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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 08:50

That's it now though, I'm not paying toward a single thing for DSC. If I'm going to have to make up for his shit parenting with DS then I won't be able to afford to. Shame.

Absolutely! It would be ludicrous for you to contribute to your DSC while he doesn't contribute to your shared child.

This still won't make it right though. He should be splitting his money between his three children regardless of whether you're helping with his older kids.

Coronawireless · 19/01/2022 08:57

@aSofaNearYou

Ignore Corona OP, they're an absolute troll on every thread they're on.
Nope. Just cannot understand the resentment so many women feel towards their SC. It’s awful to read.
Starseeking · 19/01/2022 08:58

@Coronawireless

The child is 2 and would be happy with a £5 toy for his birthday. The £100 party is for you, not him! Presumably the older child is at school and had a party for friends which is why the money was needed. YABU. Jealous and unreasonable.

What are you on about? Why shouldn't a 2 year old have a birthday party with family and friends??? Confused Just because they are young doesn't mean they should be ignored!

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 08:59

Nope. Just cannot understand the resentment so many women feel towards their SC. It’s awful to read.

What are you talking about where the fuck have I said I resent my SS? Confused

It's blatantly clear my issue is with DH and not applying the same "rules" to one child as he does to our son i.e. if you can't afford it don't do it.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 09:01

@Coronawireless Your comments are awful to read. You took a post about a man not contributing anything to their child's birthday or Christmas presents and turned it into the OP being jealous and unreasonable and resenting her step children because she wasn't happy to spend £5 on her child whilst the dad does nothing. Absolutely ridiculous, not to mention callous and dismissive of the younger child.

The moral high ground you think you stand on is deep underground.

Starseeking · 19/01/2022 09:01

That's it now though, I'm not paying toward a single thing fir DSC. If I'm going to have to make up for his shit parenting the. I won't be able to afford to. Shame.

If your DH is anything like my EXDP (and he sounds like a carbon copy), this will be the start of the beginning of the end of the relationship. Your DH will resent you doing this, despite it being a perfectly reasonable action to take. You are already resentful, given your posts here.

Been there, done that, it doesn't end well.

Rooroobear · 19/01/2022 09:14

Oh I’d be absolutely raging and would make sure my son opened all his presents without his dad being there. Why should he get to share the joy and take the credit and happily enjoy himself when he was happy enough to deprive his child of a birthday?? Fuck that shit!!!!

Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 09:18

It upsets me so much when parents act like this.

If he didn't have room in his heart and life for a 3rd child then he shouldn't have had one, he should not be treating your son like a 2nd class citizen.

Absolutely appalling that he wouldn't even think to buy him a birthday present or contribute in any way.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:19

You are already resentful, given your posts here.

I actually wasn't and never have been until this. I have absolutely no problem with him spending what he wants on DSS. As I say, I have happily contributed to both Christmas and birthdays for both DSC.

But when the whole reason he doesn't have any money for our sons birthday is because he's done exactly what he's telling me not to (clearly done more than he can afford for DSS) then yeah I am resentful of that.

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 19/01/2022 09:19

Tell him to stay away from the party. And suggest he works on his accounts. When you Ltb he will have to pay for the dc himself via Cms.

candlelightsatdawn · 19/01/2022 09:20

@Coronawireless* The child is 2 and would be happy with a £5 toy for his birthday. The £100 party is for you, not him!
Presumably the older child is at school and had a party for friends which is why the money was needed.
YABU. Jealous and unreasonable*

Weird bit of projection here. I have to ask who hurt you so you think saying these things out loud is ok ? 😵‍💫

Needless to say OP you have one vote for only spending £5 on step kids from this poster and no birthday parties for them going forward right ?

Divebar2021 · 19/01/2022 09:20

I think even if you don’t have the foresight or sense to keep some money back for the birthday you would want to acknowledge the event and consider how to make it work. He could have said he’d pay you back when he got paid for example. Not just a straight “ No it’s not happening “. Presumably he won’t be there blowing up balloons or making sandwiches either? Birthdays are important events and getting together as a family / friends is a nice way to mark it. It doesn’t matter if the birthday boy is too small to know about it he will see photos when he’s older and know he was cherished by the family.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 09:23

Nope. Just cannot understand the resentment so many women feel towards their SC. It’s awful to read.

The OP doesn’t resent the dsc. She resents her husband’s treatment of their joint child in comparison to dsc.
How do expect the op to feel in reality? Joy that her dsc got a nice expensive present and her child got nothing? And I bet that’s just a huge reflection of how he is throughout the year. The op is sick of it.

Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 09:23

It's actually pathetic how people think this is OK because it relates to stepchildren and not all 3 children from the same parents.

It is NOT OK for a father to ignore his youngest child's birthday while going overboard for the older 2. This would not be celebrated or excused by anyone here if all 3 were from the same 2 parents, in fact people would likely be telling OP to get her young child out of that situation as it could affect him badly if (when!) he picks up on that level of favouritism.

It is not about the fact that he is young and doesn't need X amount spent on him, it's about the fact that it hasn't even been a discussion and his dad has completely checked out of his birthday, doesn't care if he gets any gifts or a party?!

He's not taking a stand because he thinks they should spend less, he just doesn't care!!

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:23

It doesn’t matter if the birthday boy is too small to know about it he will see photos when he’s older and know he was cherished by the family.

This is exactly it. I have photos of me on my 1st birthdays with family. It's nice. And not all of them are around anymore either.

It could well be the last birthday my elderly gran sees of DS's.

It's not just unimportant because he won't remember everything and will make do with a pound shop toy.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 09:23

Has money always been a sore subject? Before marriage and DS? Or is this a new thing?

Tell him he can pay you back for his half of DS's birthday out of next months wages if he's overspent this month!

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 09:25

It doesn’t matter if the birthday boy is too small to know about it he will see photos when he’s older and know he was cherished by the family.

My DD remembers her 2nd birthday party, too. How do people think kids learn to be excited about parties?

And if by 2 yo, birthday in a couple of weeks OP means this is actually his third birthday, of course he will be aware! My DD is recently 3 and she might as well be 12 sometimes.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:27

@girlmom21

Has money always been a sore subject? Before marriage and DS? Or is this a new thing?

Tell him he can pay you back for his half of DS's birthday out of next months wages if he's overspent this month!

There have been a few issues in relation to money and what he spends in the past yes. It's never been anything huge though until DS was born.

He just never thinks to contribute to anything for him but will lavish DSC with all sorts. It's all about them and making sure they have a good Christmas, they have good birthdays etc... Deep down I don't think it's because he actually doesn't give a shit about DS or his Christmas/birthday but like a PP I suspect that it's a case of just knowing I won't let DS to without so he doesn't need to worry about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:29

Go without**

He knows full well I'm not going to turn around and not bother getting DS anything or doing anything for his birthday. He's calling my bluff basically. And I can't challenge it because it's my son's birthday and I'm never going to not mark it just to make a point to DH.

But obviously that just comes across as him not giving a shiny shit about it when he goes all out for DSC.

OP posts:
Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 09:31

Deep down I don't think it's because he actually doesn't give a shit about DS or his Christmas/birthday but like a PP I suspect that it's a case of just knowing I won't let DS to without so he doesn't need to worry about it.

It's so frustrating though because in most situations like this SCs also have a mother who won't let them down but that doesn't make a difference to how much SCs receive from their dad (as it shouldn't). How come it's only the younger child who gets left totally to mum to look out for?

I just can't get my head around the total difference in attitude from some parents towards their own children.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:34

It's so frustrating though because in most situations like this SCs also have a mother who won't let them down but that doesn't make a difference to how much SCs receive from their dad (as it shouldn't). How come it's only the younger child who gets left totally to mum to look out for?

Exactly! He'd never be like 'oh I've got no money for DSS's birthday but nevermind his Mum will still get him presents'. In reality they get double everything.

But our son lives with us both so he feels he doesn't need to bother.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 09:35

He just never thinks to contribute to anything for him but will lavish DSC with all sorts. It's all about them and making sure they have a good Christmas, they have good birthdays etc... Deep down I don't think it's because he actually doesn't give a shit about DS or his Christmas/birthday but like a PP I suspect that it's a case of just knowing I won't let DS to without so he doesn't need to worry about it.

I just can't get my head around how you could have had conversations about this and him still come away with the conclusion that this is acceptable, though. I'd have absolutely torn him a new one!

The DSCs mother no doubt makes sure they don't go without. All the children have a mother doing that, not just youngest, there's absolutely no reason for that to factor in. Why doesn't he feel he needs to do something for all his kids?

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:35

I wish I'd saved everything I contributed toward DSCs Christmas and birthday and spent it all on DS now.

In fact I might just go mental on DS on his birthday. Fuck it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:36

I just can't get my head around how you could have had conversations about this and him still come away with the conclusion that this is acceptable, though. I'd have absolutely torn him a new one

We did have a huge row about it. We still aren't taking.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:36

Talking*

OP posts:
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