DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

@KiloWhat

They were shop bought. DC scribbled in them.

Is that combination OK?

Oh, I see. Depends. I don't think your family would be expecting to get a thank you card from your step kids but his family might be surprised that you left them out and see it as a slight like your husband does.

I do see why he would think it would look bad. It's exactly as you say, you didn't think of his kids, and he sees this as excluding them. Now you know this so you can either make the effort to include them or dig your heels in and see how that pans out.

If it helps I can see your side, but I can also see his.

I just can't see his side at all. If he thought it was something that all of his children should have done together, he should have sorted it out.

@PleasantBirthday

I just can't see his side at all. If he thought it was something that all of his children should have done together, he should have sorted it out.

He didn't think of it at all.

However, we can surmise that if he had thought of doing cards, he wouldn't have left any of the kids out.

What use is that? If he'd thought of doing something, he'd have included all of his kids, but since he didn't, it falls to someone else with no blame on him? We'd all like a life that hard.

I really can't bare this thread. All this handwringing over a dammed thank you card.

You would think OP had murdered the family cat or similar or was up on trial for murder.

Surely there are some that think the levels of which this thread has gone to are extreme given the "crime".

My god alive. OP I have never felt so sorry for a poster in my life, the drama the sorrow the absolute 🛎 enddry!

@candlelightsatdawn don't feel sorry for me I'm ok I promise. Last night it did get to me a bit. But today I'm chill.

Am just glad I'm not of vulnerable state of mind or had anything major to post about!

@ListeningButNotHearing How in the world could a post on thank you cards cause you to go nuclear on the poor OP? Did this post dredge up negative memories?

@PleasantBirthday

What use is that? If he'd thought of doing something, he'd have included all of his kids, but since he didn't, it falls to someone else with no blame on him? We'd all like a life that hard.

Yeah, it's not the cards though. It's the proof that OP doesn't think of his kids that seems to have caused her husband to be upset.

I suppose it can be used as a lesson and perhaps this small thing has prevented something larger happening that would have really upset the apple cart.

I suppose it can be used as a lesson

I don't need a lesson thanks

Then don't use it as a lesson OP. Listen only to the posters who are telling you that you are 100% right and your husband is 100% wrong.

What you knew before you posted is that your husband thought you were excluding his kids and that hasn't changed by posters telling you that he's a lazy, misogynistic idiot.

Don't be blind-sided by the cards, they're a red-herring, he's upset because you didn't think of his kids, you thought only of your own. It could be any situation where you exclude them unnecessarily and now you know it will upset him. Luckily it's a minor hiccup this time.

What you do with this knowledge is up to you.

So I must now make sure I am thinking of DSC every single time I do something just in case?

@KiloWhat

So I must now make sure I am thinking of DSC every single time I do something just in case?

Of course not. Older kids won't be into toddler activities. It's not that black and white.

If your husband had sent out thank yous or Christmas cards but left your child off, would you be cross with him?

If your husband had sent out thank yous or Christmas cards but left your child off, would you be cross with him

With everyone else's names yes. With just the DSC's names, no. I'd just ask when he was doing his other child's or if I'm doing it.

The key difference being they are all his children so I would expect him to be thinking of them.

Yeah, it's not the cards though. It's the proof that OP doesn't think of his kids that seems to have caused her husband to be upset.

Well, he'll need to grow up a bit. He had children with a different woman, she's their mother, they are the parents. The op isn't in that gang and sometimes that means that everyone will be excluded from some piece of what might be considered family life.

@PleasantBirthday

Yeah, it's not the cards though. It's the proof that OP doesn't think of his kids that seems to have caused her husband to be upset.

Well, he'll need to grow up a bit. He had children with a different woman, she's their mother, they are the parents. The op isn't in that gang and sometimes that means that everyone will be excluded from some piece of what might be considered family life.

He does need to grow up a bit, it is part and parcel about having children with two different people.

However as a Mum who's son has a step parent - my Husband - I would be a bit upset if he was particularly dismissive of them, for example using language like I didn't think about him etc. My children are the most important thing to me, and whilst I don't expect DS to be as important to DH as our joint DS is (he is, because of the dynamic of our family) I would hope that he would spare my feelings by not making it obvious that the caring is so different. I wouldn't cause a scene over it though, internally it would sting a bit that someone I love would be so obvious with their language that they know could hurt me.

However obviously I don't know how OP's DH reacted to it. If he went OTT with his upset, then maybe he deserved a comment like that!

So to be clear, I don't have expectations of DH treating my children the same, however I have expectations that he won't be obvious of his feelings about them. I'm not explaining this very well!

It's not just a function of having different parents, although that's part of it, it's also that they're just at different stages. A toddler us only a baby, really, and the older children probably do their own things that exclude the baby and always will. It's a completely different set up for both groups.

However as a Mum who's son has a step parent - my Husband - I would be a bit upset if he was particularly dismissive of them, for example using language like I didn't think about him etc.

There's nothing upsettingly dismissive about not thinking about someone else's child whilst doing basic mum stuff with your own kid, though. I appreciate that this comment was trying to be balanced but with all due respect, this isn't a valid thing to be upset about and it does reveal undue expectations of your partner if them saying "I didn't think about him" in this capacity would upset you.

@aSofaNearYou

However as a Mum who's son has a step parent - my Husband - I would be a bit upset if he was particularly dismissive of them, for example using language like I didn't think about him etc.

There's nothing upsettingly dismissive about not thinking about someone else's child whilst doing basic mum stuff with your own kid, though. I appreciate that this comment was trying to be balanced but with all due respect, this isn't a valid thing to be upset about and it does reveal undue expectations of your partner if them saying "I didn't think about him" in this capacity would upset you.

As I say @aSofaNearYou , I don't have expectations of DH at all, as it is he has gone above and beyond for DS and I'll be forever grateful but I didn't expect that. I do expect him to be mindful of my feelings though, and speaking dismissively about something that I care a lot about would upset me, yes. I do have that expectation of him yes. I wouldn't argue with him about it though.

@aSofaNearYou

As I say, I didn't explain it very well. I'm very much on OP's side

As I say @aSofaNearYou , I don't have expectations of DH at all, as it is he has gone above and beyond for DS and I'll be forever grateful but I didn't expect that. I do expect him to be mindful of my feelings though, and speaking dismissively about something that I care a lot about would upset me, yes. I do have that expectation of him yes. I wouldn't argue with him about it though.

Yes but as I said, it's not dismissive to say you didn't think about your SC, especially not in this kind of circumstance. It would be dismissive to say "I don't give a shit about them", but not to say you just didn't think of them.There are lots of hours in a day and for most of them I am not thinking about my SC. I expect my DP to respect that and I don't expect him to have sad feelings about it, because it's totally normal. I appreciate it may be slightly different if you are the RP.

It's good that you wouldn't confront him on this but still unreasonable that you would view it as an insult for him to admit to not thinking about your child.

He was only a tad put out/upset not as dramatic as some of the posters on here. So it has made me feel grateful he's been more measured in is upset.

If he'd had a go at me for not thinking of his children that would be different

Could be as simple as actually explaining the difference to him if the roles were reversed @KiloWhat.

You know how he feels, if you explain what you'd have done, it may lower his expectations because he clearly thinks you should treat them all as equals regardless of their parentage.

@KiloWhat

He was only a tad put out/upset not as dramatic as some of the posters on here. So it has made me feel grateful he's been more measured in is upset.

Then I am too glad he didn't go bananas about this.

Frankly you have had some really barking responses over a thank you card and as you said are in a good mental place.

Probably why I float around here because some posters are not in a good headspace and all this shaming happened to someone in a delicate headspace I really would be concerned about the impact of that off the screen.

(Im always floored by the level of madness that some MN users think it's ok to say to another human)

Thank god for the regulars that keep this place in check because frankly I can see why people fear posting. I spend my time catching flies at some of the venom that comes out here. Esp when a thread goes into active.

Depends on the gift. If it was for individual gifts sent to your dc then it should just be from that dc, a joint letter would be odd. If they had a joint gift then a joint letter is OK.