DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

@aSofaNearYou

*I find it so incredible that people think its ridiculous that I would want to discuss if sending thankyou cards should be discussed before having children. Surely people discuss what is proper before they make an actual person?!

I would never marry someone or make a person with anyone who wasnt the same religion as me or who wasnt vegan, who didnt believe the same as me, and I certainly would get with someone who already had children who may think differently or be brought up differently.*

Thank you cards are not a religion. You would die of old age before you got through discussing each thing in detail down to thank you cards.

I'm sorry but everything you're saying and the incredulity with which you're saying it is ridiculous.

You're obviously not an Irish catholic then, because hell would freeze over before anyone in my family wouldn't send a card, or at least have a phone call from each child saying thank you after receiving a gift

And also we wouldnt need to discuss our beliefs because we'd be well aware. But then again, I would never be allowed to marry someone who had children already or who didnt share my catholic beliefs.

Wow. So children are discarded. I hope not. Are you saying if you got married you wouldnt make sure in that marriage contract that your children got your property and money and not your partner. Or are you saying that your partner comes before your children or their children?

Now I’m just certain that you haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about.

A marriage contract (the contract is verbal - what you get is a schedule and you sign a register) makes absolutely no mention of children. None.

Nor does it include anything about his assets will be divided on death. That’s a will.

It does actually mean that pretty much all your assets become pooled as marital assets. So, in marrying, you are technically saying that all that stuff is your husband/wife’s.

And (step)children remain the responsibility of their parents. And it’s up to them to provide for them in their wills and other estate planning.

Absolutely none of it is about ‘discarding’ children. That is total, emotive rubbish.

Every single aspect of rearing should be discussed. sending cards is pretty evident in the years leading up to marriage - if the partner doesnt see how much you like sending cards to say thanks , that is a red flag

Red flag. 😂😂😂

So, if you got married, you discussed policies on bedroom tidiness for teenagers (who weren’t yet conceived, and without knowing what your living situation would be or what the teenagers you’d be living with would be like)?

Should people who got married before smartphones and tablets have known that they’d need to have prior agreements about screen time, whether tablets could be used in bedrooms, and other things they couldn’t possibly have known about?

What about other, small and infrequent events? Do you need a written agreement about whether you’re going to force your 10 year old to wear the ugly, itchy jumper Great Aunt Agnes knitted for him?

But then again, I would never be allowed to marry someone who had children already or who didnt share my catholic beliefs.

Have you considered that, on the above basis, you may have no understanding of the stepfamily issues you seem so utterly certain about?

Or that Irish Catholics are not, in fact, a homogenous mass. Different Irish Catholic families, erm, might do things very differently to yours.

@BurntToastAgain

Wow. So children are discarded. I hope not. Are you saying if you got married you wouldnt make sure in that marriage contract that your children got your property and money and not your partner. Or are you saying that your partner comes before your children or their children?

Now I’m just certain that you haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about.

A marriage contract (the contract is verbal - what you get is a schedule and you sign a register) makes absolutely no mention of children. None.

Nor does it include anything about his assets will be divided on death. That’s a will.

It does actually mean that pretty much all your assets become pooled as marital assets. So, in marrying, you are technically saying that all that stuff is your husband/wife’s.

And (step)children remain the responsibility of their parents. And it’s up to them to provide for them in their wills and other estate planning.

Absolutely none of it is about ‘discarding’ children. That is total, emotive rubbish.

you think emotions are rubbish? And no you can make sure that your assets go to your children other than your "partner". That is a point of law. Why put step in brackets in concern with parents? If you marry someone with children, you should and are responsible for their children . Or are you living in a different home or are you just ignoring the extra people aho are in your home sometimes.

Christ, if you think marrying someone means you are just marrying them, you are deluded, and if you they dont protect their children, the they are eejits.

Any woman I know who already has children and then gets married she has protected her property so it goes to the children and not her spouse. You can do this without telling your spouse so maybe some women may want to look into this too.

@BurntToastAgain

But then again, I would never be allowed to marry someone who had children already or who didnt share my catholic beliefs.

Have you considered that, on the above basis, you may have no understanding of the stepfamily issues you seem so utterly certain about?

Or that Irish Catholics are not, in fact, a homogenous mass. Different Irish Catholic families, erm, might do things very differently to yours.

I have complete understanding, if youd read the complete thread. Ive been a step parent. I also have a child.

And if an Irish Catholic vegan wanted to give a pov Id welcome it

Just a vegan?

What about an Irish Catholic who wouldn’t ‘be allowed to marry a man with children’ but who was somehow allowed to become a stepparent? And have children too. Out of wedlock? Or from a marriage that ended in divorce?

All of which is totally fine… so long as one isn’t moralising at everyone else on the basis of their Irish Catholicism. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just so you know (step)parents is a fairly standard way of shortening parents or stepparents.

And emotive doesn’t mean the same as emotions.

@BurntToastAgain

Every single aspect of rearing should be discussed. sending cards is pretty evident in the years leading up to marriage - if the partner doesnt see how much you like sending cards to say thanks , that is a red flag

Red flag. 😂😂😂

So, if you got married, you discussed policies on bedroom tidiness for teenagers (who weren’t yet conceived, and without knowing what your living situation would be or what the teenagers you’d be living with would be like)?

Should people who got married before smartphones and tablets have known that they’d need to have prior agreements about screen time, whether tablets could be used in bedrooms, and other things they couldn’t possibly have known about?

What about other, small and infrequent events? Do you need a written agreement about whether you’re going to force your 10 year old to wear the ugly, itchy jumper Great Aunt Agnes knitted for him?

If someone already has children you discuss how they and their non-present partner brings them up and from there you decide if you agree.

If you dont have kids and are thinking of marrying someone, you discuss in depth their beliefs and how they connect with yours

If they dont connect, you dont get married, its very simple

Why the hell would you get married otherwise - marriage isnt just about a love match, its very much more about beliefs and respect.

Specifics are covered in blanket beliefs if you dont already have children:

veganism
feminism
inclusion
What religion will you all follow (manners are included in this)
what education/schools - expectation - to at least get a degree or not
If not academic, must have a job
Beliefs extension - what is acceptable
What age do children have autonomy

Of course you discuss this with your partner - Ive discussed this and more with my child from a very young age and iterated that it is their responsibility to contribute to the household and that if I had, or if they ever choose to be in a partnership (which isnt necessary) then they should expect their partner to think about all these things also.

Ah. The stepparenting crystal ball.

Because nothing ever changes. People don’t change. Circumstances don’t change. Children don’t change radically.

And you can totally know in advance how you are likely to feel about circumstances you didn’t even realise you might need to consider.

@BurntToastAgain

Just a vegan?

What about an Irish Catholic who wouldn’t ‘be allowed to marry a man with children’ but who was somehow allowed to become a stepparent? And have children too. Out of wedlock? Or from a marriage that ended in divorce?

All of which is totally fine… so long as one isn’t moralising at everyone else on the basis of their Irish Catholicism. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just so you know (step)parents is a fairly standard way of shortening parents or stepparents.

And emotive doesn’t mean the same as emotions.

I dont NEED to marry someone. In fact women would be much happier without men full stop. But if men make children they should be made to pay for said children.

And a Catholic cant marry someone who is divorced - in the Catholic church. If someone was married outside the Catholic church, they aren't actually married - legally, but not in the Catholic Church. And you cant be divorced in the Catholic Church - once youre married as a Catholic you are always married.

But Im sure you know that.

Yeah and just a vegan.

If youre not vegan, you're not an animal lover. If youre not catholic, you dont share my religious views. Do you have a problem with my legally protected views?

I know what emotive means - I'm very highly educated thanks

You are assuming that I am not a Catholic.

In any case, your religious beliefs might be protected. But bullshit opinions are most definitely not.

you think emotions are rubbish?

Just to be clear: the above does not suggest you know what ‘emotive rubbish’ means.

Quite the opposite really.

In any case, I’m pretty sure that @KiloWhat can feel extremely confident in ignoring your opinions on her thank you cards. 🤣

If you had 2 kids would you of got them to do one each ?

What the ....

And if an Irish Catholic vegan wanted to give a pov Id welcome it

Would just a good old fashioned Protestant do... I too have views that are "legally protected" so yay. I'm also don't eat plants I find it cruel to the plants so I'm a carnivore basically. And I love animals truly find them rather appetising can't bare it when plants get hurt though. Did you know the smell of freshly cut grass that everyone loves is actually the grass dying in pain 😖 anyway i digress ..

I know what emotive means - I'm very highly educated thanks

Great thank you for reminding us, from your post we didn't get that perspective but you have cleared it up nicely with this statement.

Having children with a man that already has children should be not considered (in my very thoroughly researched opinion)

What would be the point beyond lust?
The bottom line is, if you have children, the children always come first - always

Speaking of being educated, I have a genuine question the Catholic Church where a lot of your ideology stems from research/teachings of the Catholic Church (which you shared with us previously and brought into the debate), how do you reconcile the teachings and saying the above and Catholic Churches very public and well known sex scandals involving minors and sexual abuse. The church didn't put the well fair of those children first, they certainly didn't take ownership or accountability and as far as my research goes consistently swept it under the rug. Arguably the people who did were even higher in the pecking order in the Catholic Church than parents (step or not) are in a family so had a higher duty of care to those children. This went on for multiple years, decades in fact. Hardly leading by example of putting the children first and not behaving in lustful ways. From a moral perspective how can you preach this as the pinochle of moral standards when it's not achieved by your most blessed- it is more of a do as I say and not as I do type thing ? hidden flexibility in the above only extended to the few ? I mean this wasn't a few bad apples this, was well systematic abuse.

"He without sin cast the first stone" seems appropriate right now particularly since we are reviewing morals and responsibility.

Obviously we can debate this nicely as we are both protected by our religious views and adults.

Why hasn't your DH gotten his other kid's admin person (mother) to send thank you cards if it's so important?

YANBU

@worriedatthemoment

If you had 2 kids would you of got them to do one each ?

What's the relevance of this? She doesn't have two kids.

Do you have a problem with my legal protected views?

Using the fact that your views are protected (not veganism lol) as a kind of threat to silence people, while you hurl around hyperbolic insults to everybody who does not share them safe in the knowledge that they can't be seen to criticise them, is highly transparent and makes you look far worse than you think it does.

Also,

What religion will you all follow (manners are included in this)

Manners are clearly NOT included in religion, or you are bad at being religious, because yours are absolutely awful.

You are the step mum so you are automatically in the wrong. The situation doesn't matter. Stepmum = wrong.

You have triggered the MN stepmum clause. Your post is not in AIBU but you are a stepmum, therefore every board is the AIBU board.

You will be treated as though you were the OW and shagged him on the kitchen table while his kids were having dinner, even if you met him 10 years after the divorce.

You have a vagina, therefore all things child related are your responsibility and you are evil if you don't treat your step children like your own

At the same time, you are the step mother and it is not your place to treat your step children as though they are your children. They are not, you need to keep your nose out.

It is mean and unreasonable to expect the father to take care of things. He has his penis and his man job to consider. You must fill the gap while not filling the gap because filling the gap is wrong. You must be available to look after them at any time without complaint but you must not attempt to be any sort of parental figure to them or have any opinions on anything to do with them.

Your own child must never be put first or thought of without first considering your stepchildren. Your stepchildren can of course and should be put first and thought of without any consideration of your child.

Your child is the child of the second marriage. This is wrong.

I mean, there's loads more but basically you're a stepparent and you're a woman so you're fucked.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

I do not have to love them as my own. I love them as them.

OP, this is well phrased and well said. I struggle to articulate my relationship with my step children and I think I am going to steal this from you. Thank you.

The trolls are coming out in force now. I’m glad you are strong enough to hold your own eyes but if you amandine this thread, nobody will blame you. 💐

Thank you.

It's true I love them as them. No need to pretend they are anything else.

Every single aspect of rearing should be discussed. sending cards is pretty evident in the years leading up to marriage - if the partner doesnt see how much you like sending cards to say thanks , that is a red flag

He knew I liked sending cards. We didn't have our child until after marriage. He has never sent a thank card from his other children in my presence. I am the one who has easy access to a postbox so it is usually my job to post things as I go past.

Things we did not discuss include:
Netflix vs Amazon prime
Who makes the packed lunches (he assumed him, I like making them, he is happy to let me).
Mobile phones - his kids his choice
What age DSC can walk to the little shop by themselves (his kids his choice, but he has asked for my input).

We have survived our marriage despite not discussing these in advance.

Ah sorry I see you provided a list.

What religion will you all follow (manners are included in this)

As far as I know, none of them involve thank you cards being signed from everyone in the family.

@IncompleteSenten thats so true!

I think I'm out here, I've got the support I needed and it's getting a bit deep for me to follow!

Thanks so much to all those who understood where I was coming from!

[quote KiloWhat]@IncompleteSenten thats so true!

I think I'm out here, I've got the support I needed and it's getting a bit deep for me to follow!

Thanks so much to all those who understood where I was coming from![/quote]
Deep is one word for it, overzealous and absolutely ridiculous would be others!

I hope your marriage survives this travesty OP