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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
mummytotwoboys0600 · 19/01/2022 07:42

If I were you before Christmas set a budget and work out how much you are spending on your son for Christmas and birthday and tell him you want x amount and then he can work in that budget.
He is completely spoiling us other son because he feels he has too maybe but that's not excuse and they should most definitely be treated the same.
My DH has two children and I have one son and we have a 1 year old together. We share an account but we worked a budget that we could afford to spend on all children. It doesn't bother me he has one extra, I just feel they should all be treated the same.
Sit down and have a discussion about budgeting for these events and if he needs to he should put money aside

candlelightsatdawn · 19/01/2022 07:51

@GeorgiaGirl52

Be kind. Tell him not to worry about Christmas and birthday gifts for your child because next year you will take it out of child support.
This actually made me openly giggle and it's a good idea.

Ok op I think you need to have a excel spreadsheet, sit down with DH list all out going expenses and ratify them against his bank statements (print them out) check to see where the moneys going but also it's useful for him to see in black and white the money disparity. I put money on it he's thinking oh I didn't spend that much ect and minimising it in his head.

Hard to argue with hard numbers.

I would have a column that says DSC1 DSC2 DC3 and say right each month you set aside x for Christmas birthdays ect and you need to send that to me (where I will keep it in a account until the time comes)

If he rally's agaist this I would say bluntly right we do this or we aren't going to work.

Keep finances separate for the love of god.

I feel your pain and you aren't alone. I have had a similar situation with DH and now we work well (maybe because he's acknowledged he's shit really shit with money and im not) - maybe a side effect of growing up v poor on my part.

Pinkyxx · 19/01/2022 07:51

I have the same situation but the other way round, DD plays second fiddle to step sibs. Dad hasn't contributed to the cost of or even attended DD's parties...

You can paper over the cracks when they are little so they don't know but it doesn't last. They start to notice and question it, which is really hard. The child feels like they aren't good enough. This unfortunately causes significant issues in a relationship between a child and their parent.

candlelightsatdawn · 19/01/2022 07:52

@SquarePeggyLeggy

My Dad paid for my half-siblings to have braces. When it came time for mine, he said it was too expensive. I’ve never forgotten it and how it made me feel. This kind of thing will happen again and again, and one day it will be when your son is old enough to notice.
I'm really sorry this happened to you love.

I can imagine this really did send a strong message 💐

BitcherOfBlakiven · 19/01/2022 07:56

@GeorgiaGirl52

Be kind. Tell him not to worry about Christmas and birthday gifts for your child because next year you will take it out of child support.
Grin brilliant response
Supersimkin2 · 19/01/2022 07:57

DH doesn’t come to the party.

DS won’t miss him in the excitement. You’ll be parenting your son infinitely better long term If you show DH right now what opting out of fatherhood looks like.

DS needs one good parent at the mo - don’t make a drama but make the point.

Blendiful · 19/01/2022 08:02

Definitely don’t pay him anything more for SC he’s taking the pee!

However this would be a deal breaker for me. If that’s how he feels towards his own child because he lives with him he feels he doesn’t have to do it and because you will. I’d be telling him that he won’t be living with him soon so he’ll have to consider that.

Fireflygal · 19/01/2022 08:10

Op, how long have you been together?

I think these examples could be driven by competing with the Ex. If you understand his motivation it might help resolve the issue.

I know this is emotional for you and I would feel like you do but don't escalate the situation by stopping him coming to the party. See if he is open to changing his attitude.

However (as an ex step mum) I see this behaviour if often ingrained and not open to change. He will have his selfish motivations and you are expected to accept it.

AndAnotherNewOne · 19/01/2022 08:11

He's taking the piss. I couldn't get passed this treating his child as a second class add on. I'd warn him our marriage is on the brink if he doesn't start treating his youngest equally.

And do nothing, absolutely nothing, for the DSC when they visit. His kids, he deals with them. And certainly no more of your cash goes on them.

I'm so sorry he's such a shit.

sofakingcool · 19/01/2022 08:14

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

I couldn’t be with someone who treats his children so differently.

Sorry OP. Flowers

Me too

That's really shit OP Sad

Bananarama21 · 19/01/2022 08:21

Are you the poster who didn't want to contribute to dss birthday? I think the issue money is evenly shared out between the birthdays and are considered, I think it will always been a bone of contention as the two brothers have a birthday within a week of each of other. Surely the solution would be to put a set amount aside for dss for his birthday and a slightler higher amount for your ds to cover the costs. It comes across very segregated in regards to his son and your son your a family unit, it shouldn't need to be this hard.

Bananarama21 · 19/01/2022 08:25

Also he needs to be contributing to the Christmas presents. Dh will contribute half towards to presents including 100 for ds1 who is his stepson and the same to the other kids that's how we work it, I then pay the other half.

IncompleteSenten · 19/01/2022 08:27

Tell him if he wants to be a weekend dad to another child he's going about it the right way and wouldn't it be heartbreaking if that's what it took for him to treat his children equally.

Sally872 · 19/01/2022 08:31

That's awful. He can't pay £50 towards his child's birthday! So thoughtless, or entitled if assuming you would sort it. If he is genuinely sorry and embarrassed I could look past it though. Perhaps some sort of monthly contribution to a savings account for his share of Christmas/birthdays/clothes etc might be sensible if he cannot manage his money.

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 08:33

@arethereanyleftatall

Hmmm I think it kind of depends. If he's got no money, he's got no money. Did you discuss finances c before deciding to have a (3rd for him) child? Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?
That is absolutely NOT how being a parent works and if you think it is, give your head a wobble.
SmallElephant · 19/01/2022 08:36

I would be so furious about this OP. How dare he treat your child as second best.

Coronawireless · 19/01/2022 08:38

The child is 2 and would be happy with a £5 toy for his birthday. The £100 party is for you, not him!
Presumably the older child is at school and had a party for friends which is why the money was needed.
YABU. Jealous and unreasonable.

aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 08:39

@Coronawireless

The child is 2 and would be happy with a £5 toy for his birthday. The £100 party is for you, not him! Presumably the older child is at school and had a party for friends which is why the money was needed. YABU. Jealous and unreasonable.
Oh PLEASE.
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 08:40

The child is 2 and would be happy with a £5 toy for his birthday

Did you buy your kids £5 toys for their birthday?

I'm not spending £5 on my son whilst DSC get 100's just because he'd be happy with that.

DSC would have been happy with a sleepover with friends, maybe DH should have done that instead of spending 100's on his party if he can't now contribute a fraction of that to his other sons birthday.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/01/2022 08:42

Ignore Corona OP, they're an absolute troll on every thread they're on.

Coronawireless · 19/01/2022 08:43

did you buy your kids £5 toys for their birthdays

For a 2 year old I would spend well within my budget, yes. And not spend £££ on a party which is mostly for adults.
Older children need a party more. They need to invite friends or they won’t get invited to others’ parties.

AndAnotherNewOne · 19/01/2022 08:43

@aSofaNearYou

Ignore Corona OP, they're an absolute troll on every thread they're on.
Yup.
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 08:45

@Coronawireless

did you buy your kids £5 toys for their birthdays

For a 2 year old I would spend well within my budget, yes. And not spend £££ on a party which is mostly for adults.
Older children need a party more. They need to invite friends or they won’t get invited to others’ parties.

It is within budget. It's not a surprise to him. I haven't just sprung this on him. He even helped me choose the bloody cake. He just hasn't saved for it.
OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 08:45

Hmmm I think it kind of depends. If he's got no money, he's got no money. Did you discuss finances c before deciding to have a (3rd for him) child? Maybe he feels if he's not living with his first two children, he 'owes' them more gift wise?

If he’s got no money, he’s got no money? He should have split his money equally between his children instead of splashing out on one and having none left for the other.
Op shouldn’t have had to discuss birthdays with her husband before having a child with him. She probably thought it was a given that he would buy all of his children birthday presents and cut his cloth accordingly to think of all of them.
And as for feeling like he “owes” them more, the reality is he has 3 children. He owes all THREE the same. His youngest deserves a normal childhood without his living arrangements used against him. You don’t see mums who don’t see some of their children everyday doing this sort of shit do you?

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 08:45

@aSofaNearYou

Ignore Corona OP, they're an absolute troll on every thread they're on.
Yes will do!

That's it now though, I'm not paying toward a single thing for DSC. If I'm going to have to make up for his shit parenting with DS then I won't be able to afford to. Shame.

OP posts:
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