthday and Christmas. BUT I do justify it as we spend loads on our child way way throughout the year on little trips/ weekends away / swimming / farms etc which we don't take the other.
Yeah but this is completely different.

OP is not arguing that it's unfair the older kids get more spent on them.

She is saying that it's unfair that her husband hasn't saved one penny to put towards their son's birthday while he's splashed out massively on his older ones.

She is fine that more is spent on the older ones as the stuff they want is more expensive - but that doesn't mean dad can check out of the younger child's birthday completely and leave it all to OP?

EKGEMS · 19/01/2022 14:51

I'm really impressed by you fighting for what's right for your little boy,@HighDowny! I'd use the trip with your dear friend and son and do some serious pondering if you would accept this behavior for the next 19 years. Hell you may not need to wait especially once your nitwit husband learns of your plans which I am certain might turn into a nuclear meltdown on his part. Stay strong

cherryonthecakes · 19/01/2022 15:02

@Muthalucka

I don’t think it’s the money it’s the lack of thought for your son
Some people have completely missed that this is the point.

She's not saying you spent £100 on dss so spend £100 on our child or judging the amount spent on dss

She's saying you know when your son's birthday is so set aside some money so he can have a nice day. Obviously we don't know the dad's finances but he saw what OP was planning and could have said that it was too expensive for him to pay 50% or something.

He paid ZERO for his younger child because he knew that OP would take up the slack. She's the one who is acting like a willing member of a blended family by contributing to dss Christmas presents.

Enjoy your holiday OP