Married to a widower with daughters

[No1toerag]

We're both late 50's... me divorced for 6 years, I was also in a relationship for 3 1/2 since the divorce, he's widowed for 2 years ( sadly it was incurable and despite battling , she lost her life after 30 happy years together)
my understanding is that his grieving started way before she died, so a few months after her passing he went on line ( he's not an on line kind of guy, just craved someone to love and share his life with)
It was a mutual attraction, 'Love at first sight' undoubtedly, we have so much in common ( he and his wife shared professions, and family but not hobbies or interests ) and it's been fabulous throughout our 18 month relationship .
We got married within 12 months of meeting.
Just in the last few months his DD ( 24 & 27, both living with their long term partners ) have expectations of him, that he'll be available at the drop of a hat (which he generally accepts)
It's been tricky however over Christmas as they've arranged things for him ( without me) without even asking if he's free....and have this expectation that he's got nothing better to do than jump to the click of their fingers ( which he admits to doing as a means of 'compensating' for their mum's death)
It is now causing issues as we have a life and friends / social life & commitments together, and all we ask is the courtesy of them asking if he / we would like or be available to do certain things....
I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but please set me right ? !!
He's such a lovely man and is caught between that 'rock' and 'hard ' place
( to add , Christmas Day did not go according to plan, it was 'my family' & a couple of mutual friends ( his DD's were doing their own thing, as Christmas is very difficult for them) his DD came over unexpectedly ( he'd been with them in the morning ) with her partner and wanted her dad's undivided attention for 4 hours ) which basically meant that he didn't join us at the table, or even TALK with any of us ( or me ) as he thought 'it might 'upset' his daughter if he was seen taking to other people ( ie my family / mutual friends)
On the positive side, a friend's 87 yr old mother proclaimed it was the best Christmas she'd ever had. So worth it but ... how long do we let his DD's behave like this? With not acknowledging our relationship, or any respect for our ( now joint ) lives?

"how long do we let his DD's behave like this?"

I think you need to remove the "we" from this. It's up to him to manage his DDs behaviour (if he thinks it appropriate), not you, especially as they're adults. Your lives may now be joint - but his lives are "joint" with his DDs too, and you also need to acknowledge and respect that. His DDs should come before you IMO, especially as it has been only two years since their mum passed and now he's quickly remarried.

You met him within a few months of his wife passing and married him in 12 months, honesty no wonder his DDs are perhaps a bit more demanding of his attention, they've recently lost their mum, very young as well, and now their dad is remarried. They're probably still grieving.

"as he thought 'it might 'upset' his daughter if he was seen taking to other people"

This is your DH potentially overthinking the situation, he's acted a certain way incase he upsets someone - I highly doubt his daughter ordered him to to talk to anyone.

In your OP you do sound slightly resentful of his DDs (the comment about jumping to clicks of fingers especially), did you assume they'd welcome you with open arms? Or perhaps as they're older they wouldn't be involved in plans / have an input on their dads life? Tbh they should be his priority.

If you want to be considered / invited to future plans I'd leave it to your DH to communicate / initiate this, it's a delicate situation and tbh I think it needs to be lead by how comfortable his DDs are. They're navigating a lot, and 2 years really isn't a long time to have got used to your new relationship / the huge changes in their lives.

That's such a short time for him to meet and marry someone else - I imagine they're were devastated as they're still grieving (& I imagine he is too).

It is up to him what sort of relationship he wants with his daughters and up to him to manage this. Obviously speak to him if it's affecting you and your relationship but making him be stuck between 'a rock and a hard place' sounds awful. Trying to stop him having a loving relationship with his recently bereaved daughters really does sound terrible and I feel for them a lot.

’he's widowed for 2 years’
’We got married within 12 months of meeting’

Wow.

’how long do we let his DD's behave like this? With not acknowledging our relationship, or any respect for our ( now joint ) lives?’

I think he’s lucky that he still has a relationship with his DDs. There’s moving fast and there’s being stunningly disrespectful.

Theyre probably acting like this as theyre grieving. Your husband might have only taken 5 minutes to.move on but his children certainly havent. How come you got married so quickly? I hope he protected his daughters inheritence

Oh my goodness op, where is your heart?!
.Has no one ever told you that after his beloved wife, his daughters are next in importance to him and then his other family members and then you?

Do not ever understimate the love between a dad and his daughters and there is no point in being jealous of his time with them, he will choose them over you and so you must get used to this for your own good or you will create a wedge.

Always be generous towards them and their time they need him, let him go.

You don't want to come across as the wicked witch because it you do, the only one who will lose out will be you.

Best cultivate the kindest, loveliest relationship as you can with them because he will always choose them over you.

I'm really not surprised they're struggling tbh. Their dad remarried a year after their mum died. Can you honestly not see why they've reacted the way they have?

Cool. Thank you all for your comments .

2nd christmas without their mum, and their dads new wife is pissed off that they need him

I dont think I would be able to even sit in a room with my father and a wife that he married in such a short time frame after my mother dying. In fact I think I would be pretty sickened and not want a single thing to do with him. So I would take the fact they even stepped foot inside your home at Christmas as a positive because I am confident me or my siblings wouldn't have.

They are both quite young to have lost a parent and you sound extremely blind to the challenges the choices you both have made will have impacted on them.

They don't actually have to accept you at all. They are adults. Marriage so soon after the death of their mother doesn't seen like either of your took their feelings or interests into account. So Im not sure why you expect that courtesy from them It's?

It's then up to your dh to decide if he wants to keep a relationship with his children seperate to yours.

Wow you both really rushed into it. This must have need hard on his daughters. What on Earth was he thinking?

Has no one ever told you that after his beloved wife, his daughters are next in importance to him and then his other family members and then you?

This is a little rude. Not sure how you know l of his family come before his new wife.

BUT I agree otherwise OP that you and this man married very quickly after his wife died and I totally understand why they would find it hard and why he would want to protect them.

IMHO he should have thought more about them before marrying so soon but he didn't so they least he could do is be there when they need him now.

They shouldn't be rude or dismissive of you but I can understand how it could too painful to accept your role in their dad's life.

I think the speed that he has moved on must feel so disrespectful to their mum. You met within six months of his previous wife dying and married six months later. I feel empathy for those poor young women. You don’t appear to have much appreciation of their loss.

Yep. You're all right. I'm the one who needed that wake up call.
Thank you .

OP, you don't say what prompted the daughter to make this unplanned visit on Xmas day. Was there some kind of crisis situation in the she needed or their that she needed her father's support or input?

I don't think that you provide enough information to receive any inform input

It may seem to them that he married unexpectedly soon after his wife' s death, but that alone would not necessarily be related to his daughter having some kind of crisis that just happened to occur on Xmas day.

The fact that he spent 4 hours engaged with his daughter does sunny that he too thought it to be something of a serious nature.

You had six years to adjust to the loss of your marriage and partner. He had or took less than a year to make that adjustment. Maybe he is just realizing that a bit more time taken would have made this transition easier.

I might be good for him to find someone with whom he can speak who is neither you nor one of his daughters.

You married into a situation that brought its own unique complexities, it may take some time for his daughters to come to terms with their new reality. To the extent that his daughters feelings matter to him, he may find it difficult to sort all of the changes.

Ask yourself if within a year of your divorce were you.ready to have dated and married someone that you had just met on line? How prepared and readily accepting would your children or family have been of that decision?

If this relationship is going to stand the test of time, patience on your part may be required.

His daughters are still grieving. Their whole world came crashing down. Then their father met and married someone else within a year.

Why the rush to marry again so fast?

I was the daughter of a widower that remarried within 12 months, gosh where do I even start, his daughters have lost their mother, who was everything to them, they can’t just move on, I truly believe my DF moved on quickly because he needed someone to look after him. It’s a known fact men move on quickly for this reason alone. It took me a long time to accept his new relationship, I probably never did, in the end he moved away with her and I saw him perhaps once every other year, eventually I realised he had another lifetime with step mother, of which I was never going to be a part of because the resentment of the relationship starting so early after losing my DM was never going to go away.

There wasn't a crisis, his daughter decided ( with her partner) to come over after spending the morning with their dad. But it proved overwhelming for her . I'm grateful for your honest comments . Thank you .

Be patient with them and allow them the grace of their fathers undivided attention. They will eventually come round. Don't build walls or make him choose. xxx

OP, you've been very gracious on this thread.

Remarriage within 12 months of his wife's death is quick. His daughters are young to have lost a parent and have only just started having a relationship with him as adults that hasn't been built around their mother, his wife, being seriously and then terminally ill.

How he behaves now is important for their future relationship. He is their father for life, not just their childhood. He is their only living parent. He needs to show them he hasn't "moved on" from them as well.

That said, he can start to gently set some boundaries. It is odd that he didn't join you at the table (and make space for his daughter?). He could start to mention his plans - if they expect him to drop everything for something unimportant, he can ask them to reschedule.

However, if you are unable to accept their continued importance in his life, you should not marry a widower.

This exact same scenario happened to my best friend in his twenties. Mother died and his father was out dating within months. Remarried within a year. He seemed very happy.

For my friend? It irretrievably ruined their relationship and I think also pushed him into full blown depression. He was very close to his mother, that loss crushed him. Then within a blink, his dad was playing home with another woman, so he had to process the loss of not only his mum, but also his dad and actually the marriage he thought they had. There is no part of him that has ever understood how his father was able to remarry and move on so quickly.

Last I heard they were pretty much no contact.

Your DH’s DD’s will be dealing with a lot and amongst it will be anger and also a huge amount of disorientation.
I’ve had bad relationship break ups that I have stayed single after, this man had a 30 year marriage!

Sorry pressed post too soon.

What I mean to say is a lot has happened here. This is fast and a lot for his daughters to understand and process

Similar happened in my family. My aunt died leaving my uncle in his mid 50s and a daughter who was 21. A couple of years later he met his 2nd wife and they met and married within a year.

They bought a new house, gave the daughter some profit from the old one, to buy a house of her own. So far, so good. But the second wife felt that she didn’t want a single thing of my uncle’s previous possessions in her/their new home. Everything was either passed to my cousin or charity shopped - everything from art to kitchen utensils. My cousin found the erasing of her dad’s previous life even more upsetting than her dad moving on so quickly. Twenty years later and I’d say they have a cordial relationship at best, because everything just went too quickly.

My mum died when I was a young adult. My dad never dated and died a few years after my mum. Losing a parent at that young age is especially hard. I knew my dad may marry again but I would have been distraught if it had been within the first two or three years. Just tread carefully and sensitively.

@Schoolchoicesucks .... there were places set / always open house with spaces for anyone and everyone, ( although I must come across like a real a bitch !) but the environment was overwhelming for DD. So DH sat with her while we ate, her fiancé wanted them to go home to their new house and eat what they'd preparedbut it didn't happen.
Alcohol related Christmas emotions certainly played a part!
I am more than grateful for everyone's honest input. Again, thank you

Well done for being so gracious Op - if you can have empathy for your DSDs & support your husband to support turn then no doubt you will all have a very happy future together. Good luck

Tbh you both behaved appalling getting together so quickly after their mothers passing then marrying within the year without any conversation to his dds, did they attend the wedding? I would have gone no contact if my df did that. Christmas brings up alot of emotions and she's clearly struggling. You don't sound very welcoming or kind towards them given the fact they lost their mother. Are you living in the family home? Has all reference of their mother being erased?