I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

It's not a positive thing to completely ignore your younger child when the older one's arrive. As others have said, this will look very bad to the child who will see the difference.

Where does OP say he completely ignores his other child?

But I doubt she’ll want to throw actual examples to the ‘won’t anyone think of the SC’ crowd.

How convenient.

Is OP going to be happy with her DD receiving 1/3 of her father's attention when the SC are there? Or is she still going to wish they weren't there, because when they aren't there her DD gets all of it?

It's really common unfortunately that when the SM has her own child she just can't tolerate the cuckoos in her nest any more.

@WonderfulYou Look OP hasn't been overly specific as of yet so we're all talking in the abstract. But you responded to a comment saying "all eyes are on them" with "of course they are", suggesting that if that IS what he is doing, you approve.

@sadpapercourtesan

Is OP going to be happy with her DD receiving 1/3 of her father's attention when the SC are there? Or is she still going to wish they weren't there, because when they aren't there her DD gets all of it?

It's really common unfortunately that when the SM has her own child she just can't tolerate the cuckoos in her nest any more.

Are you speaking from experience, or is this just a cliche you've picked up from other people with no experience but a big mouth?

Is it worth my answering that, or have you already made your mind up?

Growing up knowing daddy is only really interested in you when your half siblings aren’t here is dreadful. Even more so if everyone insists that mummy should be ensuring it all revolves around them too.

Don’t be so ridiculous.

I take my nieces out as a treat once a month. During that time I give them more attention than my DD - I’m not ignoring my DD and she doesn’t feel left out. I act interested in what they’ve been up to and how they’re getting on at school more than I do with my DD because I already know how my DDs getting on because I ask her every day.

This is why the grandparents feel they need to buy the same amount for SC and as they do their GC because they share your belief that they must all be treated exactly the same all of the time which is just silly.

@aSofaNearYou if he was completely ignoring his other child then OP would have so - in that case I would say he’s in the wrong but as OP hasn’t said that then I’m not going to assume it.

It's really common unfortunately that when the SM has her own child she just can't tolerate the cuckoos in her nest any more.

Yep. In the absence of any examples whatsoever, it’s very difficult to put this down to anything other than irrational dislike of the SC.

The ‘equal treatment’ should come from their shared parent. And should be related to their age.

And this is why step parents shouldn't be around step children.

You are right that it’s usually step parents who are abusive but I also know some amazing step parents both male and female. I would also love to be a step parent myself.

Just to play devils advocate I have both personal and professional experience of this and I would urge you to consider that the children dodnt ask to be in this situation.
My own children have practically given up on their father after years of being put second to his other children.
My daughter was 14 when she told me she didn't want to attend her siblings parties anymore as she found it too upsetting to watch their big parties while all.she ever had was a card with 20 quid in.

As a pastoral worker in a primary school I also see children who absolutely know that they are on the back bench now there is a new baby and they are so upset and really struggle with their emotions.

I have one child with my husband and I already had 4 from.my previous marriage.
I wonder if dh often just wished it was just us. He probably did especially when the older ones became gobby teens

Sorry no actual advice but I thought it might be useful.

Wishing you all the best.

Yep. In the absence of any examples whatsoever, it’s very difficult to put this down to anything other than irrational dislike of the SC.

Or, it's very difficult not to jump to that conclusion and assume there is no rational reason behind an OPs feelings, if you are already that way inclined and in fact not nearly as balanced as you claim to be...

I understand you have these feelings and it seems they genuinely trouble you. Over time you will develop a new equilibrium, but currently as your little one is at the stage of constant development it's hard to get into a set routine with the dsc their needs are quite different due to the age gap. I can understand why you a bit frustrated with your parents but it sounds like they are trying to be fair

@aSofaNearYou

Yep. In the absence of any examples whatsoever, it’s very difficult to put this down to anything other than irrational dislike of the SC.

Or, it's very difficult not to jump to that conclusion and assume there is no rational reason behind an OPs feelings, if you are already that way inclined and in fact not nearly as balanced as you claim to be...

No because not giving any examples where they are clearly relevant is a deliberate omission. One has to query why.

How do you feel about your DD having two siblings and that’s what they ARE? How do you feel about your DD sharing her Dad with two other children? Because that’s the reality. And how will you feel when your DD can’t do all the activities, have material possessions that she and you will want her to do because her father’s income has to pay for three sets of gifts/activities/expenses for years and years to come.
Tbh if you are not happy with this situation then leave and take your daughter with you. It is NOT your SC’s fault that you resent them. You are the adult. As a child of a step parent, I think it’s awful you use the word resent.

@sadpapercourtesan

Is it worth my answering that, or have you already made your mind up?

I could say the same to you.

I really think they should do more research into this.

When a woman has her own child, and her partner has other children.

The woman has such a biological tie to her own child.
Isnt it very likely that she is going to hate the other children and be jealous them.

She is going to want her own child to get all the love and resources and she is not going to want the other children to have any.

In extreme cases the woman actually wants to kill the stepchild. Aka Emma Tustin

This scenario causes so many problems. And it causes the most problems for the stepchildren.

I believe that step parents should not be allowed around step children at all. They are total strangers to each other with no ties.

They need to think of the children's wellbeing and safety in this regard. Why make children be around an adult that doesn't like them or care about them, and make them be around that adult on a regular basis?

@Mufasa1118

And this is why step parents shouldn't be around step children.

I personally think that step parents should not be allowed to be around step children AT ALL.

Most of the children we hear about being murdered, were murdered by step parents.

It is all too common for a woman to severely dislike another woman's children.

My own stepmother hated me, because I reminded her of my mother. My stepmother ruined a lot of my life. My stepmother was so nasty to me and my brother , that as adults both me and my brother suffer from serious depression.

I would ask you OP to put yourself in your step children's shoes.
They are children. They are having to come around to a house where the adult meant to be taking care of them (you) doesn't like them.

Think about how you are treating them - think about how it will affect their future lives.

I think that's too harsh for step parents not to be around at all but I think you are being very honest and this isn't talked about enough.

My parents separated when we had reached adulthood. My Dad's partner is nasty and vindictive. If they'd have split when we were kids I wouldn't have visited.

@Mufasa1118

I really think they should do more research into this.

When a woman has her own child, and her partner has other children.

The woman has such a biological tie to her own child.
Isnt it very likely that she is going to hate the other children and be jealous them.

She is going to want her own child to get all the love and resources and she is not going to want the other children to have any.

In extreme cases the woman actually wants to kill the stepchild. Aka Emma Tustin

This scenario causes so many problems. And it causes the most problems for the stepchildren.

I believe that step parents should not be allowed around step children at all. They are total strangers to each other with no ties.

They need to think of the children's wellbeing and safety in this regard. Why make children be around an adult that doesn't like them or care about them, and make them be around that adult on a regular basis?

Ah yes I forgot, I only ever struggle being a step parent because I'm secretly a murderous lunatic.

Take it up with the parents if you have such an issue with partners being "allowed" around step children. They're the one's letting their children down by not taking one for the team and staying single.

@WonderfulYou

Growing up knowing daddy is only really interested in you when your half siblings aren’t here is dreadful. Even more so if everyone insists that mummy should be ensuring it all revolves around them too.

Don’t be so ridiculous.

I take my nieces out as a treat once a month. During that time I give them more attention than my DD - I’m not ignoring my DD and she doesn’t feel left out. I act interested in what they’ve been up to and how they’re getting on at school more than I do with my DD because I already know how my DDs getting on because I ask her every day.

This is why the grandparents feel they need to buy the same amount for SC and as they do their GC because they share your belief that they must all be treated exactly the same all of the time which is just silly.

Do you make every second weekend revolve around your niece?

Thought not. It’s not really the same as very clearly being shoved to the bottom of the list because ‘all eyes’ (including yours) should be on you half siblings.

Your DH has more than one child and as they don’t live with you full time then when they come he’s going to of course want to spend more time with them knowing he can spend one on one time with your shared child the other times.

That must be incredibly shit for the shared child to be ditched every time their half siblings come along.

*Do you make every second weekend revolve around your niece?

Thought not. It’s not really the same as very clearly being shoved to the bottom of the list because ‘all eyes’ (including yours) should be on you half siblings.*

Worse than that. 50/50.

It's incredibly ironic that the same people that are shocked that people aren't thinking enough about the struggles of the children then turn around and say "don't be so ridiculous" when you consider the situation from the POV of the RC. Only interested in certain children, it seems.

it would feel like just another thing my DD has to share

What else is it you feel she has to share?