DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

But he did want cards written from his kids. Again, it isnt separate families they are one family. Problems arise when things are discussed before having children.

I'm sorry what? Do to mean to say I should have discussed who would be in charge of greeting card admin before we had a baby?

@KiloWhat

But he did want cards written from his kids. Again, it isnt separate families they are one family. Problems arise when things are discussed before having children.

I'm sorry what? Do to mean to say I should have discussed who would be in charge of greeting card admin before we had a baby?

Can you imagine

I wouldnt ask who was in charge, of things (because it should be a partnership) I'd specify my beliefs and traditions and how they matched with the person I was going to share the rest of my life with certainly. Having a child and getting married is massive and therefore having such conversations about beliefs, traditions and the way the family dynamic is going to work shouldnt be a joke.

@KiloWhat

But he did want cards written from his kids. Again, it isnt separate families they are one family. Problems arise when things are discussed before having children.

I'm sorry what? Do to mean to say I should have discussed who would be in charge of greeting card admin before we had a baby?

And did you not discuss how having another child would affect the current family dynamic? Men go around having kids here there an everywhere and women just crack on wanting a romantic relationship at any cost without realising their own worth. And yet you also dont address the point I made about adopted kids etc. This may seem like a minimal topic, but in the realm of feminism, it matters a lot.

@doyouwantachuffedybadge

I wouldnt ask who was in charge, of things (because it should be a partnership) I'd specify my beliefs and traditions and how they matched with the person I was going to share the rest of my life with certainly. Having a child and getting married is massive and therefore having such conversations about beliefs, traditions and the way the family dynamic is going to work shouldnt be a joke.

About cards?

And did you not discuss how having another child would affect the current family dynamic? yes

Men go around having kids here there an everywhere so far only here and there for DH.

and women just crack on wanting a romantic relationship at any cost without realising their own worth you really don't know me at all..

@KiloWhat

And did you not discuss how having another child would affect the current family dynamic? yes

Men go around having kids here there an everywhere so far only here and there for DH.

and women just crack on wanting a romantic relationship at any cost without realising their own worth you really don't know me at all..

and so manners may have been discussed and how you love your child more than his.

he had kids in two different women literally and left the first one - not on really is it?

but you have underestimated your own worth by having a child with a man who already has children, who instead of saying "oh wow thanj you cards is a great idea, I wish Id thought of that", and a man that drives you to mumsnet instead of him for discussion

An dyes you should discuss things such as greeting cards and manners. It is the minute that matters and that is usually covered in shared religious beliefs and the equivalent.

Kids are so easily made but the repercussions of having a kid with someone who doesnt share your views can be catastrophic. Which is one of the many reasons why men should be held accountable and women should know their worth.

So people who adopt children and then have biological children don't love their adopted kids as much as the ones that are biologically their own

You wanted me to address this for some reason.

Adoption is completely different to being a step parent and to conflate the two is insulting.

I have not adopted my DSC. They have two parents capable of looking after them. I have no formal or legal ties to my DSC only emotional ones. And this does matter.

I haven't had to go through a grueling rigorous process to move in purely because the DSC's actual parent is there and he is the one who loves them as his own. I do not have to love them as my own. I love them as them.

the repercussions of having a kid with someone who doesnt share your views can be catastrophic

It was a card
He is over it

@KiloWhat

So people who adopt children and then have biological children don't love their adopted kids as much as the ones that are biologically their own

You wanted me to address this for some reason.

Adoption is completely different to being a step parent and to conflate the two is insulting.

I have not adopted my DSC. They have two parents capable of looking after them. I have no formal or legal ties to my DSC only emotional ones. And this does matter.

I haven't had to go through a grueling rigorous process to move in purely because the DSC's actual parent is there and he is the one who loves them as his own. I do not have to love them as my own. I love them as them.

So what is your family precisely? You are of course entitled to say what your family is, but if you are concerned about being married with a child/step children and how you treat your own biological child compared to step children then you've entitled people to have an opinion.

Who is it insulting to to compare adoption to marrying into a family? If anything, it's insulting to be so easy for people to marry into a family.

You have married a man. Did you just marry him and not hs family? Are his children not included in this contract? Are you entitled to ignore them because he is man. Do these kids live with you all. Should this make a difference?

Your partner looks after his biological children moreso while they are at your home. His responsibility never ends, even when they go to the mothers house - this is financially and emotionally - at least that is the way it should be.

How on Earth do you separate this? And why would you want to?

You are lucky not to have gone through the gruelling adoption process, or maybe the children are unfortunate, because, according to family law, a non-resident parent has the same responsibility as a resident parent.

in family court they would establish the nonresident parent as much of a parent as the resident and entitled to bring up their child in the way they same fit as the resident.

Again I ask, why would you get married to someone with children and expect their children by other women to be different to the children you make with your husband?

By marrying someone with children you have, in affect adopted them, because if their mother died the first port of call would be your husband and they would be living with you, and if he died, then you would be the next phone call children's services would make.

Why would you marry someone with children if you are going to treat those children as if they arent yours? What is the point?

@KiloWhat

the repercussions of having a kid with someone who doesnt share your views can be catastrophic

It was a card
He is over it

well thats good, until the next thing that you havent discussed.

You have married a man. yes
Did you just marry him and not hs family? yes this is how it works.
Are his children not included in this contract? no

in family court they would establish the nonresident parent as much of a parent as the resident and entitled to bring up their child in the way they same fit as the resident.

Not sure what this has to do with not writing their names in a card.

Again I ask, why would you get married to someone with children and expect their children by other women to be different to the children you make with your husband? they have different parents and lifestyles.

By marrying someone with children you have, in affect adopted them no I haven't and it is insulting to people who choose to go through the process of Adoption to say that I am their parent just by marrying their dad.

because if their mother died the first port of call would be your husband and they would be living with you yes I know I wouldn't replace their mother though.

and if he died, then you would be the next phone call children's services would make. if mum and dad both died then yes I guess they might ask me. But they are more likely to ask the people named in their wills.

well thats good, until the next thing that you havent discussed. yes but it will be fine. We're adults

Oh dear. Well good luck to you because, Im sorry, but no, you dont just marry them, you marry their family, and they are included in the contract. For example, they will no longer receive the money and property from their father as he has married you and it will therefore be up to you to distribute it if the husband dies, unless you intend to keep their inheritance for yourself .

The family court reference is to show that in family court they recognise that a man (almost always a man) can bring up his new family without consideration to how the mother/woman of his existing kids brings up the kids even if the kid lives most of the time with the mother of the child.

So you are saying that you are perfectly happy dictating the rules of what happens with your child even though it is different to what your husband the father of your child thinks? And he is happy having different values for his other children.

And yet you still havent answered my question about if you would love adopted children differently than biological children.

Do you think your husband loves his first set of children differently from his second set/your first child?

Do you really love your child more than your chosen partner's children with whom you ahve also lived for several years?

@doyouwantachuffedybadge you know I got to say that was a lot of feelings and overdramatics over a card, made to solely thank one person for one child's present on a rainy day.

Your acting like OP situation is akin to putting the children under the stairs not feeding them and beating them with a broom hourly.

What are you pretending to be, prosecution in a court of law asking the same question over and over, this before you rest your case and pass down judgment ? What exactly are you getting out of that essay of questions and tirade what do you hope to achieve !

Clearly you don't agree with the OP and that's fine fine but why keep coming back with more questions and jabs.

Almost makes me want to ask the question who hurt you. Almost. But I'm not as nice as the OP so unlikely to answer your questions out of sheer boredom.

Btw I say this as a step child, DM and a SM.

Your post is a lot.

Ok I'm done with the internet for tonight.

Do you really love your child more than your chosen partner's children with whom you ahve also lived for several years?

FFS yes. Obviously.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@doyouwantachuffedybadge you know I got to say that was a lot of feelings and overdramatics over a card, made to solely thank one person for one child's present on a rainy day.

Your acting like OP situation is akin to putting the children under the stairs not feeding them and beating them with a broom hourly.

What are you pretending to be, prosecution in a court of law asking the same question over and over, this before you rest your case and pass down judgment ? What exactly are you getting out of that essay of questions and tirade what do you hope to achieve !

Clearly you don't agree with the OP and that's fine fine but why keep coming back with more questions and jabs.

Almost makes me want to ask the question who hurt you. Almost. But I'm not as nice as the OP so unlikely to answer your questions out of sheer boredom.

Btw I say this as a step child, DM and a SM.

Your post is a lot.

Ok I'm done with the internet for tonight.

[/quote]
well thats nice for you and your justification as a stepchild - my post is the tip of the proverbial.

My post is not a lot at all. It is the bare minimum.

Having children should be something that is thought out thoroughly, Having a child with a man is something that should be though out with extended research.

Having children with a man that already has children should be not considered (in my very thoroughly researched opinion)

I despair of people who have children without discussing the bare minimum. Having children is about the children, not the adults, or at least it should be.

I find it so incredible that people think its ridiculous that I would want to discuss if sending thankyou cards should be discussed before having children. Surely people discuss what is proper before they make an actual person?!

I would never marry someone or make a person with anyone who wasnt the same religion as me or who wasnt vegan, who didnt believe the same as me, and I certainly would get with someone who already had children who may think differently or be brought up differently.

What would be the point beyond lust?

The bottom line is, if you have children, the children always come first - always

Well good luck to you because, Im sorry, but no, you dont just marry them, you marry their family, and they are included in the contract.

Erm… marriage is a contract. But it really, really is just between husband and wife. No one else is ‘included in the contract’.

This is just not true. Emotive. But actual nonsense.

*I find it so incredible that people think its ridiculous that I would want to discuss if sending thankyou cards should be discussed before having children. Surely people discuss what is proper before they make an actual person?!

I would never marry someone or make a person with anyone who wasnt the same religion as me or who wasnt vegan, who didnt believe the same as me, and I certainly would get with someone who already had children who may think differently or be brought up differently.*

Thank you cards are not a religion. You would die of old age before you got through discussing each thing in detail down to thank you cards.

I'm sorry but everything you're saying and the incredulity with which you're saying it is ridiculous.

Do you really love your child more than your chosen partner's children with whom you ahve also lived for several years?

Is this a joke?

My step children don't come remotely close to how I feel about my son. Not one iota.

You think thank you cards should be discussed before people have children? Now I know you're taking the piss.

@BurntToastAgain

Well good luck to you because, Im sorry, but no, you dont just marry them, you marry their family, and they are included in the contract.

Erm… marriage is a contract. But it really, really is just between husband and wife. No one else is ‘included in the contract’.

This is just not true. Emotive. But actual nonsense.

Wow. So children are discarded. I hope not. Are you saying if you got married you wouldnt make sure in that marriage contract that your children got your property and money and not your partner. Or are you saying that your partner comes before your children or their children?

@WeDontTalkAboutBrunonono

You think thank you cards should be discussed before people have children? Now I know you're taking the piss.

Every single aspect of rearing should be discussed. sending cards is pretty evident in the years leading up to marriage - if the partner doesnt see how much you like sending cards to say thanks , that is a red flag

You're not talking about marriage. You're talking about a will there. Marriage legally is between two people i.e. husband and wife. You don't add people to "the contract".

You can leave property and whatever else in your will. Why are you acting like they are the same thing?

On the subject of wills, I've ensured my assets go to my son and not my DSC. Because no, they don't come first to me. My son does.

Every single aspect of rearing should be discussed. sending cards is pretty evident in the years leading up to marriage - if the partner doesnt see how much you like sending cards to say thanks , that is a red flag

Every single aspect even down to whether or not you'll send thank you cards from your child? Did it take you 100 years to get married and have DC then?

I agree big things need to be discussed but no I didn't sit down with my husband when we decided to TTC and pull out my mile long list of every single scenario I can think of and say "tonight's topic of discussion is thank you cards"