Married to a widower with daughters

[No1toerag]

We're both late 50's... me divorced for 6 years, I was also in a relationship for 3 1/2 since the divorce, he's widowed for 2 years ( sadly it was incurable and despite battling , she lost her life after 30 happy years together)
my understanding is that his grieving started way before she died, so a few months after her passing he went on line ( he's not an on line kind of guy, just craved someone to love and share his life with)
It was a mutual attraction, 'Love at first sight' undoubtedly, we have so much in common ( he and his wife shared professions, and family but not hobbies or interests ) and it's been fabulous throughout our 18 month relationship .
We got married within 12 months of meeting.
Just in the last few months his DD ( 24 & 27, both living with their long term partners ) have expectations of him, that he'll be available at the drop of a hat (which he generally accepts)
It's been tricky however over Christmas as they've arranged things for him ( without me) without even asking if he's free....and have this expectation that he's got nothing better to do than jump to the click of their fingers ( which he admits to doing as a means of 'compensating' for their mum's death)
It is now causing issues as we have a life and friends / social life & commitments together, and all we ask is the courtesy of them asking if he / we would like or be available to do certain things....
I really don't think I'm being unreasonable but please set me right ? !!
He's such a lovely man and is caught between that 'rock' and 'hard ' place
( to add , Christmas Day did not go according to plan, it was 'my family' & a couple of mutual friends ( his DD's were doing their own thing, as Christmas is very difficult for them) his DD came over unexpectedly ( he'd been with them in the morning ) with her partner and wanted her dad's undivided attention for 4 hours ) which basically meant that he didn't join us at the table, or even TALK with any of us ( or me ) as he thought 'it might 'upset' his daughter if he was seen taking to other people ( ie my family / mutual friends)
On the positive side, a friend's 87 yr old mother proclaimed it was the best Christmas she'd ever had. So worth it but ... how long do we let his DD's behave like this? With not acknowledging our relationship, or any respect for our ( now joint ) lives?

All she is asking is that, if she and dh have plans, the dd don’t barge in and disrupt them. Common courtesy.

You see I completely disagree, in this situation. Obviously, if they had plans and she wanted him to take her to the supermarket for a packet of crisps, then he should stick to the plans.

I can't ever fathom me thinking my plans would always come first, in every situation. There are times that plans change because someone's need is more.

And yes, I would sit with my adult dd if she was struggling with the death of her father, on the second Christmas he was gone.

I am not even with her dad and I know dp and his family would understand. If dps ex died and his adult son needed him last minute at Christmas because he was struggling I would understand too. Grief doesn't leys stick to a schedule.

Theres also a good chance that he felt he wanted to be with his dd as well, instead of with his new wife's family to grieve himself, but just isn't saying.

Again, thank you so much for the observations and comments . Some posters have maybe not read earlier threads, to to recap I am financially independent, we don't live in the ( former) family home and I have a relationship with both of his DDs and respective partners. Of course everyone was invited on Christmas Day , not only family . I give DH all the space he wants ( and they want) to see his DDs on his own but I will also join in when invited ( which is more often than not )
Of course I respect their loss, but credit to them , they do not feel unable to talk about their mum in my presence and ( being a grown up) I'm comfortable talking about her too.
The majority of the negative comments seem to focus on marrying in 'indecent' haste; but we all know that life can be short . I was totally anti marriage after my divorce , but it was right, and you can never understand this feeling unless you've been there . What's the right timescale or is it age related?
His DD and fiancé attended the wedding , and sang. Please do not think for one moment I'm unsympathetic to the emotional needs of 20 something girls, I have 2 of my own and I will look after his DDs just the same as I look after my own, it's a path I've never been down before hence my asking for direction.
So any comments which may help us nativage these relationships would be gratefully received. Thank you again

“ I am not even with her dad and I know dp and his family would understand. If dps ex died and his adult son needed him last minute at Christmas because he was struggling I would understand too. Grief doesn't leys stick to a schedule.”

• I don’t disagree with you here.

“ Just in the last few months his DD ( 24 & 27, both living with their long term partners ) have expectations of him, that he'll be available at the drop of a hat (which he generally accepts)”

• I was more responding to this, which implies the dd demand dh’s time over more general matters.

See op if you all have a good relationship and they are generally happy with you.

I definitely would be giving them sympathy and understanding. Rather than feeling put out.

Riverlee I can see that it should happen all the time. For any reason. But I think in this case, it can be understood.

And now I feel I have to clarify for those who are seeking to judge me - I've been divorced for 6 years, but that was years after we split up. Does that timescale make a difference in your judgement of my interim relationship ?

That's it from me, I'm more than grateful to you all for commenting , and hope that, in time, all our girls will realise that we can be stronger for them, and support their needs better, if we are in a good place ourselves. I turned to MN because it's mutually supportive ( wish it had been around when my DDs were growing up! ) . To those who are on here just to judge, please consider the impact that may have, before posting.

@trackerc ... g'ma worse than useless. Sat at the table enjoying her dinner ! 😬from the generation ' it's not her place' to get involved

As someone who lost their mum recently and I am NC with my father for many reasons but he moved another woman in less than 6 months after she died, I will add suddenly and unexpectedly, after 40 years of marriage. He's lucky his kids are even speaking to him let alone want his attention, he has moved on far too fast and I cannot believe nor understand after a 30 year relationship/ marriage why he felt the need to get married again M

@Fastforwardtospring I would be so interested to chat privately if you were open to it ( pls read my other PP) x

It is a tricky situation because his daughters will be wondering how he could find love with another woman when their darling mother has died and they are grieving and he is apparently not?

My partner had been living alone for years when he met me. It suited his ex and his daughter because he was readily available for money and lifts and anything else they required.
He was there, and if they needed him they knew he would oblige. They were unkind.
When he met me his daughter used him so badly. Lifts here and there all the time even though he had moved to live with me, he was summoned to give lifts to work and airports and parties meaning he had to travel 20 miles to get there, and then the taxiing and then 20 miles home, and then back to pick her up.
We were living together but I hardly saw him and at the weekend she always had a full schedule so we had no quality of life at all.
She dictated his life pretty much and did not care if he was ill - he still had to do everything she demanded.
In the end when he was exhausted and his work was being affected, he had to start saying 'no' or she would be still doing it now.
Talking would have been the best option.
Telling her she was loved and valued would have been sensible but he is not like that and so she abused his good nature since she thought he had replaced her with me which was nonsense.
Communication is the answer.

From your subsequent posts it doesn't sound like your husbands daughters resent you but more that they are requiring your husband to fill the role of mother and father which can be a bit time consuming.

Perhaps there is a middle ground? Unless it's urgent could your husband start by saying no every now and then. So not all the time but a slow weaning of him having to drop everything and you cancelling plans until a bit more time has passed and they are coping better in their grief.

@mrssunshinexxx

As someone who lost their mum recently and I am NC with my father for many reasons but he moved another woman in less than 6 months after she died, I will add suddenly and unexpectedly, after 40 years of marriage. He's lucky his kids are even speaking to him let alone want his attention, he has moved on far too fast and I cannot believe nor understand after a 30 year relationship/ marriage why he felt the need to get married again M

Firstly I'm so sorry about the loss of your mum 💐 Grief is hard because it can hide in a variety of emotions

But I'm going to say this gently and it's meant kindly. Your anger at your dad moving on so quickly is misdirected grief. Sounds like your angry you have lost your mum and that's totally acceptable.

From your position within a family unit you wouldn't seen the personal and intimate details of their marriage, your mum may have specifically said she would want your father to move on or whatever else may have been discussed and that's just simply not something parents discuss with their children.

Your hurting and I really get it but people do have the right to move on and no one can replace your mum.

I hope you find peace 💐 the grief less all consuming at some point.

I appreciate your post @candlelightsatdawn but if you knew the full story you would say something very different I can assure you x

Your anger at your dad moving on so quickly is misdirected grief.

I think that anger is perfectly justified - her father did not just start a new relationship, he moved in with her, within 6 months of hi wife dying. Regardless of any agreement he had with his wife, that's incredibly quickly & would naturally upset DC, on its own, not just as part of grieving their mum.

@mrssunshinexxx I completely believe this isn't the only reason you went no NC with your dad. That is not a small move anyone undertakes with no reason. I don't wish to unhash any painful memories at a time esp when you are grieving, just simply stating another perspective from another who has experienced grief as anger so potent I could have set world alight .

@EarringsandLipstick Regardless of any agreement he had with his wife
I disagree with this here as this situation she's not just wife but mum. I may not be agree with decisions my late father made but I respect his wishes even within death, I am open to the thought that their marriage was a private one and I may have had views on it but its simply not my place to comment or condemn. I'm not saying that this is case here with this poster, just suggesting a alternative. The other alternative is quite simply people do unusual things in grief. Specifics matter and right now this poster does not owe anyone any specifics.

However this is side tracking from main op and the above OP is grieving so let's just leave it there.

Thank you @EarringsandLipstick the hardest part of grieving is people will never understand each person's unique grief. It's exhausting I miss her more than words could ever explain

But I'm going to say this gently and it's meant kindly. Your anger at your dad moving on so quickly is misdirected grief. Sounds like your angry you have lost your mum and that's totally acceptable.

If it's so easy to move on it means the 'one and only', the 'love of your life', the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with, wasn't that at all, it was just who you ended up with and you can replace quite easily once they've gone.

If it's so easy to move on it means the 'one and only', the 'love of your life', the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with, wasn't that at all, it was just who you ended up with and you can replace quite easily once they've gone.

You cannot replace the person who they were. Moving on is part of grieving and accepting that that person is gone and will not be coming back. Some people reach that acceptance faster than others. As people get older, they have seen more death, endured more bereavements, and perhaps that acceptance comes faster than to the young.

@YourenutsmiLord that's definitely a big part of the sadness especially as my mum gave her whole life to being a wife and mum my dad was and is very selfish man my mum was always bottom of the pile and that hurts as I wish she had had better in terms of love and a husband . I'm glad she had a few very very good friends and had fun with them she had a lot of loss and trauma in her life so I guess I'm grieving for my and also for her and everything she has missed out on she died 6 weeks before I gave birth to my first baby so it's been heart breaking to not her as I became a mum I pine for her but she isn't coming back anyway I'll stop derailing the thread now

I think the thing is that when you lose a parent, that's a permanent loss and you'll never ever have another else fill that role for you. It's not quite the same with losing a partner - people do lose partners though divorce or death, and they do quite often find another partner. Doesn't mean the love they felt for the first one wasn't real, or big, but that they find life to be happier with someone special in it. I find a bit sad that some people seem to think their parents should live alone for years after bereavement for their sakes. You only get one life and as you get older you don't get that many chances of love - it's really up to the person who's lost their spouse, and them alone, to decide if/when they're ready for a new relationship.

@Firefliess where has anyone said they expect their parent to live alone and miserable for years ? I certainly haven't. But I expected to be thought of a lot more than. I have as his daughter no matter how old I am. And respect for my mum and their lengthy marriage but nope he's swanning on dating sites before she was even in the ground.

@mrssunshinexxx

and commiserations on the loss of your mother at one of the worst times it could happen for you. Life sometimes has some very hard stuff for us to handle, and that was hard stuff, no question about it.

As for your Dad? Well, he's very different to you, thinks in an entirely opposite way and his definition of respect is not yours. But you can't see inside his head, so his motivations are impossible to know with any certainty. He may have loved your Mum and also you in his own way, but insufficiently for either of you to really feel it.

Another woman, so soon, in your family home - very, very painful for you, but he must have been oblivious - grief does a number on people, that's for sure. You also have no idea of the pain and loneliness in his head. When you are younger, there are more people around you and more activities that you are part of, that take your thoughts away from the pain. A bereaved spouse, alone in the house, a pensioner who has been cut off from social life by caring duties - it's much more concentrated, especially if sleep is denied as it often is. You need to understand, too, that he was probably trying to escape mental torture.

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@Firefliess where has anyone said they expect their parent to live alone and miserable for years ? I certainly haven't. But I expected to be thought of a lot more than. I have as his daughter no matter how old I am. And respect for my mum and their lengthy marriage but nope he's swanning on dating sites before she was even in the ground. [/quote]
I don't think anyone has mentioned anything about widowed parents being on dating sites before the funeral That's really not what's happened in the OP's situation, so maybe an unhelpful analogy.

But some posters have said that a year to find a new partner is "far too quick". So I assume they think a widowed parent should take several years of grieving before it being ok to be open to a new relationship. I don't think it's for anyone else to tell them how long they should take to be ready for this.

It wasn’t a year to find a partner being too quick it was being married within a year.

@mrssunshinexxx please feel free to PM me xx