I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

I really can't understand grown adults who say they dislike children. It's shocking
No it's not - stop the hang wringing!
Kids can be awful & it's perfectly fine not to like them. It's also perfectly fine to not like kids in general.
Honestly..............

[quote Kartoffelnpie]@KiloWhat

But then why marry someone with children?[/quote]
Because as we all do at times you have a wonderful view of how it will pan out, your intentions are good, you want the best for all of your family, but naively you walk into it not knowing the complexities of the situation. And it's hard your best effort is never good enough, there are so many equally important needs to take into account, the children, the family, and the relationships that bind it all have different priorities- so it's right in saying your best intentions aren't always the right things to do. But when it does go well, it's wonderful!

No it's not - stop the hang wringing!
Kids can be awful & it's perfectly fine not to like them. It's also perfectly fine to not like kids in general.
Honestly

Agreed.

Magda72

I've never disliked a child

. I'm the adult,
A child - whose brain is not fully developed, and is much less able to do things than me, and is vulnerable

So to dislike a child IS shocking.

It's like disliking someone because they are weaker than you.

YABU and massively unfair on SDC. You never should have taken on a parent role if you’re not up to continuing it. Sort it out now. Before you do them emotional damage.

@Mufasa1118

Magda72

I've never disliked a child

. I'm the adult,
A child - whose brain is not fully developed, and is much less able to do things than me, and is vulnerable

So to dislike a child IS shocking.

It's like disliking someone because they are weaker than you.

Your opinion is clearly guided by your experience as a child, and that's understandable, but rationally speaking it really isn't shocking to dislike a child. Children are people with personalities, albeit still maturing. Many people dislike children.

I've used this analogy before.

Trying to get some men to see that women have rights and feelings, is impossible.

And also

Trying to get some women to see that children have rights and feelings, is impossible.

We have a culture on this planet of abusing the weak. Some men abuse women, and some women abuse children, because children are the only ones weaker than women.

I'm not just talking about you here OP. Even though your post talks about exclusively about how you feel, with not a single sentence about how your stepchildren might feel.

I'm talking about the many threads I've seen on mumsnet saying "I hate my stepchild" with no thought or consideration at all for the child's feelings

@Mufasa1118

I've used this analogy before.

Trying to get some men to see that women have rights and feelings, is impossible.

And also

Trying to get some women to see that children have rights and feelings, is impossible.

We have a culture on this planet of abusing the weak. Some men abuse women, and some women abuse children, because children are the only ones weaker than women.

I'm not just talking about you here OP. Even though your post talks about exclusively about how you feel, with not a single sentence about how your stepchildren might feel.

I'm talking about the many threads I've seen on mumsnet saying "I hate my stepchild" with no thought or consideration at all for the child's feelings

Rubbish. People don't only dislike children because they are weaker than them, they dislike them for the same reasons people dislike adults. You're reading far too much into the idea.

@Littlepaws18

From reading your other messages I think a strong sense of them and us filters through. It's a telling statement when you say family if three and your inner intentions impact your actions whether you want it to be that way or not!

Being a blended family isn't easy, there are so many barriers and political situations- but however you feel you have to rise above that. By being with you partner you take on a duty of care to his children. If you can't accept that you are going to make life so difficult and miserable for your entire family for decades to come.

My situation is complex, I have a child from a previous relationship who is with me 100% of the time, calls my husband dad and is fully accepting of our family dynamic. I have a child with my husband who has no clue to family politics. I have two step children who we see eow. They both have a very different upbringing to my children. The younger one is very accepting of our family set up- she would like more time with her dad but apart from that she loves coming to ours and is settled at home.

The elder as I eluded to earlier finds family challenging. He wants his parents together, he wants me and my children not to exist, he finds the situation so stressful. I have gone through every emotion going with him from complete rejection to complete acceptance. And although he doesn't know any of that- I came to realise wow he is 10! He grieves for his family, he has a negative message at home about us and our family set up constantly, he misses his dad, yet at ours he misses his mom, he worries constantly about things he shouldn't never have to worry about.

I may not love him like my own children but he is my step child, I do love him in a different way even his challenging behaviour because it comes from fear of rejection and hurt. It's not easy for him but I will not simply think of my own interests- I choose him and I will not now disregard him because it's the easy option. He has a great counsellor who works with us all to ensure his well-being and mental health.

You chose this life, you can't pick and chose which bits you want which bits you don't. Your actions have huge consequences so make sure you treat those kids with the duty of care they deserve. It isn't easy but the more you care the easier it gets.

After all I've typed- last weekend my SS said to me 'you know what littlepaws- your super power is kindness' that makes the struggle melt away!

This is heartwarming, good for you!

I'm not just talking about you here OP. Even though your post talks about exclusively about how you feel, with not a single sentence about how your stepchildren might feel.

Obviously I've posted about how I feel. It's a thread about... how I feel?

I think YAB a little U. But your feelings are understandable

I think this is actually a very hard situation for everyone, including your DH. Your DH feels all the feelings you feel about your DD with the older 2 as well. As you feel protective of your DD, he will feel just as protective of his older 2. It's a hard balance to strike, and sometimes we can fixate on little things like photos, trying to ensure everything is fair etc. And actually I would say this can happen even with siblings who are fully biological when a much younger child joins the family. It doesn't mean your DH doesn't feel the same about your DD but he's got 3 dcs welfare to think about, and he might not always get that balance right.

I know you know this, but your DDs relationship with her grandparents will be special because they are her grandparents. Even if hey give her step siblings the same presents. Again they are navigating this relationship too, and it's a fine to ask the questions. Your relationship with your DD is special because she is your daughter, and you don't love her any less because you do activities with her step siblings. I think you do need to address this, because it's not fair on your SDC to go from being involved in their life to not because your DD comes along. And I can see why your DH might subconsciously push against this by tying to obsessively ensure everything is equal and the older DC are okay.

@Mufasa1118 disliking a child is no more shocking than disliking anyone else.
Problems with disliking people - be they children or adults - only occur if someone is actively mean to someone they dislike.
I have come across people in life I haven't particularly liked - both children & adults - & when that is the case I stay out of their way - I don't inflict my dislike on them, but nor do I feel guilty for not liking everyone I come in contact with!
However, if someone dislikes me and acts on that I can choose to walk away - I'm an adult. A child (generally speaking) cannot walk away - that's why children need people to advocate for them. When children have parents it is up to those parents to advocate for them & if they don't then they, the parents are at fault.

OP I totally get where you're coming from. I felt the same when my baby was born.

My DSC live full time with us but my DP was so concerned about how they would feel about our baby being born that his focus was always on them. If I ever needed help with her and asked him he would always help, but other than that he mainly interacted with her only once they were in bed. It made me feel really protective of her, like I needed to ensure that if he wasn't giving the care and love that she needed, I would make sure she would get it all from me. That made me feel similarly to you when my family said they wanted to ensure that Christmas gifts were equal so DSC would get the same as her from them. But they would also be getting that from their grandparents on the other side so I felt worried that my DD would grow up never getting to be the focus of attention for her own family or dad, never feeling special. At first I didn't say anything because I didn't know how to put it into words that wouldn't be really hurtful to DP and I knew in many ways I was being unreasonable and I wanted to get past it because I know none of it was DSCs' fault. But the more that happened without me saying anything, the worse I would feel and there was a resentment beginning to build.

Eventually I reached a breaking point where I had to say something. I spoke to DP about it explained that I understood that they need him, but so does DD, and we needed to find a balance. I was honest but careful about explaining that as much as I love them, they are not my DC and the emotional connection and bond I have to them is different to the one that he has with them and that I need a break at times. We were similar to you in that I will often take DSC to do things. I don't mind doing that but I find it really mentally demanding and sometimes I need and want to have time just me and DD. He has totally taken it on board and I feel much happier now. Much of his focus is still on DSC but DD gets plenty of attention too now (and we feel more like a unit again). I also said to him that rather than me taking the DSC to things myself, we should plan those things when he can come so we can do it as a family, I think that this has been really good and important for both of us, as well as for the DC. It means we have time altogether, but we also split off at points so he spends time with DD and me with DSC and vice versa. Knowing my DD is getting that time with her dad has made me feel so much better and I can enjoy the time with DSC as well.

In terms of the gifts I've explained to my family that they don't need to go over the top because DSC get gifts from their two sets of grandparents. This year they had so much stuff that they can't even remember half of what they got and there isn't even enough space for it a so a lot of it is in the garage. I've suggested that rather than them all get individual gifts, next year my family should all chip in for a gift or give them cash (they received individual gifts from my parents, brother, sister, gran and uncle this year, with my parents and gran getting them multiple gifts. I love that they are thinking about DSC but it's just so much stuff!!)

It's so bloody hard being a step parent sometimes and a lot of people who comment on here who aren't step parents just aren't in the position to understand being in these situations. Feeling a certain way and writing it on a forum like this to get support does not equal evil step-mother who treats their stepchildren like shit. Particularly after having a new baby, there is suddenly a huge shift in the family dynamic and your emotions are reflective of that. It will take time for everyone involved to adapt and find a new dynamic that works but I think communication is key in doing this. You need to find a way to discuss this with your DH because otherwise it will just fester and build and then it will start to become noticeable to DSC and your DD.

Try to remember to focus on the positives as well, like the relationship between your DSC and DD and the aspects of your step children's company that you enjoy. They're not your DC so you don't need to want to be in their company all the time but reminding myself of those things helped me to enjoy those aspects of them we're spending time together.

I had a boyfriend for two years. He had a 5 year old son. His son was with us every second weekend. I played with, loved and helped care for his son when he was with us. He was an innocent child.

Genuine question, why did you interact with a boyfriends child when earlier you said there should be a law banning step parents having contact with children and accused stepmothers of being murderers laying in wait?

Op thanks for this thread. This is a concern I have as I'm TTC and have a stepchild who lives with me full time. I do fear that I will be annoyed at everyone's reaction if I had a baby that all the questions will be about how stepchild is finding everything and is everything equal and if I buy my kid something everyone in DPS family and dp will jump down my throat for not getting DSC it too. However I also see it as a good sign that dp loves all his kids equally and wants them all to have a good life.

As for some comments saying step mother's shouldn't do much for step children it entirely depends. I do everything for mine. I do all bedtimes, I do nursery drops, everything for that child and I do love him (though not as my own) but my family also all view my stepchild as one of their own so I don't have that fear.

It's tough voicing it too isn't it as you will just have everyone jump down your throat.

It's tough voicing it too isn't it as you will just have everyone jump down your throat. this is one of the things I struggled with. Everyone was so "how are DSC1 & 2" when DC was born it was like they were fishing for trouble. If I dared say anything slightly negative in return like "ah they are ok but not happy about being woken at by DC crying in the night" I'd get a "Oh well it must be so tough for them they must find it so hard to have a half sibling." But if they were full siblings I wouldn't get half as much of that.

I think your husband feels that you need to parent abit much.

I kinda get the photo thing for him I guess you don't want to walk into your dads house and there's 10 photos of the baby and 2 of them wouldn't be very nice.

The unique relationship with grandparents is abit strange I'm one of 13 grandchildren my grandparents a sadly past away during COVID some of those children are not biological grandchildren but they are loved and treated exactly the same they had exactly the same as us left in the will.

I had a fantastic close relationship with my grandparents but every grandchild had a different unique relationship with them. Xx

@Mufasa1118

Magda72

I've never disliked a child

. I'm the adult,
A child - whose brain is not fully developed, and is much less able to do things than me, and is vulnerable

So to dislike a child IS shocking.

It's like disliking someone because they are weaker than you.

You know you're the anomaly there

@LolaJune

The only way I can describe it is I feel in constant "fight" mode. Like I am always having to fight to keep all of me for DD. I don't want to do anything for SC because I'm DDs mother not theirs, I don't want my DD to have to share her grandparents time/effort/gifts whatever, I WANT my DD to be the centre of my world in the way any only child would be to their mother because she may not be her dad's only child but she is mine.

Not saying that's all rational but it what goes round in my head. And DH going on about photos and things just makes that even worse.

OP I think you have been very brave.

I have to ask do you think you might have a touch of pnd ? It sounds like to me your struggling with things that are fairly common in a blended family but things appear bigger because your mental health may not be where it should be and also compounded by DHs expectations of you slotting into the "mum" role for SC.

I do wonder if DH wasn't trying to slot you into this role your mental health wouldn't be in the state it's in now.

open.spotify.com/show/17eQLWrjnuRUGt7gRx1yxt?si=gs13rALjTFqvKYGuF_6-Ng this podcast talks a lot about step families and some of the challenges you speak of and you might find it helpful that you aren't alone xx

The unique relationship with grandparents is abit strange I'm one of 13 grandchildren my grandparents a sadly past away during COVID some of those children are not biological grandchildren but they are loved and treated exactly the same they had exactly the same as us left in the will.

Not sure if this is related or not but I'm an only child so my daughter is their only GC. I understand lots of people have multiple grandchildren/cousins etc.. but DD and my parents don't.

Not sure if this is related or not but I'm an only child so my daughter is their only GC. I understand lots of people have multiple grandchildren/cousins etc.. but DD and my parents don't. yes that does explain it a bit.

For me I felt similar in that my DC was my child so a "true" grandchild where as the DSC would be out of their lives if I ever split with DH. They have a good relationship but I think if the GP went over the top with DSC then DSC would be weirded out.

I'm just not the same as I was before with them

I relate to this so much.

When I had my own child I realised the difference between being a parent and being a step-parent. I was always slightly on edge with dsc because they told their mum everything that went on in our house for example then the mum sent comments back on what I'd done wrong.
And then I had my own child. I could parent them exactly how I wanted to. I could take them anywhere any time, I could shout at them if they were naughty, I could hug and kiss them whenever I wanted. I could bath them, take them swimming on my own, all sorts of things, without another person willing me to fail all the time.

I hadn't realised how tense and anxious I was around dsc and the rules that came with them until I had a child of my own.

I suddenly felt quite resentful of life with dsc even though it wasn't their fault they came with so much baggage. It was so much easier and more natural with our own children.

How about focusing on what having older siblings brings to your dd rather than oy focusing on what they take away from her?

I also found it really bothered me when my parents were asking questions like that about my DSS when I was already struggling with it and feeling isolated and at odds with my partner. It was a real blow to feel like my own parents were doing the same thing, I wanted to be able to feel like a human being around my family rather than feel like I was always dealing with this issue, even with them.

Also to all the people saying OMG HOW CAN YOU DISLIKE A CHILD.

For the love of god - sometimes I dislike my own child. Shock horror - I need to be hung up and beaten with a birch stick for next 100 days.

Equating disliking anyone and acting on that dislike and murdering them (did I read that right ?! 😵‍💫 what a weird mentality) is such a stretch I can't even.

Saying you have to like or act like you like everyone adult or child is something that's singular told to females and not to men. Be pleasant, be good and don't make a fuss.

Op your allowed feelings, my god even as a SM your allowed feelings. No one hopefully on this thread is so ridiculous in real life to assume you would ever do anything to your SC. If they genuinely do then I really wonder why their brain went to such a dark space and would recommended they revaluate their thought process.

Even by logics sake - I doubt any SM children killers would come on mumsnet asking for help and support and take a real bashing. The mentality just wouldn't be there to even post or think there's a issue

If half of the negative commentors got your way and managed to silence SM from talking about tricky subjects with shame, imagine the actual fall out of that. It wouldn't be less damaged children that's for dammed sure.

If half of the negative commentors got your way and managed to silence SM from talking about tricky subjects with shame, imagine the actual fall out of that. It wouldn't be less damaged children that's for dammed sure.

Completely agree and I've tried to express this many times. The isolation, and sense that your feelings are normal and rational yet those around you would react as though you are an absolute demon is often a MAJOR driving force behind a step parent struggling to enjoy the role and internalizing increasingly negative feelings. The people who jump to such disproportionately negative conclusions are actually significantly contributing to the phenomenon they so despise.

A step parent met with rational, balanced expectations is far less likely to feel pushed to the point of frustration breaking point.