DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

OP YANBU

I solved the problem last year by buying a pack of thank you cards and giving some of them to my DP.

I then got my toddler DD to scribble on those to send to the people I knew who sent her presents. Then wrote on them just from DD and got her to post them in the letter box.

DP then got his DC and DD to do some but not to everyone I thought they should thank. I decided that bit wasn't my business.

This year I'm in the process of doing similar.

[quote KiloWhat]@tiredofthisshit21 exactly. I did not sign up to be DH's assistant. I did not agree to be facilitator of the DSC's card writing. They have parents for this.[/quote]
Oh but did you not know that if you marry a man with kids part of your wedding vows is to wipe his and his kids arses?? I'm joking of course. Some of these answers are insane.

I solved the problem last year by buying a pack of thank you cards and giving some of them to my DP.

Why? Is he banned from the newsagents?

@KiloWhat

And to be honest. IT IS JUST A CARD.

But that's what makes it worse to me. Like I can almost understand if he got upset because I'd booked a holiday and not thought about including DSC.

You could ‘almost’ understand him being upset if you’d booked a holiday for the family and not thought about two of the family children?

I mean I’m not sure why you started this thread, you obviously would never even consider that you could have possibly been wrong or that it might have been worth saying ‘are you sending cards for the kids?’

Why would you ever put dsc’s name on something like his? To be honest OP, I don’t think you could win in this situation, whatever you did.

You have left dsc’s names off the thank you cards, so according to some you (apparently) are in the wrong!

If you had put dsc’s names on the cards, others would then be saying that you are overreaching your responsibilities and it isn’t up to you to thank people on their behalf!

It is up to the children’s actual parents to ensure that thank you letters or cards are sent. If my ex’s (haven’t actually got one) new partner had sent a card in a situation like this, putting my dc’s name on it, I would be asking what right she has to interfere as it is none of her business to send thank yous from them.

Either do separate cards and send them in the same envelope, or write both kids' names on the card. Incredibly weird and a little selfish to leave your stepchild out of it. Why would you want to pay for postage twice?

Sounds like DH is embarassed that he didn't think to organise thank you notes for DSC. Assuming that DC and DSC didn't receive a gift to share with each other then I'd expect them to send individual thank you cards to each relative for their individual gifts. Yes that does mean relatives will receive several cards from each family, just like they gave out multiple gifts to each family.

IMO a joint thank you card would only be appropriate if the family or children received a joint gift.

Children do individual thank you cards, surely?

I help my preschooler write her “thank you for my dolly” card but I wouldn’t then write “also thanks for Jane’s gift card and Jack’s Xbox game” - that would surely be pretty weird

Older primary & secondary age children write their own thank yous with a reminder from parents - parents (or stepmums) don’t sign their names for them.

When he next has them, their dad can get them to write their cards.

Yanbu
It's not your job to do Thankyou cards for your DsC they have two parents who can do that including your DH

If he's not doing half the cards you organised from your
dC then he is abdicating responsibility, his children are not your responsibility to chase up especially as they weren't with you when you wrote the Thankyou cards with dc.

I think you did a nice thing

Your DH is lazy parent
He's trying to give you part of his parental job

Just tell him to get them to individually text people. That’s more age appropriate for them, especially if they’ve never done it before.

You're petty and mean and you should treat them all the same.
You can justify yourself all you like because you just can't/more like won't see it.

Yeah it's weird.

Especially if the cards also include DHs parents and siblings etc. because your DSC are as related to them as your own DC.

I don't get why some people are so determined to remind their DH it's his kids. Well it they are. And they were around longer than you in his life so you don't get to exclude them deliberately. The comment about not letting him use your cards is pathetic

are you doing Gemma and Matthew’s thank you cards?

As it sounds like they are older children, they should be doing their own cards. And, they weren’t there. These were cards from this child to those adults saying thanks for their gifts.

Kids write their own cards. Adults sending a card on behalf of kids is just pointless.

@ListeningButNotHearing

You're petty and mean and you should treat them all the same. You can justify yourself all you like because you just can't/more like won't see it.

You want me to treat my much older DSC who are capable of deciding to write thank you if they want to, who have a father to help them if he wants to, the same as my toddler who would eat the card and needs close supervision? You want me, their stepmother, to insist they sit there and write thank you cards and scribble in them with a crayola crayon?

@NellieBertram

Children do individual thank you cards, surely?

I help my preschooler write her “thank you for my dolly” card but I wouldn’t then write “also thanks for Jane’s gift card and Jack’s Xbox game” - that would surely be pretty weird

Older primary & secondary age children write their own thank yous with a reminder from parents - parents (or stepmums) don’t sign their names for them.

When he next has them, their dad can get them to write their cards.

This ^^

It's not OPs job to do
Their own dad can do the thinking and chase up theor Thankyous! He's already abdicated his half share of DC fhank yous! Why would she have to kee track of dsc presents and their Thankyou cards too when their own dad can't be bothered??!

Are thankyou cards still a thing? I've never really done them I said thanks in person I think the only time we sent out thank-you card was to our French relative because they are in France and we never see them

And they were around longer than you in his life so you don't get to exclude them deliberately.

IT WASN'T DELIBERATE.
They didnt even cross my mind.

YABU
Poor kids and shame that you didn’t think to do a joint thankyou card. They are part of the family and for me that means doing things that are inclusive- otherwise you will set up problems for when they are older, bitterness and resentment.

Men don’t always think about these things- that’s the reality. Kids are always stuck in the middle and used as a ball to bat around. If your DH was upset the tension over this will rub off on all the kids in the house- happens all the time. I think you get the gist. But I totally understand you clinging onto posts that agree with you- it’s human nature.

@NYnewstart

Just tell him to get them to individually text people. That’s more age appropriate for them, especially if they’ve never done it before.

Yeah I think they'd prefer that. Or a facetime.

Why do you have to be his mum to include him in your plans? If I’m making dinner, I ask DH what he fancies. He does the same to me. No because I’m his mummy, because we share our lives together and consider each other. If I was sending post to his side of the family, I’d consider his relations - including any SC.

@BoredZelda

are you doing Gemma and Matthew’s thank you cards?

As it sounds like they are older children, they should be doing their own cards. And, they weren’t there. These were cards from this child to those adults saying thanks for their gifts.

Kids write their own cards. Adults sending a card on behalf of kids is just pointless.

Kids need help with these things. I don’t know about yours, but my primary aged kids wouldn’t go out, buy cards, carefully write them out while checking to make sure they haven’t missed anyone, address every envelope, then stamp and post them.

They need support and help. It only takes a minute in a family to say ‘are you doing the kids cards? Shall we send them all at once?’

I mean I’m not sure why you started this thread for support. It's a tough gig being a stepmum. A tiny thing like writing a card can explode.

But of course as they’re step children they’ll somehow be expected to do all that alone and it will be utterly unreasonable to expect normal family communication.

To me it sounds like op is fed up with a useless husband but that’s by the by. I’m not saying she should have done the cards but it doesn’t take long to ask if you should send them at the same time.

When I say I consider his relations , I mean I think about who to include in the thank yous. My DC were sent a gift from their Auntie for example but they sent a thank you to everyone in that household including their children. I just think it’s part of family life to be inclusive of each other.

Surely each child write his/her own thank you letter? That's what we dod when we were little. My sister would write one to Aunt Jane for her toy and I would write one to Aunt Jane for her toy.
I therefore don't think you were being unreasonable at all!