I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

@KiloWhat

Your DH has more than one child and as they don’t live with you full time then when they come he’s going to of course want to spend more time with them knowing he can spend one on one time with your shared child the other times.

That must be incredibly shit for the shared child to be ditched every time their half siblings come along.

What does that actually mean though? Going places without RC? Refusing to let RC join in games etc? Refusing to speak to RC?? Without any detail we can’t possibly tell. My hunch is that DH is just a bit too happy when his kids are there and engages ‘too much’ with them compared to when they’re not there.

"I could say the same to you" well, you could, but it would make no sense

It's actually pretty natural and understandable that a SM who has had her own child would feel an additional aversion to her SC, not want them around taking time and resources away from her PFB, find them even more alien and not-hers than she did before she was a mother. She fantasises about a life where they aren't a factor, and her family is just her, DH and DC.

It's a common situation which should be acknowledged and talked about more. Because it's really damaging for the children involved, and is a reason why so many blended families fail.

I just think that many adults think of themselves first before the children.

I remember my stepmother ruining a lot of my life.

I was just talking to male friend, and he said that his stepmother ruined all of his childhood.

You know - the adults are thinking "I resent having my stepchildren around" but you don't realise the impact you are having on the children. When children are young, their brains are still forming, you are actually affecting them for their whole life.

Too many adults put themselves first, before children. The small vulnerable person. It is an abuse of power
It kind of disgusts me.

@sadpapercourtesan

Is OP going to be happy with her DD receiving 1/3 of her father's attention when the SC are there? Or is she still going to wish they weren't there, because when they aren't there her DD gets all of it?

It's really common unfortunately that when the SM has her own child she just can't tolerate the cuckoos in her nest any more.

Except that cuckoo chicks are intolerable because their parents expect some other bird to exhaust themselves and neglect their own chicks trying to look after them…

@BurntToastAgain OP never said she’s expected to look after her DH’s children did she? Projection much?

@Mufasa1118

I just think that many adults think of themselves first before the children.

I remember my stepmother ruining a lot of my life.

I was just talking to male friend, and he said that his stepmother ruined all of his childhood.

You know - the adults are thinking "I resent having my stepchildren around" but you don't realise the impact you are having on the children. When children are young, their brains are still forming, you are actually affecting them for their whole life.

Too many adults put themselves first, before children. The small vulnerable person. It is an abuse of power
It kind of disgusts me.

Well, I would never ruin someone's childhood. You've obviously had a bad experience there.

But yes I feel no shame in saying I think of myself whilst making major life choices than I do about my DSS. It's for my DP to put him first, and decide if he thinks being around me is good for him.

Too many people shift the blame away from the parents and hold a strange expectation that other adults should put their children first, whilst they should not. It kind of disgusts me.

Asofanearyou.

Can I ask how old is you dss?

Intolerable? For existing?
For those who think like this, perhaps consider dating men who don’t have children???

@Mufasa1118

Asofanearyou.

Can I ask how old is you dss?

He's 8. Why?

It's for my DP to put him first, and decide if he thinks being around me is good for him.

I agree 100% but that’s what OP’s husband is doing & getting stick for it on here.

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@BurntToastAgain OP never said she’s expected to look after her DH’s children did she? Projection much?[/quote]
Explaining why the cuckoo analogy is actually the parents fault.

@Lifeisnteasy

It's for my DP to put him first, and decide if he thinks being around me is good for him.

I agree 100% but that’s what OP’s husband is doing & getting stick for it on here.

You're conflating two different issues there. I was responding to a poster complaining that step parents don't put the children first and stay out of their lives (despite them quite likely having limited knowledge or experience of life for a step child) and having no problem with the parent (who does and who is responsible for them) choosing to seek out said relationship. If a child has a step parent, that is on the parent.

OPs DH is getting stick for prioritising some of his children above others, and for putting too much pressure on OP to focus on them, if indeed OPs feelings are accurate and that is what he is doing.

OPs DH is getting stick for prioritising some of his children above others, and for putting too much pressure on OP to focus on them, if indeed OPs feelings are accurate and that is what he is doing.

How is he ‘prioritising’ them?

How is he ‘prioritising’ them?

FGS, I keep saying she hasn't been that specific so far so we're talking hypothetically based on what she's said. How many times do you want me to say that?

@aSofaNearYou

I just feel in any other thread it would be ‘examples please OP’ whereas on here it’s all ‘Ooooh yes we stepmums are so hard done by’

@Mufasa1118 you & your friends experience is that your stepmothers ruined your lives.
But surely it was your parents responsibility to monitor the dynamics in your 'blended' situations & as such it is your parents 'fault' that you were not kept safe.
If my child was desperately unhappy with a step parent I would do everything in my power to address what was going on & if I thought that my partner was in anyway mistreating my child (my expectation of that partner would be that they are kind & respectful to my child but I would also expect the same of my child to my partner) I would be gone.

If a stepmother is in all likelihood going to dislike her stepchildren, I do think there should be laws put in place banning step parents from being around step children.

Think of it.

There is a woman who has to look after a child.

This child stays in her house. This child takes a lot of her resources.
This child is taking a lot of attention and love from her partner, she is jealous of the attention and love shown to the child.

This is also not any child.

This is the child of another woman who her partner used to love.

The child reminds her of the previous woman that her partner used to love

Of course the stepmother is more than likely going to dislike the child!

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@aSofaNearYou

I just feel in any other thread it would be ‘examples please OP’ whereas on here it’s all ‘Ooooh yes we stepmums are so hard done by’[/quote]
If you look back you'll see it was actually several pleasant pages of people empathising with OPs feelings, followed by a few people sticking the boot in, and the comments you're talking about have been more in response to those other posters than OP.

Will the new baby not be getting more one to one when they haven't got the children? The dad probably feels awkward and guilty that he spends all his time and lives with new baby & you. So when his children do come he's trying to compensate for that and get them all together so he's not leaving anyone out. I don't get the mentality of the man getting all the blame for this. He's a dad of 3 not 2 or 1. So the time he does have with his other 2 I would imagine he's spending as much time with them as possible until they are gone again.

That must be incredibly shit for the shared child to be ditched every time their half siblings come along.

Where has OP said the shared child is getting ditched. Stop projecting!

This thread and responses make me worry when my daughters dad finds a partner. Absolutely awful.

@clinchlinch

Will the new baby not be getting more one to one when they haven't got the children? The dad probably feels awkward and guilty that he spends all his time and lives with new baby & you. So when his children do come he's trying to compensate for that and get them all together so he's not leaving anyone out. I don't get the mentality of the man getting all the blame for this. He's a dad of 3 not 2 or 1. So the time he does have with his other 2 I would imagine he's spending as much time with them as possible until they are gone again.

Because he has 3 children when they are there. He's not switching between the two sets.

@clinchlinch

This thread and responses make me worry when my daughters dad finds a partner. Absolutely awful.

This response makes me worry how unreasonable you will be when your daughters dad finds a partner. Absolutely awful.

You see, these statements work both ways.

@WonderfulYou

That must be incredibly shit for the shared child to be ditched every time their half siblings come along.

Where has OP said the shared child is getting ditched. Stop projecting!

Quite. OP even said she ‘doesn’t know why’ she feels so protective of her Dd

Thought not. It’s not really the same as very clearly being shoved to the bottom of the list because ‘all eyes’ (including yours) should be on you half siblings.

So what happens when they’re not there?

Should the shared child only get 1/3 of DHs attention because surely it would be unfair to the shared child if they’re treated differently just because their siblings aren’t around.