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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So upset by something H said tonight.

265 replies

HighDowny · 18/01/2022 22:46

I'm so pissed off and upset at something H said this evening.

I'll try to cut a longer story short... We have 1 DS together who is 2 and my husband has two older children.

My son's birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. It was my step sons birthday a week ago.

For reasons I won't go into in depth here, we have separate bank accounts.

I asked H tonight if he could send me some money towards DS's present and a little family party we are having (just some food with family but we've got a cake ordered and some balloons so going to be about £100).

Anyway he said he didn't have the money and he was already in his overdraft. We got into a bit of an argument (money is and splitting of it is a bit of a sore subject) and he said "I guess if you can't afford it you can't do it" meaning because I arranged the party I can pay for it all or not do it if I can't.

I am so upset about this. The reason being he is only in his bloody overdraft because he completely overspent on DSS's birthday the other week (yes Inc for a party!).

How fucking hypocritical can you be? I'm so hurt for DS that his own father would be like that over him having a small party and present for his birthday "if you can't afford it don't do it". It's not even costing half what DSS's extravaganza cost.

I will sort it because I won't allow my son to go without but I'm so fucking pissed at him and the blatant favouritism in that statement.

Maybe if he couldn't afford to pay toward both his children's birthdays then his older son shouldn't have had the big expensive birthday if that's how he thinks. But no obviously not, it's only our son that applies to.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 09:38

Does he do things for DS, like take him out or get him treats?

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:39

Honestly I'm so mad every time I think about it.

I was even considering taking out everything I've put into the savings for our annual holiday and just taking me and DS in term time on our own. He might not have enough then to take DSC in the school holidays but evidently it's not my problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:40

@girlmom21

Does he do things for DS, like take him out or get him treats?
No. He might come with us sometimes if we go out but no I can't think of a single time where he has gone out and bought something for DS.
OP posts:
Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 09:40

Could you sit down with him and really impress on him how this has made you feel HighDowny?

I'd be very tempted to take him aside and tell him that he'd made you feel like he just isn't bothered about DS's having a nice birthday, and it feels even worse given you have both just made sure SCs had lovely ones. It's not about the amount spent but the effort put in, and he's put in zero and if it had been left down to him your DS wouldn't even have any presents to open.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:41

I tell a lie he bought him some pyjamas once when he was shopping.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 09:42

He's just a shit dad isn't he? It's not about the favouritism. It's the complete lack of regard for his child. Is this why he separated from SC's mom?

Mummacake · 19/01/2022 09:42

My ex and his family do this to the golden child's siblings. Note the EX. My children are all equal & should be treated the same. Your DP is a prick and clearly needs a talking to regarding this. If he can't treat all his children similarly, then you deserve an explanation and he deserves the door.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:44

@girlmom21

He's just a shit dad isn't he? It's not about the favouritism. It's the complete lack of regard for his child. Is this why he separated from SC's mom?
I don't know tbh.

I think the fact he is separated from her though forces him to do these things if that makes sense? Because mum isn't in the same home papering over the cracks. He can't get away with no paying for birthday or Christmas presents for DSC because it would starkingly obvious that he hasn't bothered because they are in separate homes whereas with us it's not.

Same with clothes, he buys DSC clothes (rightfully obviously) because he can't get away with not doing because Mum isn't there to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 09:45

I've no doubt actually that if we separated he would do the same for DS in terms of birthdays and Christmas. But only because I wouldn't be there.

OP posts:
GiantSpider · 19/01/2022 09:50

Does he realise how upset and annoyed you are about this OP?

PostingForTheFirstTime · 19/01/2022 09:51

Two questions:
How long are you going to continue to subsidise his children from his first marriage by covering his missing contributions to the expenses for your child?
How long do you think you can expose your child to this blatant level favouritism before the child begins to notice?

Oh - a third question. Are you going to invite him to the birthday party? I wouldn't.

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 09:54

@HighDowny

Honestly I'm so mad every time I think about it.

I was even considering taking out everything I've put into the savings for our annual holiday and just taking me and DS in term time on our own. He might not have enough then to take DSC in the school holidays but evidently it's not my problem.

I think this is fair. Why are you saving towards things to benefit everyone when he is only paying towards (and thinking about) his nonresident children?

Certainly taking your contributions out and keeping them separate is important because there’s a significant risk that (just like in the Christmas and birthday presents) you’ll end up contributing to your SC but you’ll end up paying for your child on your own.

I don’t see how a relationship can survive when his attitude is so problematic. And I wish people on these boards would stop excusing problematic behaviour driven by divorced dad guilt. These men need to accept the life circumstances they find themselves in and stop damaging the people around them (including the nonresident children) by acting in these problematic ways.

SMs are so often told that they must accept anything and everything graciously because ‘you knew what you were getting in to’. But the same posters are so often apologists for guilt driven Disney dads. Why are they not told that they knew they were getting divorced as choosing for their ex to be a resident parent? Instead we are supposed to feel sorry for them. I recently had to say to my STBEH that he needs to stop playing the victim because he’s a nonresident parent. Resident parents also don’t get to live with their children all the time. They also have limited or no influence on what the other parents does, even though it affects their household in direct and indirect ways. But they generally have to actually parent and do the hard bits; they don’t get to swan in, Disney dad it up, and then hand them back to do the boring bits.

In many cases they can’t alleviate any guilt or sadness they might feel in that way because they have to actually meet their children’s needs for boundaries and structure and clear expectations and consequences. Even more so because the children’s other parent is not only not providing any of that, he’s undermining her attempts to do so various ways.

Booboobadoo · 19/01/2022 09:55

Does this boil down to him feeling that it's womens work to care for the children and provide for them and he feels a sense of entitlement to this arrangement? His treatment of you and your son is spiteful, unpleasant and cruel - is this because you've challenged him and expected him to step up? I'd really look at how best you can provide for you and your son so you're not reliant on someone who treats you so poorly even though this shouldn't have to happen.

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 09:56

It definitely sounds like there are bucketloads of male privilege and sense of entitlement going on here.

timeisnotaline · 19/01/2022 10:05

@HighDowny

Honestly I'm so mad every time I think about it.

I was even considering taking out everything I've put into the savings for our annual holiday and just taking me and DS in term time on our own. He might not have enough then to take DSC in the school holidays but evidently it's not my problem.

Why not do this? It’s all just your savings, why would you let him take a penny to go on holiday with his other children when he should have savings of his own for that? You can’t seriously be planning to go along with paying not only for everything for your child together but also paying your dp to treat his other children and not yours, while he keeps his own money to ALSO treat his other children and himself?? Seriously? If he kicks off, you just say someone has to show our little boy how much he is loved and seems I’m the only one around to do it, so I’m doing it. You’re welcome .
timeisnotaline · 19/01/2022 10:07

Sorry I may have confused the savings item with another thread, but I would still go and do this. Consider it dhs contribution towards his sons birthday and Christmas since he was born.

MrMrsJones · 19/01/2022 10:07

How old are the step children?

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 10:14

8 & 10.

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 19/01/2022 10:22

It's a bit hypocritical but to be honest your 2 year old won't be that bothered or remember his birthday party so just do something affordable.
You can make a cake and a piñata very cheaply. Do some traditional games to work within the budget you have.

Original poster
HighDowny · 19/01/2022 10:27

@saleorbouy

It's a bit hypocritical but to be honest your 2 year old won't be that bothered or remember his birthday party so just do something affordable. You can make a cake and a piñata very cheaply. Do some traditional games to work within the budget you have.
I can do what I planned to do and will do. The point is my husband should be contributing.

It's not a little hypocritical either. It's entirely hypocritical.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 19/01/2022 10:30

If he's got no money, he's got no money

He spent his money knowing OP will pay as she won't have her son missing out.

Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 10:35

@saleorbouy

It's a bit hypocritical but to be honest your 2 year old won't be that bothered or remember his birthday party so just do something affordable. You can make a cake and a piñata very cheaply. Do some traditional games to work within the budget you have.
So when does this change so that the dad actually does contribute towards his child's birthday? What age will he be important enough to be considered?

He is still old enough to enjoy things, regardless of whether he remembers them.

Starseeking · 19/01/2022 10:40

@HighDowny

You are already resentful, given your posts here.

I actually wasn't and never have been until this. I have absolutely no problem with him spending what he wants on DSS. As I say, I have happily contributed to both Christmas and birthdays for both DSC.

But when the whole reason he doesn't have any money for our sons birthday is because he's done exactly what he's telling me not to (clearly done more than he can afford for DSS) then yeah I am resentful of that.

Sorry if I wasn't clear, I meant you are already resentful based on this post alone, and with good reason!

You are absolutely right to be, your DH should be providing equally for all his DC. The fact that he is not, and sees this as a reasonable way to behave would naturally cause resentment because it's not fair on your DS irrespective of his age.

Second families/DC shouldn't be treated as second class citizens by their parent just because they live with them! Some of these dads NRPs are absent to the DC they live with, while lavishing attention on the DC they don't live with in an effort to present as dad of the year.

Starseeking · 19/01/2022 10:45

@saleorbouy

It's a bit hypocritical but to be honest your 2 year old won't be that bothered or remember his birthday party so just do something affordable. You can make a cake and a piñata very cheaply. Do some traditional games to work within the budget you have.

It's ridiculous to suggest not to bother with celebrating a young DC because they won't remember. They'll see pictures in future years and wonder what happened, and why they were treated less than their dads other DC.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2022 10:52

It's a bit hypocritical but to be honest your 2 year old won't be that bothered or remember his birthday party so just do something affordable.

Plenty of people go all out for their toddler’s birthdays. I’m sure the dsc’s mum (and dad) did when they were toddlers.
The op is doing something she can afford. No thanks to the father.

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