I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@mummytotwoboys0600

I feel exactly the same. From the moment my sc walk through the door my mood changes. It feels as if I have two extra children to look after, cook for, clean up after and I massively resent it!

You don't though and your DH shouldn't be allowing the situation to escalate to the stage you feel you are parenting his children.

Other than your joint child with him obviously

@BurntToastAgain

I didn’t initially read it that way. I would expect a parent to be wary of his/her existing children to feel left out when a new child is born - natural family or not - and to take steps to mitigate this. But I can see what you are saying here. If he’s giving so much attention at the detriment of OP and DH’s new DD then I can see how OP would feel that way. Again, it doesn’t need to be all out war - some counselling all round will surely help.

@KiloWhat
If this causes the OP to analyze her own behavior and possible motivations, I third that it will be quite helpful. Saying that she is without question right or wrong, is in my opinion hardly helpful. The OP and her partner might seek counseling to discuss, after the fact, points of views, expectations, and personal values, that should have been discussed before they made the decision to add yet another life to whatever they described or considered to be their joint family unit.

It is not too late to do this, but obviously others should have these discussions, decisions, and agreeiments prior to adding another life to what sounds like a relatively fragile mutual understanding.

[quote Magda72]@Tattler2 that's a pretty harsh post & not really fair to op.
Not all women feign interest in a man's dc in order to nab him!!!! Rather I would say that it is yet another example of society's & individuals expectations that women will actively like & assist ALL children that has so many women feeling obliged to spending time with a man's dc. I also think a women taking an interest in a man's dc is often wildly misinterpreted (by him & others) as her wanting to mother them, & many men pursue relationships mistaking a woman's mild affection for their dc as "loving them like her own" & when that doesn't prove to be the case he conveniently forgets his dc already have a mother & takes all the frustration of his mismanaged expectations out on his partner/wife.
Women feel very wary about speaking up about children in general & many relationships wouldn't get very far if the women said "I love you & your dc are fine but I'm not that interested in spending huge amounts of time with them". Most men & a lot of women would judge her; think she's less than; consider her cold etc. because most people (wrongly) see their dc as extensions of themselves - if you don't love my dc then you don't love me - & think that all women should feel inherently maternal (to all children) when the truth is that most don't.

You can like children without being maternal.
Women do not feel free to express any opinion on all this because it's still considered unfeminine & hard to say "meh, I can take or leave your dc".
The reason men (by your logic) don't feel the need to have overt interest in their partner's dc is that women (generally) actually understand biology & DO NOT EXPECT their partners to feel the same way as they do about their dc.[/quote]
I agree that Tattler’s post was harsh and not necessary right now but at the same time, surely if someone doesn’t want to continue a relationship because you’re not a fan of spending time with their kids that’s fine? If anything it’s better to get it out early?

@KiloWhat
Correction : to think rather than to third

@BurntToastAgain
Couples look at common occurrence in financial circumstances when trying to work through budgets and financial planning. They look at these occurrences and situations ad possibilities even though they have never experienced them. Why would new or first time step parents not plan and approach in the same way?

In this day and age with information overload, it is unlikely that any reasonably intelligent person cannot and shouldn't be aware of the plethora of potential positives and challenges that come with step parenting, child birth, blending etc.

The "I did not know" is only a excuse for " I chose not to know or disclose. &

@LolaJune my only advice is for you and your DH to go to counselling. From the little you have told, all was fine with the 50/50. That dynamic worked.
Baby arrived, DH over compensated as suddenly he has to make up to his non resident children for having a resident child.
As the mother to the resident child this leaves you with a dynamic where for a period of time, there is a simpler family life. Then for another period of time there is a more complicated family life which sees odd dynamics come into play.

The them and us is the worrying part. As you are ‘siding’ with your DD. He is ‘siding’ with his NR children. This is causing a real divide in the team that should be the core team of the household, you and your DH.

None of here know the ins and outs of what is going on in the home. But if not addressed by some very real work by you and your DH, this won’t miraculously get better. If anything your battle stances will likely get more entrenched as your DD gets older and more aware of family dynamics.

The "I did not know" is only a excuse for " I chose not to know or disclose.

You can't know a feeling until it happens

I should add. It’s biological programming that you prioritise your child. And that you are also protective over her. Anyone who expects you not to is fairly stupid. The person who needs to figure out how he operates in a way that is both consistent and fair to all 3 of his children is your DH.

[quote sassbott]@LolaJune my only advice is for you and your DH to go to counselling. From the little you have told, all was fine with the 50/50. That dynamic worked.
Baby arrived, DH over compensated as suddenly he has to make up to his non resident children for having a resident child.
As the mother to the resident child this leaves you with a dynamic where for a period of time, there is a simpler family life. Then for another period of time there is a more complicated family life which sees odd dynamics come into play.

The them and us is the worrying part. As you are ‘siding’ with your DD. He is ‘siding’ with his NR children. This is causing a real divide in the team that should be the core team of the household, you and your DH.

None of here know the ins and outs of what is going on in the home. But if not addressed by some very real work by you and your DH, this won’t miraculously get better. If anything your battle stances will likely get more entrenched as your DD gets older and more aware of family dynamics.[/quote]
Very well put. This 100%.

I just hate how everyone around DD has to be so concerned about DSC all the time. Her grandparents can't even buy her some nice things at Christmas without worrying about it

Who says they can't, where is the pressure to be equal in terms of your side of the family/friends etc coming from? If it's DH then I agree that counselling might help him and you deal with how you both feel and try and find something that works, if it's assumed the DC will notice, has anyone spoken to them? I have half siblings and at Christmas etc I never actually expected to receive anything from my (wonderful) step mothers family, even though they did get me a little something which was really thoughtful. Things did at times get more complex in regards to my dad, but that was for us to navigate.

I think it's partlythat DD is still so small - as she gets bigger and goes out into the world, nursery /school, I think you will feel less concerned - also the SC must look like big lolloping adults compared to DD.
In a non-step family the little ones usually get loads more attention than the older ones - that's just what happens, especially when they are cute and little. They usually get more presents as it's so much easier to buy a little plastic toy than something a 13year old would want.

I hope the amount of people who can relate to your feelings on here brings you some relief OP. I had a lot of pent up frustration about the sort things you're talking about in my early years of step parenting, and I honestly think the main reason for it was the total isolation - the feeling that you can't talk to anyone about this because they'll just tell you you're a bad person. The feeling that nobody around you has any idea bow frustrating it actually is. They have no experience of it and make it feel worse, even your parents.

But your feelings are normal and common. Visiting this forum has really helped me to process that and come to terms with it. Therapy might have a similar effect but I haven't tried that!

On specifics - it's hard to tell whether your DH is focusing excessively on the older kids without examples but you do give the impression he is. If he's making you feel like you have to be thinking about them all the time, applying any guilt trips, or focusing entirely on them whenever they're there then there is a problem and I think you need to tell him just how detrimental this is to your actual relationship with them. It's honestly baffling to me how these dad's don't see that coming and try to avoid it. They MAKE their children a source of irritation for their partner's.

@LolaJune This must be tough.

What is your DH doing that makes you say he's constantly prioritising the SCs? Could you talk to him about how it's making you feel the need to prioritise your daughter and it's just going to cause problems between you?

Sorry if I've misunderstood but do the sc need much attention at 9 and 13. My 13 Yr old needs a prod to eat / drink / get dressed / washed etc but not much else.

They aren't little themselves.

If you did one thing with them for an hour or two a week giving your partner time with dd would that help.

I’m 36 now but my parents divorced when I was 5 so I grew up with step parents. Please don’t resent your step children. It feels truly awful. It sounds like the issues you are having aren’t even coming from them at all but other family members. I mean they are 9 and 13 for God’s sake. I’m sure they don’t expect to get the same treatment as an 18 month old literal baby! Can you really see a 13 year old complaining that his 18 month old baby half sister got more Christmas gifts than him/her from HER grandparents?? Please just make sure you direct your concerns to the people actually causing the issues and not the kids themselves.

Side note my half sister was born when I was 14. I adore her and we are best friends.

I totally understand how you feel OP.

When I met my husband he had a two year old. He had split up with the child’s mother a year before we got together. I liked children so thought it would be fine. I thought I knew what I was getting myself in for but I honestly had no idea. Every time we had time off together and every time we went on holiday my husband would want his daughter to come. This would have been ok but she seemed impervious to my efforts to build a bond with her. It was extremely hard work and was for years actually.

Once we had our own child it didn’t get easier but I put my foot down about the holidays. I explained that she had a mother too and it was not just our responsibility to ensure she had a holiday. So we compromised that she would come with us every other time we went away.

Over the years as she grew I just accepted that we weren’t going to have a close relationship. It was like a one way street of me making an effort and getting nothing back. I withdrew emotionally and just did what I needed.

As she got older though it got easier and I started having a lovely relationship with her. She’s nearly 30 now and we get on well. She’s a lovely person and I feel lucky to have her in my life.

I was lucky that my husband was incredibly patient with me over the years.

Hang in there OP, it will get easier💐

I’m from a step family myself and we have step families within the step families… so I can be quite objective.

I don’t feel your parents have to buy the SC the same amount as their blood granddaughter. A token gift would be appropriate - a selection box, bed socks, that kind of thing.

What you (and many other step parents on here) forget is that your stepchildren aren’t just your stepchildren, they’re your child’s siblings and it will be hugely beneficial to her to foster as close/good relationship with them as possible. In fact it’s actually rather selfish to only view them as their role in your life rather than their role in your daughter’s.

So I think you need to grit your teeth when it comes to your husband’s inclusion of his kids.

Essentially your daughter will be living with her mum and dad 24/7 which the step children will not, so I feel it all balances out.

What you (and many other step parents on here) forget is that your stepchildren aren’t just your stepchildren, they’re your child’s siblings and it will be hugely beneficial to her to foster as close/good relationship with them as possible. In fact it’s actually rather selfish to only view them as their role in your life rather than their role in your daughter’s.

This is a very odd thing to say. No step parents on here forget this (and might I add it's pretty hard to when posters are constantly mentioning it at as if it's news to them) it just makes absolutely no difference to the situation at hand. Yes they're siblings. Yes they have a relationship which their dad facilitates. Why would that make any difference to the step parents feelings and experiences?

What you (and many other step parents on here) forget is that your stepchildren aren’t just your stepchildren, they’re your child’s siblings I don't think many step parents forget this tbh.

Essentially your daughter will be living with her mum and dad 24/7 which the step children will not, so I feel it all balances out.

Ah, the ‘the RC should be grateful for whatever they get’ argument for making the SC the main priority. 🙄

Do people imagine that the SC get put in a box when it’s not contact time, so they must fit an entire life into every second weekend? Or does the life they have with their mother not even anything out?

I never see posts such as OP’s acknowledge that the SC are also their kids’ siblings. I see lots of resentment about ‘their’ child missing out, but the only damaging thing will be their child knowing their mum resents their brothers and sisters.

@BurntToastAgain are you parents split or divorced out of interest?

Essentially your daughter will be living with her mum and dad 24/7 which the step children will not, so I feel it all balances out. balances out?! This makes no sense. They don't need for their parents to somehow "make up" for not being together. There should be no stigma in divorce, it's just a normal thing. No balancing out needs to be done.