DH upset I left DSC off thank you cards

[KiloWhat]

I did christmas thank you cards from toddler DC and posted them all off to the relatives and now DH is upset that I didn't write the DSC's names on the card. They are both old enough to sort their own thank yous if they wanted to.

I just didn't think to do them from them, just an activity for toddler to do on a cold wet day! Is that odd?

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess I'm a bit fed up of doing a nice thing with DC and then it becoming a 'big deal' because I've not included DSC.

Basically he's too lazy to try and organise it himself I reckon!

Some of these replies are bonkers! Both my children write separate thank you letters. They are 11 and 19. I will be on the back of the 11 year old and if his sister does hers at the same time, I will put them in the same envelope to save on postage but if she doesn't do them, that's on her now. How is it a thank you letter from the child if the op just signs their name? Madness. If Dad wants them to send thank you letters, he needs to enable/ nag/ supervise himself. IF they were in the same house at the time, I might have said ' toddler is doing thank you cards, do you guys want to put yours in the same envelope', but they weren't there so why would you?

But why is it the husband's job to write the cards for his 2 other children and not the one he shares with the OP? Surely when you marry someone with kids you discuss the family dynamic and the rules are set so that if and when you have other children there is continuity? If OP didn;t write thank you cards from the step kids before she had her own kid that shows that she is putting her own child before the stepkids when all kids should be treated equally. The husband has three kids that are biologically his, it is very strange to then have someone in the home that only treats one of the kids as their own! This creates a separation in the home when it is a marriage and combining of families. I

f it is the husbands role to write thank you cards for his own children, this includes the child he has had with the new woman and so OP shouldn't have written any card at all as this creates a clear split between the two family groups that have become one through marriage.

In another respect by wife number 2 writing the card from just her child, she is saying that it is the mother's job to write the cards in each household which is clearly wrong.

Again when a family combines, discussions should be had about what traditions and rules will be followed before any new children are created.

It's very wrong to say, well this child is mine and the others are yours alone. If you don't want to be a family with step children then you don't get involved with a man that already has children.

@doyouwantachuffedybadge

But why is it the husband's job to write the cards for his 2 other children and not the one he shares with the OP? Surely when you marry someone with kids you discuss the family dynamic and the rules are set so that if and when you have other children there is continuity? If OP didn;t write thank you cards from the step kids before she had her own kid that shows that she is putting her own child before the stepkids when all kids should be treated equally. The husband has three kids that are biologically his, it is very strange to then have someone in the home that only treats one of the kids as their own! This creates a separation in the home when it is a marriage and combining of families. I

f it is the husbands role to write thank you cards for his own children, this includes the child he has had with the new woman and so OP shouldn't have written any card at all as this creates a clear split between the two family groups that have become one through marriage.

In another respect by wife number 2 writing the card from just her child, she is saying that it is the mother's job to write the cards in each household which is clearly wrong.

Again when a family combines, discussions should be had about what traditions and rules will be followed before any new children are created.

It's very wrong to say, well this child is mine and the others are yours alone. If you don't want to be a family with step children then you don't get involved with a man that already has children.

Anyone else feel like we've gone all the way back to the beginning of the step parent debate with this comment? 🤦‍♀️

But why is it the husband's job to write the cards for his 2 other children and not the one he shares with the OP?

Well, it looks like, if it were left to him, no thank you cards would have been written at all. Which is fine, if that's how he and the children's mother want it, but the OP wanted ones from her kid so she did them without infringing on the rights of the other parents to not do them if that's their preference and traditional way of doing things with their children.

@PleasantBirthday

But why is it the husband's job to write the cards for his 2 other children and not the one he shares with the OP?

Well, it looks like, if it were left to him, no thank you cards would have been written at all. Which is fine, if that's how he and the children's mother want it, but the OP wanted ones from her kid so she did them without infringing on the rights of the other parents to not do them if that's their preference and traditional way of doing things with their children.

But he did want cards written from his kids. Again, it isnt separate families they are one family. Problems arise when things are discussed before having children.

arent discussed

@doyouwantachuffedybadge

But why is it the husband's job to write the cards for his 2 other children and not the one he shares with the OP? Surely when you marry someone with kids you discuss the family dynamic and the rules are set so that if and when you have other children there is continuity? If OP didn;t write thank you cards from the step kids before she had her own kid that shows that she is putting her own child before the stepkids when all kids should be treated equally. The husband has three kids that are biologically his, it is very strange to then have someone in the home that only treats one of the kids as their own! This creates a separation in the home when it is a marriage and combining of families. I

f it is the husbands role to write thank you cards for his own children, this includes the child he has had with the new woman and so OP shouldn't have written any card at all as this creates a clear split between the two family groups that have become one through marriage.

In another respect by wife number 2 writing the card from just her child, she is saying that it is the mother's job to write the cards in each household which is clearly wrong.

Again when a family combines, discussions should be had about what traditions and rules will be followed before any new children are created.

It's very wrong to say, well this child is mine and the others are yours alone. If you don't want to be a family with step children then you don't get involved with a man that already has children.

Sorry this bingo card square has already been marked.

@aSofaNearYou

But he did want cards written from his kids.

Well, he wanted that to happen after he found out that the OP had already done it with her own child and not with all of his children. If he really wanted it done, he would have sorted it out himself for all his children together. But he didn't, which means he was at least indifferent to the cards. His gripe wasn't that the OP did something with her children without doing the same for his. He wasn't planning to shift himself and do it for anyone.

Again, it isnt separate families they are one family.

You can't pretend that it is just one family like that though, those children have their own mother and the OP can't just swoop in and act like she doesn't exist.

@RedWingBoots Sometimes you read a comment on here and just think "sod this, I'm going back to bed"

We always had to write separate thank you cards for gifts we received (as kids) so I wouldn't be surprised to receive a card, thanking me for one child's gift signed from only that child. Even if it meant sending 2-3 cards in total. You DH should now sit down with DSCs and get them to write their own cards. Then all relatives will think, ah, kids are doing individual cards this year, how lovely.

If it was a general thank you from the family for all gifts received, then yes it's a bit harsh to leave the DSCs off.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@RedWingBoots Sometimes you read a comment on here and just think "sod this, I'm going back to bed" [/quote]
😂 good night, all, I’ll be checking the new posts tomorrow.

If OP didn;t write thank you cards from the step kids before she had her own kid that shows that she is putting her own child before the stepkids when all kids should be treated equally.

How ridiculous 😂

Why would OP, before she had children of her own, step in to write cards from her SCs?? How inappropriate, talk about treading on toes.

All she has done is try to be polite and send thank you cards from her own child!

one assumes the step kids never bothered before about thank you cards. Which the OP probably thought was RUDE but not her place to make them

But she does them with her kid. Dad is only upset as it shows his kids up as rude (and him for not assisting getting them done)

This place! Yet another thread stuffed full of anti-SM drivel.

Ignore it, OP. You did nothing wrong, he just can’t be bothered to do it with his children.

I imagine my DSD mum would be alarmed if I sent out cards signed from SC thanking extended family for their presents with all our names on like one happy family and completely ignoring her.

I imagine she would be like wtf am I potato, that's my kid and my job, back off.

Nah side set that dumper fire of a fight. This is silly.

@candlelightsatdawn

I imagine my DSD mum would be alarmed if I sent out cards signed from SC thanking extended family for their presents with all our names on like one happy family and completely ignoring her.

I imagine she would be like wtf am I potato, that's my kid and my job, back off.

Nah side set that dumper fire of a fight. This is silly.

Even to your/your DH's extended family? When my ex was married I wouldn't have batted an eyelid to them sending out cards from their household to family members - including DS's step mum writing them. I'd find it odder if the expectation was that I sent them. It's a different household to mine. Ex's family consisted of him, his wife and their children (either joint or step children), I'd feel bad thinking how dare SM write a card from DS

I can understand in some instances Mums being upset with step mums doing roles, but not that one. I certainly couldn't get upset with saying I'm not doing it, but step mum isn't allowed to do it either- that sounds a bit weird!

@PleasantBirthday

But he did want cards written from his kids.

Well, he wanted that to happen after he found out that the OP had already done it with her own child and not with all of his children. If he really wanted it done, he would have sorted it out himself for all his children together. But he didn't, which means he was at least indifferent to the cards. His gripe wasn't that the OP did something with her children without doing the same for his. He wasn't planning to shift himself and do it for anyone.

Again, it isnt separate families they are one family.

You can't pretend that it is just one family like that though, those children have their own mother and the OP can't just swoop in and act like she doesn't exist.

But they are one household. If someone has sent presents to all the children in that household which involves, from the ops perspective, her one biological child and two step children, then its odd to send a card from the one child.

Why is it so odd to presume that before having children with someone who already has children that you discuss how the household is going to work? Do step parents really treat their stepkids as their partners concern and then treat their own children as different entities completely?

Id be well and truly pissed off if I married someone who treated my child lesser than their own biological child. Marriage is a union and although I'd never again be with a man who already had children, if I did, Id fully expect the household to function as a unit rather than two separate households. What the other parent does in their home is their business and although it would be fortuitous to have a blanket approach to multiple households, this I expect would be rare (which is another reason I think having children with multiple partners is not in the best interest of the children at all and why I would never do this)

@sofakingcool honestly she wouldn't be happy. She's been clear about how she views my input and I respect that. I could send it to my family and she would be none the wiser but that's still in my view disrespecting her wishes

She's of the opinion and right to say that SD is responsible for sending out thank yous to all relatives both sides and that if any prompting needs happening, they aren't to come from me only the parents. Which is fair. She wants DSD to be responsible and bare the consequences if she doesn't send thank yous.

Like hell would I cross the very specific lines she's set. If she cared enough for this to be a thing (way before me) then I will let it be a thing after I arrived. Whether I agree with it is not my place to say either way.

Id be well and truly pissed off if I married someone who treated my child lesser than their own biological child.

Then, assuming you mean lesser to the step parent, rather than lesser as a human being, you have unreasonable expectations and YOU would be the problem.

@aSofaNearYou

Id be well and truly pissed off if I married someone who treated my child lesser than their own biological child.

Then, assuming you mean lesser to the step parent, rather than lesser as a human being, you have unreasonable expectations and YOU would be the problem.

You think it's unreasonable that when you marry someone you also take on responsibility for their child? Why bother getting married at all if you aren't prepared to love your stepkids as much as your own child? You aren't just marrying the person, you are "blending" as a family. If you're marrying someone with children and you are fully aware that they have children whom then become your step children. WTF would I marry someone who didnt love my kid?! Or do people only marry to create their own kids? If so, as I've expressed previously, don;t marry someone who already has kids - marry someone who is childless, or, if having a child is your priority, have a child on your own.

Marriage is whats your is mine and mine is yours, this includes kids. Again, why I would never do it (but if I did would expect a partner to treat my child as their own)

Why bother getting married at all if you aren't prepared to love your stepkids as much as your own child?

There's no point in having unrealistic expectations of what your feelings could be. That's setting everyone up for failure. You need to know your limits. You aren't going to love them like you love your own children. And they also won't love you like they love their parents.

Why bother getting married at all if you aren't prepared to love your stepkids as much as your own child

Got to be one of the most naive things I've ever read in my life.

Hardly anyone loves anyone as much as they love their own kids.

And it case it isn't clear, as I fear it is, I am most definitely on the side of women in hetero relationships such as this who should expect more from relationships. Not just more, but the best, and having a child with a man who already has kids, is not the best. For the woman and the children involved.

@aSofaNearYou

Why bother getting married at all if you aren't prepared to love your stepkids as much as your own child

Got to be one of the most naive things I've ever read in my life.

Hardly anyone loves anyone as much as they love their own kids.

So people who adopt children and then have biological children don't love their adopted kids as much as the ones that are biologically their own. Maybe cis men dont love their biological kids as much because they haven't been pregnant with them? Or perhaps in same sex couples where only one has birthed them, the other doesnt love the kids as much? Love doesnt rely on biology. You may love your spouse in a different way to your kids, but you still love them surely?

Probably why I float around here because some posters are not in a good headspace and all this shaming happened to someone in a delicate headspace I really would be concerned about the impact of that off the screen. @candlelightsatdawn thank you. Thank you so much for doing this. I know there are times when I would have been vulnerable to taking it all to heart and I can only imagine how tough it must be if someone reaches out on here about a major issue and gets the sort of response I've had from some people.