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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Married to a widower with daughters

152 replies

No1toerag · 26/12/2021 20:07

We're both late 50's... me divorced for 6 years, I was also in a relationship for 3 1/2 since the divorce, he's widowed for 2 years ( sadly it was incurable and despite battling , she lost her life after 30 happy years together)
my understanding is that his grieving started way before she died, so a few months after her passing he went on line ( he's not an on line kind of guy, just craved someone to love and share his life with)
It was a mutual attraction, 'Love at first sight' undoubtedly, we have so much in common ( he and his wife shared professions, and family but not hobbies or interests ) and it's been fabulous throughout our 18 month relationship .
We got married within 12 months of meeting.
Just in the last few months his DD ( 24 & 27, both living with their long term partners ) have expectations of him, that he'll be available at the drop of a hat (which he generally accepts)
It's been tricky however over Christmas as they've arranged things for him ( without me) without even asking if he's free....and have this expectation that he's got nothing better to do than jump to the click of their fingers ( which he admits to doing as a means of 'compensating' for their mum's death)
It is now causing issues as we have a life and friends / social life & commitments together, and all we ask is the courtesy of them asking if he / we would like or be available to do certain things....
I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but please set me right ? !!
He's such a lovely man and is caught between that 'rock' and 'hard ' place
( to add , Christmas Day did not go according to plan, it was 'my family' & a couple of mutual friends ( his DD's were doing their own thing, as Christmas is very difficult for them) his DD came over unexpectedly ( he'd been with them in the morning ) with her partner and wanted her dad's undivided attention for 4 hours ) which basically meant that he didn't join us at the table, or even TALK with any of us ( or me ) as he thought 'it might 'upset' his daughter if he was seen taking to other people ( ie my family / mutual friends)
On the positive side, a friend's 87 yr old mother proclaimed it was the best Christmas she'd ever had. So worth it but ... how long do we let his DD's behave like this? With not acknowledging our relationship, or any respect for our ( now joint ) lives?

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 26/12/2021 21:58

Just read your previous thread from 2019 with a different partner and you struggled to adapt to being a step parent then and had issues. I suspect your not particular interested in the existing children and want the main focus on your relationship.

InFiveMins · 26/12/2021 22:04

Wow. I feel deeply sorry for his children.

lunar1 · 26/12/2021 22:05

The whole thing is unbelievably grim.

Fridafever · 26/12/2021 22:06

Sadly I think men do often “move on” from their children when they’re no longer with the mother. This happens with divorce too but is particularly difficult for children where the mother has died.

JacquelineCarlyle · 26/12/2021 22:14

I think that's a very specific type of man @Fridafever - not any of the decent men I've encountered thankfully.

PPCD · 26/12/2021 22:17

You sound like you have little empathy. Start putting yourself in their shoes for once.

VodselForDinner · 26/12/2021 22:21

Sadly, OP, you’ve married a man with no sense of loyalty so you can’t be surprised that this is happening?

Skeumorph · 26/12/2021 22:27

OP, your responses on this thread show that you’re a considerate person. I’m sure you and your DH are happy and lucky to have found each other. And, I’m sure it will work out for the wider family given your obviously kind nature. BUT. I read this with my mouth open. JESUS! Two christmases ago they were with their parents, 30 years together and their family forever. Less than 24 months later, their mum is gone and their dad is juggling his new WIFE’S family at Xmas. Omfg. No. Yes he’s lucky that they’re even calling round. It’s way way too soon and they must be reeling. Stand back, let him spend time with them, if it does come good it will probably be because you seem nice - he’s clearly a complete twat, sorry. Good luck.

Cactuslove · 26/12/2021 22:28

I read your OP and just felt so much for your husbands daughters. However having read your replies its obvious you're navigating a new situation too- and are trying to understand. I agree with the precious poster who just said to not build walls, don't make it into.a choice. Patience will win out here I think.

Skeumorph · 26/12/2021 22:28

@Bananarama21

Just read your previous thread from 2019 with a different partner and you struggled to adapt to being a step parent then and had issues. I suspect your not particular interested in the existing children and want the main focus on your relationship.
😲
BoudecaBains · 26/12/2021 22:29

They are his children , irrespective of their age, and will always be his priority. You must have known that before you decided to marry the guy. Don't ask him to make a choice.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 26/12/2021 22:35

Jesus wept. I am nearly 40 and my mum died a few weeks ago. If by next Christmas my dad had married and lived in with another woman, I would be a mess too.

Their 2nd Christmas without their mum and their dad is living with and married to someone else. That someone else who can't understand why a grieving daughter might want to be with her dad and need some support.

If its true you consistently, have issues with the children of men you get with...stop getting with men who have children.

I think both you and him and acting quite appallingly. I just can't believe you married someone so quickly after their wife died.

ballsdeep · 26/12/2021 22:36

@Bananarama21

Just read your previous thread from 2019 with a different partner and you struggled to adapt to being a step parent then and had issues. I suspect your not particular interested in the existing children and want the main focus on your relationship.
Shock Ip what on earth were you thinking?! Surely if this isn't your first rodeo with step children, you knew what to expect!

I feel sorry for his children
The second Christmas without their mother and their father is already shacked up with someone new.

NiceTwin · 26/12/2021 22:45

Is there any reason you married with such indecent haste?
I do feel for his daughter's, so much change in such little time. It must be like their meant nothing to him.

Do they maybe see you as a gold digger?

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/12/2021 22:56

Is there any reason you married with such indecent haste?

Spend enough time in the hospice with a dying spouse, and then with their dead body for hours while the paperwork is completed - and you know, like nobody else does unless they've been through it - that they are never coming back. You will not be the same person again. You have just aged a decade mentally, possible physically too. And now you are alone.

Keeping2ChevronsApart · 26/12/2021 23:08

@Bananarama21

Just read your previous thread from 2019 with a different partner and you struggled to adapt to being a step parent then and had issues. I suspect your not particular interested in the existing children and want the main focus on your relationship.
If you read the replies you'd have seen that most posters agreed with her.
Bananarama21 · 26/12/2021 23:19

Keeping2ChevronsApart it demonstrates she had issues with step children previously requiring attention It comes across in this thread she's resentful of the fact his adults dds need their df despite the fact they are clearly struggling with the lost of their dm and the speed of their father relationship its pretty relevant.

saraclara · 26/12/2021 23:21

Good on you for taking comments on board, OP. But as someone widowed when my DDs were in their early/ mid 20s, I read your OP with alarm. Our family Christmases were wonderful, and we continue with then every year since he died. I can't begin to imagine not having Christmas with my daughters, choosing instead to have it with my new partners family, just two years later. But nor can I imagine expecting them to deal with me remarrying a year later.

I had plenty of time to grieve before my DH died, too. But that didn't give me license to act like it hadn't happened.

Those poor young women. The fact that you don't expect them to have the same place in his life now is really worrying, and speaks of a lack of empathy. It's also worrying that he was prepared to displace them at Christmas.

Hopefully, as you're listening, you'll start approaching their relationship with him differently in future.

NiceTwin · 26/12/2021 23:23

@SpaceshiptoMars

Is there any reason you married with such indecent haste?

Spend enough time in the hospice with a dying spouse, and then with their dead body for hours while the paperwork is completed - and you know, like nobody else does unless they've been through it - that they are never coming back. You will not be the same person again. You have just aged a decade mentally, possible physically too. And now you are alone.

Doesn't really answer the question, which was to the op, but okay. I suppose people walk their own path. I couldn't contemplate a new relationship in that time scale, let alone marriage. Not a long drawn out death but the outcome was the same, sadly
Firefliess · 26/12/2021 23:35

My grandad was widowed in his early 60s. A year later he met a new woman and 12 months later they married. My mum and her brother (early 30s) were delighted that he'd found someone. Their new stepmum was lovely to us all and gave my grandad another 20 years of happy married life. It really doesn't have to be something threating or to feel guilty about finding love again after bereavement. He's allowed a new partner and he's also allowed his own social life, with prior commitments being respected, unless the DDs' needs are some sort of emergency or big issue. You don't just ditch people because adult children suddenly demand to see you. I'd talk to him about why he feels he does this, and if he's really struggling with guilt about their mum dying (obviously not his fault at all) then suggest some berievement counseling to help him deal with this.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 05:31

You don't just ditch people because adult children suddenly demand to see you. I'd talk to him about why he feels he does this,

You may not do. But many people absolutely would. I absolutely would especially when my child has recently been bereaved. And definitely when Christmas is such a difficult time.

ShippingNews · 27/12/2021 05:48

Christmas Day did not go according to plan, it was 'my family' & a couple of mutual friends ( his DD's were doing their own thing, as Christmas is very difficult for them)

I assume that Christmas is difficult for his DDs because of their memories of their mother ? No wonder it was going to be awful for his daughter to walk into the scenario of "your family and mutual friends" .

Are you living in his house, the one where he lived with their mother? It must be horrible for the DDs if that is the case .

It might have been more sensitive to invite the DDs and their partners for a small dinner on Christmas Eve , just them and your husband and you. Or you could have met them at a restaurant , neutral territory perhaps.

I can only suggest that you use this episode as a learning experience , op. Your DH's daughters are not going away, they'll always be part of his life, and as his new wife you need to tread very carefully.

Lovemylittlebear · 27/12/2021 06:13

Oh this is so sad to read :( He needs supporting to support his children. Christmas must have been really difficult for the girls. I think it’s good that his daughter turned up to be with her dad (in this situation) as she was brave to do that and seek comfort from him. Please be kind and accepting of his girls and their grief as I’m sure that love and support would really help them out…even if that comes with the space to let your husband be with them without you there during the early stages of grief x

YourenutsmiLord · 27/12/2021 06:20

my understanding is that his grieving started way before she died, so a few months after her passing he went on line ( he's not an on line kind of guy, just craved someone to love and share his life with)

This is awful - I get a terminal disease and DH starts 'grieving' ie excusing getting straight online for a replacement.
You might believe he'd done several month's of 'grieving' but I'm very sure his upset daughters didn't.
Men are selfish Bs.
A neighbour's wife died, his work colleague 'supported' him in his grieving - think they were together a couple of months later.
Everyone else was shocked.

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2021 06:34

It’s not a short space of time to meet and marry someone.

Often it’s the case men will become widowers and be married within 24 months

On another thread running a poster has put the old phrase

Woman grieve, men replace

It’s not always the case but it’s often how things happen

It is a case of he is the person to sort out the situation arising with his daughters. Unfortunately he probably won’t. As he will keep ignoring until the next time hoping that each time it’s the last

I do wonder what on earth did his daughters partner think ? Must have ruined his day sat around for 4 hours