I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@KiloWhat

What you (and many other step parents on here) forget is that your stepchildren aren’t just your stepchildren, they’re your child’s siblings I don't think many step parents forget this tbh.

Nor do they fail to appreciate that they are nonresident half siblings in a complex stepfamily. It’s not exactly the same for all sorts of reasons. It’s not even exactly the same as half siblings where they’re both resident.

Telling SMs to just suck it up and prioritise the SC does nothing to help navigate this stuff.

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@BurntToastAgain are you parents split or divorced out of interest?[/quote]
Yes.

I fail to see in the post what treatment SC have which is superior/unfair to RC?

@Lifeisnteasy

I never see posts such as OP’s acknowledge that the SC are also their kids’ siblings. I see lots of resentment about ‘their’ child missing out, but the only damaging thing will be their child knowing their mum resents their brothers and sisters.

My cousin’s half brother no longer has a relationship with them in adulthood because, actually, the whole prioritising the SC every second weekend - and expecting them to be his priority too - created resentment totally unnecessarily.

I think it is more common than people realise and should be talked about because I think women often don't 'know what they're getting into'

Instead of women being blasted for admitting feeling this way, they should be able to talk about it.

It helps them and it helps those considering relationships with people who have children to understand this can happen and to really think very carefully about whether they are someone who can be in a relationship like that.

Simply attacking someone who is admitting they are struggling is so unhelpful.

@KiloWhat

Essentially your daughter will be living with her mum and dad 24/7 which the step children will not, so I feel it all balances out. balances out?! This makes no sense. They don't need for their parents to somehow "make up" for not being together. There should be no stigma in divorce, it's just a normal thing. No balancing out needs to be done.

I think this is one of the fundamental core beliefs that causes so many "blended families" to fail.

Of course children are hurt and damaged by divorce. Every single time. It's a significant injury to their childhood and their development - being common isn't the same as being normal. Stepchildren almost always have issues related to their family breakdown, especially if they weren't babies when it happened (and often even if they were).

@Lifeisnteasy

I fail to see in the post what treatment SC have which is superior/unfair to RC?

“DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.”

@Lifeisnteasy

I fail to see in the post what treatment SC have which is superior/unfair to RC?

OP hasn't been overly specific in this post so it's hard to say, but what is clear is that YOU were implying SMs should put up with this happening "because it levels out".

@BurntToastAgain that’s OP’s feeling, not an example.

Of course children are hurt and damaged by divorce. I didn't say they weren't. I said there was no need to "make up" for it or act as if there's something to feel guilty about. Their parents decided to get divorced there is no shame or guilt to be felt and the more they act like its a big thing the bigger a thing it will seem.

It’s interesting that so many posters have leapt to OP’s defence without a single example of wrongdoing on the husband’s part. OP are you able to be more specific?

Of course children are hurt and damaged by divorce. Every single time. It's a significant injury to their childhood and their development - being common isn't the same as being normal. Stepchildren almost always have issues related to their family breakdown, especially if they weren't babies when it happened (and often even if they were).

Treating them as victims of divorce causes damage to them.

The outcomes depend on his the parents handle it. Rather than the divorce itself. Conflict is bad for children.

@BurntToastAgain this is what I was trying to say but you said it far more eloquently

I feel for the step children in all this, not a very nice atmosphere for them in their own home.

I really understand your irritation towards not being able to do anything and your parents not being able to do anything unless dsc is thought of too.
Your parents are only trying to be kind I know this, but it must get very wearing not being able to focus on your DD without them bringing DSC up.

@stairway

I feel for the step children in all this, not a very nice atmosphere for them in their own home.

We have no idea what the atmosphere is like.

OP, can you tell us how much is expected of you in terms of caring for your DSC? .. if they are there 50 % time and your on maternity leave I’m imagining it’s abit ? … reading your post I think you’re feeling overwhelmed by pressure of having a baby and impact of two other children around for quite a significant time who you naturally don’t have the same bond with. Needs a practical approach to give you more space .. xx

@Lifeisnteasy

I never see posts such as OP’s acknowledge that the SC are also their kids’ siblings. I see lots of resentment about ‘their’ child missing out, but the only damaging thing will be their child knowing their mum resents their brothers and sisters.

And this from someone claiming to be balanced?

Your posts don't reflect that at all, especially this complete dismissal that there could be anything else in a blended family that is harmful to a RC.

As to "I never see posts such as OP's acknowledge that the SC are also their kids siblings", as I said before, that's because it's obvious, isn't relevant to what they're talking about and doesn't need pointing out? I rarely see step parents acknowledge their SCs eye colour either, because they don't need to point out every detail about them to prove they haven't "forgotten".

I can only assume what you mean is "I never see posta were step parents dismiss the issues they are having because they consider the half sibling bond to be so paramount, and so reliant on their personal actions and feelings, that they would put up with anything". In which case... no. My DD and DSS will have a relationship whether I struggle with being a step parent or not.

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@BurntToastAgain that’s OP’s feeling, not an example.[/quote]
It’s prompted her to post. So I’d imagine she has many examples.

But I doubt she’ll want to throw actual examples to the ‘won’t anyone think of the SC’ crowd.

Growing up knowing that your dad takes you for granted and prioritises his nonresident children is bad for a child. And they do realise that’s what’s happening even from very young.

The man who has chosen to have three children should make sure that he gives them equal time during contact time. Shoving them RC to the side to focus on the NRC is incredibly common. And not fair.

It doesn’t ’balance out’ because they’re not always there. They just know that daddy isn’t interested in them because their half siblings are here.

The saddest thing of all is the adults marry and/or reproduce with the expectation that they are entitled to new or first time fantasy experiences as though these are guarantees or entitlements in any life experience.

They fail to inform their lives through discussion , agreeiments, and recognition of the reality of the situation that they are assuming and undertaking.

The adults involved can ,at any time, walk away from this elective experience. They can get a new partner, new and different children, in-laws, homes, financial situations, etc. Only the children ,cannot get a new or second childhood. That awareness and knowledge should inform all of the adult behavior.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them.

Of course they are.
Your DH has more than one child and as they don’t live with you full time then when they come he’s going to of course want to spend more time with them knowing he can spend one on one time with your shared child the other times.

I think you need to find a way to get over this feeling and treat them more as family else I can’t see this relationship surviving - your child will then become the SC and you’ll see why your DH makes such an effort.

It’s lovely that your parents buy for them but this is quite rare and I’d be telling them to just get them one small gift as they’ll get presents from their other grandparents.

@Tattler2

The saddest thing of all is the adults marry and/or reproduce with the expectation that they are entitled to new or first time fantasy experiences as though these are guarantees or entitlements in any life experience.

They fail to inform their lives through discussion , agreeiments, and recognition of the reality of the situation that they are assuming and undertaking.

The adults involved can ,at any time, walk away from this elective experience. They can get a new partner, new and different children, in-laws, homes, financial situations, etc. Only the children ,cannot get a new or second childhood. That awareness and knowledge should inform all of the adult behavior.

Tattler nobody is talking about first time fantasies. Why do you keep posting such irrelevant comments?

Your DH has more than one child and as they don’t live with you full time then when they come he’s going to of course want to spend more time with them knowing he can spend one on one time with your shared child the other times.

I can’t believe people think this is OK.

Growing up knowing daddy is only really interested in you when your half siblings aren’t here is dreadful. Even more so if everyone insists that mummy should be ensuring it all revolves around them too.

If the sibling factor is so crucial, then actually treating them all equally during contact is the thing to do. What happens when the SC are with their mother is not relevant and doesn’t ‘balance’ anything out.

Of course they are.
Your DH has more than one child and as they don’t live with you full time then when they come he’s going to of course want to spend more time with them knowing he can spend one on one time with your shared child the other times.

It's not a positive thing to completely ignore your younger child when the older one's arrive. As others have said, this will look very bad to the child who will see the difference.

I would never have agreed to have a child with my DP under the pretence that he will treat the situation as though he had two children he didn't live with full time - ie, he will focus on DD when DSS isn't there, and only DSS when he is, as though DD wasn't there to witness that and wonder why it was happening. We need to stop normalising this nonsense with statements like "of course they are". When his other children arrive, he needs to widen his focus, not shift it entirely.

@LolaJune

It does sound a little bit resentful to be angry that your parents showed concern about the gifts they'd purchased for your DC compared to DSC - it was kind of them to consider the DSC to that extent, and begrudging that sounds a little unreasonable.

I guess I wasn't angry at my parents. I understand it's kind of them. I just hate how everyone around DD has to be so concerned about DSC all the time. Her grandparents can't even buy her some nice things at Christmas without worrying about it.

And admittedly yes I'd have been pissed off if my parents then started buying exactly the same amount for DSC (who they don't have a GP relationship with) it would feel like just another thing my DD has to share even though DSC already get it with their mothers side if that makes sense?

I want my DDs relationship to be unique with her grandparents. I know my parents don't FEEL anywhere near the same way about DSC as they do DD but I don't like the idea of them feeling pressure to pretend that they do. What's wrong with DD just knowing and feel special to them? Just like DSC have with their mum's parents.

Op, it’s perfectly valid to express concern about your DD’s presents from her grandparents, as in your parents, having gifts of equal value to your DSC. After all, they are receiving presents from their grandparents, as in their mum’s parents. When it comes to your DH’s parents then yes it would only be fair that your DD and DSC receive gifts of equal value.

It’s ok to give presents to your DD as your DSC are also receiving gifts from their mother as well. However, in the spirit of fairness as your DSC are there 50:50, when they’re not there, your DD would receive undivided attention from your DH and you. So I wouldn’t feel aggrieved when they are there as your DH would then have to divide his attention between your DD and his children from his first marriage/relationship. As long as he is not neglecting your DD and treating her unfairly, it’s ok to share the love and attention because after all they are your DD’s half siblings.

Your DD will always be with you and your DH so you needn’t worry so much, your DSC have had no choice in the matter so it’s only fair that when they are there, that every once in a while, they spend some time with their Dad either with you and your DD or just with him. It doesn’t have to be every single time they’re there, they should monopolize the time with your DH, just once in a while it’s nice for them to spend some quality time with their Dad. Besides, it won’t always be like that, once they grow older, they might not want to visit as much and at least they’ll have some fond memories of spending quality time with their Dad without it leading to any resentfulness…you can spend that with your DD and you won’t have to feel guilty. If your DH is making you feel guilty for spending time with your DD, whilst he’s more than happy to spend some quality time with his other DC, then that is something you will have to address.