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Original poster

DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

476 replies

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 18:16

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

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girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 19:08

Did his kids send thank you cards last year?

You said you didn't think or them then said you're sick of doing his card admin. Ones strange - the others just mean.

I feel like, even if you were expecting DSC's do to their own, you'd have waited and sent them all together. It doesn't make sense to send them separately. It'll look like the DSC's were forced into it as an afterthought.

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 19:08

@2pinkginsplease

I think you’ve been unreasonable, what harm would it have been to add your step childrens name to the cards. Pretty selfish of you,

You may be pissed off with your partner but doesn’t mean you need to take it out on the kids,

I would find it strange to receive a thank you card with only one siblings name on it.

I didn't take it out on the kids.

It only has one child's name on it because it is from that one child. No one else. Ffs.

OP posts:
NoNameHere12 · 05/01/2022 19:08

Would NOT include your toddler*

mummytotwoboys0600 · 05/01/2022 19:09

I would only send thank you cards from my own children, not my step children. That is down to their own mum or dad! Certainly not step mums responsibility.

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 19:10

It'll look like the DSC's were forced into it as an afterthought. that's because they probably will be now! Not my fault is it!

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 05/01/2022 19:10

Why would the mum do thank you cards from the kids, to her exhs family?

My ex husband wouldn't even see the presents my family got our kids.

girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 19:11

@KiloWhat

It'll look like the DSC's were forced into it as an afterthought. that's because they probably will be now! Not my fault is it!
Did they send thank you cards last year?

It's not your problem but don't you think it'll look shit to your family?

candlelightsatdawn · 05/01/2022 19:12

. It'll look like the DSC's were forced into it as an afterthought

Which exactly what it would have been your op had done it because DH clearly didn't think it was important enough in his mind to sort it.That's the definition of a afterthought (he's only had this issue post OP sending her cards out)

So yes it will look like that because it's exactly how it was. It's not for OP to cover up for DH lack of thought.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 05/01/2022 19:12

@Doggoo

I feel sorry for your step kids, you sound very bitter.
Such an odd comment. The op was simply doing a nice thing with her child. I wouldn't be sending cards off on behalf of my step children... it's weird. They have parents who are more than capable of sending them and saying thank you. If the mum was posting, you'd be saying the step mum was overstepping. Some people can't win!
Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 19:13

@candlelightsatdawn

Ick I can see where this thread is going.

I have seen a mum on here kicking off because thank you cards where sent out with SM name on in including the kids and the commentary was she was by all accounts "crossing a line" and playing happy families with children who "weren't hers".

It's a card the SC can send and do their own if the dad wishes or it may have been done at mums. This is a parental call, as such up to the parents to decide on how they wish the kids to respond. Some parents would prefer their kids to call people and say thank you, the toddler couldn't do that and OP has made that parental call.

Maybe time DH did the same ?

THANK YOU! I feel like you have said what I've been trying to explain far better than I ever could. It's not up to me to think of traditions and things for the DSC. I also don't feel its my place to be signing stuff for the DSC. I even asked them if they wanted their names in the Christmas cards for my family as they don't know all of them well.
OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/01/2022 19:14

Given he doesn't seem to have a very good life event admin approach, it sounds like he's probably more annoyed that you doing something with your toddler might show him and his kids up.

My siblings and I always sent separate thank you cards growing up and although cards aren't done as much in our families now, all the DC who are old enough will say thank you by phone, photo message or in person.

A quick activity with a toddler doesn't have to turn into a drama. If he wants to do cards with DSC then he can. Nobody is going to read into it because older children have different schedules to a toddler.

AlDanvers · 05/01/2022 19:14

@KiloWhat

It'll look like the DSC's were forced into it as an afterthought. that's because they probably will be now! Not my fault is it!
It doesn't really need to be about fault.

But you did and sent the cards, presumably without even mentioning it to your dh. So yes, them being an after thought is due to them being sent before you mentioned it.

If you and your dh agreed he would do them for the older 2 and your for the younger one. Then he finished his and sent them, without waiting for you....would you be fine with that?

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 19:15

@LordAbove

It's not that I purposely don't want to. I have enough on my plate and I do think of them I just don't think of them in every tiny day to day activity I do with my own child.

And this is fine. You don't need to always be thinking of them 🙄

I'm sure poster's will be horrified to know that I spend 99.99999% more time thinking of my own child and things to do with them than my DSC.

Thank you. I was beginning to think there must be something wrong with me. I just don't have the brainspace to be going oh the DSC are here in x days I better leave this small activity for when they are here.
OP posts:
GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 19:16

Not everyone does thank you cards, maybe DSC don't usually do them. That's fine. Nothing to do with you. If you want to do them from your child then you go ahead.

Laughing at poster's horrified by you saying you didn't think of you SC when writing them 🤣 I don't think of my SC when I do loads of stuff.

I don't add them to most of the Christmas cards I send unless I happen to be doing them for DHs side too.

I don't always think of them when I'm shopping and maybe see something my son would like and buy it for him.

I think and plan far more in relation to my son's activities, birthdays, Christmas presents ect..

I'll never feel bad for thinking mostly about my own child when doing things, like every other parent.

Regardless, thank you cards are personal to you. Lots of people do them from each child individually because they are thanking for their specific gift. Hardly heart felt if you just quickly add their names on to cards they don't even know are being sent.

Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 19:17

If you and your dh agreed he would do them for the older 2 and your for the younger one. Then he finished his and sent them, without waiting for you....would you be fine with that? I would find that weird as they are all his children... but I'd be fine with it. The older ones can do their own really.

OP posts:
Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 19:18

A quick activity with a toddler doesn't have to turn into a drama. this is why I posted really. Just got a bit fed up of the little nice things I do being turned into..but what about DSC .

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/01/2022 19:19

@KiloWhat

A quick activity with a toddler doesn't have to turn into a drama. this is why I posted really. Just got a bit fed up of the little nice things I do being turned into..but what about DSC .
Did you say to him "oh I hadn't realised you'd made cards with them. At least you can post yours now"? It'll encourage him to think about them himself.
Original poster
KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 19:21

@girlmom21 oh I wish I'd thought of that. No I just went "ahhh why can't I do anything!!" And walked off.

OP posts:
JennieLee · 05/01/2022 19:21

I'm a stepmother and I think families vary a lot.

For example my mother and father didn't ever really think of my stepchildren as part of the family, even though there were times when they lived with us full time. Which meant I didn't really take my stepkids to visit my parents, because my parents just weren't really making an effort to relate to them. I once suggested my mother got my stepdaughter a birthday gift - my mother didn't mark their birthdays and she came up with a box of notelets. SD would have been 10 or 11 at the time. So if my mother had given some kind of family present - a huge box of chocolates for example, I think I either wouldn't have included my stepchildren's names or else done it in a very 'Yes they are part of my family even though you don't give a damn.'

So it's complicated.

There's no right answer and really the main thing is the way in which you relate to your stepchilden when they're with you - and how they behave towards you. I think another factor is how your stepchildren relate to your own child. If there's a real sense of them being siblings then it does feel much more like a family - albeit a blended one.

GrapeVineTwine · 05/01/2022 19:21

It's not your problem but don't you think it'll look shit to your family?

To OPs family? Mine wouldn't give a second thought if my step children weren't included on thank you cards. Half of them barely know them Confused

Mommabear20 · 05/01/2022 19:22

I wrote thank you cards from DC at the moment as they're only babies but once they're old enough to write, they'll be writing their own but in the same card, definitely doesn't need to be multiple cards sent from the same family! What a waste of paper!

LolaSmiles · 05/01/2022 19:23

this is why I posted really. Just got a bit fed up of the little nice things I do being turned into..but what about DSC .
I might be way off the mark, but by any chance to small nice things with your DC that DH gets annoyed over/turns it into 'what about DSC?' happen to be things that he never did/does with his older children?

There's a trend on here of some men conveniently thinking that the role of new partners is to top up their own gaps in fatherhood and take on increasing amounts of wifework.

E.g. men who never made much effort for family cards suddenly get a new partner and family occasion cards ends up on her list as she's doing them for her family.
E.g. fairly simple but nice child thing becomes a drama become he doesn't want people to realise he didn't bother to do it with his other children, ergo it's the role of the new partner to establish 'fairness' by doing the same with all children, rather than on the the to treat his children equitably whilst accepting they have different family circumstances with their mums.

candlelightsatdawn · 05/01/2022 19:25

what @girlmom21 mum said.

I suspect the wider issue is you feeling like you can't do anything for DC without being guilted into "what about DS" and having to delay everything until SC arrive which is annoying and small things becoming big things until you want to give up.

Have a chat with DH and say look as a parent and a step parent I have different roles. I need to be respectful of DM and you and your parenting choices but please don't come along and use the guilt your feeling to make me feel bad.

Give his monkeys back to him and also 💐 new babies can often trigger the worst Disney dadding behaviour known to man

Also lot of the nasty comments aren't step parents, just usual trolls who basically have issues they haven't worked through yet. Don't take them to heart ❤️

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/01/2022 19:26

@WimpoleHat

If they got separate presents, I’d assume that they send separate thank you cards. Arguably, it’s not entirely appropriate for you, as the SM, to send them on their behalf; different if your DH was writing them.
Agree with this.

Surely the point of kids sending thank you cards is to show their gratitude. If you’re making them with your DC and the sdcs aren’t even there, what exactly is the point? May as well just send them all yourself without including any of the kids!

As it is, you’ve used a bit of crafting time with your toddler to do a nice thing. If your H wants thank you cards sent from his DCs I suggest he sits down and spends an hour with them making them. The fact that he hadn’t considered doing that until after he got a bee in his bonnet about you doing it tells you that he didn’t really think it was his job. Maybe their mum has already done some? Not your issue to sort.

Lovemusic33 · 05/01/2022 19:28

@AlDanvers

Honestly, if I was already doing a card I would have just put their names on. Seems odd to send 2 from the same family
This… I find it odd that you didn’t include them, if gifts were gifted to them as well as your dc why wouldn’t you include them?

Either do separate ones from each dc or from all of them/you?